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How would you deal with this as a single mother or as a sibling?

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  • #16
    Originally posted by shine098 View Post

    Update:
    His MIL texted saying hope all is well and if we need anything let them know. I don't know if I should reply to her text.
    He called up my other brother saying me and my younger brother should be nice to his wife and respect her since she did nothing and also that his MIL blames all of this on our mom. How can we respect him and his wife when he cursed at our mom.

    My moms so fed up she wants to get mufti to tell him hes not her son and she doesn't want anything to do with him.
    No need to reply to the MIL, no contact with the son so its pointless. She's two faced so who knows what other lies she's going to feed you. The education comment just shows how insecure she is.
    Don't know why she keeps blaming your mother, your mum was abused by a man and she has every right not to want to be near him. Everyone should have tried to accommodate your mother for the wedding but instead they've turned on her.

    Your brother can stop making demands about who should be nice to his wife. He cant respect the woman that carried him for 9 months but expects you to respect his new wife...If my brother was rude to my mother then I would have no contact with that fool until he made amends..
    Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

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    • #17
      There are a few things you need to do here. I get the impression that your mum is one of those people who wants to cover up the faults of others because she is worried about what the community will think of her. She needs to stop covering his faults. If need be, record some of the abuse he hurls at his mother over the phone- it will come in handy one day when he starts gaslighting and you need to cause him maximum embarrassment. In fact record him several times over a matter of weeks.

      This has almost nothing to do with your brother's marriage or mother in law cos' it seems like he's been this way for a long time. I don't blame his wife or in laws in any of this cos' my guess is that he'd behave like this regardless of who he's married to. This is learned behaviour that he picked up from your dad. He has a lot of unresolved issues stemming from the dysfunctional relationship your parents had and it wouldn't surprise me if he's been in touch with your dad and your dad has concocted a fictional story about how innocent he is and how bad your mum is. Besides, it seems to me that your brother knew this girl and her family a long time before even telling you he was marrying her, which means he had a long time to present a one sided story so even if they are nice sincere people, they will have a bad impression of your mum and that will impact their behaviour towards your family. Then again, you give the impression that his mother in law isn't that nice anyway. I'm not sure whether to think she's a twisted person or whether he's poisoned her mind so she feels the need to defend him.

      Yes your mum should keep some distance from your brother and he shouldn't visit her when she's on her own cos' it sounds like she doesn't feel safe when he's there. Your current habit of only staying at events for 15 minutes is a good idea. Your mum shouldn't feel obliged to go to every gathering held by her son's MIL especially now that it seems like she's badmouthing your family anyway. If she wants to go occasionally in order to be social and maintain family ties, then that's fine, but she shouldn't feel obliged to go to every event as she's not comfortable around her son and they should understand that she may have other commitments anyway.

      Considering the type of person he is, it wouldn't surprise me if his behaviour will worsen over time. Be prepared for the possibility that your mum may eventually need a restraining order against him. Eventually his wife and her mum will see his true colours and find out for themselves who they're really dealing with and this badmouthing her mother is doing will really bite her on the chuttar in the end. If he can't even restrain himself enough to be civil to his own mother, then my guess is that he has a temper anyway and has been in trouble elsewhere and not just at home. There will definitely be other people who know what his true colours are and one day Allah (swt) will expose him and that day your family will be vindicated inshaAllah. These things have a way of coming out in the open. Your family must not do anything to cover up his faults- he is taking advantage of this.
      The Lyme Disease pandemic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5u73ME4sVU

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      • #18
        Jazākallāh
        Last edited by shine098; 09-12-18, 08:00 PM.

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        • #19
          Jazākallāh
          Last edited by shine098; 09-12-18, 08:01 PM.

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          • #20
            Jazākallāh
            Last edited by shine098; 09-12-18, 08:01 PM.

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            • #21
              Very sorry to know about your family situation, sister.

              It's pretty shocking that your brother who is a Quran Hafiz and leads prayers is abusive and disrespectful towards his own mother. Perhaps you could speak to his ustaadhs to talk sense into him?

              Are you sure he does not suffer from a mental illness? He seems like a confused and disturbed individual. Sometimes, he's nice to your mother while most of the times, he's rude to her. He posts Islamic stuff about respecting parents yet he does not implement that knowledge in his life. He still tries to keep in touch with your mom but keeps blaming her for his problems and sending her ahadith on injustice between children. There must be a reason why he's harboring so much anger in his heart and always rebelling against your mom.

              I'm not saying this is the case, but sometimes, parents' separation can scar children for life. Your brother being the eldest, may have spent more time with your father and is still traumatised by your parents' divorce. Perhaps his dream of having a happy family was shattered. Since your deadbeat father abandoned you guys, he's taking out all his resentment on your dear mother who went out of her way to raise you guys. And in his twisted way of thinking, he's trying to act pious by upholding ties of kinship with your father and his family who don't care a dime about you guys.

              For now, you should stop responding to his wife's in-laws. The MIL sounds like a fitnah mongerer who has nothing better to do in her life except making other people's lives miserable. So, instead of being defensive and responding to each of her accusation, ask your mother to maintain a dignified silence. It's not her place to interfere in your mom's life and dictate how she should lead it. Soon, people will tire of her malicious gossips and stop paying attention to her pettiness. Those who disgrace others unjustly are disgraced by Allah SWT in their own homes. Ignore her.

              Console your mother not to lose heart over her son's behaviour. You should all keep praying to Allah to guide him and make him see the error of his ways.

              If he's blackmailing you by text, you can text him back saying that a person will never get ahead in his life if he has displeased his mother, he will be faced wirh difficulties and hardships and calamities one after another. There's a hadith of Rasoolullah :saw: along the lines that the punishment of all sins begin in the Afterlife, save one, which is disobedience to parents, whose punishment begins right in this duniya. Send him the story of Alqamah who couldn't recite the Shahadah during death because his mother was displeased with him.

              Also, if he's having marital problems, ask him not to bother you guys and to sort it out himself with his wife. What happens is the couple usually manage to resolve their issues between themselves, and the ones who try to help, especially the in-laws, are seen as interfering meddlers and become enemies for life. So, stay away.

              For your own sanity and peace of mind, ignore your brother, his wife, his MIL and his puppy. Limit communication to salaams and duas. Once he comes to his senses, he will come crawling on his knees to beg your mother for forgiveness.

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              • #22
                How close was your brother to your father and how long did he witness the abuse?
                مَّن ذَا الَّذِي يُقْرِضُ اللّهَ قَرْضًا حَسَنًا فَيُضَاعِفَهُ لَهُ أَضْعَافًا كَثِيرَةً وَاللّهُ يَقْبِضُ وَيَبْسُطُ وَإِلَيْهِ تُرْجَعُونَ

                "Who is he that will loan to Allah a beautiful loan, which Allah will double unto his credit and multiply many times?
                It is Allah that giveth (you) Want or plenty, and to Him shall be your return."
                Surah al-Baqarah
                [2:245]

                .:.
                .:. Perfer et Obdura : Dolor Hic Tibi Proderit Olim .:.
                Be patient and strong : someday this pain will be useful to you

                .:.
                ...said the spider to the fly...

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                • #23
                  Don't worry too much about your brother's in laws. If they were decent people, they would not be well suited to him cos' he is not a decent person. Seems to me like they deserve each other. People who stir fitnah in other people's lives can never find peace in their own lives so their own actions are gonna come back to bite them eventually. Tell your mum to keep a distance from him and stop covering his faults- it's dishonest. Usually when a person is an abusive narcissist, they don't just become that way spontaneously- they behave like that because they surround themselves with enablers (people who let them get away with saying and doing whatever they want without consequences). If your mum continues to cover his faults, she's at high risk of being an enabler. If she doesn't draw clear boundaries (either by cutting him off or exposing him to people he's trying to impress), then he will continue to exploit his enablers as long as he can get away with it after which he'd cut ties. He'll do that in his marriage as well but there's no need to concern yourself with that as his in laws have chosen whose side to be on. Don't tell your mum about cutting ties cos' she may become emotional and not want that but if he does cut ties, it'll probably be for the best.

                  Originally posted by ~TwinklingStar~ View Post

                  For your own sanity and peace of mind, ignore your brother, his wife, his MIL and his puppy. Limit communication to salaams and duas. Once he comes to his senses, he will come crawling on his knees to beg your mother for forgiveness.
                  No he wont. He will not apologise because his kibr will prevent him from admitting that he's wrong. I've come across people like this before. I read somewhere that narcissists can vary in that they could be athiests, they could be irreligious or they could be religious but the religious ones deep down do not believe their purpose is to serve God, they believe it's God's purpose to serve them nauzobillah and this will be reflected in what he preaches (ie every hadith quote he can find on respecting the wishes of children whilst ignoring all the daleel on respect for parents). He doesn't quote hadiths about respecting parents out of any respect for Islam, he posts those quotes in order to look good in front of the community. He visits his mum to look good to his community that he's a good son cos' he maintains contact with his parents- it's all superficial and there's no underlying concern for the family at all.
                  The Lyme Disease pandemic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5u73ME4sVU

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                  • #24
                    Jazākallāh
                    Last edited by shine098; 09-12-18, 08:02 PM.

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                    • #25
                      Jazākallāh
                      Last edited by shine098; 09-12-18, 08:02 PM.

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                      • #26
                        Originally posted by shine098 View Post


                        If his MIL ever says "why are you not meeting my daughter or letting her come, why are you treating her like this," what should we say?

                        I think we should simply say she needs to come with her husband and that's how things are done in our family. And its not anyone's business how our mom deals with her son as no one interferes with your family issues.

                        Since their daughter informs them of everything; just tell the truth. Tell them that their son in law insulted his mother so why does the DIL need to come round if the son is on bad terms with his mum?

                        Your mother should have thrown your brother out the house when he was 16 or even earlier. Too many of these women give their muslim sons a pass...
                        Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

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                        • #27
                          Jazākallāh
                          Last edited by shine098; 09-12-18, 08:02 PM.

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                          • #28
                            Jazākallāh
                            Last edited by shine098; 09-12-18, 08:03 PM.

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                            • #29
                              This is one of those "how long is a piece of string?" type questions and there's no set rule for such things. If his mother in law was your best friend, you could speak to her everyday if you wanted to and if she was your worst enemy, you could just limit contact to simply replying to salam and say Eid Mubarak on Eid, invite her to weddings in your family and pray at her janaza when she dies.

                              On the one hand, I could understand why his mother in law contacts you because in a lot of Muslim (especially Asian) families, it is the norm that when a son or daughter gets married, then it's not just the uniting of two individuals but it also means the uniting of two families, so it's expected that the two families would have contact with each other and from time to time may invite each other to social gatherings, especially if both families live in the same town. That would be fairly normal and typical. Having said that though, you suggest that there are also indicators that his mother in law stirs up fitnah and that your family are finding that contact with them is more hassle than it's worth. I'm sorry to be blunt but part of the problem is your family's insistence on staying quiet and refusing to admit to anything. Yes I know that your brother is a sociopath who keeps causing you problems and by extension, he's probably incited his mother in law to create further problems BUT your insistence on staying quiet and not replying to messages reflects badly on YOU. It makes it look like she considers you her relatives and you and your mum do your best to avoid her and ignore her, then if she asks why you wont attend this or that, you give really lame replies.

                              As I've said before, it's time you stopped trying to cover up for people who don't deserve your loyalty anyway. If you're invited somewhere, just say we do not wish to attend because my brother argues with us every time he sees us no matter what we do and we are tired of it so we are keeping our distance now just in the hope of some peace in our lives. That isn't even new information cos' her daughter has already told her that he argues with you a lot.

                              Originally posted by shine098 View Post
                              I have few questions about how married man's mother should be treated.
                              How much in contact should mothers be with the in laws? How should husband's mother's be treated by the wife and her family? If my mom refuses to do something like meeting the in laws should she be forced to do it just because she's the mother of married son?
                              The Lyme Disease pandemic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5u73ME4sVU

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                              • #30
                                Originally posted by neelu View Post

                                As I've said before, it's time you stopped trying to cover up for people who don't deserve your loyalty anyway. If you're invited somewhere, just say we do not wish to attend because my brother argues with us every time he sees us no matter what we do and we are tired of it so we are keeping our distance now just in the hope of some peace in our lives. That isn't even new information cos' her daughter has already told her that he argues with you a lot.


                                This ^ , Just be straight with them.

                                I don't understand why this MIL keeps texting, does she know your bro fought with his mum?
                                Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

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