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How would you deal with this as a single mother or as a sibling?

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  • How would you deal with this as a single mother or as a sibling?

    AsalaamW,

    JazākAllāh
    Last edited by shine098; 09-12-18, 07:58 PM.

  • #2
    Wa alaykum salaam

    I always have the same response to these inquiries, where is Islam in all of this?

    Islam does not mean that a perfect life will exist, but the back story as long and drawn out as it is over the deficiencies of the brother includes none of it.

    What should be done is to reconnect with Allah, stop talking to his in laws, they're not your family and you shouldn't be going to them to complain about your son or brothers actions. That's ludicrous.

    You also have to stop worrying so much about them. Worry more about yourselves and the akhirah you're building or else being professional won't benefit anyone. Clearly your brother is educated but that education didn't benefit him here. His current behavior is as you say, symptomatic of long term issues which you all have swept under the rug so as not to get involved or lead to other fights. So now he's on his own, stay in contact from a distance. Talk to him if he calls or call and give advice. Hang up if he's rude. No reason to sit there and let you or your mom he disrespected.

    He doesn't have to have an invite to your home. These issues should have been nipped in the bud a lot earlier, and clearly he has not had much consequences to his behavior. Tough love is more important than avoiding drama.

    I don't mean to sound blunt; I know what he's doing is hurtful. But can you change him? No. You can only change yourselves and draw lines on how you're willing to be treated. Forget culture and what looks good or bad. Rely on Islam as a guideline and make dua for him in the depths of the night and if Allah guides him to correct behavior, he will know what to do to make amends. Don't close the door to him asking for forgiveness, but at the same time don't keep it wide open so he can come in and slap you whenever he wants and walk back out.

    Comment


    • #3
      What a sorry excuse for a son! Even if your mother was in the wrong he had no right to speak to her like that. I'm of the same mindset as your mother. I'd want nothing to do with him. He can come back when he is ready to apologize and make amends. He will have no blessings in his life and he will soon see that. Give it time....

      I would text him some hadiths....

      Abu Usaid Saidi said: We were once sitting with Rasulullah when a man from the tribe of Salmah came and said to him: O Messenger of Allah! do my parents have rights over me even after they have died? And Rasulullah said: Yes. You must pray to Allah to bless them with His Forgiveness and Mercy, fulfill the promises they made to anyone, and respect their relations and their friends (Abu Dawud and Ibn Majah).

      Abdullah ibn Amr related that the Messenger of Allah said: The major sins are to believe that Allah has partners, to disobey one's parents, to commit murder, and to bear false witness (Bukhari, Muslim).

      It is narrated by Asma bint Abu Bakr that during the treaty of Hudaibiyah, her mother, who was then pagan, came to see her from Makkah. Asma informed the Messenger of Allah of her arrival and also that she needed help. He said: Be good to your mother (Bukhari, Muslim).
      Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by shine098 View Post
        AsalaamW,

        I would like to share the situation we are in so we can make right decision regarding my brother. My brother who is 29 yo just got married. We all supported him and attended all his wedding events, but as soon as the event ended and he went to his new place and we went back home. While he was home at his own place, he got upset over something his wife said about our younger brother inviting certain guests. He called up my younger brother and mother and used really bad profanity and threatened to come over and beat his younger brother and mother while his wife was listening to everything. This time he used really bad words towards our mother who raised him as a single mother by working full time for over 20 years and did all she could for not only him for all her children. While she was suffering alone without any help from her own in-laws or having her own parents and siblings, our dad divorced our mom and re-married. Our dad never worried about how his kids must be living or eating. He always abused our mom and now its my brother abusing mom. We all are in professional schools and I give all that credit to our mom and no one else.

        My mom is still very upset and refuses to talk to him since the event which has been few days as she feels insulted that he used profanity in-front of his newly wed wife and says she doesn't want him to come over as she is living alone. She fears that he might even hit her while hes angry. He has threatened to hit her before. My mother called his mother in law for support but instead she was saying we ignore him and don't share important things with him, but they don't know the reason. Whenever we share things with him he makes it into big drama and tries to be the boss of the situation, insults and humiliates everyone, tells us how things should be done, and how we don't know anything. We stopped sharing things and arguing with him as the situation always escalates. He has never respected mom whenever she told him not to do something or any of his older siblings. He has always done things behind her back and then blames her for everything that goes wrong. He takes advantage of the situation and always makes mom look bad. He pretends to be good son and post islamic topics about respecting parents but used to come home to fight and argue with mom everyday. Treated mom with such disrespect we couldn't say anything to him as it would always lead to bigger fights and so mom started telling us not to get involved.

        His in laws are another issue, they didn't even bother to have his family invited or at least call to talk to us when they got their daughter engaged at a hotel last year to my brother. After getting him engaged then we all were introduced to each other. Now his MIL keeps saying why didn't you guys tell us about his behavior before. My brother, his wife, and her family knew each other for 2-3 years and her family invited him over to their house many times before we found out that they were serious last year. They have known him and about him for a long time without us knowing who they were. We were never asked about how we feel about We didn't make this into an issue as he was happy and we wanted him to settle down too. He got engaged without telling us and now blames this on us too.

        His mother in law is very attention hungry woman, she has created unnecessary drama by complaining about things like why we only visit for10-15 min, why we refused to go her family gatherings without invitation, why we didn't have a party for her entire family after the wedding, why my mother doesn't like meeting all her (MIL)friends, and why mom doesn't want to move in with my brother.

        How do we deal with this situation?

        My mom wants to stop being in contact with his in laws or going to their gatherings, meeting him and his wife after he insulted and cursed in-front of his wife, she wants to tell him to not come to her place or talk to her.

        Thank you
        May Allah swt reward your mum for bringing you kids up and for all that she has done for you and your siblings.

        Give your mum time as she has a reason to be upset and maybe feels it is best not to talk to him for a while. If your brother has threatened to beat her than of course she is right in not letting him come to the house as she lives alone. If he is sorry for his behaviour and wants to apoligise he should take you or another sibling with him so your mum does not feel threatened by his presence.

        As for his in laws then just forget about them for now. Carry on with your lives and do not be concerned about what they think. They can not force your mum to go to their gatherings or to be friends with his mother in laws friends.

        As long as your mum knows she is not doing anything wrong then she should not worry. You could perhaps get an imam or another family friend to talk to him about his behaviour though. As his mother she can continue to do dua for him.

        You and your other siblings should look out for your mother and not ever make her feel she is alone in such situations. Always be there for her and ready to help her.

        Comment


        • #5
          Your brother needs therapy. It's easy to attack him, but if he grew up seeing his mom being abused by your father and took on those traits, since he saw it as normal, then he needs therapy to recognize that it's not. Abuse not only affects those being beaten, but it creates an unhealthy environment that breeds more abusers. I'm not sure how close your relationship is with your brother, but maybe ask him if he could come with you to therapy. Do a family session and tell him it's to help you move on from something. Let the therapist know the situation beforehand so they can collaborate this for you, because I have a feeling your brother won't go to therapy by himself. Doing it in this roundabout way may help him. (I'd also suggest the rest of your family go into family therapy as well to help you guys move passed this as well.)

          I know your post is about your mom, but I'm really worried for his new wife. May Allah protect his new wife, because if he's already cursing and threatening to abuse your mom then he may start abusing the wife as well. She's in close proximity to him and he saw his father do this.

          Forget about the mother in law for a moment, instead try to talk to the new wife and get your mom to talk to her as well. Not about your brother, but just in a friendly way. Get closer to her, so that if something bad happens she won't hesitate to call you guys for advice. And if something happens, then you can call the police.

          Until your brother starts to recognize his bad behaviour, then he shouldn't be around your mom. You can't cut ties of kinship, but you also need to protect yourself and protect him from furthering his sins. May Allah bring ease and sakinah to everyone involved and May He protect everyone from any form of abuse and make sure nothing bad happens. Ameen.
          Last edited by Pippin1376; 01-12-18, 02:29 PM.
          مَّن ذَا الَّذِي يُقْرِضُ اللّهَ قَرْضًا حَسَنًا فَيُضَاعِفَهُ لَهُ أَضْعَافًا كَثِيرَةً وَاللّهُ يَقْبِضُ وَيَبْسُطُ وَإِلَيْهِ تُرْجَعُونَ

          "Who is he that will loan to Allah a beautiful loan, which Allah will double unto his credit and multiply many times?
          It is Allah that giveth (you) Want or plenty, and to Him shall be your return."
          Surah al-Baqarah
          [2:245]

          .:.
          .:. Perfer et Obdura : Dolor Hic Tibi Proderit Olim .:.
          Be patient and strong : someday this pain will be useful to you

          .:.
          ...said the spider to the fly...

          Comment


          • #6
            What if you remind him of how much your mother went through, how much she sacrificed for her kids and all she did basically. And for what? Just to be treated like that by her son. Maybe his conscience is dead. Some ppl need strong reminders.
            رَّبِّ ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا

            Comment


            • #7
              Assalamu alaykum

              It's unfortunate to hear of the trials you're facing, however what you've described is nothing strange. Allah has created children with a natural tendency to imitate their parents. Sometimes this subtle re-enacting involves negative qualities such as abuse and violence. Depending on the person and the severity of the trauma experienced, these tendencies can overwhelm an individuals psyche.

              I'm sure your mother is aware but you should encourage her to overlook his flaws, and understand that his abuse of her is a psychological problem which doesn't necessarily reflect his love and appreciation of her. You should speak to your brother openly and remind him of the suffering you guys went through. Remind him of your mom's effort as a single parent, and encourage him to apologize for his extreme behavior.

              It's one thing to lash out in the moment, but if he refuses to humble himself before her and amend the relationship, then perhaps his trial is greater than "anger management" -- he might have an insincere personality and a black heart.

              Although you did say that he "pretends" to be good and associates himself with religiosity, so that's a good sign. Pretending is better than outright rejection. At least internally he knows that being religious and good is the right thing to do.

              He needs:

              1) Sincere belief in Islam and some form of seeking knowledge.

              Sincerity demands a higher moral standard and a more positive outlook on life--especially family life. It's great that he reads Quran, but encourage him to seek knowledge in Aqeedah, Seerah and understanding the Qur'an.

              2) Knowledge about his condition and gentle reminders when he's crossing the line.

              He has to recognize that he has a problem and he needs to be explained why it exists. Afterwards he can make an intention to manage himself more responsibly, inshaAllah.

              3) Patience from family members.

              People who suffer from broken families don't usually recover flawlessly. It's necessary that your mother acknowledges this and doesn't always take things too personally. Her sacrifices and hard efforts can never replace the trauma experienced and the lack of character development which resulted. So it's really important that she doesn't blame herself for not doing enough, or wrongly interpret him as being unappreciative of her.

              wa Allahu Alam

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by AmantuBillahi View Post
                A
                3) Patience from family members.

                People who suffer from broken families don't usually recover flawlessly. It's necessary that your mother acknowledges this and doesn't always take things too personally. Her sacrifices and hard efforts can never replace the trauma experienced and the lack of character development which resulted. So it's really important that she doesn't blame herself for not doing enough, or wrongly interpret him as being unappreciative of her.

                wa Allahu Alam
                I don't think this woman failed her children

                We all had proper islamic upbringing, he and other brothers grew up learning about Islam. He is Quran hafiz and leads prayers sometimes. He is well educated and is already done with his degree. So even without proper father figure in his life, our mom guided all of us into right path, but as adults I think its our responsibility now to deal with things as we want. And hes choosing to do this to his single mother family.
                Most men struggle to find a balance between marriage and dealing with their parent/s. They always end up lashing out at one or the other...for this loser it's being nasty to the woman who birthed him...

                Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

                Comment


                • #9
                  Jazākallāh
                  Last edited by shine098; 09-12-18, 07:59 PM.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    What your brother is doing is classic abuser behaviour. He's manipulating the situation to make himself look like the victim and you guys as the crazy ones, all the while gaslighting you if you even try to say anything. If you don't mind me asking, how long did your brother see your dad abuse your mom? It seems like he learned all of this from your dad, including the manipulation tactics, and is using that against you. At this point, nothing you say will work to win over the others. It's unfortunate, but if he's done his job well they won't believe anything you say. It won't be until he starts abusing the wife that others will start to realize something is wrong. You've already mentioned that the in-laws were questioning why you didn't warn them about him, so he's starting to show some cracks but as you know abuse is complex and it might be awhile before everything comes to light.

                    Your in-laws may be creating rumours or whatever, but at this point it's best to just ignore them. Allah is using them to raise your mom's status and blessing her with good deeds, so try not to let your mom stress about what's going on. If you still have a good relationship with your brother, try to get him into therapy. He won't go by himself and he might even charm/manipulate the therapist there but it is a start. There are family therapies available, so you can go yourself and ask him to tag along.

                    I don't know if it's okay or not, but if you feel like a local mufti can help you out or at least offer counsel then definitely give it a go. At this point, try not to involve your mom because if your brother finds out he may abuse her more due to it. It's a tricky situation, especially since we don't know how volatile he is. May Allah cure his heart and make him see the errors of his ways. Ameen. It's going to be hard though, because he's been conditioned to think that this is normal and that your mom is nothing.
                    Last edited by Pippin1376; 10-12-18, 10:49 PM. Reason: user request
                    مَّن ذَا الَّذِي يُقْرِضُ اللّهَ قَرْضًا حَسَنًا فَيُضَاعِفَهُ لَهُ أَضْعَافًا كَثِيرَةً وَاللّهُ يَقْبِضُ وَيَبْسُطُ وَإِلَيْهِ تُرْجَعُونَ

                    "Who is he that will loan to Allah a beautiful loan, which Allah will double unto his credit and multiply many times?
                    It is Allah that giveth (you) Want or plenty, and to Him shall be your return."
                    Surah al-Baqarah
                    [2:245]

                    .:.
                    .:. Perfer et Obdura : Dolor Hic Tibi Proderit Olim .:.
                    Be patient and strong : someday this pain will be useful to you

                    .:.
                    ...said the spider to the fly...

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      May Allah guide him and he should feel sorry for talking like this to his mother who raised him as a single mother,people don't understand how difficult that is.I don't care why he used such a bad language but you can't talk to your mother like that even if your mother is the worst of humans.But as you said that she still prays for his happiness what else can she do more? huh? I pray that Allah guides him or else if he is still arrogant may Allah destory his life.
                      NO RACISM

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Jazākallāh everyone!
                        Last edited by shine098; 09-12-18, 08:56 PM.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by shine098 View Post
                          . Yesterday, he sent mom hadith videos on how to respect children and treat them equally.
                          Lol the audacity of sending hadiths, he should be on his knees begging for forgivness for lashing out at her. Make sure your last text to this degenerate is that he will have an awful life and afterlife because he caused his mother heartache. How does he think Allah swt will be pleased with him when he has caused his mother pain. He will have a son or daughter that will do the same to him and his wife!

                          Stay away from the inlaws too, they're already bashing you behind your back so what's the point of being fake and keeping up with the pleasantaries.

                          Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Jazākallāh
                            Last edited by shine098; 09-12-18, 07:59 PM.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by shine098 View Post

                              InshAllah he changes his ways soon as we don't have that much time on this planet, anything can happen. I want my mom to be stress free, happy, and enjoy her remaining life. She is getting old but now her heartache needs to stop especially from her own children. Yesterday, he sent mom hadith videos on how to respect children and treat them equally. She can only treat her children with respect when shes getting it in return. He is nice to her sometimes, but most of the time hes just insulting and rude.

                              I think now that hes married, he should focus his attention on his new life and not pretend to worry about our mom. We want to maintain a distance now from him and mind our own lives too. We can't continue focusing on him all our lives. We will encourage him to get therapy/counseling and get some imam/mufti to guide him if there's ever any marriage problems. We will all gather with the mufti/imam and solve their marriage problems. We won't do it alone as he never listens to us, at least he will listen to older respectable man and won't blame us for his marriage problems.

                              That's another reason mom didn't want to live with him and his wife. They both will gang up on her and disrespect her and blame all their problems on her. Hopefully, I meet a man who will let me take care of my mom otherwise I don't mind living all my life alone taking care of my mom.

                              ''otherwise I don't mind living all my life alone taking care of my mom''
                              That's it.
                              NO RACISM

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