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Marrying Our Children Off Early

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  • Marrying Our Children Off Early


    Assalamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu

    1) Would you allow your sons/daughters to marry early or will you repeat the tradition of this generation?

    2) What are some practical ways that we can make this happen?

    3) Do you think we'll find 'like-minded' parents who will allow their children to get married early aswell?

    4) Would you actually hand your daughter over to an 18 year old brother? What if he abuses her i.e. shares intimacy and then disbands the marriage?

  • #2
    Waleikumusalam wa rehmatullah,

    1. how early are we talking about? I'd want my kids to get some formal education [including deeni] at least if not work experience as well before they settle down and start their own families

    2. Idk

    3. there's always a 50% chance you will come across someone of a similar mindset

    4. No to the first part, and ? to the second because age is no factor in men abusing their wives and acting like fools
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    • #3
      Originally posted by .Hajar. View Post
      how early are we talking about? I'd want my kids to get some formal education [including deeni] at least if not work experience as well before they settle down and start their own families
      So basically, you're satisfied with the way things are? First finish college, then get a job, and then pursue marriage?

      My question to you is, how are you going to prevent your son from engaging in Haraam until he accomplishes this? Do you recognize the Fitnah that men go through during this age? Are you aware of the many avenues through which they will destroy themselves? If so, how do you plan on preventing this?

      Originally posted by .Hajar. View Post
      to the second because age is no factor in men abusing their wives and acting like fools
      True.

      My only issue is that it's difficult to trust an 18 year old in this day and age. I mean, he's at the height of his 'desires' and perhaps he won't appreciate his wife if he gets it too easy.

      With that said, I would totally allow my sons marrying at this age if they're ready. Although he would have to prove his sincerity and really want it himself. Other than that, there's no way anyone will hand over their daughters nor will I accept anyone's daughter if he's clearly not ready for it.

      Allahu A'lam
      Last edited by AmantuBillahi; 05-11-18, 09:15 PM. Reason: Clarity

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      • #4
        Walaykum salam wrwb,

        1- Yes, though it depends on what you mean by "early". I wouldn't let a son or daughter marry below the legal age just cos' I wouldn't want to risk legal problems, but late teens to early twenties yes

        2- I'm not a parent so I'm guessing parents reading this will laugh at me but I think teaching them to be responsible at as young an age as possible. That would mean things like teaching them basic skills around the home like cooking, cleaning, maybe even basic sewing and DIY and also in their teens they should learn some sort of vocational training or trade whether it's something like baking, carpentry, building or something. Probably start with a Saturday job when they're about 16 and still in college but after college progress into something full time, either working for someone or having the skills to start their own businesses.

        If you'd asked me these questions 15-20 years ago, I would've probably given different answers but now if I had kids I wouldn't expect them automatically to get a uni education cos' it's too expensive and student loans are haram. Maybe if I lived in Scotland I'd consider that.

        3- Unlikely. That's the problem (I can't find anyone compatible for myself let alone hypothetical future children lol). I know a practising sister who home schooled her grandchildren and at the age of 17, he said he wanted to get married, but the family aren't rich and they struggle to get by pay cheque to pay cheque. He's a nice enough lad but also they don't have very close community ties so not many contacts so for various reasons like this they got nowhere in finding anyone for him. He's at least 20 years old now and still single.

        4- It depends. If I sense that the 18 year old shows maturity and a good sense of responsibility etc then yes I would, otherwise I wouldn't. I think a guy who just wants to be intimate and ditch a girl would not look into marriage seriously and if he did, I don't think he'd display those qualities of maturity and responsibility I just mentioned, because he'd just be focused on the short term smash and not show signs of having much of a plan for the future or respond to questions on how to take care of a family or anything like that. So if the guy shows the right qualities then yes I'd be okay with it otherwise no.

        Having said all that, you know what people say about "best laid plans". Even if you intend for your son or daughter to marry young, doesn't necessarily mean it'll happen cos' all sorts of things could change by the time they reach marriageable age. There's the possibility that they might not want to marry and decide to pursue further studies instead. Or there's the possibility that you wont find other mature or sensible teenagers with a willingness to marry young.

        One distant relative told my mum years ago that in her family they try to arrange marriages young, by which she meant that they try to get their daughters married as soon as they've graduated from university. Several years later, my mum talked to that same relative and she said it's been so hard to find suitable matches for people that many of those girls are still single into their 30s. So my point is, regardless of your plans and intentions, things don't necessarily turn out the way you expect. I met my first rishta 19 years ago. I'm still single- something I never expected to say at this point in my life. Work towards an aim if that's what you feel would be best for your family, but don't set hard and fast rules in stone as things may not turn out as you'd expect.
        The Lyme Disease pandemic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5u73ME4sVU

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        • #5
          Originally posted by neelu View Post
          I know a practising sister who home schooled her grandchildren and at the age of 17, he said he wanted to get married, but the family aren't rich and they struggle to get by pay cheque to pay cheque. He's a nice enough lad but also they don't have very close community ties so not many contacts so for various reasons like this they got nowhere in finding anyone for him. He's at least 20 years old now and still single.
          I think it's much harder for young men to get married because of the responsibility placed on them to provide and lead the family. Had it been a 17 year old sister, I'm sure she would've had more potential in getting married, simply on the grounds that she's a female.

          Originally posted by neelu View Post
          3- Unlikely
          Don't you think the mentality will change in the upcoming generation or two? I mean, this generation is the one 'paying the price' for the intellectual and cultural shortcomings of the last generation. The youth are aware of our situation and many of the Du'at are advocating for change and what have you. I'm really hopeful that things will change. I don't want my son to go through what I went through and I know there are others out there who understand this sentiment--especially the brothers.
          Last edited by AmantuBillahi; 05-11-18, 10:57 PM.

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          • #6
            Originally posted by neelu View Post
            Walaykum salam wrwb,

            1- Yes, though it depends on what you mean by "early". I wouldn't let a son or daughter marry below the legal age just cos' I wouldn't want to risk legal problems, but late teens to early twenties yes

            2- I'm not a parent so I'm guessing parents reading this will laugh at me but I think teaching them to be responsible at as young an age as possible. That would mean things like teaching them basic skills around the home like cooking, cleaning, maybe even basic sewing and DIY and also in their teens they should learn some sort of vocational training or trade whether it's something like baking, carpentry, building or something. Probably start with a Saturday job when they're about 16 and still in college but after college progress into something full time, either working for someone or having the skills to start their own businesses.

            If you'd asked me these questions 15-20 years ago, I would've probably given different answers but now if I had kids I wouldn't expect them automatically to get a uni education cos' it's too expensive and student loans are haram. Maybe if I lived in Scotland I'd consider that.

            3- Unlikely. That's the problem (I can't find anyone compatible for myself let alone hypothetical future children lol). I know a practising sister who home schooled her grandchildren and at the age of 17, he said he wanted to get married, but the family aren't rich and they struggle to get by pay cheque to pay cheque. He's a nice enough lad but also they don't have very close community ties so not many contacts so for various reasons like this they got nowhere in finding anyone for him. He's at least 20 years old now and still single.

            4- It depends. If I sense that the 18 year old shows maturity and a good sense of responsibility etc then yes I would, otherwise I wouldn't. I think a guy who just wants to be intimate and ditch a girl would not look into marriage seriously and if he did, I don't think he'd display those qualities of maturity and responsibility I just mentioned, because he'd just be focused on the short term smash and not show signs of having much of a plan for the future or respond to questions on how to take care of a family or anything like that. So if the guy shows the right qualities then yes I'd be okay with it otherwise no.

            Having said all that, you know what people say about "best laid plans". Even if you intend for your son or daughter to marry young, doesn't necessarily mean it'll happen cos' all sorts of things could change by the time they reach marriageable age. There's the possibility that they might not want to marry and decide to pursue further studies instead. Or there's the possibility that you wont find other mature or sensible teenagers with a willingness to marry young.

            One distant relative told my mum years ago that in her family they try to arrange marriages young, by which she meant that they try to get their daughters married as soon as they've graduated from university. Several years later, my mum talked to that same relative and she said it's been so hard to find suitable matches for people that many of those girls are still single into their 30s. So my point is, regardless of your plans and intentions, things don't necessarily turn out the way you expect. I met my first rishta 19 years ago. I'm still single- something I never expected to say at this point in my life. Work towards an aim if that's what you feel would be best for your family, but don't set hard and fast rules in stone as things may not turn out as you'd expect.
            whats the reasons or factors why your struggling still if you dont mind me asking


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            • #7
              Originally posted by AmantuBillahi View Post

              1. So basically, you're satisfied with the way things are? First finish college, then get a job, and then pursue marriage?

              2. My question to you is, how are you going to prevent your son from engaging in Haraam until he accomplishes this? Do you recognize the Fitnah that men go through during this age? Are you aware of the many avenues through which they will destroy themselves? If so, how do you plan on preventing this?


              ...
              1. As of now, yes. Knowledge and financial stability, both, are important in my opinion. That is not to say, 'don't get married until and unless you have a PhD and earn six figures..'.

              it is especially important for a guy, young or not, to realize they're the maintainers of their family which means financial responsibility, he should know not to be dependent on his parents and/or siblings for his/his family's wants and needs. That said, a cousin of mine got married at 20 to girl a year younger but this cousin was working by then and was able to support himself and his wife. So..yeah.

              My personal opinion may not be popular but from where I stand, I want my kids - daughter especially- to acquire as much knowledge as they can before they get married. Then again this is what I'd like, Allah knows best what the future holds.

              2. My kids are like under 3 years of age so I don't plan things that have yet to occur. My worries/concerns revolve around making sure my kids have a healthy upbringing, have good food, get potty trained, preschool and such.

              Ps. Men, and women both, have faced fitnah in every age. Every one is tested differently. For men it's probably women, world and wine and for women it's probably wealth, world, and other women.


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              • #8
                Originally posted by neelu View Post
                Walaykum salam wrwb,

                ...

                Having said all that, you know what people say about "best laid plans". Even if you intend for your son or daughter to marry young, doesn't necessarily mean it'll happen cos' all sorts of things could change by the time they reach marriageable age. There's the possibility that they might not want to marry and decide to pursue further studies instead. Or there's the possibility that you wont find other mature or sensible teenagers with a willingness to marry young.

                One distant relative told my mum years ago that in her family they try to arrange marriages young, by which she meant that they try to get their daughters married as soon as they've graduated from university. Several years later, my mum talked to that same relative and she said it's been so hard to find suitable matches for people that many of those girls are still single into their 30s. So my point is, regardless of your plans and intentions, things don't necessarily turn out the way you expect. I met my first rishta 19 years ago. I'm still single- something I never expected to say at this point in my life. Work towards an aim if that's what you feel would be best for your family, but don't set hard and fast rules in stone as things may not turn out as you'd expect.
                I first got engaged at 16 to be married two years later at 18, my fiance was 10 years my senior. I eventually got married to a different man at almost 30, he is only 3 years older than me. The way things work in real life is or rather, can be so very..unexpected and different. We can predict the future but that's about it.

                May Allah ease your affairs, sis. May Allah bless you, and other single brothers and sisters, with a righteous spouse, innshaAllah.
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                • #9
                  Gingerbeardman

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                  • #10
                    Indefinable AbuNajm Abu 'Abdullaah Sister_2009
                    Last edited by AmantuBillahi; 06-11-18, 01:08 AM.

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                    • #11
                      I'm no one to tell you how to raise your kids, but Wallaahi, I won't be able to sleep right unless I comment on this.

                      Originally posted by .Hajar. View Post
                      2. My kids are like under 3 years of age so I don't plan things that have yet to occur. My worries/concerns revolve around making sure my kids have a healthy upbringing, have good food, get potty trained, preschool and such.

                      You really have to be careful. It's literally impossible for a young man to remain patient in this day and age. If it's not actual Zinaa, it's internet pornography. There's no way around it. "Patience, Imaan and the Masjid" will only take you so far.

                      Last edited by AmantuBillahi; 06-11-18, 01:22 AM. Reason: Clarity

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                      • #12
                        I have been friends with another brother for almost 20 years. His oldest daughter is betrothed to my son. Since his daughter was born, we agreed to have our children marry, assuming they would want to comply with their parents wishes. My son has always known that is the case. They should be married by the time both are at least 18 years old in a few years, In Sha' Allah.

                        As for education, then they will both attend as many classes as they wish. As for finances, then they will be supported by both families.

                        I don't understand why Muslims treat their children so poorly as to make them worry about employment, money and worldly matters to such an extent that they don't want to get married. It's a sickness in the Ummah that comes from living in the West and having a westernized mentality.

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                        • #13
                          1) If they're mature and level-headed, sure. I can safely say that at 18, I was a completely different person than at 25 and getting married then would have soured me . I was a lot more naive, innocent and definitely needed a lot of growing up to do, despite what I thought at the time. Marriage doesn't consist of sunshine and unicorns farting rainbows, it's a real commitment and you have to be able to handle that in a mature and adult fashion.

                          2) Honestly assessing whether your child is capable enough to shoulder the responsibilities and duties of marriage. If they can't even do basic tasks like laundry, cooking, cleaning etc. (both boys and girls), they're going to struggle. I'm not even mentioning the emotional and spiritual responsibilities here. Overall, there's a lot you have to consider as a parent.

                          3) You'll find anything in this world if you know where to look.

                          4) 18? Probably not.
                          ⚔ Even in death may you be triumphant ⚔
                          U.F Sadaqah Jariyah Project

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by AmantuBillahi View Post

                            You really have to be careful. It's literally impossible for a young man to remain patient in this day and age. If it's not actual Zinaa, it's internet pornography. There's no way around it. "Patience, Imaan and the Masjid" will only take you so far.
                            I dont think comments such as these are helpful. If anything, it leads to people trying to justify their sins

                            it certainly isnt impossible. Difficult, yes, no doubt, but not impossible

                            and we know what Allah swt asks of us is not beyond our scope

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                            • #15
                              Typically what Muslims in the West consider "early" is before age 30. However, in the explanation of the Hadith where the Prophet said: "Oh community of youth! Whoever among you can provide for marriage [i.e., the Mahr and expenses], then let him marry..."

                              "The community of youth" refers to those who have reached puberty and have not passed the age of 30. [see Sharh an-Nawawi 9/173]

                              The Hanbalis hold the view that marriage is superior to supererogatory acts of worship and the married person who fulfills their individually obligatory acts and Sunan is superior to the person who dedicates themselves fully to worship without getting married.*

                              There is a consensus among the scholars that marriage is recommended, with some saying it is obligatory at least once in a lifetime.

                              *Source

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