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  • i need ur advice

    salam all. Am going through a CONFUSING SITUATION RIGHT NOW THATS RAISED A LOT OF ISSUES and thoughts and i dont know what to do or say to help the situtaion. Therefore, i would like adivice from my fellow brothers and sisters out there

    I know this topic if very debatable and i know everyone has their own opinions and views about this so i apologize in advance if i offend anyone in anyways.

    Here goes, a few days ago we heard news from an anoymous caller, she phoned my mother and told her that her husband (my father) isnt so sincere. that in fact he asked another woman for her hand in marriage behind our backs. Well at first my mum didnt believe her and said to her that he wouldnt do that to us. Anyways when we got home my mum asked my dad and he said without denying anything that in fact it was true and that he asked her 3 MONTHS! my mums reaction was irrational and personally i dont blame her whether some of u think it was wrong or not. anyways we cudnt believe it and what amazed me was my dad was so cool about it as if it was nothing. We asked why and the reason was because the lady he asked to marry him is a widow and has 3 boys and a girl, my dad says he wants the kids not the woman, he felt sorry for the kids. Anyways i know most of u r saying well thats a good reason but he doesnt realised how much he has hurt us. I LOVE my dad and i know he loves uz as well but i cudnt believe in a million years that he would do this to us. My dad has 5 girls and one boy, what i dont understant is they have lived without a father for years and have grew up without a father why do they need one now. As much as my dad wants it he cant have both families. theres a lot more to it trust me. But i dint want to cram anymore in coz i wanted to see first of all if anyone will reply and give me advice.

    OH brotheres and sisters plzzzzzzzz i need advice and help.

    thank u for reading all of this info. i know its a lot

    Wa salam
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  • #2
    have spoken to your husband about this? what does he say about it?
    The Prophet SAW said, "(There are2words which R dear 2 the most gracious (Allah SWT)&very easy4the tongue2say but very heavy in the balance.They are:Subhan Allahi Wa Bihamdihi - Subhan Allahil-Azim

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    • #3
      my mum has spoken to my dad but he still says am gonna stay with these kids till i die and that if the woman ever says yes i will marry her. I havent personally spoke to him coz am scared of what he will say. MY mum and my two elder sisters have spoken to him but am hurt right now that am afraid that what he says next will hurt mre more. And what makes it even worse is that a city we used to live in that we go to alot, alot of rumours have been going round, evryone knows there our siyuation, and i dont what people looking at us when we go and talking about us although there doing it right now behind are backs.

      I just pray that it will end soon. (INSHALLAH)
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      • #4
        my mum has spoken to my dad but he still says am gonna stay with these kids till i die and that if the woman ever says yes i will marry her. I havent personally spoke to him coz am scared of what he will say. MY mum and my two elder sisters have spoken to him but am hurt right now that am afraid that what he says next will hurt mre more. And what makes it even worse is that a city we used to live in that we go to alot, alot of rumours have been going round, evryone knows there our siyuation, and i dont what people looking at us when we go and talking about us although there doing it right now behind are backs.

        I just pray that it will end soon. (INSHALLAH):insha:
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        • #5
          Nothing to do about it

          May Allah help you

          :insha:

          (I must think how much he's hurt you)

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          • #6
            :D He must think how much he's hurting you :D



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            • #7
              <---wrong spelling

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              • #8
                I think its best u stay out of it sister sara...ur mum and dad have a lot of talking to do. You must feel hurt, but get ur mother to speak to your dad about how she feels.

                Make dua sister! I pray that Allah removes this difficulty of yours :)
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                • #9
                  Originally posted by SoulAsylum
                  I think its best u stay out of it sister sara...ur mum and dad have a lot of talking to do. You must feel hurt, but get ur mother to speak to your dad about how she feels.

                  Make dua sister! I pray that Allah removes this difficulty of yours :)

                  Ameen. I couldnt have put it better myself.
                  The Prophet SAW said, "(There are2words which R dear 2 the most gracious (Allah SWT)&very easy4the tongue2say but very heavy in the balance.They are:Subhan Allahi Wa Bihamdihi - Subhan Allahil-Azim

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                  • #10
                    if your living in the west it is ilegal to marry more than one woman at a time.. unless he is
                    a/ getting a divorce
                    b/ he is just going for some sort of religious thing

                    you need to persuade your mum to see a good lawyer, and compell him to make ample provisions finnancialy
                    apart from that there is little you as a child of the marrage can do, other than give your mum all the love and suport she needs
                    its horrible when things like this pull your world apart
                    keep strong..my best wishes
                    by the way if your mum hasnt any money for the legal side any good solicitor will help her apply for what is called legal aid..
                    if you dont know where to start...go to .....citizens advice....you will find telephone numbers in the phone book, and there is usualy a ..citizens advice unit in all towns and cities..
                    [quote=Abdul-Curim;what has decency and productive life to do with any religion , especially since most jews/christians prefer the seperation of religion and state ?[/

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                    • #11
                      Asalaamu Alaykum Sara,

                      If aap urdu bol suk teh ho, yeh chuwa ke gal na suno. :)

                      Firstly, I would like you to read these links: here and here

                      It may be difficult for you and your family, but Islam has allowed a man to marry up to four wives. In the follow verse;

                      004:003 - And if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphan girls then marry (other) women of your choice, two or three, or four; but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one or (slaves) that your right hands possess. That is nearer to prevent you from doing injustice.

                      BUT, there are conditions attached to this. He must show equal justice to both of his wives, spend fairly on his wives, and they are both intitled to their own homes - It is not permissible for a husband to force his wives to live under one roof.
                      IF he is unable to treat them fairly, spend on them etc.. then its forbidden for him to marry more than once. But if he still goes forth with it and doesnt treat them correctly then it is a grave sin.

                      Overall IF you father is capable of marrying a second time and he treats both of his wives fairly, then from an Islamic perpective nothing is wrong with that.

                      Not to forget that if you mother passes this hardship with patience then this will bring great rewards for her.

                      Hope this helps
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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Shaolin's-Finest
                        Asalaamu Alaykum Sara,

                        If aap urdu bol suk teh ho, yeh chuwa ke gal na suno. :)

                        Firstly, I would like you to read these links: here and here

                        It may be difficult for you and your family, but Islam has allowed a man to marry up to four wives. In the follow verse;

                        004:003 - And if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphan girls then marry (other) women of your choice, two or three, or four; but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one or (slaves) that your right hands possess. That is nearer to prevent you from doing injustice.

                        BUT, there are conditions attached to this. He must show equal justice to both of his wives, spend fairly on his wives, and they are both intitled to their own homes - It is not permissible for a husband to force his wives to live under one roof.
                        IF he is unable to treat them fairly, spend on them etc.. then its forbidden for him to marry more than once. But if he still goes forth with it and doesnt treat them correctly then it is a grave sin.

                        Overall IF you father is capable of marrying a second time and he treats both of his wives fairly, then from an Islamic perpective nothing is wrong with that.

                        Not to forget that if you mother passes this hardship with patience then this will bring great rewards for her.

                        Hope this helps

                        i keep hearing that the husband has to get the first wives permission, is this correct?
                        The Prophet SAW said, "(There are2words which R dear 2 the most gracious (Allah SWT)&very easy4the tongue2say but very heavy in the balance.They are:Subhan Allahi Wa Bihamdihi - Subhan Allahil-Azim

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                        • #13
                          :salams:
                          im in a hurry so cant really help out much.

                          Its quite a complex situation, and most of us will probably not be able to comprehend what you and your family are going through. I pray allah swt eases it for you and that things work out for the best.

                          Whats firstmost important sis is to get the situation clear and lay down whats at stake, maybe you could all sit down together yourself, mum dad and maybe the rest of the children. Let everyone have their say and then maybe talk things through rationally. If your father insist on marrying the lady and taking on her children and will it cause tention and break the marraige then this needs to be mentioned. If he married will your mum stay in the marraige or leave it? What about yourselves have you considered what you will do?

                          Maybe see the imam and speak to him. Islam allows a man to marry up to four times, however it is important to have the consent of the first wife, becuase surely he cant treat them equally if she does not agree. it is a complex situation and i pray all works out

                          love and duas :)

                          :wswrwb:
                          muslimah85
                          Knowledge and intelligence leads one who possesses it to do good acts and prevents him from evil.

                          Ignorance on the other hand, calls the one who is ignorant to conform to his desires, even if it is harmful to him.

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Shaolin's-Finest
                            Asalaamu Alaykum Sara,

                            If aap urdu bol suk teh ho, yeh chuwa ke gal na suno. :)

                            Firstly, I would like you to read these links: here and here

                            It may be difficult for you and your family, but Islam has allowed a man to marry up to four wives. In the follow verse;

                            004:003 - And if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphan girls then marry (other) women of your choice, two or three, or four; but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one or (slaves) that your right hands possess. That is nearer to prevent you from doing injustice.

                            BUT, there are conditions attached to this. He must show equal justice to both of his wives, spend fairly on his wives, and they are both intitled to their own homes - It is not permissible for a husband to force his wives to live under one roof.
                            IF he is unable to treat them fairly, spend on them etc.. then its forbidden for him to marry more than once. But if he still goes forth with it and doesnt treat them correctly then it is a grave sin.

                            Overall IF you father is capable of marrying a second time and he treats both of his wives fairly, then from an Islamic perpective nothing is wrong with that.

                            Not to forget that if you mother passes this hardship with patience then this will bring great rewards for her.

                            Hope this helps
                            Aptly put... MashaAllah!

                            No permission is required of the first wife or co-wives, when a man seeks to marry another. InshaAllah, someone can provide some evidence for this. It's a prerequisite that any woman who marries a man, should be prepared for him to take on another wife. Most men do seek the approval of the wife he has, for reasons of minimising complications.... family politics. He does not have to.
                            "A cat will look at a king."

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Siddiqa
                              Aptly put... MashaAllah!

                              No permission is required of the first wife or co-wives, when a man seeks to marry another. InshaAllah, someone can provide some evidence for this. It's a prerequisite that any woman who marries a man, should be prepared for him to take on another wife. Most men do seek the approval of the wife he has, for reasons of minimising complications.... family politics. He does not have to.
                              He does not have to?,great so he can marry and the wife dont even need to know. What kinda marriage is that?
                              Plus where does it say its a prerequisite for the woman that if the husband remarries she must be prepared for him to take on another woman?Where is your evidence for that. NO where have I ever read that its a MUST that the woman must agree to be a co wife. If she doesnt want to she doesnt has to. Since marrying 4 times isnt a must in islam,neither is becoming a co wife.
                              Sara I would advice u to let ur mom talk to ur dad,and see what she wants,besides getting emotional and all. I know it must be very hard for her,that after so many years of marriage ur dad suddenly sees he should be helping some woman raise her kids. Insha allah I wish everything gets allright for u and ur family....
                              Man knows so much yet does so little...

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