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  • in a fix

    I'm a non-muslim, tho I have always been trying to find my own path all along... I have been seeing a muslim guy for over a year now, which I thought will lead me eventually to the Ilam faith. He's like a big angel send by god for he's ever so gentle and sweet. His mom found out about us and has expressed that she'll never accept me as her daugther-in-law. It's very hard for us to separate due to strong feelings for each other. Plus, he doesn't like me to go out with my friends and he always have imaginations about me seeing other guys which did not happen and do not help. We have not really talked about our future due to the obstacle and he felt that we are not progressing, as a result, he's cheated on me by seeing another girl, who's a muslim. I feel betrayed because i felt I have done a lot for this guy (which I do not need to elaborate here). I understand he's going thru some diffulticies in life. I do not wish to be a burden to him and wish him all the happiness he can get, even if it means me breaking up with him and let him move on. But I really love him. I am not in any position to force things, I pray for my own strength now to carry on, as for what happens next? Only Allah will know...
    :up: :lailah: :up:

  • #2
    Well sis, muslim guys can be the best in the world but even then some will stray. It seems his sweetness was brought out by his faith but his cheating on you was totally wrong although your relationship at first had no firm base anyhow. But I guess you have to move on as his mind seems to be elsewhere. I understand how he must have felt about you and your friends as I have been there but that does not justify his cheating on you. I guess you should move on but at least you haven't come out of this empty handed. Indeed, you have come out alot better; you have been given the gift of Islam and it's now up to you to keep on exploring the faith. You never know, you might find a better guy or may even get the original one back, Allah knows best. But just keep striving...
    :up:
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    • #3
      Hi, first of all, thankyou for your post - I can see there is a spark of interest in Islam in you, and that is a wonderful thing that you must further investigate.

      Secondly, I would suggest that there may be people such as your friends or family, or even an Imam at your local mosque who may be better equipped to advise you on these sensitive issues, especially related to Islam.

      Now, most importantly - you must stop seeing this man immediately - whilst you sort out these issues. For both of you, this is a grave and serious matter, and as a muslim your friend should be aware of this.

      You should also look into whether this man is the right person for you - if he has cheated on you - does he really have your best interests at heart, and are you really as important to him as he is to you? If you think the answer is yes, then you should inform him that you would like to approach this whole issue Islamically - for everyone here will tell you that we believe that is the only way.

      Does he have any female relations who know and talk to you (such as sisters, cousins etc)? If so, not only can they advise on you on Islam, how to accept it in your heart as your faith, but you could also talk to them about helping resolve the issues with his parents accepting you. I would assume this would entail you sincerely accepting Islam as your faith - not only is this the right thing to do for you as a person in the sight of Allah, but it may also show your seriousness and commitment to him and his parents, in pursuing an acceptable union with this man.

      His mother may have already made her mind up, and this is something you would have to try and undo. In Islam, we are duty bound to our parents, and it is of great importance that we are obediant to them, second only to our obdience to Allah. Therefore, if directly or indirectly (i.e. through other female members of his family) you can communicate your sincerety to his mother and demonstrate that you can be a good muslim wife - you may win her approval, and this would be a major obstacle removed in this situation.

      However, I am still concerned with the brother's actions, specifically in his "cheating" on you. You should set a condition that he too starts taking his faith seriously and begins practising - as this will ensure he treats you correctly in the future. If, in your heart, you become convinced of this - then if Allah wills, you could be blessed with a happy healthy marriage, acceptable in Islam.

      So first of all, stop seeing this man - and consult with some muslim female friends (if they are his relations, even better) about accepting Islam - and then see an Imam at your local mosque.

      I should point out that in Islam, a muslim man can marry a practising and chaste Christian or Jewish woman - however in the situation you describe above, it seems that you are already interested in Islam - and it appears to provide a potential solution to your current situation as well as peace of mind for the rest of your life.

      I pray to Allah Subhanahy Wa'Tala that you are able to resolve what you are going through, and that He guides you to Islam and a healthy happy life in union with a good pious spouse :)

      Peace.
      Muslim while flying

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      • #4
        thanks moshy man. he's finding it hard to leave me... and i feel like i'm at a point where i have to make the decision for both of us. how do i do it?
        :up: :lailah: :up:

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        • #5
          Originally posted by PiElle
          thanks moshy man. he's finding it hard to leave me... and i feel like i'm at a point where i have to make the decision for both of us. how do i do it?
          Well, you gotta sit down with him one last time, or even on the fone which would be better, and ask him what he wants to do. How can he expect you to practice Islam when he doesn't practice it properly himself? And how can he find it hard to leave you when he is also seeing someone else? You have to ask him what he wants and what he plans on doing for the future.

          Ask him, that if you do revert, does he plan on marrying you? What will his mother say? Let him now that you're serious and that you want a definite answer from him.. It's not only you that has to make decisions, it's down to him too.

          So for now I suggest you should keep some distance between yourselves so you can both think about things...
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          • #6
            i understand i have to be strong myself first. we both came from broken family, hence we both do not have strong faith in marriages... so it doesn't help in the situation of marrying... if you know what i mean...
            :up: :lailah: :up:

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            • #7
              Originally posted by PiElle
              i understand i have to be strong myself first. we both came from broken family, hence we both do not have strong faith in marriages... so it doesn't help in the situation of marrying... if you know what i mean...
              Marriage is the only suitable way in which you can be one with another man. if you have marraige as a firm base then the bloke would think twice before 'cheating' on you again and you would also see how serious he is about you.

              Anyhow, the most important thing is that you learn about the faith and you see whether he adheres to it or whether he is simply wasting your time...
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              • #8
                yes. i understand and believe what you said about marriage. where can i start learning the faith, brother?
                :up: :lailah: :up:

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by PiElle
                  yes. i understand and believe what you said about marriage. where can i start learning the faith, brother?
                  Well best place I guess is the mosque but I can see how that may be difficult right now. Well you could try and meeting other sisters but before that you may want to read up on Islam. This forum is an ideal place to start as we can answer your questions first hand. If you were to search the web regarding Islam you would be bogged down with a lot of information. So the best thing would be to speak to some proper muslim sisters and basically get a generally idea of the community of Islam and the fundamentals.

                  If you need more info, then simply post it here and I'm sure I'll be glad to answer you as well as many of the other people here.
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                  • #10
                    i think the brothers here have given you some very sound advice. The tragic thing is that many "muslim" men in the west think it is acceptable to "fool around" with non muslim women before they settle down and over half the time they get emotionally involved and things get messy.

                    I sincerely hope that this is not the case with your situation. The brother that you talk of was wrong to get in a relationship with you and it really is his responsibility. You as a non-muslim are not to be expected to know of the religion nor adhere to it. I am surprise dthat you have shown an interets in Islam after having such a negative experience with a muslim brother but this suggests to me one of two things.

                    1) you see something in Islam that appeals to you that you and that you are not that sure what it may be or 2) you want to somehow salvage your relationship and feel that an interest in Islam or choosing to convert/revert is the way to go about it. It may be a bit of both and you must look into your heart to know the truth.

                    You can learn about Islam from all sorts of places. There are many misconceptions regarding the religion and it is a very simple and realistic philosophy and way of life. Everything is done for a reason although the ultimate reaosn for anything is submission to the will of God. It is very easy to understand. I am sure there are many people on these boards who would love to answer your questions about Islam. There are many websites and books also.

                    I must reiterate Brother Anjums point of whether you think this is a man worth fighting or struggling for when he has already betrayed you. It may be very hard to break off something liek this when you care so much for the other person but if you have direct proof that the other person seemingly does not care for you nor your feelings then it seems like punishment to try to salvage such a situation. It seems to me such an attempt will only result in a lack of self respect for yourself OR a lack of respect for you by him. In my personal opinion i would suggest you either talk to him or write him a letter in which you can say that he has acted highly irresponsibly, not just in your eyes and that of everyday non-muslim people but ALSO as a muslim and the way he has chosen to do something about or attempt to see a way out it is childish as he has failed to live up to his responsibility yet again.

                    Be strong and remember that no one can take away your self respect unless you allow them to. A man who spreads his affections around so easily seems to have little or no character and Islamically that is the first think you should look for when finding a mate.
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                    • #11
                      You have been given the gift sis, now just follow the trail and experience the bounty of Islam and the community which we have created for you. We're always here for ya...
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                      • #12
                        i'm chinese living in asia, and i do a few muslims friends myself, tho we are not very close. i have been talked into going to churches before and i have been to churches but I just didn't feel that's the way i want to worship god. I've always thought the relationship with god is a very personal one. So i thought islam being so pure and simple might be suitable for me. then i met this friend and i thought god has pointed the right direction to me. i have been thinking of converting 1) if i really find islam suitable for me, and 2) i'll convert for my husband and family for he'll be my husband and family, i'll follow.

                        when his mom disapprove, i did hesitate about the faith. i know it's not easy for all muslims to be good muslims, cos nobody is perfect. there's a lot of forgiving and understanding involved... but how much can others forgive and help the ones who strayed or who are not believers?
                        :up: :lailah: :up:

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                        • #13
                          You can help those who are strayed but you must look to yourself first and help yourself first. Islam is a lot more personal as you make your supplications personally to God and you don't sing hymns in a large group once a week. Your personal relationship with God is to such an extent that you have to make this connection several times a day and not just once a week. You confess your sins directly to God and repent to him and not through a human at a church. God conceals your sins and you are expected to conceal those of others.
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                          • #14
                            yes! i'll try my best to sort myself out as well as helping others when i can. but when it comes to islamic issues, i won't be able to help. which doesn't help my situation.
                            :up: :lailah: :up:

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by PiElle
                              yes! i'll try my best to sort myself out as well as helping others when i can. but when it comes to islamic issues, i won't be able to help. which doesn't help my situation.
                              You'll learn slowly sure enough sis. Keep your eyes posted to this forum and you'll learn alot... and also have a laugh too...
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