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  • #16
    follow ur heart..but use ur brain to judge..
    Maybe self-improvement isn't the answer.... Maybe self-destruction is the answer.

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    • #17
      yeh but in the qur'an Allah says there are somethings we love which in actual fact is bad for us and somethings we hate that are in actual fact good for us- Allah knows best-
      Last edited by Sophiya; 24-01-05, 06:14 PM.

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      • #18
        true..
        Maybe self-improvement isn't the answer.... Maybe self-destruction is the answer.

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        • #19
          Originally posted by Sophiya
          can i just ask one major question- i think is obvious but forgotten- exactly why do u wanna marry this girl for- her iman and faith and piety or for something else- like u get on with her- u think she is pretty etc- now be honest and think this through hard, becuase the best woman is a good practising one- so is she just an ok muslim- or u beleive her to be very pious?- how do u know what she is though- like u said- u have to go and get some of ur friends to check her out- how canu already be willing to sacrifice ur relationships for a woman u hardly know?
          Well, i'll be honest.. i want to marry her coz (for now) i think i get along well with her, in terms of looks she is ok which is not a big priority for me. But then she is 'also' a sunni, not a shia which is a good enough reason. In terms of her iman and faith i think she is alright, she does pray n perform her other obligatory duties well to an extent. As far as i know her i think i can say that she is a decent muslimah. I can't expect her to be completely perfect without me being good enough in that aspect (coz i too think there are some areas where I could improve quite alot) else it won't be fair to expect alot of something from someone else which i myself don't match upto that well. Another thing is we both r trying to better ourselves in our iman, so when we get married inshallah we both would help eachother better ourselves where we r lagging behind, the desire is whats important to constantly improve ourselves. Don't u think all these reasons aren't good enough for me to consider her as a good lifemate for me?..

          If my parents agree to get me married to a sunni girl then i'm sure they will agree to this girl that i like, in case they do agree to get me married to a sunni girl but not her for a valid reason then i'll leave her. My parents r very important for me and in no way i'd want to hurt them specially since me being their only child, so there is no question of me breaking any relations with them. But here its not just about her being of another culture n country but also of another caste which I also belong too but they don't want to accept that.
          Sophiya u didn't answer my question in my earlier post.

          Today i explained all this to my cousin brother who stays in india (who is also a shia by the way) and he tried to talk to my parents but they wouldn't budge from their stance, they keep telling the same thing again n again that first n foremost their prestige would be literally destroyed and others in the community would point fingers at them n tell them that their only son went "astray" (how weird!) and married a girl from another caste and on top of that too from another country as well!.. They tell me (n also told my cousin the same thing) that the day i go ahead n marry her they would cut off all relations with me and think that i never was their son ever.. they have said that much already. :( I'm kinda torn between this mess.

          I guess my sheikh is the last option left for me to try out to convince them, if that doesn't work then what do u all suggest that i do?.. I'm really starting to get depressed now about all this eventhough i'm trying to be courageous enough but its getting harder now, i'm staying all alone right now in kuwait (as my parents r in india at the moment) so i don't even have anyone here to support me all the while.. thats another reason why i took to this community to make it up for that in terms of advice n support.
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          • #20
            so u have never met this woman- yet u believe she will do "for now"?
            so do u think there is a chance to get ur parents to agree through the sheik- if he tells them in such a way so they feel they r gaining something as opposed to losing their reputation.
            don't u think u should put this whole thing on ice- until u meet the girl- and if u r still adamant then u could bring her to meet ur parents so they could see she's real and nice and would be good for u- becuase at the moment they can say no- as she isn't there and they have never met her- but if they did- who knows- Allahu A'lam
            i am sorry i don't know what question u think i haven't answered- i have gone back to read ur posts and can't find it. do u thin ku r rebillious at all- f u don't mind me asking- lke u r doing this subconsiously to get back at someone or prove something to someone- urself?

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            • #21
              no matter how much chemistry bro, do not marry without the blessing of BOTH your parents,you wont be doing you or your future wife any favours.


              there is no need to rush, take your time, like bro nasser said, you and your father should talk to your mother,allay her any fears she has, she is doing this because ,like u said, she loves you and doesnt want you to get hurt.

              your parents are your first priority here bro, if this girl is serious about u ,she will wait, im sure she knows how important gettiong your parents blessings are.

              like everyone said,do istikhara and keep doing it until things are clear in your mind.

              Good luck, may Allah (swt) guide you and make things easy for you.
              The Prophet SAW said, "(There are2words which R dear 2 the most gracious (Allah SWT)&very easy4the tongue2say but very heavy in the balance.They are:Subhan Allahi Wa Bihamdihi - Subhan Allahil-Azim

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              • #22
                Originally posted by Sophiya
                yeh but in the qur'an Allah says there are somethings we love which in actual fact is bad for us and somethings we hate that are in actual fact good for us- Allah knows best-
                Salam,
                I think that's taking things out of proportion abit - I'm sure he doesn't love her... How can he when he's met her once and know nothing of her. Love is something you build slowly in your heart... He's in love and that can sometimes make you lose judgement in such matters (Bless)

                WS
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                • #23
                  Sophiya I was talking about this question ->
                  I'd like to know that what if the girl's parents object to her marriage with me due to the few cultural differences and since i'm of a different nationality then how can she still go ahead and marry me?.. i know that there has to be a guardian from her side present at marriage, but if her parents r opposing (she also doesn't expect any of her relatives to come ahead n help her coz they may not wish to upset her parents) then she may have to come to india to marry me, but without a guardian from her side n her parents still opposing her how can she possibly marry me?..
                  And in a worse case scenario where both of our parents after all our convincing efforts (and other's intervention) do not agree to our marriages then how do we go about getting married to eachother? n also how do we get the guardians to be present for both of us (if boys also require guardians to be present from their side as well coz i'm not sure about it) if we can't get any from our relatives or parents side?..
                  You misunderstood me in my last post.. by "for now" i meant that at the moment i find her getting along well with me, in terms of looks she is ok which is not a big priority for me. But then she is 'also' a sunni, not a shia which is a good enough reason. In terms of her iman and faith i think she is alright........................................... ........... (continued by all what i said in my earlier post).
                  Yes there is a small but possible chance that my parents might agree to what my sheikh says, specially my father.. coz if he agrees then it may not be too hard for him to convince my mother as well i know that for sure.
                  I'm not exactly rushing in to marry her, i've decided to take my own time to make sure she is the right one (like i said i'd send one of my friends (who belongs to pakistan) in pakistan to know about her n her family, background, etc)..
                  Its not possible for me to get her to meet my parents coz like i said she is from pakistan so either she can come with her parents to india to meet them or my parents could goto pakistan and meet her and her family.. but in any case my parents have to atleast agree to see her if at all, which is what they are not agreeing to, they don't even want to give her a chance.
                  And no i'm not trying to get back or prove anything from this situation.. in no way i'd want to hurt my parents purposely, i know they love me alot n so do i, they have done alot for me n not everyone is blessed with such loving parents.. there is nothing to prove from this to anybody whether they r associated to me in anyway or not..

                  Muslim Girl: I completely agree with what u say, coz i too believe that without parent's blessing in any step which i take success n happiness is hard to come by, but as u can see its hard to make them agree for anything coz they just don't want to budge from their stance at all.. that girl is quite serious about me n is ready to wait for as long as i'd need so therefore i ain't rushing on anything or any conclusion right now..
                  but here don't u find my parents to be somewhat on the wrong side by wishing me to get marrie dto a shia girl only coz they care more about what other people think?.. and also oppose that pakistani girl coz she is from a different country/culture/caste and not even agree to meet her once to see if she is good enough for me?..

                  I think there is some misunderstanding over here.. its not just my mother but ALSO my father who is against this marriage, although as i said my father is a sunni but his community is still the shia ones where all his relatives n friends belong to, so he doesn't want his image to be kinda 'discredited' by allowing me to marry a sunni girl eventhough he is completely a sunni himself when it comes to belief n actions but when it comes to my marriage he wants me to marry a shia girl so the people of his community don't say anything wrong about him and then he would want me to try n change her beliefs to the sunni ideology (which for all the reasons Sophiya mentioned in her first post in this thread would be a wrong thing for me to do, even my sheikh is against that)..

                  H25: i don't exactly feel that i love her right now, I just like her for the way she seems to me.. i've never met her, just chatted with her through a marriage site.. thats why i'm not rushing to make any decision that i might regret later on, that is the reason why i need all the advice and opinions that i can get from everyone including all of you over here

                  thanks for all ur replies..
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                  • #24
                    Originally posted by A_Ahmed

                    The problem is that my parents are opposing this marriage.

                    Firstly coz my mother still hasn't completely left the shia ideology (unlike me and my father) and she wants me to get married to a shia girl only.
                    ........... all your opinions and suggestions will be highly appreciated.

                    Thank you.
                    Hello A_Ahmed, I may be out of line or unwelcome to make comment on this topic because I am not a Muslim but, I married a woman whom my Father approved of yet, my Mother remained opposed to.
                    After 12 years of being together, she has requested a divorce.

                    You did not mention how old you are or any position which you are in at this time, such as school or work.
                    You did mention that you have only spoken to this sister for one month.
                    How has this communication been achieved ?
                    Personally, I fell in love at first site and nothing could change my mind, not even my Mothers opinion.
                    I do not believe anyone should jump into a relationship so quickly.
                    Perhaps it is only due to your wanting companionship ?
                    That reason alone is not a valid reason to enter into marriage.

                    I believe one question you might wish to reflect upon is, have you boasted about your families status and wealth to this prospective bride?
                    For a woman who might have struggled during her life, a mate who is wealthy and able to care for her needs could be all that she finds attractive in the relationship. Be careful and reflect upon this as you move forward.

                    I say this from experience due to when I met my wife, I was very well off.
                    I earned in excess of $100,000 a year and wore the finest clothes, drove the finest cars.
                    Then I became disabled and unable to work, all the money saved got spent and now I am penniless and she is leaving me for greener pastures.

                    I can not answer questions based upon caste or sect of Islam but, I am quite certain many here can and will provide you with guidance in those matters.

                    Take care & best of luck !
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                    • #25
                      Originally posted by H25
                      Salam,
                      I'm sure he doesn't love her... How can he when he's met her once and know nothing of her. Love is something you build slowly in your heart... He's in love and that can sometimes make you lose judgement in such matters (Bless)

                      WS
                      exactly, which makes it all the more unusual that he would consider severing his relationship with his parents...

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                      • #26
                        Originally posted by ~Stanley~

                        I can not answer questions based upon caste or sect of Islam but, I am quite certain many here can and will provide you with guidance in those matters.

                        Take care & best of luck !
                        oh but you can- as this is a case which transgresses and is evident in all faiths and peoples. your example- which i am sorry to hear about mate shows that u need to think, long term and plan for all the things that could happen. its why faith is so important cause if that woman believed sincerley in a higher unseen power, then she wouldn't treat u like that (sorry if thats personal). but God knows best.

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                        • #27
                          A Ahmed[U]

                          So u met this girl on a matrimonial site? Is she the only one u spoke with- weren't there any other possible suitors?
                          Ur parents are wrong in putting their customs before the customs of Allah, but they haven't wronged u in any other way have they? Have u never had any other proposals in kuwiat or from any other sunni muslim women?
                          Get the shiek to talk to them- cause then ur just going in circles. with the shiek at the end- u will know one way or another. the sunni' girls parents aren't happy either?
                          like u said u don't love the girl- so if u want to get married for the sake of getting married and having a wife- then tried going for an indian sunni girl- i am sure there are dozens around- at least that way culture and customs would be very similar if not identical and she isn't pakistani- then it would be a very good comprimise- u don't love the girl-and u don't want her relationship with her parents to suffer- so why don't u do whats best for everyone else and good for u?
                          as to the question i didn't answer- just look at stanley's post- that's enough to tell u- and worse for u- becuase as a muslim- u have a great duty to ur parents- remember paradise lies at ur mother's feet, and after Allah and his messenger(PBUH) u should obey ur mother then ur mother then ur mother...

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                          • #28
                            What about her parents:scratch:
                            :) t. l. poetry corner
                            So I stay in my chair, staring into the fire,
                            Thinking of where are you at this hour :scratch:

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                            • #29
                              u kno..in the end its A.Ahmed's decision..lol..so0o dude make istikharaa..
                              Maybe self-improvement isn't the answer.... Maybe self-destruction is the answer.

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                              • #30
                                hi stanley.. well i'm 25yrs old and have been running my father's business, though we ain't that rich but alhamdulilah alright. I have told her all this (though not 'boasted' about it as u put it coz i don't believe in doing that) and that I stay in kuwait, but i don't think she is the kind of person to go after wealth n status, but then allah s.w.t. knows best.. how could i possibly in your opinion actually go about finding if for her these things r what r more attractive than me as a person?.. but for now i believe she truly likes me as a person above all such materialistic things in life..

                                We came to know eachother through a matrimonial site, we chat with eachother every weekend, thats about it .. at this point of time our relationship is kinda serious to an extent (in the sense that we like eachother, not sure if we started to love eachother as well) but not in such a way that we just cannot live without eachother at all either, yes we also wish to marry eachother (based on what all we know n think of eachother at this point of time)..

                                I feel sorry to hear about what all happened with you, I hope that inshallah things gets better for you gradually..


                                Originally posted by Sophiya
                                exactly, which makes it all the more unusual that he would consider severing his relationship with his parents...
                                i'm not the one who is severing ties with my parents, its them who would do so if i marry any sunni girl (doesn't matter if its that pakistani girl or any other sunni girl).. if i marry the shia girl they found for me just to make them happy then would that be right? u urself said in ur first post that i shouldn't be doing it.. then how can i do whats right without hurting them as well??? what u said seems kinda contradicting to me unless u meant something else by that :|

                                Originally posted by Sophiya
                                Have u never had any other proposals in kuwiat or from any other sunni muslim women?
                                no.. coz as i said my old community is entirely shia n i still don't know so many people from the sunni community here in kuwait, besides coincidently almost half of those i know (through my father's contacts) r also pakistani n the rest indians.. in india i don't know anyone from the sunni caste (except maybe 1 or 2 families) again through my father, coz i've stayed all my life in kuwait so i don't even know many people from the shia community itself there..

                                well i did come across some indian sunni girls on that site but they just didn't seem to be the way i'd want my wife to be, we just didn't get along well or had some other kind of compatibility problems..
                                the culture n traditions between indian and pakistani people is somewhat different but not entirely to avoid marriages itself between both sides, any other indian or pakistani in here will agree with me on that..

                                yes i know i'm supposed to obey my mother but when it gets in my belief's way do u still think i should do what satisfies her more?..

                                masha: she says that she needs sometime before she speaks to her parents, maybe i think she first wants to make sure my parents are ready for it or not, but her parents she says will most likely agree..

                                The apprentice: i know its my decision but i want to know everyone's opinions n advices to help me make the right one n yeah i'll do istikhara soon..

                                i forgot to mention that when i talked to my cousin brother who is in india he told me that due to all this confusion my mother has gotten a little ill due to alot of stress that she has taken, i'm obviously feeling bad now for causing her distress but then on one side marrying a shia girl would be wrong from the religious standpoint so i can't do that, if i do marry any shia girl then i'm not only doing something wrong but also risking my own belief coz what if somehow she succeeds in deviating me from my path (god forbid) instead of me being able to do that to her beliefs..
                                am i really committing a sin by causing so much hurt to my parents in this regard?..
                                Last edited by A_Ahmed; 25-01-05, 08:27 PM.
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