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  • Ibn Warsame
    started a topic Need advice on cutting off bad friends

    Need advice on cutting off bad friends

    Asalamualaikum waramutallahi wa barakatahu

    Some background details:
    So I grew up in the Northern Virginia, USA and went to public school. During 5th and 6th grade I began to have a core group of friends. It expanded a bit throughout middle school and high school. Many of my friends I've known for 5-8 years. A lot of us were split up because of the school districts after middle school and still we remained very close. After freshman year I moved to Kenya and been here for almost four years. The first two years I've been here I went back to the states during the summers just so I can see my friends. It's been two years since I've seen them but still I communicated regularly with some of them. I have a group chat with my friends. Started out with 4 people now there's 20.

    I don't know about ten of the 20, I met some but don't know them that well as they started hanging out with my friends when I went to Kenya. Among the 20 people I believe 6 or 7 are muslim. One of the muslims is a revert, I think he took his shahada a couple months ago but I was told he's been praying for about a year or so. I haven't really talked with this brother because he's one of the people who started hanging out with my friends after I left America.

    Alhamdulilah I was muslim from day one. But I never really practiced Islam until the second year of living in Kenya. This is mainly due to my older brother as he convinced me to start praying and learning about Islam. So even though I got serious about my deen that second time I went back to the states I pretty much stopped practicing. The first week maybe I was in the states I was praying and stuff and I even got some of my muslim friends to pray with me. But as the days went on, hanging out with them almost everyday, the music, occasional backbiting, movies, talking about girls etc. This lead to a halt in my religious practices. And immediately when I came back to Kenya I felt the regret and Alhamdulilah I started practicing again. So I haven't gone to America for the past two years and I can feel that my Imam has grown and I don't believe this will happen to me again InshaAllah.

    So I'm going back to the states in a few months and I will be there for maybe two years so I can finish up university. My friends are awaiting my return and I miss them. During the two years I didn't go back to the states my friends have been doing more haram things. Weed, alcohol, parties, girls, etc. Weed and alcohol won't usually be around if like we're hanging out after playing some bball or something. But sometimes in the group chat they plan to hang out at someones house to smoke. Also they don't frequently go to parties and not everything they talk about is about girls. But nonetheless even if it's not frequent I don't want to be involved in any of these haram things.

    So of the 20 people, If I were to keep them as friends, I will mostly hang out with ten of them. Of those ten, three don't smoke, and four don't drink. About eight or nine of them would be down for parties and stuff like that. Of the ten, three are muslim. Two have never smoked to my knowledge and one has a couple times. But all three of them go to parties or would want to go to parties. And there are some people who smoked and drank but the don't do it frequently.

    And by the way, I don't play on cutting off my muslim friends. InshaAllah I will try to encourage them to refrain from these haram things. But honestly it seems like it will be really difficult as one of their huge problems is that they are all addicted to music. I feel that music is the gateway to all these other haram acts that my friends do and I believe that two of them know it's haram, they both tried to stop listening to music in Ramadan (only for Ramadan not permanently) and the other one who is most addicted doesn't believe it's haram and even if it was it's not enough of a reason to get him to stop. The latter is the one who is least practicing and I feel will be most difficult to give dawah to. But Allah guides who He wills so maybe I shouldn't be saying that. I also plan to give dawah so some of my non muslim friends. I tried to some already through text but hasn't worked out :/

    So what I'm asking is how do I go about cutting my friends off. Can y'all give me advice about this.

    Sorry for the long post and if some details were unnecessary, I just wanted y'all to have most of the picture so the advice will be better. And if something like this has been posted before sorry, I searched a round a bit, didn't find anything.

    Oh one more thing, I'm generally a pretty shy person, and awkward around people I'm not comfortable with and it usually takes me a while to become comfortable with someone. I'm going to pretty much stop hanging out with my old friends, I would also like some advice on how I can make new friends with some righteous brothers as I'm not good at making new friends. There's about three or four mosque all within a 30 minute drive from my hometown. InshaAllah I will go to one or two of them frequently, is that enough for me to find some righteous friends? Or will I need to put myself out there more by idk starting convos, going to events/classes, etc. I kinda hope that some brothers just approach me lol that will be easy but unlikely.

    And also I would like to share some hadtihs and ayat from the quran for those who are in similar situation to mine, and are questioning whether cutting your friends off is necessary.

    Narrated Abu Musa:
    Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said, "The example of a good companion (who sits with you) in comparison with a bad one, is like that of the musk seller and the blacksmith's bellows (or furnace); from the first you would either buy musk or enjoy its good smell while the bellows would either burn your clothes or your house, or you get a bad nasty smell thereof."
    Sahih al-Bukhari 2101

    "Mix with the noble people, you become one of them; and keep away from evil people to protect yourself from their evils." (Al-Bukhari and Muslim) I found this online on many websites, none have reference to the hadith number and I can't find it on sunnah.com true or not true it has a good meaning.

    Narrated AbuHurayrah:
    The Prophet (ﷺ) said: A man follows the religion of his friend; so each one should consider whom he makes his friend.
    Sunan Abi Dawud 4833

    "Close friends, that Day, will be enemies to each other, except for the righteous" 43:67

    Abu Qatadah reported: The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Verily, you will never leave anything for the sake of Allah Almighty but that Allah will replace it with something better.”
    Musnad Aḥmad 22565

    May Allah grant us righteous companions who keep each other in the remembrance of Allah.

    P.S. I hate proofreading, lol so if I made any misspellings and stuff like that my b.

    JazakAllah khair

  • Ibn Warsame
    replied
    Re: Need advice on cutting off bad friends

    Originally posted by shay5 View Post
    If they are your friends then wouldn't you be ok with being honest with them? friends are meant to be understanding...if they turn on you then they were never your friends in the first place so you can find comfort in knowing they never accepted you for YOU.
    I was talking with my bro today about this, and that's what I'm probably going to do. I expect them to be understanding, but I don't expect them to stop doing haram things so we'll mostly like part ways on good terms.

    Leave a comment:


  • shay5
    replied
    Re: Need advice on cutting off bad friends

    If they are your friends then wouldn't you be ok with being honest with them? friends are meant to be understanding...if they turn on you then they were never your friends in the first place so you can find comfort in knowing they never accepted you for YOU.

    Leave a comment:


  • Sky Lark
    replied
    Re: Need advice on cutting off bad friends

    Originally posted by Ibn Warsame View Post
    Thanks for the response. Your right, I think one true friend will be more than enough. Hopefully it could be one of my current muslim friends and the more the merrier. Even though I'm one of the original people from the group, I don't really have the 'upper hand' anymore as I been in Kenya for four years, this is why I fear hanging out with them as I will have little control of whats going on.

    And sorry about the post being so long, it didn't seem that long when I was writing it. I tried to edit to make it shorter but couldn't find any option to do so :/
    No, its fine, your post is good, its good to express yourself and whereby we can understand what is happening.

    Yes that would be nice if you became close to one of the muslim friends, I just want to point out that having someone as a close friend depends on how compatible you are, so you do get different levels of friendship, but it will be nice still, at any level, to keep contact with muslims, and you will notice that each one is different.

    Hope you achieve your wishes and to bring deen onto them and da'wah, keep us updated.

    Leave a comment:


  • Ibn Warsame
    replied
    Re: Need advice on cutting off bad friends

    This is gonna be tough, but your right. Idk it doesn't feel right to cut off my muslims friends as well as they are the ones I'm closest to but like you said my imam is the priority. I'll try to do this day one when I get back. Maybe I'll try to have a discussion with them about leaving off these haram things and if they don't then I'll stop hanging out with but will invite them to do good. InshaAllah it works out. I did leave the group chat for a couple months but I was added back cuz I'll be back in the states soon but I don't want to just abruptly leave and cut my non muslim friends off. When I was thinking about how I would cut off my friends I always imagined having a conversation with them and telling them that I don't want to be around all these haram things and kind of explain the situation.

    Thanks for the response. I will definitely do what you suggested about the masjid.

    JazakAllah khair

    Leave a comment:


  • abdulsidd
    replied
    Re: Need advice on cutting off bad friends

    Cut off your Muslim friends in that group as well. You can invite them to come to the masjid and stuff with you, but don't go to any of their parties. And if they turn down invitations to the masjid once or twice and try to entice you back into the haraam lifestyle, then just cut them off completely. You have to protect yourself from Hell first, then your family, and then your friends and those around you. So your Iman is the priority here.

    The first thing that you MUST do is to get out of that chat group. Just tell them to remove you from the group. Or change your number or something. And if they ask why they don't see you around and stuff, just say that you're really busy.

    As far as making friends at the masjid, choose one of the masjids that has the most practicing brothers around your age and attend that masjid regularly. Get involved in any events, classes, volunteer opportunities at the masjid so you can get to know people and they can get to know you. If there isn't anything going on at the masjid, then take the initiative and start something. Or go to the masjid with the most programs and events.

    Leave a comment:


  • Ibn Warsame
    replied
    Re: Need advice on cutting off bad friends

    Thanks for the response. Your right, I think one true friend will be more than enough. Hopefully it could be one of my current muslim friends and the more the merrier. Even though I'm one of the original people from the group, I don't really have the 'upper hand' anymore as I been in Kenya for four years, this is why I fear hanging out with them as I will have little control of whats going on.

    And sorry about the post being so long, it didn't seem that long when I was writing it. I tried to edit to make it shorter but couldn't find any option to do so :/

    Leave a comment:


  • Sky Lark
    replied
    Re: Need advice on cutting off bad friends

    Wa alaikum salam warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

    Thank you for your detailed post.

    Good company is very hard to get these days, so even if you can find just one person who can be a true friend, you have enough.

    I suppose you know quite a bit about bad company, and btw, see my signature.

    If you know you do have the 'upper hand' in controlling the company then you should associate with them but minimally, just for the sake of helping them come back to practising Islam, not just for the sake of hanging around.

    It is very easy to fall back if you become like friends again with such people, so know your limits, and what to do.

    Thats just a few things I can say now. Hope that helps.

    Leave a comment:

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