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  • I haven't talked to my brother for years

    I haven't talked to my brother for years and we live in the same house. I was very stupid and ignorant about Islam many years ago and something happened between us and I decided not to speak to him again. We kept saying Salam for a whiel after that but then we gradually stopped and now when we see each other in the morning or around the house we don't say Salam except if I come home and say Salam to everyone and he might say Salam then, but it is not one on one and we never speak nowadays. I am in grief because of this and I pray for him everyday but I am extremely awkward socially and there is no way I can just start talking to him again because as it is even saying Salam has become awkward and difficult. I pray for him everyday and ask Allah to forgive me for breaking my kinship bond with him but I have hope in Allah that praying for him is a way of maintaining my kinship bond because I am technically doing something good for him since I heard in a Hadith that praying for someone without anyone else knowing (ie it's between you and God only) is the quickest way for a dua to be accepted, so if I keep praying for him my hope is that Allah swt accepts my dua and that means I am doing good for him.

    Please help me, I don't know what to do and people keep saying kinship bonds means you have to talk to people. I am very awkward and have social anxiety meaning I go pale, cold and shake sometimes in social situations. When I try to speak to people weird stuff comes out and this has always been the case. I'm a very introverted and analytical person and spend most of my time studying in my room. Please help me I am really desperate, am I breaking ties of kinship by not talking to him?

    Note: I already know that I need to improve on a lot of things such as social anxiety and I am working towards that. My question is whether I will be punished for what I am doing or if praying for my family members is sufficient as maintaining ties of kinship. That is all I want to know at the moment to give me some peace of mind. JazakAllahu khair

  • #2
    Re: I haven't talked to my brother for years

    Just make peace with him.

    What happened between you and him, whether he was in the wrong, or you were in the wrong, or whether there is a bit of blame both ways, just let it go. Be the bigger man and forgive him, but you don't necessarily have to forget - meaning, if you need to protect yourself from being hurt again in the future there is no harm in setting boundaries.

    I have been in this situation and the reality is, it becomes a hassle not to talk to someone, a burden, it becomes awkward to maintain and its also very difficult for the household in general.

    Eid is the perfect time, or during the last 10 days of Ramadan. Just say 'Salam' and say lets bury the hatchet and move on. Not talking is a major pain and too much trouble to continue. You don't have to be best friends, just be civil and brotherly towards each other.

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    • #3
      Re: I haven't talked to my brother for years

      We don't hate each other, we have nothing against each other, we sort of just don't talk. We have both forgotten the incident, it happened many years ago. But the fact that we stopped talking has made it awkward. I pray for him and love him, and he likes me too because I talk to my mum and she tells me things he says about me sometimes. I don't know how to explain it, we just don't talk and it has become very awkward between us but I pray for him everyday. I am aware that I am in a very specific situation and it can be hard to understand but I wanted to know if I will be punished for being like this. It's sad because we both forgot about the incident and the only reason we don't talk is because of the awkwardness, how can I explain this it gives me so much grief everyday which is why I pray for him. My heart is completely clear from any enmity or rancour towards him.

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: I haven't talked to my brother for years

        Originally posted by AX1300 View Post
        Just make peace with him.

        What happened between you and him, whether he was in the wrong, or you were in the wrong, or whether there is a bit of blame both ways, just let it go. Be the bigger man and forgive him, but you don't necessarily have to forget - meaning, if you need to protect yourself from being hurt again in the future there is no harm in setting boundaries.

        I have been in this situation and the reality is, it becomes a hassle not to talk to someone, a burden, it becomes awkward to maintain and its also very difficult for the household in general.

        Eid is the perfect time, or during the last 10 days of Ramadan. Just say 'Salam' and say lets bury the hatchet and move on. Not talking is a major pain and too much trouble to continue. You don't have to be best friends, just be civil and brotherly towards each other.
        We don't hate each other, we have nothing against each other, we sort of just don't talk. We have both forgotten the incident, it happened many years ago. But the fact that we stopped talking has made it awkward. I pray for him and love him, and he likes me too because I talk to my mum and she tells me things he says about me sometimes. My mum probably doesn't know that we don't talk. I don't know how to explain it, we just don't talk and it has become very awkward between us but I pray for him everyday. I am aware that I am in a very specific situation and it can be hard to understand but I wanted to know if I will be punished for being like this. It's sad because we both forgot about the incident and the only reason we don't talk is because of the awkwardness, how can I explain this it gives me so much grief everyday which is why I pray for him. My heart is completely clear from any enmity or rancour towards him.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: I haven't talked to my brother for years

          Assalamu alaykum

          Subhanallah.

          My advice to you is to buy your brother a gift and give it to him, indeed gifts increases the love. You say you are socially awkward and can't go up to him so have the gift delivered in his name and I'm sure after that he will come up to you saying jazakallah khayr. Allah swt loves the muhsin, the one who forgives and joins the bonds. Make sincere dua to Allah subhanahu Wa ta aala to bring you to back together. Use this 'ya mualliful quloob' (oh one who joins hearts) and then proceed to ask Allah subhanahu Wa ta aala to join your hearts together

          The ties of kinship are very very important in Islam wallah I cannot stress it enough. Make sincere dua to Allah subhanahu Wa ta aala, give the gift and if you really cannot go up him directly the least you can do is send your brother a text / email. Your reward is with Allah subhanahu Wa ta aala, may Allah make it easy
          https://islamicgemsandpearls.wordpress.com

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          • #6
            Re: I haven't talked to my brother for years

            Brother, take a deep breath, and remember it is ramadhan... there is nothing awkward about telling him "its ramadhan and i feel we will both be punished if we continue like that, so how r u and hows work/studies"...
            Im sure he feels the same, and the person who starts salam is better than the one who responds after... take advantage of ramadhan, good reason to end this...

            Loving him behind the scene is not enough im afraid, the word صلة means to connect... you need to connect with him directly...
            *
            *
            * typing from my phone, excuse the mess

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: I haven't talked to my brother for years

              Originally posted by TinyTraveller View Post
              We don't hate each other, we have nothing against each other, we sort of just don't talk. We have both forgotten the incident, it happened many years ago. But the fact that we stopped talking has made it awkward. I pray for him and love him, and he likes me too because I talk to my mum and she tells me things he says about me sometimes. My mum probably doesn't know that we don't talk. I don't know how to explain it, we just don't talk and it has become very awkward between us but I pray for him everyday. I am aware that I am in a very specific situation and it can be hard to understand but I wanted to know if I will be punished for being like this. It's sad because we both forgot about the incident and the only reason we don't talk is because of the awkwardness, how can I explain this it gives me so much grief everyday which is why I pray for him. My heart is completely clear from any enmity or rancour towards him.
              That's good to hear.

              What type of relationship do you want with him?

              Maybe this is how it is and should be? some relationships run their course and kind of end up in a neutral type of position - if that makes sense.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: I haven't talked to my brother for years

                Originally posted by TinyTraveller View Post
                We don't hate each other, we have nothing against each other, we sort of just don't talk. We have both forgotten the incident, it happened many years ago. But the fact that we stopped talking has made it awkward. I pray for him and love him, and he likes me too because I talk to my mum and she tells me things he says about me sometimes. I don't know how to explain it, we just don't talk and it has become very awkward between us but I pray for him everyday. I am aware that I am in a very specific situation and it can be hard to understand but I wanted to know if I will be punished for being like this. It's sad because we both forgot about the incident and the only reason we don't talk is because of the awkwardness, how can I explain this it gives me so much grief everyday which is why I pray for him. My heart is completely clear from any enmity or rancour towards him.
                Events get people to open up or bring them together... Why not use something as an excuse to talk to him? Get his advice on something. Could be something small at first and then gradually build up to lengthier conversations....You have to put the effort in, yes it will be awkward but it is worth it. If you say a little something each day the ice will be broken...

                Have you got professional help for your anxiety?
                Why hasn't your mother stepped in? Doesn't she know you two don't speak?
                Do you have other siblings and what is your relationship like with htem?
                Last edited by shay5; 14-06-17, 02:02 AM.
                Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: I haven't talked to my brother for years

                  Start out by saying Salam to him and then work your way up from there. Next you could try asking him yes or no questions and eventually you'll develop a better relationship with him Insha' Allah.

                  What's the worst that can happen if you do that? It's probably not as bad you think it is.
                  Narrated Anas:
                  The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "None of you will have faith till he wishes for his (Muslim) brother what he likes for himself." [Bukhari]

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: I haven't talked to my brother for years

                    Shake his hand and surprise him with a brotherly hug.

                    Do it.
                    اللهم يا مقلب القلوب ثبت قلبي على دينك

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: I haven't talked to my brother for years

                      step:
                      1-say salaam again
                      2- ask him how he is something as small as "you good bro?"
                      3-if he's older throw a marriage joke to ur mum and make sure he heard u say his name
                      4-at this point you must have had some contact from him if not then repeat steps 1 to 3 if so then make small talk
                      5-ask if he wants anything from the shop "im going shop/take-away you want owt?"

                      that's it .. go forth my young warrior and report back to me asap

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: I haven't talked to my brother for years

                        Originally posted by TinyTraveller View Post
                        I haven't talked to my brother for years and we live in the same house. I was very stupid and ignorant about Islam many years ago and something happened between us and I decided not to speak to him again. We kept saying Salam for a whiel after that but then we gradually stopped and now when we see each other in the morning or around the house we don't say Salam except if I come home and say Salam to everyone and he might say Salam then, but it is not one on one and we never speak nowadays. I am in grief because of this and I pray for him everyday but I am extremely awkward socially and there is no way I can just start talking to him again because as it is even saying Salam has become awkward and difficult. I pray for him everyday and ask Allah to forgive me for breaking my kinship bond with him but I have hope in Allah that praying for him is a way of maintaining my kinship bond because I am technically doing something good for him since I heard in a Hadith that praying for someone without anyone else knowing (ie it's between you and God only) is the quickest way for a dua to be accepted, so if I keep praying for him my hope is that Allah swt accepts my dua and that means I am doing good for him.

                        Please help me, I don't know what to do and people keep saying kinship bonds means you have to talk to people. I am very awkward and have social anxiety meaning I go pale, cold and shake sometimes in social situations. When I try to speak to people weird stuff comes out and this has always been the case. I'm a very introverted and analytical person and spend most of my time studying in my room. Please help me I am really desperate, am I breaking ties of kinship by not talking to him?

                        Note: I already know that I need to improve on a lot of things such as social anxiety and I am working towards that. My question is whether I will be punished for what I am doing or if praying for my family members is sufficient as maintaining ties of kinship. That is all I want to know at the moment to give me some peace of mind. JazakAllahu khair
                        Not trying to be funny here, but since you are socially awkward - the following should work In Sha Allaah.

                        Accidentally [on purpose] - spill some drink on him and then profusely apologise and start cleaning his clothes.

                        And then say, 'are you okay? sorry man, it was accident.' by which point, he will either say:

                        'no problem' or maybe shove you, if he does either, just apologise again and this will In Sha Allaah be the start of a good conversation.

                        Or it could backfire, and he could start hitting you, but either way, at least you're communicating.

                        You're brothers after all, you'll laugh about it afterwards.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: I haven't talked to my brother for years

                          Start by buying him a gift.

                          It will generate the love.
                          “Mix with the noble people, you become one of them; and keep away from evil people so that you protect yourself from their evils.”


                          Hadhrat Ali (Radiallahu anhu)

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                          • #14
                            Re: I haven't talked to my brother for years

                            :salams
                            If you are already praying for him why not ask Allah to repair the ties between you two and make things easy for you to talk to him
                            What if you woke up today with only the things you thanked Allah for yesterday?

                            We worry about tomorrow as if its guaranteed

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: I haven't talked to my brother for years

                              Originally posted by Sky Lark View Post
                              Start by buying him a gift.

                              It will generate the love.
                              a little too romantic ... with brothers it's weird they don't really do that especially if there isn't much of a age gap maybe with sisters it's all romance etc but with bros its diff

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