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I haven't talked to my brother for years

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  • TinyTraveller
    started a topic I haven't talked to my brother for years

    I haven't talked to my brother for years

    I haven't talked to my brother for years and we live in the same house. I was very stupid and ignorant about Islam many years ago and something happened between us and I decided not to speak to him again. We kept saying Salam for a whiel after that but then we gradually stopped and now when we see each other in the morning or around the house we don't say Salam except if I come home and say Salam to everyone and he might say Salam then, but it is not one on one and we never speak nowadays. I am in grief because of this and I pray for him everyday but I am extremely awkward socially and there is no way I can just start talking to him again because as it is even saying Salam has become awkward and difficult. I pray for him everyday and ask Allah to forgive me for breaking my kinship bond with him but I have hope in Allah that praying for him is a way of maintaining my kinship bond because I am technically doing something good for him since I heard in a Hadith that praying for someone without anyone else knowing (ie it's between you and God only) is the quickest way for a dua to be accepted, so if I keep praying for him my hope is that Allah swt accepts my dua and that means I am doing good for him.

    Please help me, I don't know what to do and people keep saying kinship bonds means you have to talk to people. I am very awkward and have social anxiety meaning I go pale, cold and shake sometimes in social situations. When I try to speak to people weird stuff comes out and this has always been the case. I'm a very introverted and analytical person and spend most of my time studying in my room. Please help me I am really desperate, am I breaking ties of kinship by not talking to him?

    Note: I already know that I need to improve on a lot of things such as social anxiety and I am working towards that. My question is whether I will be punished for what I am doing or if praying for my family members is sufficient as maintaining ties of kinship. That is all I want to know at the moment to give me some peace of mind. JazakAllahu khair

  • bouchra88
    replied
    Re: I haven't talked to my brother for years

    I had that same problem.
    You must build your imane up and fear Allah swt.
    Than you must reminder its a big sin and your prayers will not accepted (?????)
    Begin with something small to say and every day you build up. But you must talk to each other every day. Then there comes a moment in your life that this problem is forgotten inshallah.

    Leave a comment:


  • Sky Lark
    replied
    Re: I haven't talked to my brother for years

    Originally posted by babadods View Post
    a little too romantic ... with brothers it's weird they don't really do that especially if there isn't much of a age gap maybe with sisters it's all romance etc but with bros its diff
    Really, I wouldnt have thought like that, because giving gifts is sunnah and one should look at it like that and there is wisdom behind it.

    He could give something appropriate, just like how normal families do.

    Leave a comment:


  • MuslimThinker
    replied
    Re: I haven't talked to my brother for years

    Maybe buy food and share em with your brother.
    Have something in common to talk to with him also.
    Can pick the right time and moment to "spark" the conversation.
    Remember not to repeat the same thing that caused this in the first place.

    Leave a comment:


  • shay5
    replied
    Re: I haven't talked to my brother for years

    Best thing to do is get your mum to talk to both of you, she should initiate a conversation when both of you are in the room. That will break the ice. All this talk of giving gifts and spilling drinks is . .

    Leave a comment:


  • Kya
    replied
    Re: I haven't talked to my brother for years

    Sound like a big case of ego getting gin the way. You both live together, you can't remember the incident but no one wants to break the silent because that would mean they are weak. Recognize what is preventing you from talking to him is your ego. Push that aside & start with giving salam to him when you see him even if he is with people or not. Next ask him, how are you? or How was your day

    You don't need to start with long conversation. Start small, simple conversation. He might not respond at first because you will catch him off guard. Give him some time to let it sink in and let him respond back to your salam or say "day was good". Then you can bring up other matters

    Leave a comment:


  • european muslim
    replied
    Re: I haven't talked to my brother for years

    Ask him to help you with something.
    In helping you out, a connection will be made and conversation is the result.

    Leave a comment:


  • babadods
    replied
    Re: I haven't talked to my brother for years

    Originally posted by Sky Lark View Post
    Start by buying him a gift.

    It will generate the love.
    a little too romantic ... with brothers it's weird they don't really do that especially if there isn't much of a age gap maybe with sisters it's all romance etc but with bros its diff

    Leave a comment:


  • eesa the kiwi
    replied
    Re: I haven't talked to my brother for years

    :salams
    If you are already praying for him why not ask Allah to repair the ties between you two and make things easy for you to talk to him

    Leave a comment:


  • Sky Lark
    replied
    Re: I haven't talked to my brother for years

    Start by buying him a gift.

    It will generate the love.

    Leave a comment:


  • Indefinable
    replied
    Re: I haven't talked to my brother for years

    Originally posted by TinyTraveller View Post
    I haven't talked to my brother for years and we live in the same house. I was very stupid and ignorant about Islam many years ago and something happened between us and I decided not to speak to him again. We kept saying Salam for a whiel after that but then we gradually stopped and now when we see each other in the morning or around the house we don't say Salam except if I come home and say Salam to everyone and he might say Salam then, but it is not one on one and we never speak nowadays. I am in grief because of this and I pray for him everyday but I am extremely awkward socially and there is no way I can just start talking to him again because as it is even saying Salam has become awkward and difficult. I pray for him everyday and ask Allah to forgive me for breaking my kinship bond with him but I have hope in Allah that praying for him is a way of maintaining my kinship bond because I am technically doing something good for him since I heard in a Hadith that praying for someone without anyone else knowing (ie it's between you and God only) is the quickest way for a dua to be accepted, so if I keep praying for him my hope is that Allah swt accepts my dua and that means I am doing good for him.

    Please help me, I don't know what to do and people keep saying kinship bonds means you have to talk to people. I am very awkward and have social anxiety meaning I go pale, cold and shake sometimes in social situations. When I try to speak to people weird stuff comes out and this has always been the case. I'm a very introverted and analytical person and spend most of my time studying in my room. Please help me I am really desperate, am I breaking ties of kinship by not talking to him?

    Note: I already know that I need to improve on a lot of things such as social anxiety and I am working towards that. My question is whether I will be punished for what I am doing or if praying for my family members is sufficient as maintaining ties of kinship. That is all I want to know at the moment to give me some peace of mind. JazakAllahu khair
    Not trying to be funny here, but since you are socially awkward - the following should work In Sha Allaah.

    Accidentally [on purpose] - spill some drink on him and then profusely apologise and start cleaning his clothes.

    And then say, 'are you okay? sorry man, it was accident.' by which point, he will either say:

    'no problem' or maybe shove you, if he does either, just apologise again and this will In Sha Allaah be the start of a good conversation.

    Or it could backfire, and he could start hitting you, but either way, at least you're communicating.

    You're brothers after all, you'll laugh about it afterwards.

    Leave a comment:


  • babadods
    replied
    Re: I haven't talked to my brother for years

    step:
    1-say salaam again
    2- ask him how he is something as small as "you good bro?"
    3-if he's older throw a marriage joke to ur mum and make sure he heard u say his name
    4-at this point you must have had some contact from him if not then repeat steps 1 to 3 if so then make small talk
    5-ask if he wants anything from the shop "im going shop/take-away you want owt?"

    that's it .. go forth my young warrior and report back to me asap

    Leave a comment:


  • ابن مرة
    replied
    Re: I haven't talked to my brother for years

    Shake his hand and surprise him with a brotherly hug.

    Do it.

    Leave a comment:


  • ms.muslimah
    replied
    Re: I haven't talked to my brother for years

    Start out by saying Salam to him and then work your way up from there. Next you could try asking him yes or no questions and eventually you'll develop a better relationship with him Insha' Allah.

    What's the worst that can happen if you do that? It's probably not as bad you think it is.

    Leave a comment:


  • shay5
    replied
    Re: I haven't talked to my brother for years

    Originally posted by TinyTraveller View Post
    We don't hate each other, we have nothing against each other, we sort of just don't talk. We have both forgotten the incident, it happened many years ago. But the fact that we stopped talking has made it awkward. I pray for him and love him, and he likes me too because I talk to my mum and she tells me things he says about me sometimes. I don't know how to explain it, we just don't talk and it has become very awkward between us but I pray for him everyday. I am aware that I am in a very specific situation and it can be hard to understand but I wanted to know if I will be punished for being like this. It's sad because we both forgot about the incident and the only reason we don't talk is because of the awkwardness, how can I explain this it gives me so much grief everyday which is why I pray for him. My heart is completely clear from any enmity or rancour towards him.
    Events get people to open up or bring them together... Why not use something as an excuse to talk to him? Get his advice on something. Could be something small at first and then gradually build up to lengthier conversations....You have to put the effort in, yes it will be awkward but it is worth it. If you say a little something each day the ice will be broken...

    Have you got professional help for your anxiety?
    Why hasn't your mother stepped in? Doesn't she know you two don't speak?
    Do you have other siblings and what is your relationship like with htem?
    Last edited by shay5; 14-06-17, 02:02 AM.

    Leave a comment:

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