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  • What is a healthy way to show anger?

    This is not about having a bad temper, because that's another topic. But this one's about how you can communicate with others ( friends, colleagues or family) that you are dissatisfied with something. I think for me, the way I was brought up shaped me to think that expressing any form of anger is not a nice thing to do. I grew up numbing my emotions instead, or just being emotionally inexpressive, and it's probably made me feel like frowning made me unpretty or unladylike. It made me hold grudges against people I'm currently nice to.

    I do notice a similar trend when I work in all-female groups too. The girls I worked with are reserved types who'd always be nice to work with and easy to talk to. Until recently, one of them started to burst out in anger over something that's happened a long time ago. Even when expressing anger through text, there's always other girls who look down on her for "causing drama", being "petty" and creating tension in the group. Eventually she got talked about, and ostracized, just because of that.

    I personally think her anger was valid, especially knowing her that she's going through a tough time, dealing with parents' divorce. Eventually no fair deal was made, just the leader of the group convincing her that it is what it is.

    I'm just wondering if this is just the way culture grooms us to be that way, like a "fake harmony", but actually, there's a lot surpressed emotions behind all of that.

    Is there a healthy way to show you're angry? Without making others feel bad and making it known your feelings are validated?
    Last edited by nudgetheputri; 06-06-17, 01:34 PM.

  • #2
    Re: What is a healthy way to show anger?

    i tend to just stay silent i aint married but this is how i deal with ppl i stay very quiet and dont say anything and i tell them nicely that im mad and that they shouldn't continue or id rip them to shreds (to strangers) or i get quiet walk out and come home late and then sleep without eating and not talk to anyone or eat home until im cooled off. i do thai boxing and that helps me relieve stress i have punched the fences in my garden to calm down too i ended up having wood stuck in my skin and stuff but it calmed me down lol i also broke the fence XD

    it takes a lot to get me mad and im only mad if no one listens to me or if someone messing up on islamic usool and refuse to listen to the truth

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    • #3
      Re: What is a healthy way to show anger?

      Originally posted by babadods View Post
      i tend to just stay silent i aint married but this is how i deal with ppl i stay very quiet and dont say anything and i tell them nicely that im mad and that they shouldn't continue or id rip them to shreds (to strangers) or i get quiet walk out and come home late and then sleep without eating and not talk to anyone or eat home until im cooled off. i do thai boxing and that helps me relieve stress i have punched the fences in my garden to calm down too i ended up having wood stuck in my skin and stuff but it calmed me down lol i also broke the fence XD

      it takes a lot to get me mad and im only mad if no one listens to me or if someone messing up on islamic usool and refuse to listen to the truth
      Interesting. I guess you made your point clear by telling them nicely you're upset.

      It sounds a bit violent though "rip them to shreds". I guess that's expected from a muay thai boxer.

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: What is a healthy way to show anger?

        Originally posted by nudgetheputri View Post
        Interesting. I guess you made your point clear by telling them nicely you're upset.

        It sounds a bit violent though "rip them to shreds". I guess that's expected from a muay thai boxer.
        well i aint gonna be nice to stranger lol i dont know the guy or woman (i won't hit a woman but those who believe in = rights shall be given the = treatment XD)
        bloody hell you make thai boxers sound like savages .. i assure you missy we are fine men

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: What is a healthy way to show anger?

          I dont get angry - I get even :p

          What I do is vent... then go into silent mode until I am ready to speak about it.

          This is really seldom tho, I dont get angry very often...
          “Mu'min” is more that just a title. It is to have Imaan established in the heart and testified to by the limbs.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: What is a healthy way to show anger?

            Originally posted by Miss Foxxy View Post
            I dont get angry - I get even :p

            What I do is vent... then go into silent mode until I am ready to speak about it.

            This is really seldom tho, I dont get angry very often...
            Okay that's good.

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: What is a healthy way to show anger?

              Originally posted by babadods View Post
              well i aint gonna be nice to stranger lol i dont know the guy or woman (i won't hit a woman but those who believe in = rights shall be given the = treatment XD)
              bloody hell you make thai boxers sound like savages .. i assure you missy we are fine men
              I see. I wouldnt recommend hitting a woman unless your life is at risk. It's bad and traumatizing for her to take in.

              And this contradicts your last statement soo...

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: What is a healthy way to show anger?

                Originally posted by nudgetheputri View Post
                I see. I wouldnt recommend hitting a woman unless your life is at risk. It's bad and traumatizing for her to take in.

                And this contradicts your last statement soo...
                It was a joke ive never hit a woman i dont really have anything to do with them so allahmdulillah never been in a situation where its happened

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: What is a healthy way to show anger?

                  I think you raise a very important point.

                  For example, if you are with a group of people who do things that make you angry but you show patience and forgive them - in the long term, can this cause an imbalance as the situation will never get resolved.

                  I listened to a lecture recently about forgiveness and manners and it got me thinking. It's a bit long though (1.25 hours):

                  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KwxCpThyw_M

                  The standard to follow is the standard set by the Prophet (Saws). He was the most merciful, the best in manners and he did not get angry for his own sake.

                  If someone wrongs you, you can forgive but you don't have to forget, you can learn and take it forward and try to implement measures to stop the same thing happening.

                  Violence doesn't work, anger doesn't work. Generally speaking, we have to get on. i.e. you fall out with your mum, dad, siblings, eventually you will feel regret, and in life, you will need to work together to do things. So in these situations its best to be pragmatic and play the long game if you like.

                  My advice is not to lash out, shout, say things in anger etc. the tongue can do a lot of damage. If you can stay calm in tense moments, people will see this quality and turn to you in order to help fix disputes and bring people together, and there is great reward in this.

                  Anger and conflict resolution is not an easy thing, its a difficult situation to discuss too. I think an important thing is to develop strong attributes i.e. patience, forgiveness, strength of character.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: What is a healthy way to show anger?

                    Originally posted by nudgetheputri View Post
                    This is not about having a bad temper, because that's another topic. But this one's about how you can communicate with others ( friends, colleagues or family) that you are dissatisfied with something. I think for me, the way I was brought up shaped me to think that expressing any form of anger is not a nice thing to do. I grew up numbing my emotions instead, or just being emotionally inexpressive, and it's probably made me feel like frowning made me unpretty or unladylike. It made me hold grudges against people I'm currently nice to.

                    I do notice a similar trend when I work in all-female groups too. The girls I worked with are reserved types who'd always be nice to work with and easy to talk to. Until recently, one of them started to burst out in anger over something that's happened a long time ago. Even when expressing anger through text, there's always other girls who look down on her for "causing drama", being "petty" and creating tension in the group. Eventually she got talked about, and ostracized, just because of that.

                    I personally think her anger was valid, especially knowing her that she's going through a tough time, dealing with parents' divorce. Eventually no fair deal was made, just the leader of the group convincing her that it is what it is.

                    I'm just wondering if this is just the way culture grooms us to be that way, like a "fake harmony", but actually, there's a lot surpressed emotions behind all of that.

                    Is there a healthy way to show you're angry? Without making others feel bad and making it known your feelings are validated?
                    You can excuse your self from the situation and go to a room by yourself and break boxes or something that's not important so you can release your anger. If you have a punching dummy you beat the daylights out of it. Or you could buy a bunch of fake glass vases and break all of them. Don't hurt anybody in your family. Just leave the situation immediately.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: What is a healthy way to show anger?

                      Originally posted by AX1300 View Post
                      I think you raise a very important point.

                      For example, if you are with a group of people who do things that make you angry but you show patience and forgive them - in the long term, can this cause an imbalance as the situation will never get resolved.

                      I listened to a lecture recently about forgiveness and manners and it got me thinking. It's a bit long though (1.25 hours):

                      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KwxCpThyw_M

                      The standard to follow is the standard set by the Prophet (Saws). He was the most merciful, the best in manners and he did not get angry for his own sake.

                      If someone wrongs you, you can forgive but you don't have to forget, you can learn and take it forward and try to implement measures to stop the same thing happening.

                      Violence doesn't work, anger doesn't work. Generally speaking, we have to get on. i.e. you fall out with your mum, dad, siblings, eventually you will feel regret, and in life, you will need to work together to do things. So in these situations its best to be pragmatic and play the long game if you like.

                      My advice is not to lash out, shout, say things in anger etc. the tongue can do a lot of damage. If you can stay calm in tense moments, people will see this quality and turn to you in order to help fix disputes and bring people together, and there is great reward in this.

                      Anger and conflict resolution is not an easy thing, its a difficult situation to discuss too. I think an important thing is to develop strong attributes i.e. patience, forgiveness, strength of character.
                      True the tongue can bring a lot of damage to people in the long term. It takes a lot of effort to hold back your tongue especially when we're tensed with someone.

                      But at the same time, what is the best approach when it comes to being confrontational about how offended you are?

                      I know the first step is to take them somewhere where there's nobody around, to protect them from shame and humiliation. Another poster above said be quiet and tell them nicely you're mad and walk away, which is ok..

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: What is a healthy way to show anger?

                        yes, its difficult to make the point across sometimes.
                        Sometimes if they make a joke, and then you don't think its funny and shouldn't be laughing. they will think something is wrong when suddenly you are in serious mode. i believe then they should get the point.

                        I would sometimes take it that sometimes I make others angry, and this time others make you angry.
                        A way of Allah swt teaching you to think of our very own actions.

                        If people make you angry most of the time , best to avoid these people if possible.
                        Allah Subḥānahu wa-taʿālā has mentioned in the Quran in chapter Surah Al-Ahzab:21 There has certainly been for you in the Messenger of Allah an excellent pattern for anyone whose hope is in Allah and the Last Day and [who] remembers Allah often.

                        Comment

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