Abusive Father and Cannot find employment

[anonymisfortune]

Salaam,

Let's call 'Father' 'X'.

'X' has never been there for me emotionally all of my life, merely in physical form.
'X' has never made an attempt to engage or build a fatherly relationship with me since my 19 years of existence.
'X' always uses intimidation (shouting, violent threats, slamming doors, verbal abuse) to demand control and power.

Lately, all of the above has gotten worse.

Recent background:
Finished A-Levels and scored A* AA, but due to an exam-board undermarking my papers and returning amended marks too late, I missed my offer and have been offered a deferred entry for 2017.

I have applied for 40 different jobs in the past 30 days interviewing 6 times.

2 of the interviews were "sales assistant, 100% commission" scams.

Got rejected after 1st / 2nd stage interviews for junior equity operations analyst positions, government procurement services and several more.

Also rejected / ignored by retail firms such as Tesco / Lidl without interview or acknowledgement for reasons which I cannot honestly fathom.

'X' keeps on berating me after every rejection and says that I will be unemployed for the rest of my life and that my studies were worthless.

'X' says that his friends sons were working part-time 20-25 hrs per week along side A-levels (they all got B/C grades or ended up failing A-levels) and that I was an idiot and failure for not finding work, even though I used to finish at 4-5 everyday from SFC and get home by 5-6 and was burnt out by the end of the week.

'X' is a backward thinking individual who cares more about what people think of him and values my worth to him according to 'prestige' of job I do and how much I earn and that's all there is to life for him.

'X' himself is uneducated and can barely speak English and is telling me that the reason for me not being able to get a job is because I probably failed my A-levels (even though he saw the results sheet himself) and that I'm lazy and not trying enough (even though I am contemplating taking up a night-shift job 2am in the morning where I have to walk 50 minutes to even get to the place, where I'm likely to get attacked or robbed on my way there).

I wish I grew up with a father and I feel deeply saddened that, that part of my childhood and life will never be experienced.

I wonder why I am facing such misfortune, I have never done bad nor wished bad upon anyone, and regardless of my position if I could help anyone out in any way I would always do so.

I would love to speak to someone who has gone through what I have gone through and am going through and seek your advice.

Jazak'Allah

PS - Please make dua for me

[bismillaah]

Re: Abusive Father and Cannot find employment

i have gone through a similar thing. You have to find that love from somewhere else, perhaps a righteous wife.

[LA3]

Re: Abusive Father and Cannot find employment

AsSalaamu Alaikum.

May you be brought close to the beauty of Allah, shaded by His throne and embraced by the Angels and Messengers. May you be permitted to drink from Al Kauther and that drink to be from the palms of the Messenger. May the final day be a comfort for you.

You have a loving Master, oh slave of Allah.

[Sarah5]

Re: Abusive Father and Cannot find employment

Salaam,

Let's call 'Father' 'X'.

'X' has never been there for me emotionally all of my life, merely in physical form.
'X' has never made an attempt to engage or build a fatherly relationship with me since my 19 years of existence.
'X' always uses intimidation (shouting, violent threats, slamming doors, verbal abuse) to demand control and power.

Lately, all of the above has gotten worse.

Recent background:
Finished A-Levels and scored A* AA, but due to an exam-board undermarking my papers and returning amended marks too late, I missed my offer and have been offered a deferred entry for 2017.

I have applied for 40 different jobs in the past 30 days interviewing 6 times.

2 of the interviews were "sales assistant, 100% commission" scams.

Got rejected after 1st / 2nd stage interviews for junior equity operations analyst positions, government procurement services and several more.

Also rejected / ignored by retail firms such as Tesco / Lidl without interview or acknowledgement for reasons which I cannot honestly fathom.

'X' keeps on berating me after every rejection and says that I will be unemployed for the rest of my life and that my studies were worthless.

'X' says that his friends sons were working part-time 20-25 hrs per week along side A-levels (they all got B/C grades or ended up failing A-levels) and that I was an idiot and failure for not finding work, even though I used to finish at 4-5 everyday from SFC and get home by 5-6 and was burnt out by the end of the week.

'X' is a backward thinking individual who cares more about what people think of him and values my worth to him according to 'prestige' of job I do and how much I earn and that's all there is to life for him.

'X' himself is uneducated and can barely speak English and is telling me that the reason for me not being able to get a job is because I probably failed my A-levels (even though he saw the results sheet himself) and that I'm lazy and not trying enough (even though I am contemplating taking up a night-shift job 2am in the morning where I have to walk 50 minutes to even get to the place, where I'm likely to get attacked or robbed on my way there).

I wish I grew up with a father and I feel deeply saddened that, that part of my childhood and life will never be experienced.

I wonder why I am facing such misfortune, I have never done bad nor wished bad upon anyone, and regardless of my position if I could help anyone out in any way I would always do so.

I would love to speak to someone who has gone through what I have gone through and am going through and seek your advice.

Jazak'Allah

PS - Please make dua for me

First off,I want to commend you for your excellent achievements. People struggle to finish high school.

Second off, we all have faced some sort of abuse whether it is family, marital, from friends, and so on. Yours is one of the hardest, but you need to understand, this might be one of those 'major trials'. See we all have minor trials, but then those major trials that are hit with really make this dunya as pathetic as it is. So what are you going to do? Turn away from Allah SWT? Or look for answers somewhere other than this dunya? Seldom when afflicted by trials we turn to the only One who can help us, Allah SWT. We search for that quick euphoria whether it is drugs, alcohol, haram relationships, excessive spending, etc.

Brother, what you must do, is be respectful and kind to him even if you are boiling with rage. If you cannot give a kind word or gesture, it is best to ignore the situation, walk out and let yourself cool down.

The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "If any of you becomes angry and he is standing, let him sit down, so his anger will go away; if it does not go away, let him lie down."

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "If a man gets angry and says, ‘I seek refuge with Allaah,’ his anger will go away." (Saheeh al-Jaami’ al-Sagheer, no. 695)

The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "If any of you becomes angry, let him keep silent." (Reported by Imaam Ahmad, al-Musnad, 1/329; see also Saheeh al-Jaami’, 693, 4027).

Anas reported that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) passed by some people who were wrestling. He asked, "What is this?" They said: "So-and-so is the strongest, he can beat anybody." The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, "Shall I not tell you who is even stronger than him? The man who, when he is mistreated by another, controls his anger, has defeated his own shaytaan and the shaytaan of the one who made him angry." (Reported by al-Bazzaar, and Ibn Hijr said its isnaad is saheeh. Al-Fath, 10/519)

All I can tell you is that there is no hardship without ease being around the corner, for sure

Indeed with hardship [will be] ease (94:6)

We have been dealt our cards (Allah SWT has decreed for us our fate). This is a test so Allah SWT can see who is loyal and what we will do. You are being treated horribly, there are Syrian orphans who don't have any food, there is a woman being abused and raped everyday by her husband, there is a daughter who beats up her mother daily, there are parents who have disabled kids who are struggling emotionally/financially, there are reverts who cannot fit in, there are kids being bullied, everyone has hardships. Please don't think this is to undermine your situation, not at all, you have every right to be upset and hurt and you are not being treated correctly, but try to see the goodness of him even if it is hard..

Think like this:

- At least he raised me and fed me and clothed me and put a roof on my head
- He has provided for me an education
- He at least didn't abandon me when I was a child
- He at least didn't molest me (I'm not joking, this is a horrible truth about some monsters out there)

Your father has probably never had a loving figure in his life and doesn't see why it would be fair for his son to get love while he didn't (theory). He loves you I'm sure of it, it's just that he needs to be hard because he doesn't know any other way to be. Or he feels it makes you into a man. Or that he doesn't show affection (because it shows weakness in some people's thoughts). Maybe he's had a hard life and you are his outlet. Whatever the cause, it is unfair, but for the sake of your Lord you must try to stay calm as much as possible because you will get rewards in sha' Allah and I guarantee things will get better (whether it is with your father or job or whatever).

With regards to finding a job, make sure the companies do not sell alcohol/haram products. If Allah SWT has not decreed for you something rest assure you will not get it. Maybe Allah SWT made you dodge a terrible evil? Would you rather be punished for working in a company that sells alcohol? Or a more modest smaller company in which Allah SWT will give you blessings for being halal?

And finally, there is no mother, no father, no spouse, no sibling, no friend that can ever come close to the love of Allah SWT. The Most Merciful, the most loving to his slave. Please try to pray Qyiam one day, talk to Allah SWT, cry to him, ask him to give you patience and make you stronger. Eventually you will be able to identify a tribulation and you will say "Oh Allah, I will show patience but please, I need your help to get through this" and there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.

May Allah SWT ease your heart and may he guide you and give you patience.

[anonymisfortune]

Re: Abusive Father and Cannot find employment

Salaam sisters and brothers, may Allah bless you all with Jannah for your time and efforts in responding and sincere advice.

One possible misconception - because examiners made unprecedented errors and did not correct in time, I was told uni places for my course had filled up for this year so I was given entry for September 2017, hence the need for a job and 'X's outbursts worsening.

And regardless of whether my grandfather loved 'X' or not does not really justify his treatment of myself, Insh'Allah if Allah blesses me with a wife and children I will shower them with all the love and emotion that I never got and live the experience through them.

And absolutely, I will never take a job that involves contact with alcohol / pork / excess / partying, I rejected several offered roles because of that very reason.

Insh'Allah I will keep on applying and trying for the job and one day Allah decides when the time is right to give bless me with one.

May Allah bless you all and relieve your hardships, no matter how small or big.

Jazak'Allah.