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A 21 year old Addict who wants to confess and wants help

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  • A 21 year old Addict who wants to confess and wants help

    I want to share my story today that how much addiction really is bad and how much it changed and molds a person physically mentally and spiritually.
    It started when I was just about 14 or 13 year old ,Grew up great had the best friends and I used to score high in my school I was the best sports kid at school also no-one could beat me at running and I used to be happy with my life until one day I sat on my brothers computer where I used to play games and I had this idea of playing games and installing them with CD's I was barely 15 at the time in middle school and the CD I put into the computer and anxiously waited to see what would happen.
    and what happened next
    I saw a video of a girl and boy.......... Next you know it was porn.
    I had no idea and I still remember that what the hell it was only that I got older and I realized that it was Something I wanted to do and got to understand this ,Soon as this happened.
    Next my school grades dropped , I became dull and weak I dropped out of school all my school friends girls/boys who I loved to play with all of a sudden seemed different to me,I became so different that The kids I used to love playing with were now boring and not fun.
    I didn't take this all seriously and didn't understand and just tried to take my life along ,You know go with the swing I was young
    I lost two year of my academics all due to these bad videos which I got addicted to,I lost all the respect I had in my family of a innocent bright young boy by being absolutely dumb and lazy.

    I still remember my grand uncle and last time he came to me he was sick and loved me so much all his life he came to our house and told me to go bring a book and write down the names of birds and he so calmly told me all this,At the time I didn't care at all I just rushed to go play my video games.The same Uncle I used to love sitting with for hours never get bored and now he seemed so boring to me or that I got boring which Now I understand.
    This was when I was 15 he is no more and I still miss him because sometimes people tell me stories that how much he used to love me used to say that I was such a talented good boy.Sometimes I cry looking back as he was a very respected person who loved everybody a very honest man

    I must say I was born into a very religious and noble family but very secular too but I'm a evil bastard,My father still tells me to go pray and always seems to support me.

    I came to high school after losing two years at my studies and had a point to prove I took it as a shot at my redemption ,I tried to stay away from my addiction of watching these videos and committing sin but I never crossed over 3 months trying to stay away from this addiction since I started.

    At high school I did good I made some great friends I respected my teachers and they all loved me I got an overall "B" on my grade certificates.

    Next came college out of 2012 it was ramadan The best and most peaceful two months of my life it was the olympics 2012 and also ramadan so I absolutely loved it.
    I have never broke any fast even though my troubling addiction got in the way several times I hope Allah(SWT) forgives me.

    I was enjoying my time of holidays after completing high school and was away from addiction for two months and I had this peace in my heart soul and mind And I had this voice in my heart telling me that "This is something special" do not give up.
    as soon as ramadan ended it was the first day of eid and I fell into my addiction again after doing good and keeping away for three months ,My heart told me "wait till you see it ,You will regret this".
    I always had a very spiritual self and I don't know how to describe it,Sometimes I would see dreams warning me of something and becoming true.
    I also had a dream where I saw Mohammed SAW and there were people around who said "Mohammed SAW".But Its a shame I never prayed five times let alone that I hardly attend friday prayers these days

    After my bad mistake of repeating my addiction my family went through a horrible time where my sister out of a sudden developed serious mental problems and went schizophrenic she committed suicide and fell from our house upper floor on to the road down,It was just unbelievable she didn't had a single problem she was happy and Good although she used to behave strange but thats just all part of life.

    She continues to struggle till today even though she has married a less successful man with whom I absolutely don't go along so I don't talk to my sister at all.

    All this horrifying experience coupled with my addiction back in the frame left me with PTSD(Post traumatic stress disorder) and then serious depression from which I suffer today I lost another two years of my academics losing my parents money going to a college where I lost my relationship with a girl-friend because Even when I was in the worst time of my life "I wanted to do the right thing" sorry I don't want to get into the details of that but all I can say it was not a Sexual or anything relationship ,She wanted me to say I love you but I said lets be friends first and lets respect each other then we shall see but she never understood anything so I broke up.

    I lost so much time and so many problems crept up to my all due to a tiny problem which reminds me of a poem I read in school that said "Little things make up big things".

    all the time I lost ,all those days the sins I committed watching videos.The rainy days the beautiful laughs my friends and family had and I was locked up in my room pretending to sleep but actually watching bad videos,all those days I lost.

    Next after losing two years at my college I started to give a go by doing studies at home and self studying at home for a degree which proved to be a disaster for me as I have barely ticked a one month away from my addiction and Lost another year.

    So now I'm standing at day 1 of breaking my addiction with 6 months to go for my A-levels exams which are so hard and I would like to know what I can do and would love to hear other's thoughts on how should I brake this cursed addiction of pornography we know that with pornography one commits a physical sin which I cannot write.

    You see I'm not doing this on purpose its like smoking its an addiction and I apologize if it violates this forums rules or anyone finds this somehow bad.

    My heart had a big black hole which is now 8 years old with this addiction.I lost a very honest and good girl due to this addiction I LOST EVERYTHING,but i still can't help myself sometimes I wish I could shoot myself

    But then sometimes I think "I'm not the person that gives up"
    But now I want to stop ,You see the biggest Jihad is of improving oneself and i'm not sure if this qualifies as Jihad or not but I'm trying to be a Good person who doesn't commit sin by watching vile videos



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