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  • My sinful life story that lead to conversion, with a predicament at the end

    I've been a Muslim now for a little more than 3 months now. As a person who really always believed in that there MUST BE (not "could be", MUST BE) a God and it must be Allah (SWT) and was previously a rather "messy" Christian; I have to say I have been very, very content over these past few months. Doing Salat sometimes takes a bit of a push, but I always get it done in the time allotted. I do Fajr everyday, and that's ironically the easiest one for me to do, my issue is when I am awake and busy to drop what I am doing to do Salat, but I always do, and I always mean it when I do it (in fact, I think that I delay Salat sometimes because I know my mind will be elsewhere when I pray, so I wait until my mind is more calm to do it). I am by no means a perfect Muslim, but compared to where I was previously, I actually have a serious shot at Jannah (Insh'Allah), whereas before I was hopelessly lost.

    From the age of birth till about 11, my life was about as average as it could be. I was just your average child growing up in America. At the age of about 12, my father came out of the closet about being transgender and I then was basically raised without a father from then on out... This caused a lot of psychological problems that I had to work through and I'm not entirely finished yet with that. Since I was raised a momma's boy, I have a very acute and sensitive empathy that can be overwhleming at times - especially in a society where men are punished for not being emotionless robots - but that's a completely different subject. I had a friend whose father died, at the same age roughly as my dad changed, and he has a lot of the same psychological issues I have - but at least his mom was against drugs and "tried" to be a father for him as well... Allah (SWT) bless her for that effort - no women should have to be a mother and a father at the same time, I'm sure its absolutely spiritually exhausting. Getting back to my "dad", about a year and a half or so later he had become so emotionally abusive even my mother couldn't handle it anymore and she kicked him out after I threatened to seriously run away.

    I initially hung out with the gamers in school, but then after playing bass guitar I befriended the musicians... And that's when it started to go downhill. By 14 I was smoking cigarettes and weed - just like my mother. I was 15 by the time I had gotten drunk the first time, I still remember the whole experience, we were in my backyard in a tent drinking. My parents grew up in the free love era, so they just treated "experimentation" as a phase. My "experimentation" also included LSD and mushrooms. The truth that I've ascertained from a lot of meditation and self reflection was that peer pressure got me involved in all those substances, but I used them as a crutch to take my mind off of the New World Order and what was really going on in the world... Its really fucked up in the West as I am sure you all know... Living in the end times was something I literally couldn't psychologically handle for most of my life. I couldn't ascertain where my place was in the world, and being raised in a rough household and the pressures of peers and society really got to me. I suffered from massive anxiety throughout those years in addition to my depression.

    "Coming to" in the world lead me into a dark spiral of many years of which I don't really remember anything at all, I was so depressed I actually didn't even realize I was depressed. It scares me how much time I literally cannot account for. The only thing I really remember was the things I learned and the sort of "evolution" I went through. I spent almost every day from 15 to 23 smoking cigarettes, high, and sometimes drunk. I also think that subconsciously I was spiritually calling for help because I could not find the proper religion no matter how much I tried (if there is one thing I did do a lot of in that period of my life, it was reading and learning, I am really smart despite how screwed up my memory is now). Western propaganda made Islam out to be so silly I never even considered it - even though I knew next to jack squat about it. I basically just passed school, and have been working odd jobs on and off ever since.

    At 23 I became a National Socialist. It was the way that I learned about the Zionists and the true face of the NWO - the yahuud. If your a white guy in the West, National Socialism is the only "organization" that you can join if your "yahuud aware". I didn't do it out of racism, I did it because I realized my homelands were under assault by cultural marxism and wanted to learn more and do something about it. I stayed out of trouble and learned a lot of knowledge I still put to use (I'm still an avid holocaust denier - the holocaust is the lie that allows the yahuud to psychologically control the white race so we cannot "expose" them and rebel against them - which gives them free reign to use our countries and blood to oppress the rest of the world), and really solidified my knowledge of world history. This was also a time when I really became really consciously aware of the Palestinean conflict and I think in a way that had an effect of giving me a respect for arabs and the Middle East which acted as a sort of stepping stone to becoming a Muslim.

    At about 24, as a National Socialist, I started to clean myself up, I basically quit drinking (I probably got drunk 3 or so times that whole year, and totally quit weed). I became a Muslim August 11th 2015. My suicidal thoughts vanished that day, and my baseline "happiness" level is twice what it was before. To reiterate, by my conversion I had been clean of weed for almost a whole year and pretty much quit drinking. And here I am. There was sort of a "spiritual honeymoon" period that occurred after conversion that has now dissipated, so I can clearly look at the whole thing honestly, and it's something I know now is going to be a part of my life for the rest of my life.

    My entire life I have never felt like Allah (SWT)'s slave or a prisoner of the world (even though the NWO defidently makes me feel that way). I was raised basically totally neutral and I've always considered it my mission in life to weed through all this bullshit in life and figure it out all on my own, in some type of psychosis lead journey of self and world discovery. And I'm wrapping it up. I was always angry at God (before I was a Muslim) because He had never given me a good women or a good job and put me in a very rough living situation. But looking back I really honestly feel this - and I always have: That I was a good soul but just maybe "lacked street smarts" on a spiritual level - and that my journey here was custom tailored by Allah (SWT) to allow me to... experiment... to be completely honest here - and in His infinite Omnipotent wisdom, He knew that I would choose Him in the end. Completely on my own. I have. He was absolutely right. Subhanah Wa Ta'Ala.

    I look back on the entire journey (about 5 times more complex than I really put down here, but I covered the basics of the bad stuff) and it could almost bring a tear to my right eye. I literally knew the entire time this was my mission, but it was so scary, so frightening, so spiritually exhausting, but yet at the same time it was just so amazing in it's own right, and the sigh of relief phase I am going through really just puts the nail in that coffin. Many people would say that I've just rationalized a terribly lived beginning of my life, but the vibes only I truly can feel towards the entire journey leave me unable to "jot it down" like that in my own head. The only thing that kept me from suicide all those years was the really subliminal hidden feeling that no matter what - I was okay, that this was going to blow over, and that I just needed to hold on for dear life - and that's exactly what I did. I cannot tell you how many years I absolutely despise myself for my drug habits, but yet I kept doing them - it was really satanic, that's all I can really say.

    For all of you Muslims and Muslimas out there, please allow me to tell you unanimously, that curiousity is NOT more powerful than addiction. Stay away. The whispers of Shaytan may give you curiousity towards drugs and getting high. STAY AWAY! It is the exact same arrogance that prevented Iblis from prostrating that lead to me thinking I could handle drugs and the "fun" lifestyle. STAY AWAY! I am only 25 so I have the ability - with a good push Insh'Allah - to play "catch up" and get myself a good job and live a good life with a wonderful women; but I would be in infinitely better places had I been lucky enough to discover Islam earlier, but then again I always think if I had I wouldn't have taken it so seriously as I do now. TL;DR STAY AWAY FROM DRUGS!

    Now here is my sort of "problem". I don't do drugs etc because I now they are bad for me. For ME. Not even necessarily because Allah (SWT) says I shouldn't, the thing is that Salat has helped me resist drinking and whatnot, so I'm giving Him credit, just stating that it has an element of selfishness towards it, it's not entirely God focused. I've been thinking for many weeks now that the one sin I really never committed was Zinaa, and that is because I've always held sex in high regard, I was ALWAYS disgusted with the way people use each other for sexual pleasure. But I know that right now, I couldn't resist having sex with a women, because I know that if I did, I would be 100% on board to marry her. I don't fall in love easily, and I've been waiting for the right one my entire life (I had too many opportunities to be lying about this). I wouldn't abuse sex for a quick fix, but I would find myself incredibly hard pressed to resist having sex with a women I had dated for months and got to know very well.

    I know dating is haram, but as a white Muslim in the West, really now, there are no other options. I am the only muslim that I've ever known. I have no connections for an arranged marriage, which I wouldn't have too much of an issue with to be totally honest, as "alien" as that would be to a Western minded man; but yet there is that knowing how messed up Westerners are, and knowing that the person you marry is going to become the most important person in your life, I am never going to, under any circumstances, get married until I really know that person deep down; not in a sexual sense, but certainly in an emotional sense - and the only way you can learn that is through dating. Whatever can be said, I will not budge on this, and only a logical epiphany from Allah (SWT) will change my mind - and I have been asking.

    Anyways, my problem is that I don't feel guilt really. If I had sex with a women I really love, I know for a fact that I would love her and 100% would be wanting to marry her. I don't feel guilty about this. And it bothers me. I don't know if it's some sort of "soul defect" or I'm just still a mess from my past drug use... But in many ways that's entirely irrelevant. I literally am indifferent. I know I should feel guilty, but I don't, and can't muster that feeling, no matter how I "frame" it. My mind is set on the idea that "if I have sex, I mean it, 100%, and Allah (SWT) would know it, considering it is a big sin". I won't have sex with a women I wouldn't have an issue marrying the next day. That much I know for a fact. But as a MAN, it is MY JOB to handle my libido, not my future women's job to keep me in check, and it drives me up the walls. I really need to figure this out because I am very good with women, very charming, and I don't want to be that ASSHOLE that would ruin someone else because I don't have all my inner issues handled - this being the main one.

    Thanks for reading, appreciate all feedback and advice.

    LearnedSeeker
    Last edited by learnedseeker; 22-11-15, 10:04 PM.

  • #2
    Re: My sinful life story that lead to conversion, with a predicament at the end

    Bump

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: My sinful life story that lead to conversion, with a predicament at the end

      Brother, first off - Congratulations on finding the right path! Alhamdulillah
      Secondly, all these feelings and emotions that you are going through is really the different ways Satan is trying to get you off the right path.

      In my mind, the simple and most effective way for you to get out of these feelings is:
      1. Continue to offer your salat 5 times a day
      2. Do lots and lots and lots of Dhikr (For the authentic Dhikr, look for morning and evening adhkars). If you are unable to find these, then simply continue with saying Astaghfirullah, or Alhamdulillah, or SubhanAllah, or Subhan Allah-i-wabi hamdihi Subhan Allahilazeem etc. All these adhkars you can say any time of the day or night
      3. Get in touch with your local community mosque.
      4. Do not feel that you are left out by Allah or you are not feeling the guilt - Again, these are some of the way Satan attacks us. Whenever, you have this feeling just remember the time when Allah helped you recognize Him and adopt Islam...

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: My sinful life story that lead to conversion, with a predicament at the end

        Originally posted by learnedseeker View Post
        I've been a Muslim now for a little more than 3 months now. As a person who really always believed in that there MUST BE (not "could be", MUST BE) a God and it must be Allah (SWT) and was previously a rather "messy" Christian; I have to say I have been very, very content over these past few months. Doing Salat sometimes takes a bit of a push, but I always get it done in the time allotted. I do Fajr everyday, and that's ironically the easiest one for me to do, my issue is when I am awake and busy to drop what I am doing to do Salat, but I always do, and I always mean it when I do it (in fact, I think that I delay Salat sometimes because I know my mind will be elsewhere when I pray, so I wait until my mind is more calm to do it). I am by no means a perfect Muslim, but compared to where I was previously, I actually have a serious shot at Jannah (Insh'Allah), whereas before I was hopelessly lost.

        From the age of birth till about 11, my life was about as average as it could be. I was just your average child growing up in America. At the age of about 12, my father came out of the closet about being transgender and I then was basically raised without a father from then on out... This caused a lot of psychological problems that I had to work through and I'm not entirely finished yet with that. Since I was raised a momma's boy, I have a very acute and sensitive empathy that can be overwhleming at times - especially in a society where men are punished for not being emotionless robots - but that's a completely different subject. I had a friend whose father died, at the same age roughly as my dad changed, and he has a lot of the same psychological issues I have - but at least his mom was against drugs and "tried" to be a father for him as well... Allah (SWT) bless her for that effort - no women should have to be a mother and a father at the same time, I'm sure its absolutely spiritually exhausting. Getting back to my "dad", about a year and a half or so later he had become so emotionally abusive even my mother couldn't handle it anymore and she kicked him out after I threatened to seriously run away.

        I initially hung out with the gamers in school, but then after playing bass guitar I befriended the musicians... And that's when it started to go downhill. By 14 I was smoking cigarettes and weed - just like my mother. I was 15 by the time I had gotten drunk the first time, I still remember the whole experience, we were in my backyard in a tent drinking. My parents grew up in the free love era, so they just treated "experimentation" as a phase. My "experimentation" also included LSD and mushrooms. The truth that I've ascertained from a lot of meditation and self reflection was that peer pressure got me involved in all those substances, but I used them as a crutch to take my mind off of the New World Order and what was really going on in the world... Its really fucked up in the West as I am sure you all know... Living in the end times was something I literally couldn't psychologically handle for most of my life. I couldn't ascertain where my place was in the world, and being raised in a rough household and the pressures of peers and society really got to me. I suffered from massive anxiety throughout those years in addition to my depression.

        "Coming to" in the world lead me into a dark spiral of many years of which I don't really remember anything at all, I was so depressed I actually didn't even realize I was depressed. It scares me how much time I literally cannot account for. The only thing I really remember was the things I learned and the sort of "evolution" I went through. I spent almost every day from 15 to 23 smoking cigarettes, high, and sometimes drunk. I also think that subconsciously I was spiritually calling for help because I could not find the proper religion no matter how much I tried (if there is one thing I did do a lot of in that period of my life, it was reading and learning, I am really smart despite how screwed up my memory is now). Western propaganda made Islam out to be so silly I never even considered it - even though I knew next to jack squat about it. I basically just passed school, and have been working odd jobs on and off ever since.

        At 23 I became a National Socialist. It was the way that I learned about the Zionists and the true face of the NWO - the yahuud. If your a white guy in the West, National Socialism is the only "organization" that you can join if your "yahuud aware". I didn't do it out of racism, I did it because I realized my homelands were under assault by cultural marxism and wanted to learn more and do something about it. I stayed out of trouble and learned a lot of knowledge I still put to use (I'm still an avid holocaust denier - the holocaust is the lie that allows the yahuud to psychologically control the white race so we cannot "expose" them and rebel against them - which gives them free reign to use our countries and blood to oppress the rest of the world), and really solidified my knowledge of world history. This was also a time when I really became really consciously aware of the Palestinean conflict and I think in a way that had an effect of giving me a respect for arabs and the Middle East which acted as a sort of stepping stone to becoming a Muslim.

        At about 24, as a National Socialist, I started to clean myself up, I basically quit drinking (I probably got drunk 3 or so times that whole year, and totally quit weed). I became a Muslim August 11th 2015. My suicidal thoughts vanished that day, and my baseline "happiness" level is twice what it was before. To reiterate, by my conversion I had been clean of weed for almost a whole year and pretty much quit drinking. And here I am. There was sort of a "spiritual honeymoon" period that occurred after conversion that has now dissipated, so I can clearly look at the whole thing honestly, and it's something I know now is going to be a part of my life for the rest of my life.

        My entire life I have never felt like Allah (SWT)'s slave or a prisoner of the world (even though the NWO defidently makes me feel that way). I was raised basically totally neutral and I've always considered it my mission in life to weed through all this bullshit in life and figure it out all on my own, in some type of psychosis lead journey of self and world discovery. And I'm wrapping it up. I was always angry at God (before I was a Muslim) because He had never given me a good women or a good job and put me in a very rough living situation. But looking back I really honestly feel this - and I always have: That I was a good soul but just maybe "lacked street smarts" on a spiritual level - and that my journey here was custom tailored by Allah (SWT) to allow me to... experiment... to be completely honest here - and in His infinite Omnipotent wisdom, He knew that I would choose Him in the end. Completely on my own. I have. He was absolutely right. Subhanah Wa Ta'Ala.

        I look back on the entire journey (about 5 times more complex than I really put down here, but I covered the basics of the bad stuff) and it could almost bring a tear to my right eye. I literally knew the entire time this was my mission, but it was so scary, so frightening, so spiritually exhausting, but yet at the same time it was just so amazing in it's own right, and the sigh of relief phase I am going through really just puts the nail in that coffin. Many people would say that I've just rationalized a terribly lived beginning of my life, but the vibes only I truly can feel towards the entire journey leave me unable to "jot it down" like that in my own head. The only thing that kept me from suicide all those years was the really subliminal hidden feeling that no matter what - I was okay, that this was going to blow over, and that I just needed to hold on for dear life - and that's exactly what I did. I cannot tell you how many years I absolutely despise myself for my drug habits, but yet I kept doing them - it was really satanic, that's all I can really say.

        For all of you Muslims and Muslimas out there, please allow me to tell you unanimously, that curiousity is NOT more powerful than addiction. Stay away. The whispers of Shaytan may give you curiousity towards drugs and getting high. STAY AWAY! It is the exact same arrogance that prevented Iblis from prostrating that lead to me thinking I could handle drugs and the "fun" lifestyle. STAY AWAY! I am only 25 so I have the ability - with a good push Insh'Allah - to play "catch up" and get myself a good job and live a good life with a wonderful women; but I would be in infinitely better places had I been lucky enough to discover Islam earlier, but then again I always think if I had I wouldn't have taken it so seriously as I do now. TL;DR STAY AWAY FROM DRUGS!

        Now here is my sort of "problem". I don't do drugs etc because I now they are bad for me. For ME. Not even necessarily because Allah (SWT) says I shouldn't, the thing is that Salat has helped me resist drinking and whatnot, so I'm giving Him credit, just stating that it has an element of selfishness towards it, it's not entirely God focused. I've been thinking for many weeks now that the one sin I really never committed was Zinaa, and that is because I've always held sex in high regard, I was ALWAYS disgusted with the way people use each other for sexual pleasure. But I know that right now, I couldn't resist having sex with a women, because I know that if I did, I would be 100% on board to marry her. I don't fall in love easily, and I've been waiting for the right one my entire life (I had too many opportunities to be lying about this). I wouldn't abuse sex for a quick fix, but I would find myself incredibly hard pressed to resist having sex with a women I had dated for months and got to know very well.

        I know dating is haram, but as a white Muslim in the West, really now, there are no other options. I am the only muslim that I've ever known. I have no connections for an arranged marriage, which I wouldn't have too much of an issue with to be totally honest, as "alien" as that would be to a Western minded man; but yet there is that knowing how messed up Westerners are, and knowing that the person you marry is going to become the most important person in your life, I am never going to, under any circumstances, get married until I really know that person deep down; not in a sexual sense, but certainly in an emotional sense - and the only way you can learn that is through dating. Whatever can be said, I will not budge on this, and only a logical epiphany from Allah (SWT) will change my mind - and I have been asking.

        Anyways, my problem is that I don't feel guilt really. If I had sex with a women I really love, I know for a fact that I would love her and 100% would be wanting to marry her. I don't feel guilty about this. And it bothers me. I don't know if it's some sort of "soul defect" or I'm just still a mess from my past drug use... But in many ways that's entirely irrelevant. I literally am indifferent. I know I should feel guilty, but I don't, and can't muster that feeling, no matter how I "frame" it. My mind is set on the idea that "if I have sex, I mean it, 100%, and Allah (SWT) would know it, considering it is a big sin". I won't have sex with a women I wouldn't have an issue marrying the next day. That much I know for a fact. But as a MAN, it is MY JOB to handle my libido, not my future women's job to keep me in check, and it drives me up the walls. I really need to figure this out because I am very good with women, very charming, and I don't want to be that ASSHOLE that would ruin someone else because I don't have all my inner issues handled - this being the main one.

        Thanks for reading, appreciate all feedback and advice.

        LearnedSeeker
        bro InshAllah you will get lots of good advice here. Just keep us updated on your progress. InshAllah
        You made a good decision to come to us, InshAllah you will see progress, your issues are manageable :)
        Please Please Please Make Dua for these [URL="http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthread.php?455964-Plz-Make-Dua-for-these-members&p=6715010&viewfull=1#post6715010"]Click Here[/URL] JazakAllahi

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: My sinful life story that lead to conversion, with a predicament at the end

          [MENTION=99637]Gingerbeardman[/MENTION]
          "My servants, you who have transgressed against yourselves, do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Truly Allah forgives all wrong actions. He is the Ever-Forgiving, the Most Merciful." (Surat az-Zumar: 53)

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: My sinful life story that lead to conversion, with a predicament at the end

            [MENTION=131831]learnedseeker[/MENTION]

            Jazakullahu khair for sharing your story brother, it's greatly needed and I'm sure that many others on forum will benefit insha allah.
            Thee do we worship, and Thine aid we seek.

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: My sinful life story that lead to conversion, with a predicament at the end

              [MENTION=131831]learnedseeker[/MENTION]
              Thanks for sharing your story with us - it was a really good read.

              You know what? Maybe you don't need to feel guilt. They are just thoughts right? If you didn't feel guilt, remorse or regret after the actual action then we'd probably have a problem. But right now you're making up hypothetical situations in your head and trying to see whether you feel guilty about it. Maybe you're just not able to visualize it properly. Maybe the 'aftermath' of guilt is just something that you can't feel right now because you're unable to connect action to reaction in your mind.
              But the important thing is that you acknowledge that it would be a sin. And stay away from it. Simple. Stop worrying about WHY you don't feel bad about thinking about sinning.
              Would it be better if you did? Yes. But it's not totally 100% something you need as long as you still submit your will to Allah and obey Him.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: My sinful life story that lead to conversion, with a predicament at the end

                Bump

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: My sinful life story that lead to conversion, with a predicament at the end

                  Originally posted by learnedseeker View Post
                  I've been a Muslim now for a little more than 3 months now. As a person who really always believed in that there MUST BE (not "could be", MUST BE) a God and it must be Allah (SWT) and was previously a rather "messy" Christian; I have to say I have been very, very content over these past few months. Doing Salat sometimes takes a bit of a push, but I always get it done in the time allotted. I do Fajr everyday, and that's ironically the easiest one for me to do, my issue is when I am awake and busy to drop what I am doing to do Salat, but I always do, and I always mean it when I do it (in fact, I think that I delay Salat sometimes because I know my mind will be elsewhere when I pray, so I wait until my mind is more calm to do it). I am by no means a perfect Muslim, but compared to where I was previously, I actually have a serious shot at Jannah (Insh'Allah), whereas before I was hopelessly lost.

                  From the age of birth till about 11, my life was about as average as it could be. I was just your average child growing up in America. At the age of about 12, my father came out of the closet about being transgender and I then was basically raised without a father from then on out... This caused a lot of psychological problems that I had to work through and I'm not entirely finished yet with that. Since I was raised a momma's boy, I have a very acute and sensitive empathy that can be overwhleming at times - especially in a society where men are punished for not being emotionless robots - but that's a completely different subject. I had a friend whose father died, at the same age roughly as my dad changed, and he has a lot of the same psychological issues I have - but at least his mom was against drugs and "tried" to be a father for him as well... Allah (SWT) bless her for that effort - no women should have to be a mother and a father at the same time, I'm sure its absolutely spiritually exhausting. Getting back to my "dad", about a year and a half or so later he had become so emotionally abusive even my mother couldn't handle it anymore and she kicked him out after I threatened to seriously run away.

                  I initially hung out with the gamers in school, but then after playing bass guitar I befriended the musicians... And that's when it started to go downhill. By 14 I was smoking cigarettes and weed - just like my mother. I was 15 by the time I had gotten drunk the first time, I still remember the whole experience, we were in my backyard in a tent drinking. My parents grew up in the free love era, so they just treated "experimentation" as a phase. My "experimentation" also included LSD and mushrooms. The truth that I've ascertained from a lot of meditation and self reflection was that peer pressure got me involved in all those substances, but I used them as a crutch to take my mind off of the New World Order and what was really going on in the world... Its really fucked up in the West as I am sure you all know... Living in the end times was something I literally couldn't psychologically handle for most of my life. I couldn't ascertain where my place was in the world, and being raised in a rough household and the pressures of peers and society really got to me. I suffered from massive anxiety throughout those years in addition to my depression.

                  "Coming to" in the world lead me into a dark spiral of many years of which I don't really remember anything at all, I was so depressed I actually didn't even realize I was depressed. It scares me how much time I literally cannot account for. The only thing I really remember was the things I learned and the sort of "evolution" I went through. I spent almost every day from 15 to 23 smoking cigarettes, high, and sometimes drunk. I also think that subconsciously I was spiritually calling for help because I could not find the proper religion no matter how much I tried (if there is one thing I did do a lot of in that period of my life, it was reading and learning, I am really smart despite how screwed up my memory is now). Western propaganda made Islam out to be so silly I never even considered it - even though I knew next to jack squat about it. I basically just passed school, and have been working odd jobs on and off ever since.

                  At 23 I became a National Socialist. It was the way that I learned about the Zionists and the true face of the NWO - the yahuud. If your a white guy in the West, National Socialism is the only "organization" that you can join if your "yahuud aware". I didn't do it out of racism, I did it because I realized my homelands were under assault by cultural marxism and wanted to learn more and do something about it. I stayed out of trouble and learned a lot of knowledge I still put to use (I'm still an avid holocaust denier - the holocaust is the lie that allows the yahuud to psychologically control the white race so we cannot "expose" them and rebel against them - which gives them free reign to use our countries and blood to oppress the rest of the world), and really solidified my knowledge of world history. This was also a time when I really became really consciously aware of the Palestinean conflict and I think in a way that had an effect of giving me a respect for arabs and the Middle East which acted as a sort of stepping stone to becoming a Muslim.

                  At about 24, as a National Socialist, I started to clean myself up, I basically quit drinking (I probably got drunk 3 or so times that whole year, and totally quit weed). I became a Muslim August 11th 2015. My suicidal thoughts vanished that day, and my baseline "happiness" level is twice what it was before. To reiterate, by my conversion I had been clean of weed for almost a whole year and pretty much quit drinking. And here I am. There was sort of a "spiritual honeymoon" period that occurred after conversion that has now dissipated, so I can clearly look at the whole thing honestly, and it's something I know now is going to be a part of my life for the rest of my life.

                  My entire life I have never felt like Allah (SWT)'s slave or a prisoner of the world (even though the NWO defidently makes me feel that way). I was raised basically totally neutral and I've always considered it my mission in life to weed through all this bullshit in life and figure it out all on my own, in some type of psychosis lead journey of self and world discovery. And I'm wrapping it up. I was always angry at God (before I was a Muslim) because He had never given me a good women or a good job and put me in a very rough living situation. But looking back I really honestly feel this - and I always have: That I was a good soul but just maybe "lacked street smarts" on a spiritual level - and that my journey here was custom tailored by Allah (SWT) to allow me to... experiment... to be completely honest here - and in His infinite Omnipotent wisdom, He knew that I would choose Him in the end. Completely on my own. I have. He was absolutely right. Subhanah Wa Ta'Ala.

                  I look back on the entire journey (about 5 times more complex than I really put down here, but I covered the basics of the bad stuff) and it could almost bring a tear to my right eye. I literally knew the entire time this was my mission, but it was so scary, so frightening, so spiritually exhausting, but yet at the same time it was just so amazing in it's own right, and the sigh of relief phase I am going through really just puts the nail in that coffin. Many people would say that I've just rationalized a terribly lived beginning of my life, but the vibes only I truly can feel towards the entire journey leave me unable to "jot it down" like that in my own head. The only thing that kept me from suicide all those years was the really subliminal hidden feeling that no matter what - I was okay, that this was going to blow over, and that I just needed to hold on for dear life - and that's exactly what I did. I cannot tell you how many years I absolutely despise myself for my drug habits, but yet I kept doing them - it was really satanic, that's all I can really say.

                  For all of you Muslims and Muslimas out there, please allow me to tell you unanimously, that curiousity is NOT more powerful than addiction. Stay away. The whispers of Shaytan may give you curiousity towards drugs and getting high. STAY AWAY! It is the exact same arrogance that prevented Iblis from prostrating that lead to me thinking I could handle drugs and the "fun" lifestyle. STAY AWAY! I am only 25 so I have the ability - with a good push Insh'Allah - to play "catch up" and get myself a good job and live a good life with a wonderful women; but I would be in infinitely better places had I been lucky enough to discover Islam earlier, but then again I always think if I had I wouldn't have taken it so seriously as I do now. TL;DR STAY AWAY FROM DRUGS!

                  Now here is my sort of "problem". I don't do drugs etc because I now they are bad for me. For ME. Not even necessarily because Allah (SWT) says I shouldn't, the thing is that Salat has helped me resist drinking and whatnot, so I'm giving Him credit, just stating that it has an element of selfishness towards it, it's not entirely God focused. I've been thinking for many weeks now that the one sin I really never committed was Zinaa, and that is because I've always held sex in high regard, I was ALWAYS disgusted with the way people use each other for sexual pleasure. But I know that right now, I couldn't resist having sex with a women, because I know that if I did, I would be 100% on board to marry her. I don't fall in love easily, and I've been waiting for the right one my entire life (I had too many opportunities to be lying about this). I wouldn't abuse sex for a quick fix, but I would find myself incredibly hard pressed to resist having sex with a women I had dated for months and got to know very well.

                  I know dating is haram, but as a white Muslim in the West, really now, there are no other options. I am the only muslim that I've ever known. I have no connections for an arranged marriage, which I wouldn't have too much of an issue with to be totally honest, as "alien" as that would be to a Western minded man; but yet there is that knowing how messed up Westerners are, and knowing that the person you marry is going to become the most important person in your life, I am never going to, under any circumstances, get married until I really know that person deep down; not in a sexual sense, but certainly in an emotional sense - and the only way you can learn that is through dating. Whatever can be said, I will not budge on this, and only a logical epiphany from Allah (SWT) will change my mind - and I have been asking.

                  Anyways, my problem is that I don't feel guilt really. If I had sex with a women I really love, I know for a fact that I would love her and 100% would be wanting to marry her. I don't feel guilty about this. And it bothers me. I don't know if it's some sort of "soul defect" or I'm just still a mess from my past drug use... But in many ways that's entirely irrelevant. I literally am indifferent. I know I should feel guilty, but I don't, and can't muster that feeling, no matter how I "frame" it. My mind is set on the idea that "if I have sex, I mean it, 100%, and Allah (SWT) would know it, considering it is a big sin". I won't have sex with a women I wouldn't have an issue marrying the next day. That much I know for a fact. But as a MAN, it is MY JOB to handle my libido, not my future women's job to keep me in check, and it drives me up the walls. I really need to figure this out because I am very good with women, very charming, and I don't want to be that ASSHOLE that would ruin someone else because I don't have all my inner issues handled - this being the main one.

                  Thanks for reading, appreciate all feedback and advice.

                  LearnedSeeker
                  wa alaykumussalam

                  welcome to Islam. please refrain from doing haram, including what you mentioned, even if it seems okay to you. its forbidden in islam, if u refrain insha allah u will be rewarded for doing so. Also sometimes lack of knowledge can lead us to feel this way. when u took the shahada and beared witness that there is no one worthy of worship except Allah, you came into our Ummah. And in knowing that we understand Allahs infinite wisdom, even in matters of the unseen.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: My sinful life story that lead to conversion, with a predicament at the end

                    :salams

                    [MENTION=131831]learnedseeker[/MENTION]

                    Firstly, alhamdulillaah (praise and thanks be to Allāh) that you were guided to Islām and that you are practicing the religion with all keenness. May Allāh (SWT) keep you steadfast and strengthen your ēmaan.

                    You mention that you would be willing to marry the woman you become intimate with the very next day; logically, it seems you are able to marry her before the act, so why fall into a sin you are able to avoid? The Prophet (may the peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) said: “We do not think that there is anything better for those who love one another (other) than marriage.” [Classed as authentic by Sheikh Al-Albāni]

                    What you need to understand is that Allāh (SWT) is All-Knowing, The Wise; He created you, and knows you better than you know yourself. You think dating guarantees you a successful marriage? What do you say about all those 'love marriages' that ended in bitter divorce? You need to realise that Shaytaan is trying to rationalise and beautify falling in to sin for you.

                    Even if you don't understand the Laws of Allāh (SWT), your test is to put your faith in Him and submit your will completely. If you truly believe in Him, and that He is the Creator and Sustainer, then feel comfort in putting your trust in Him and allowing Him to take care of your affairs.

                    Lastly, I want to point out that Islām doesn't expect you to enter into a marriage blindly. In fact, this is cultural and has no basis in Islām. To the contrary, you are encouraged to find a compatible and suitable spouse whom you are willing to spend your life with and raise your children with. But this isn't done through dating as that is a gate to zina. Instead, you are able to meet with your prospective spouse while her wali (usually the father) is present; you can then discuss your interests, level of commitment to Islām, life goals, and so on to determine whether you are compatible.

                    Besides, it is Allāh (SWT) who places love in our hearts and controls our emotions; if you marry for His sake (a spouse who is very committed to the religion), He can put love between you and bless you with a successful marriage.

                    P.S: Akhi, you are a revert so I strongly encourage that you find a Muslim community/organisation to help you in learning and understanding the religion. Perhaps make some practicing Muslim friends (if you haven't already) that can help and encourage you as well as answer any questions you may have about Islām. I pray Allāh (SWT) helps you to overcome the whispers of Shaytaan and understand the beauty and wisdom behind the Laws He put in place for us.
                    Last edited by Ajabah; 29-11-15, 05:21 AM.
                    Let not the free disposal (and affluence) of the disbelievers throughout the land deceive you.

                    [Surah Aali-'Imraan: V. 196]

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: My sinful life story that lead to conversion, with a predicament at the end

                      Hey guys, thanks for reading, hope you gained some insight from my stumbling blocks so that you may avoid them yourselves Insh'Allah.

                      Originally posted by lahoreia View Post
                      Do lots and lots and lots of Dhikr.
                      At first, my gut reaction was that dhikr was just a "thing that muslims should do", and I realized that actually it very likely will have subliminal benefits that will long term create a shift in perspective that would help me with these interpersonal issues Insh'Allah. The real reason I posted this is because I am a very logical person, and my learning style is that subliminal things like this do not affect me like logic does, and that is partially why I posted this here, to get some sort of logical "ah ha!" towards this issue.

                      Regardless, I will continue to do dhikr, perhaps try to do it even more than I already do (I had already established in my mind that this is an area of my worship that needs improvement) and see if that helps (I'm sure it will, at worst, take the excessive burn off). Thanks!

                      Originally posted by TCKMuslima View Post
                      [MENTION=131831]learnedseeker[/MENTION]
                      Thanks for sharing your story with us - it was a really good read.

                      You know what? Maybe you don't need to feel guilt. They are just thoughts right? If you didn't feel guilt, remorse or regret after the actual action then we'd probably have a problem. But right now you're making up hypothetical situations in your head and trying to see whether you feel guilty about it. Maybe you're just not able to visualize it properly. Maybe the 'aftermath' of guilt is just something that you can't feel right now because you're unable to connect action to reaction in your mind.
                      This is more along the lines of what I was looking for. Still not there yet, but a great "hint" that's pushing me mentally more towards where I need to go to "understand" the ramifications of this improper mentality. Thanks for reading!

                      Originally posted by Creamcake View Post
                      wa alaykumussalam

                      welcome to Islam. please refrain from doing haram, including what you mentioned, even if it seems okay to you. its forbidden in islam, if u refrain insha allah u will be rewarded for doing so. Also sometimes lack of knowledge can lead us to feel this way. when u took the shahada and beared witness that there is no one worthy of worship except Allah, you came into our Ummah. And in knowing that we understand Allahs infinite wisdom, even in matters of the unseen.
                      What I bolded is what interests me. "... lack of knowledge can lead us to feel this way (not intimately understanding Allah (SWT)'s dictates for us)." That is what I am trying to get at. I am trying to really logically break down the laws so that I can swallow and digest it in a way that is "agreeable to my stomach (psyche)". You said further "... even in matters of the unseen"; yes, but I have found the more I ponder and question, the more I can learn about the unseen. These drives within me are not the "whisperings of Shaytan", they are my personal deficiencies, and by learning about their base elements, I can break them down and "stop the whispers".

                      One thing I've learned about myself is that "just doing it without understanding why" doesn't work with me. It's just not my style. Once I have a way to say "Okay, this is absolutely bad because "xyz reasons", then I can literally cross it off my list - perhaps on the spot, like many other interpersonal issues I have handled in the past. Thanks for your advice, I appreciate your insight.

                      Originally posted by Ajabah View Post
                      :salams

                      [MENTION=131831]learnedseeker[/MENTION]

                      You mention that you would be willing to marry the woman you become intimate with the very next day; logically, it seems you are able to marry her before the act, so why fall into a sin you are able to avoid? The Prophet (may the peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) said: “We do not think that there is anything better for those who love one another (other) than marriage.” [Classed as authentic by Sheikh Al-Albāni]

                      What you need to understand is that Allāh (SWT) is All-Knowing, The Wise; He created you, and knows you better than you know yourself. You think dating guarantees you a successful marriage? What do you say about all those 'love marriages' that ended in bitter divorce? You need to realise that Shaytaan is trying to rationalise and beautify falling in to sin for you.
                      Okay, here is certainly some psychological gold here. I never really thought of it this way: "... you would be willing to marry the woman you become intimate with the very next day; logically, it seems you are able to marry her before the act, so why fall into a sin you are able to avoid?"

                      This is very true, it's not THE epiphany I am looking for, but we are getting close. This is a much better way to look at it then (as you said afterwards):

                      Originally posted by Ajabah View Post

                      Even if you don't understand the Laws of Allāh (SWT), your test is to put your faith in Him and submit your will completely. If you truly believe in Him, and that He is the Creator and Sustainer, then feel comfort in putting your trust in Him and allowing Him to take care of your affairs.

                      Lastly, I want to point out that Islām doesn't expect you to enter into a marriage blindly. In fact, this is cultural and has no basis in Islām. To the contrary, you are encouraged to find a compatible and suitable spouse whom you are willing to spend your life with and raise your children with. But this isn't done through dating as that is a gate to zina. Instead, you are able to meet with your prospective spouse while her wali (usually the father) is present; you can then discuss your interests, level of commitment to Islām, life goals, and so on to determine whether you are compatible.

                      Besides, it is Allāh (SWT) who places love in our hearts and controls our emotions; if you marry for His sake (a spouse who is very committed to the religion), He can put love between you and bless you with a successful marriage.
                      This is where I have lost you entirely, and I'll explain why.

                      One thing that REALLY irks me about this wali thing (which at the same time, I totally understand, I actually have come to accept the concept of arranged marriages to a large extent - having used to consider them "suicidal") is that SEXUAL AND COMPATIBILITY INTERACTIONS BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN ARE LARGELY SUBLIMINAL. IT IS A DANCE. Sex is NOT required for this "dance" (this dance is totally psychological - sex is the "culmination of the dance"), but having a wali there prevents the dance from happening AT ALL. This dance is very much real, almost impossible to explain, but it a big part of understanding if your compatible or not. In my life experience there has been zero exceptions to this rule, which is why I cannot accept the wali concept.

                      A quick example that I can think of is when a women will throw a hissy fit, just to test to see how you (as a man) respond - this kind of thing will not happen with a wali around, so even the women will be robbed of her ability to "dance". I wonder if that is intentional, if Allah (SWT) was trying to prevent a society where men would be expected to know these sort of psychological games prior to marriage and to learn them within marriage itself, but I don't think we can really answer that kind of question (what point a man is suppose to reach within the confines of psychological maturity prior to marriage - I think that in this era, there is more pressure on men to be more matured than in previous eras).

                      I also do not accept the concept that Allah (SWT) controls my emotions. I control them, and I have spent most of my life learning this lesson. Through experience, I know this to be factual. I don't dismiss Allah (SWT)'s effect on my life, in fact, I had some major underlying issues with peer acceptance and rejection that Tawakkul "cured" in my mind through a psychological process I am still trying to break down and understand consciously, but as far as Allah (SWT) controlling my emotions, I wouldn't dare to put that burden on Him.

                      Thanks for the advice guys, a lot of good hints. I have some inner exploration to do to figure out the root of my issue here, any more advice is appreciated - all these insights have been helpful to cracking this code of mine.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: My sinful life story that lead to conversion, with a predicament at the end

                        :jkk: for sharing your story and nice to have another brother in Islam :)
                        Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: My sinful life story that lead to conversion, with a predicament at the end

                          Originally posted by learnedseeker View Post

                          I also do not accept the concept that Allah (SWT) controls my emotions. I wouldn't dare to put that burden on Him.
                          .
                          These two points really bugged me so I'm going to address them. Allah will not always 'control' your emotions. But He absolutely can. He is Muqallib al Qulub. Meaning the 'Turner of hearts"
                          It is He who puts feelings of love and mercy in our hearts. This is something that He has mentioned in the Quran. In reference to spouses and also in believers for each other.
                          So if you ask him to put certain feelings in your heart - He will if He wants.

                          As for the second thing you said I did a little mental gasp at that. How can you say that ANYTHING you could think of would be a burden on The Almighty and All- Powerful Lord? He created the heavens and the earth and and everything in between and yet you think your little emotions are going to be a burden to Him? Maybe I'm misunderstanding how you meant that but the way you phrased it sounds arrogant brother.

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                          • #14
                            Re: My sinful life story that lead to conversion, with a predicament at the end

                            Also [MENTION=131831]learnedseeker[/MENTION], I thought about it a little bit more after I'd written my first post.
                            Your question is why aren't you feeling guilty about the thought of performing a major sin, right?

                            Well I tried to logically break that down in my mind and worked backwards from the feeling of guilt. Why do we feel guilty about sinning? And I came up with something and remembered something I'd read that supported what I'd come up with.

                            Ok so we can obey rules for two reasons. One - out of fear. You know that if you break the rules you're going to have to face some pretty big consequences and so that "fear" of facing the consequences is what keeps you from committing the sin. Guilt does not play a role here.

                            But you can also obey because you love the one who made that rule. Because you love that someone so much you would do anything to please them. Their pleasure means a great deal to you and therefore you would not break their rules because you love them so much. I feel that this is where guilt comes in. You think of breaking that rule and then you think of how the one that you love so much would be so disappointed in you or displeased with you and that makes you feel ashamed and guilty for even thinking about it.

                            So with Allah you are supposed to obey His rules out of love and veneration. From love stems the hope and wanting to please. And from veneration stems the fear that we must also have for Allah. If you only have the fear you may not feel the guilt. I
                            Last edited by TCKMuslima; 29-11-15, 07:25 PM.

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                            • #15
                              Re: My sinful life story that lead to conversion, with a predicament at the end

                              That's a beautiful explanation. But I also believe that you feel guilt when you realise what you have done is wrong, regardless of whether you have failed someone you love. This is in the fitrah of all of us; which is why Qabil felt guilt when he killed his brother. If the individual (truly) convinces him/herself that what s/he did is not wrong, then they may eliminate that feeling of guilt.

                              Reading the OP's post it seems that he's justified premarital sex: "I won't have sex with a women I wouldn't have an issue marrying the next day". Perhaps it doesn't seem so wrong to him? But to be completely honest, this is just speculation; the real reason behind him not feeling guilty cannot be fully analysed and understood from a few posts online. This is more of a psychological issue, and I know I'm not qualified to delve into it.

                              [MENTION=131831]learnedseeker[/MENTION] You are looking to logically understand everything in Islām and the reasons behind what Allāh (SWT) legislates. A Muslim is someone who submits; you are a slave to Allāh (SWT) and He is not obliged to inform you of His intentions and reasonings behind what he does. We only hear and obey. This is Islām. We use our logic to understand the world around us and for it to lead us to the realisation that we (and all that surrounds us) were created by One Supreme Creator. But we can never use our logic to understand Him as He is far Superior than what our limited minds can handle.
                              Let not the free disposal (and affluence) of the disbelievers throughout the land deceive you.

                              [Surah Aali-'Imraan: V. 196]

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