I feel i am broken and cant heal ever again. Ive converted to Islam when i was 19, now im 29 and i feel i just cant do it anymore. Ive destroyed my life after a heartache 5 years ago. Ive been angry and sad ever since, now the anger and rage calms down, but my heart feels black and destroye.. I dont want to sound pathetic or overly poetic but this is how i feel, the continious pain and anger and sins that i did because of that has destroyed my soul. Im tired, absolutely exhausted about life. It all weighs so heavy; living, waking up, trying to survive. I got diagnosed with severe depression and get treatment for that, medication/therapy, but nothing seems to really help. I only want to die, im thinking of suicide too many times. Whenever i try to go back to Allaah or Islam i think about all my sins and my black heart and how hopeless it is already. I just cant get back up. I strongly feel it is too late for me, that i will go to hell... im scared, i dont get this life, its so filled with pain and so incredibly lonely. Ive no friends and i know only 1 muslim sister but she also seems to be driften away from Islam.
Now this week i am accepted for a job, and since im such a coward and have never been open about me being a muslim, i know this will lead to me missing more prayers on a constant basis. I am too scared to be honest and tell them i am muslim and need to pray. I already find this job so scary, im already socially awkward and very ugly and fat.. they would find me utterly weird if i ask for this. I just cant do it. I dont know how muslims do this, pray 5 times a day while working and having a social life. It seems impossible for me. I hardly can get out of bed. Today i only went out of bed to pray. My house is a mess. I feel sick and tired, everything is covered in darkness. How do people live, how do muslims pray 5 times and yet be so active and look normal? Whenever i do wudhu my face gets red and i look ridicilious like a wet cat. I dont know how i can ever live a normal life and pray daily outside the house. This is only one of my problem.. it just amazes me in general how people can get up every morning and clean their house and go to their jobs without bursting into tears or contemplating suicide.. HOW!? I know i did it too before, but that persons seems completly gone, vanished.
i dont know what to do. I dont know what im searching here again but im in so much despair that i just want to share it with muslims.
Now this week i am accepted for a job, and since im such a coward and have never been open about me being a muslim, i know this will lead to me missing more prayers on a constant basis. I am too scared to be honest and tell them i am muslim and need to pray. I already find this job so scary, im already socially awkward and very ugly and fat.. they would find me utterly weird if i ask for this. I just cant do it. I dont know how muslims do this, pray 5 times a day while working and having a social life. It seems impossible for me. I hardly can get out of bed. Today i only went out of bed to pray. My house is a mess. I feel sick and tired, everything is covered in darkness. How do people live, how do muslims pray 5 times and yet be so active and look normal? Whenever i do wudhu my face gets red and i look ridicilious like a wet cat. I dont know how i can ever live a normal life and pray daily outside the house. This is only one of my problem.. it just amazes me in general how people can get up every morning and clean their house and go to their jobs without bursting into tears or contemplating suicide.. HOW!? I know i did it too before, but that persons seems completly gone, vanished.
i dont know what to do. I dont know what im searching here again but im in so much despair that i just want to share it with muslims.
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