Despair

[Geduld]

I feel i am broken and cant heal ever again. Ive converted to Islam when i was 19, now im 29 and i feel i just cant do it anymore. Ive destroyed my life after a heartache 5 years ago. Ive been angry and sad ever since, now the anger and rage calms down, but my heart feels black and destroye.. I dont want to sound pathetic or overly poetic but this is how i feel, the continious pain and anger and sins that i did because of that has destroyed my soul. Im tired, absolutely exhausted about life. It all weighs so heavy; living, waking up, trying to survive. I got diagnosed with severe depression and get treatment for that, medication/therapy, but nothing seems to really help. I only want to die, im thinking of suicide too many times. Whenever i try to go back to Allaah or Islam i think about all my sins and my black heart and how hopeless it is already. I just cant get back up. I strongly feel it is too late for me, that i will go to hell... im scared, i dont get this life, its so filled with pain and so incredibly lonely. Ive no friends and i know only 1 muslim sister but she also seems to be driften away from Islam.

Now this week i am accepted for a job, and since im such a coward and have never been open about me being a muslim, i know this will lead to me missing more prayers on a constant basis. I am too scared to be honest and tell them i am muslim and need to pray. I already find this job so scary, im already socially awkward and very ugly and fat.. they would find me utterly weird if i ask for this. I just cant do it. I dont know how muslims do this, pray 5 times a day while working and having a social life. It seems impossible for me. I hardly can get out of bed. Today i only went out of bed to pray. My house is a mess. I feel sick and tired, everything is covered in darkness. How do people live, how do muslims pray 5 times and yet be so active and look normal? Whenever i do wudhu my face gets red and i look ridicilious like a wet cat. I dont know how i can ever live a normal life and pray daily outside the house. This is only one of my problem.. it just amazes me in general how people can get up every morning and clean their house and go to their jobs without bursting into tears or contemplating suicide.. HOW!? I know i did it too before, but that persons seems completly gone, vanished.

i dont know what to do. I dont know what im searching here again but im in so much despair that i just want to share it with muslims.

[shay5]

Re: Despair

Sister, you clearly are going through something...you need counselling...talking to a professional will help. .she might give you strategies to cope with the daily tasks
Do you have Muslim friends around you? Maybe somene can help you write a list of things to achieve every morning...don't over do it..so today you might just vaccum the living room...tick it off your list..maybe a stable routine might help you to keep calm..
Instead of asking for prayer time...can you not fit them in during a lunch break or cigerette break? Maybe pray in your car or find a room...I do not know what country you live in but it might not be that uncommon for someone to ask for a prayer break...maybe find a compromise with your boss...stop strssing yourself out..Allah wants us to do our best but not over burden us...take each day at a time...May Allah help you and give you the best..There is a dua for anxiety that I will link you to.
http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthrea...93#post6596393

[bintmydad]

Re: Despair

:salams

I'm sorry to hear the pain you're going through sister but just know that out of billions of people Allah has chosen to guide you to Islam. He wants good for you and He is ever aware of the sorrows in your heart. There is no miracle cure for the depression you're suffering from and you can't just wake up one day and snap yourself out of it. It's an ongoing journey and process to recovery, some days you feel like you are managing and other days you wonder how you can go on.

It doesn't matter what you've done as long as you seek forgiveness from Allah He will forgive you, even if you fall into it again, He will forgive you as long as you make sincere repentance. Never, ever let yourself believe that you are not worth the forgiveness of your Lord. He is the Most Merciful of those who show Mercy, Allah says in the quran wa khuliqa insanu daifa, mankind has been created weak. Find your strength and your solace in Allah try your best to wake up for fajr and cry your heart out for the love and forgiveness of Allah . You are not ugly no matter what you tell yourself when you look in the mirror. If Allah has deemed you worthy of His guidance then know that you have the love of The One who's love is enough.

The state of your home is a reflection of the difficulties you've been going through, but it can also cause you to feel worse about yourself and your condition. Pull yourself out of bed, take a fresh shower, clean up around the house and take an hour a day to read the Qur'an. You will find therein words that will bring comfort to you in a way that none of us here can. On your worst days have patience and on your better days thank Allah so that He increases you in goodness.

Don't worry about what people say when you ask to pray because their approval or disapproval will not shape your life in any way but The One who created you does. You're feeling anxious but I can assure you it's nothing like what you have played out in your head, most people are generally friendly and have no issues providing their staff with places to pray. If you're worried about making wudhu in public, leave your house with ablution so that you don't have to do it at work or outside.

Suicide is not the answer and Allah doesn't send you trials except that He is with You in knowledge, so call out to Him and know that reward comes with patience & a sincere dua is never rejected.

[Geduld]

Re: Despair

wa aleikum salam,

thank you sisters for listening, and replying and the advices. It helped somehow to write it down here, i m sorry that i am using this forum for that but i felt i was at the end of my rope. So thank you for listening. I know these are good advices and i realize now through your answers that it really might be just my depression speaking. Its just that it takes on so long now, and i have professional help already.. a lot in fact. But still i am so so so tired and hopeless and all i succeed on most of the days is pushing all the pain very far away and try to go through the day without thinking and feeling anything.. there are no good days anymore.. just that, ignoring everything .. and then there are the worst days like today.

but i will try to get up daily again and take care of myself and my house... its important indeed.

[bintmydad]

Re: Despair

...

[bintmydad]

Re: Despair

wa aleikum salam,

thank you sisters for listening, and replying and the advices. It helped somehow to write it down here, i m sorry that i am using this forum for that but i felt i was at the end of my rope. So thank you for listening. I know these are good advices and i realize now through your answers that it really might be just my depression speaking. Its just that it takes on so long now, and i have professional help already.. a lot in fact. But still i am so so so tired and hopeless and all i succeed on most of the days is pushing all the pain very far away and try to go through the day without thinking and feeling anything.. there are no good days anymore.. just that, ignoring everything .. and then there are the worst days like today.

but i will try to get up daily again and take care of myself and my house... its important indeed.

Come here as often as you need. We are all willing to help you as much as we are able to, sometimes it helps to talk about it.

May Allah ease for you your affairs, ameen.

[shay5]

Re: Despair

wa aleikum salam,

thank you sisters for listening, and replying and the advices. It helped somehow to write it down here, i m sorry that i am using this forum for that but i felt i was at the end of my rope. So thank you for listening. I know these are good advices and i realize now through your answers that it really might be just my depression speaking. Its just that it takes on so long now, and i have professional help already.. a lot in fact. But still i am so so so tired and hopeless and all i succeed on most of the days is pushing all the pain very far away and try to go through the day without thinking and feeling anything.. there are no good days anymore.. just that, ignoring everything .. and then there are the worst days like today.

but i will try to get up daily again and take care of myself and my house... its important indeed.

We are happy to read and listen...sister it seems like you could do with some good friends, a nice support group always helps..

[tigress777]

Despair

I'm so sorry that you're in this situation sister, may Allah make things easy for you and ease your pain.

Remember that you can definitely over come anything in your life, you can mend your heard and regain your faith. Allah swt says
Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear…” (2:286).
So any hardship that you're going through is something that you can bear and overcome.

Remember the Quran tells us
"For indeed, with hardship [will be] ease." (94:5)
So hardship will be followed by ease this Surah 94, it would be good to read in times of difficultly it reminds us that after hardship there will be ease

Also a good Surah to read would be Surat Alduha when I reflected on the meaning of this Surah I realized how it could ease the heart of someone in a difficult position.
http://quran.com/93

The prophet peace be upon him taught us a dua to relieve our burdens and sorrows so make this dua and be sure that Allah swt will answer your prayers and will relieve you of your pain and sorrow.
The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “If a person who is afflicted by anxiety or sorrow says: O Allaah, I am Your slave, son of Your slave, son of Your female slave, my forelock is in Your hand, Your command over me is forever executed and Your decree over me is just. I ask You by every name belonging to You with which You have named Yourself, or, or You have taught to any of Your creation, or You have revealed in Your Book, or You have preserved in the knowledge of the Unseen with You, that You make the Qur’aan the life of my heart and the light of my breast, and a departure for my sorrow and a release for my anxiety’, then Allaah will take away his anxiety and sorrow, and will replace it with joy.”

It was said: “O Messenger of Allaah, should we not learn it?” He said: “Yes, whoever hears it should learn it.”

This is another dua that I really like
“Rarely would the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) stand from a sitting until he supplicated with these words for his Companions: ‘O Allah, apportion for us, fear of You, that shall come between us and disobedience of You, and of obedience to You, which shall cause us to obtain Your Paradise, and of certainty, which shall make the afflictions of the world easy for us, and enjoyment of our hearing, and our seeing, and our strength as long as You keep us alive, and make it the inheritor of us. And let our vengeance be upon those who have wronged us, and aid us against those who show enmity towards us, and do not make our affliction in our religion, and do not make this world our greatest concern, nor the limit of our knowledge, and do not give power over us to those who will not have mercy on us."

When things become difficult for you remember this world is only temporary. In reality our goal should just be to live our life in order to attain jannah. If we have a goal like that it'll make our burdens lighter and give our life meaning and give us something to work towards. The previous dua includes a supplication for Allah to not make this world our most important concern. That's important because those who make the world their concern will lose in this world and the next, those who make jannah their concern will live happily in this world and the next.

If you can wake up for night prayer, it's the best way to strengthen your faith. Also don't let the shaytan trick you into believing you've done to much and sinned too much. Allah is the most forgiving and merciful, with true repentance Allah tells us he will forgive all our sins. He tells us in the Quran not to despair and to have confidence that He will forgive us:

“Say: ‘O ‘Ibaadi (My slaves) who have transgressed against themselves (by committing evil deeds and sins)! Despair not of the Mercy of Allaah, verily, Allaah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Oft‑Forgiving, Most Merciful’”
[al-Zumar 39:53]
And
"Except for those who repent, believe and do righteous work. For them Allah will replace their evil deeds with good. And ever is Allah Forgiving and Merciful" [alfurqan 25:70]

Try to surround yourself with good friends and good Muslims, if you can't find those people in real life this forum is a great place to feel connected to other Muslims. Don't allow yourself to feel alone the whole ummah are your brothers and sisters in Islam.

Sorry this is kind of long but I hope something in here Is beneficial to you. Again sorry for your pain it's so difficult to feel depressed and alhamdulilah you sought out medical treatment for your problem. May Allah make things easier for you and strengthen your faith and bring you closer to HIM.

[lanaa]

Re: Despair

as salam alaykum [MENTION=116491]Geduld[/MENTION]
what caused your depression at first ? since that 5 years what have you been trying to get out of this situation?

I suggest you to clean your home, like really, a clean home will make you feel better for sure, take a cold shower and do ghusl then go to pray and repent for all the sins you have made, ask Allah sincerely to forigive you and guide your heart, to fix things in your life, cry !

then take a book and read about Islam and listen to some lectures on youtube (maybe I can suggest you some if you want to?), read about the five piliars, read Quran and one sister mentionned surah Ad Duha, and I agree it is a very good surah when you feel bad, just read it and meditate about it. Our religion is incredible, I always say it lol but soubhan Allah we are so blessed to know this religion and have it Alhamdulillah so try to know as much as you can about it, your faith will grow In Sha Allah and feel at peace

If you feel that bad in your body, you can do some things to feel better, you can lose some weight, you can do some sports, and it is actually good for your health, cut off the bad food and drinks, have the best hygiene you can. And we have to take care of our bodies and health ! Wake up and try to get out of this depression, I know you are not feeling that good etc but if you don't take some courage and force yourself then who can do it for you? Try to change your lifestyle, concentrate on our religion, and don't worry this life is temporary, very short, so be the best muslim you can to get paradise.. and... SMILE

[Creamcake]

Re: Despair

I feel i am broken and cant heal ever again. Ive converted to Islam when i was 19, now im 29 and i feel i just cant do it anymore. Ive destroyed my life after a heartache 5 years ago. Ive been angry and sad ever since, now the anger and rage calms down, but my heart feels black and destroye.. I dont want to sound pathetic or overly poetic but this is how i feel, the continious pain and anger and sins that i did because of that has destroyed my soul. Im tired, absolutely exhausted about life. It all weighs so heavy; living, waking up, trying to survive. I got diagnosed with severe depression and get treatment for that, medication/therapy, but nothing seems to really help. I only want to die, im thinking of suicide too many times. Whenever i try to go back to Allaah or Islam i think about all my sins and my black heart and how hopeless it is already. I just cant get back up. I strongly feel it is too late for me, that i will go to hell... im scared, i dont get this life, its so filled with pain and so incredibly lonely. Ive no friends and i know only 1 muslim sister but she also seems to be driften away from Islam.

Now this week i am accepted for a job, and since im such a coward and have never been open about me being a muslim, i know this will lead to me missing more prayers on a constant basis. I am too scared to be honest and tell them i am muslim and need to pray. I already find this job so scary, im already socially awkward and very ugly and fat.. they would find me utterly weird if i ask for this. I just cant do it. I dont know how muslims do this, pray 5 times a day while working and having a social life. It seems impossible for me. I hardly can get out of bed. Today i only went out of bed to pray. My house is a mess. I feel sick and tired, everything is covered in darkness. How do people live, how do muslims pray 5 times and yet be so active and look normal? Whenever i do wudhu my face gets red and i look ridicilious like a wet cat. I dont know how i can ever live a normal life and pray daily outside the house. This is only one of my problem.. it just amazes me in general how people can get up every morning and clean their house and go to their jobs without bursting into tears or contemplating suicide.. HOW!? I know i did it too before, but that persons seems completly gone, vanished.

i dont know what to do. I dont know what im searching here again but im in so much despair that i just want to share it with muslims.

Wa Alaykumussalam
Your outlook sister, sounds like you are severely depressed. I understand that you're taking medicine for this, and therapy, just keep continuing with this professional help. I've heard that the medicine can lead to numbing feelings, but insha ' allah continuing therapy, in the long term, will help. Also, make Du'aa to Allah s.w.t to cure you, continually ask and cry for this, sis, keep asking, and insha ' allah it will be granted. The reason that you cant comprehend how people are able to do this, is because of what you are currently experiencing. Keep making Du'aa and seeking help.

Try to get over the heartache, remember that this life is only temporary. We are all given trials, but not more than we can bear. Which means that you can get past this sister, insha ' allah. Don't think about suicide, its a sin, plus its just wrong, the fact your contemplating this, just shows that your frame of mind is different atm sis. Also, regarding sins, keep asking for forgiveness and making changes, remember that Allah s.w.t is very forgiving and merciful.

I think it would be a good idea to get a support network around you. Are you in contact with your family? You said you only have one Muslim friend, do you go to the mosque or any sisters circles? There might be meetings for reverts in your city/area, so google this too. Regarding the prayers sister, remember that we are only created to worship Allah s.w.t, so insha ' allah try your best to start praying 5 times a day. Tell them, it might not be easy, but its important. The thing is, praying will help you again, once you start to let go of islam, missing prayers etc, other aspects of life become problematic too. So re prioritise sis, n start praying 5 times a day.

You are not ugly or fat, you are beautiful, how we have all been created. It is easy to let go of yourself, when you are depressed. Also, in regards to losing weight, i need to do the same too, visit the doc about this, they can help, n have u thought about eating healthier n joining a ladies only gym? Again, the reason that you're feeing unable to cope, your house has changed etc, is because of the severe depression that you're battling. I want you to know that we are all here for you sis. That you should carry on therapy. Make lots of Du'aa. Try to never miss a prayer. And refocus Islam in your life. Try to make Muslim friends too. i know it can be hard, but all of us sisters online, are friends to you, and you can talk to us about anything.