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Family Problems - Please Advise

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  • HealerofWorlds
    replied
    Re: Family Problems - Please Advise

    Originally posted by Luces View Post
    I used to go to university but at the moment I am in a temporary minimum wage job. My parents would not have allowed me to live in halls, partly because they believe it's not allowed in Islam and also because culturally it's unheard of for "good" single girls to live alone. Girls normally live with their parents until they are married.
    I don't feel suspicious towards the guy my Dad chose. He was probably a decent guy (no need to assume otherwise), he was just caught in the middle of the situation.
    Well, I'm assuming you'll have to marry unless your parents are kind enough to not force you or are nice enough to let you stay. Though marriage is your decision. If I didn't want to marry, I wouldn't let anyone force me, but that's just me.

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  • Kya
    replied
    Re: Family Problems - Please Advise

    I read some of what you wrote and the main point I got is "instinctive".

    Instinct is not very strong & is not the best guidance. How many times has your instinct been correct & how many times it was false alert. This is why people use logical thinking instead of gut feeling. Of course gut feeling has space in our life but it shouldn't be dominating factor. It sounds like you are still exploring yourself & after one event of un-attraction to a guy or disinterest in marriage or realization of life post-parents.. you have jump to the conclusion that you are queer instead of exploring all the avenue that could have lead you to be against this marriage.

    To me it sounds like you are not ready for marriage (especially based on amount of fear you have for parents, you are 23, you are an adult not hiding/being fearful of parents). You have lot of things do deal with and it is perfectly acceptable to not be ready for marriage. That happens to lot of people & its ok to take your time or ok to never want to get married. But I find your conclusion after 1 proposal to be inadequate & liking marriage to food is not the best analogue. Even if a food made me gag I would give it a try with different spice because the way a food is cooked can change everything.

    anways good luck

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  • Luces
    replied
    Re: Family Problems - Please Advise

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    Last edited by Luces; 19-05-15, 08:53 AM.

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  • Kya
    replied
    Re: Family Problems - Please Advise

    Originally posted by Luces View Post
    Wa alaikum assalaam
    Thank you for your replies.

    I don't want to get married because I am queer. I am not attracted to any men and I personally find the idea of intimacy between a man and woman repulsive. On the first day when I heard about the proposal I had a year ago, I went to the bathroom and threw up. I would rather just stay at home than get married.
    I don't think I could raise a child either. I am so self-absorbed, I think I would be an awful parent and a kid deserves better.
    Sister, did you read your post. I have to give you credit for putting up with your dad bullsh1t all these years but also huge credit for going to councilor even thought you couldn't explain everything. I would suggest you to visit because reading your post makes me wonder

    1) are you attracted to women or do you find men so repulsive that leads you to find women as a better alternative?

    What I mean is, due to your history & your dad's behavior, it is very common for you to not trust guy, not like them, not want to get married, recreate a culture/family similar to your parents & put up with even more sh1t now from a different guy instead of your dad. Our family shape our outlook in life & being exposed to abuse & bad relationship leads us to believer all future relationships are doom (as shown by your comment above that you don't feel you will be good parents). You are taking chapters from your parents. Deep embedded scare like yours need lot of therapy but I am pretty sure your likeness to female is result of your hater/fear toward man. You need to overcome years of abuse to set yourself free

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  • Luces
    replied
    Re: Family Problems - Please Advise

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    Last edited by Luces; 19-05-15, 08:53 AM.

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  • Fragile
    replied
    Re: Family Problems - Please Advise

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  • TurningTables
    replied
    Re: Family Problems - Please Advise

    Do not contemplate suicide, it's not the answer and is a sure way of going to hell. How is your ibadah, don't answer these questions I just want you to ponder over them, do you pray regularly, read the Quran and do dhikr often? If not you should, get closer to Allah, call onto him and ask for a solution.

    Please don't ever take medications that aren't prescribed to you, proper assessment has to be made prior and dosing adjustments, especially for quetiapine. Since you've quit cold turkey I hope your withdrawals aren't brutal.

    May Allah ease your burden, I'll keep you in my duas sister.

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  • Luces
    replied
    Re: Family Problems - Please Advise

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    Last edited by Luces; 19-05-15, 08:53 AM.

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  • Muslim1415
    replied
    Re: Family Problems - Please Advise

    Originally posted by Luces View Post
    That's correct
    Are you trolling? say Walahi this is true

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  • Luces
    replied
    Re: Family Problems - Please Advise

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    Last edited by Luces; 19-05-15, 08:52 AM.

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  • Sky Lark
    replied
    Re: Family Problems - Please Advise

    Im so sorry what happened to you as a child, what difficulty you went through, with no adult shielding you from the abuse you had to face, whether mental or physical.

    Your life experience has definitely tainted your perception of having a normal married life, so you find it really awkward; but Im confident that you can still find happiness you'r still very young. Speaking about what happened in the past as you have in your first post, is the first step towards inner healing.

    Im glad you stopped those strong medications which can cause havoc to your health.

    Leave a comment:


  • Muslim1415
    replied
    Re: Family Problems - Please Advise

    Originally posted by Luces View Post
    Wa alaikum assalaam
    Thank you for your replies.

    I don't want to get married because I am queer. I am not attracted to any men and I personally find the idea of intimacy between a man and woman repulsive. On the first day when I heard about the proposal I had a year ago, I went to the bathroom and threw up. I would rather just stay at home than get married.
    I don't think I could raise a child either. I am so self-absorbed, I think I would be an awful parent and a kid deserves better.
    Are you only attracted to women?

    Leave a comment:


  • HealerofWorlds
    replied
    Re: Family Problems - Please Advise

    That's awful. I hope things get better for you. Does your mother not speak up against what your dad does?

    And what do you do? Do you go to university? If I had such a life at home, I'd much rather live in student accommodation.

    About marriage, you don't have to marry if you don't want to. I don't want this to sound wrong but if I had a father like that, I would be kind of suspicious about his choice of guys for marriage. Perhaps you understand why.

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  • Luces
    replied
    Re: Family Problems - Please Advise

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    Last edited by Luces; 19-05-15, 08:52 AM.

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  • Serinity
    replied
    Re: Family Problems - Please Advise

    The one thing you definitely can't do is suicide, you'll end up in Hellfire anyway through suicide.

    Firstly do you pray? If no then start doing so, if yes then keep praying. Try to make an effort in bettering your situation, do your best, make dua, and in sha Allah things will work out.

    Leave a comment:

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