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Family Problems - Please Advise

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  • #16
    Re: Family Problems - Please Advise

    I love you, cherish you and worship you,
    Guide me on your path to your janna,
    Unite me beside you My King and all mighty,


    :love:Allah:love:

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    • #17
      Re: Family Problems - Please Advise

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      Last edited by Luces; 19-05-15, 08:53 AM.

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      • #18
        Re: Family Problems - Please Advise

        Originally posted by Luces View Post
        Wa alaikum assalaam
        Thank you for your replies.

        I don't want to get married because I am queer. I am not attracted to any men and I personally find the idea of intimacy between a man and woman repulsive. On the first day when I heard about the proposal I had a year ago, I went to the bathroom and threw up. I would rather just stay at home than get married.
        I don't think I could raise a child either. I am so self-absorbed, I think I would be an awful parent and a kid deserves better.
        Sister, did you read your post. I have to give you credit for putting up with your dad bullsh1t all these years but also huge credit for going to councilor even thought you couldn't explain everything. I would suggest you to visit because reading your post makes me wonder

        1) are you attracted to women or do you find men so repulsive that leads you to find women as a better alternative?

        What I mean is, due to your history & your dad's behavior, it is very common for you to not trust guy, not like them, not want to get married, recreate a culture/family similar to your parents & put up with even more sh1t now from a different guy instead of your dad. Our family shape our outlook in life & being exposed to abuse & bad relationship leads us to believer all future relationships are doom (as shown by your comment above that you don't feel you will be good parents). You are taking chapters from your parents. Deep embedded scare like yours need lot of therapy but I am pretty sure your likeness to female is result of your hater/fear toward man. You need to overcome years of abuse to set yourself free

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        • #19
          Re: Family Problems - Please Advise

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          Last edited by Luces; 19-05-15, 08:53 AM.

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          • #20
            Re: Family Problems - Please Advise

            I read some of what you wrote and the main point I got is "instinctive".

            Instinct is not very strong & is not the best guidance. How many times has your instinct been correct & how many times it was false alert. This is why people use logical thinking instead of gut feeling. Of course gut feeling has space in our life but it shouldn't be dominating factor. It sounds like you are still exploring yourself & after one event of un-attraction to a guy or disinterest in marriage or realization of life post-parents.. you have jump to the conclusion that you are queer instead of exploring all the avenue that could have lead you to be against this marriage.

            To me it sounds like you are not ready for marriage (especially based on amount of fear you have for parents, you are 23, you are an adult not hiding/being fearful of parents). You have lot of things do deal with and it is perfectly acceptable to not be ready for marriage. That happens to lot of people & its ok to take your time or ok to never want to get married. But I find your conclusion after 1 proposal to be inadequate & liking marriage to food is not the best analogue. Even if a food made me gag I would give it a try with different spice because the way a food is cooked can change everything.

            anways good luck

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            • #21
              Re: Family Problems - Please Advise

              Originally posted by Luces View Post
              I used to go to university but at the moment I am in a temporary minimum wage job. My parents would not have allowed me to live in halls, partly because they believe it's not allowed in Islam and also because culturally it's unheard of for "good" single girls to live alone. Girls normally live with their parents until they are married.
              I don't feel suspicious towards the guy my Dad chose. He was probably a decent guy (no need to assume otherwise), he was just caught in the middle of the situation.
              Well, I'm assuming you'll have to marry unless your parents are kind enough to not force you or are nice enough to let you stay. Though marriage is your decision. If I didn't want to marry, I wouldn't let anyone force me, but that's just me.
              "East, west, south, or north makes little difference. No matter what your destination, just be sure to make every journey a journey within. If you travel within, you’ll travel the whole wide world and beyond." - Rule 9. - The Forty Rules of Love.

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