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Advice for a brother from sisters (who are mothers)

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  • Advice for a brother from sisters (who are mothers)

    Salam o Alaikum wrwb brothers and sisters

    Bet you are confused after reading the title, inshaAllah I will explain below.

    My wife is 35 weeks pregnant. We live in the UK with both our families back home (south Asia). Her sister and a brother lives in UK but about 2 hours away from us. Early on in the pregnancy she wanted me to call her mother from back home to assist her during pregnancy. I was and still am against it. There are various reason why I was not keen on that, mainly: I like privacy and wanted to see how good a husband I can be during and post birth. Also I wanted to enjoy this important time in our lives as I believe it would bring us 2 even closer (as this is our first child). Less important reason is that my mother in law lost her respect in my eyes sometime ago (at least in my heart).

    Looking back, I would like to think I have and still am doing as good a job as I can of support her where I can. But now she is feeling it. She gets very tired and when she does, she gets depressed that there is no one to help her. She blames me that I didn't get her help (i.e. mother) not in argumentative manner though but she does say it. I have told her not to cook/clean etc. and leave these duties to me but she feels compelled to do it.

    What I want to ask sisters is that what can I do to make it easy for her. I really understand that pregnancy can be hard but at the same time I know people (friends and family) who didn't have anyone in the UK went through it themselves and have not regretted it, they did just fine. That said, equally, for those whose parents are closer such as some of my wife's friends (Sisters who are British born and bred) , the pregnancy time (at least for them) have been easy as you don't have to worry about routine jobs.

    I just feel that pregnancy is a natural thing, going through it makes what a mother is. By relying on others (even your mother or sister) may benefit you in some way but I believe you lose more. Husband and wife should go through it together (pain and joys of pregnancy and birth) and there should be no one else to share.

    Please tell me if I am right or wrong in thinking this way brother and sisters?

  • #2
    Re: Advice for a brother from sisters (who are mothers)

    I think you are wrong for keeping her mother away because there is so much support that a new mother can benefit from when she has just given birth

    You may be there to support her but what do you know about th me bodily changes that occur when a woman gives birth. When I had my forst child none of my intense reading could prepare me for what to expect, the changes in your physical self? The tiredness, the loss of routine

    I would say more but I think my doner kebab is ready so

    I will post on this later on

    __________________________________________________ _____________________________



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    • #3
      Re: Advice for a brother from sisters (who are mothers)

      I also live abroad from my family.

      My husband called over my mother for the three week around the time of my labour for my first born.

      My husband is hands on guy. He insisted that I also don't cook and clean during my pregnancy if I don't feel up to it. He also stayed up at nights with me regardless of whether I was vomiting or just had heart burn.

      Alhumdulillah, my births were natural and my pregnancies were easy.

      However, I will still say, I couldn't have coped without my mother.

      It doesn't matter how fantastic you are as a husband. When a woman (or anyone is pain) they need their mother.

      Only another woman can understand labour, soreness, stitches, contractions, breastfeeding issues and possible post natal depression.

      I couldn't fault my husband in his care. However, fact remains after a few days, he had to return to work.

      There's only so much a working man can do, when he has his wife to look after, a demanding new born and domestic responsibilities.

      It's overwhelming.

      Trust me, when your baby is born, it's not only your wife that would appreciate it, but you would appreciate the help too.
      https://sufisticated101.wordpress.com

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      • #4
        Re: Advice for a brother from sisters (who are mothers)

        Originally posted by Muslima London View Post
        I think you are wrong for keeping her mother away because there is so much support that a new mother can benefit from when she has just given birth

        You may be there to support her but what do you know about th me bodily changes that occur when a woman gives birth. When I had my forst child none of my intense reading could prepare me for what to expect, the changes in your physical self? The tiredness, the loss of routine

        I would say more but I think my doner kebab is ready so

        I will post on this later on
        Did someone say kebob?

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Advice for a brother from sisters (who are mothers)

          Originally posted by trying_hard View Post
          Salam o Alaikum wrwb brothers and sisters

          Bet you are confused after reading the title, inshaAllah I will explain below.

          My wife is 35 weeks pregnant. We live in the UK with both our families back home (south Asia). Her sister and a brother lives in UK but about 2 hours away from us. Early on in the pregnancy she wanted me to call her mother from back home to assist her during pregnancy. I was and still am against it. There are various reason why I was not keen on that, mainly: I like privacy and wanted to see how good a husband I can be during and post birth. Also I wanted to enjoy this important time in our lives as I believe it would bring us 2 even closer (as this is our first child). Less important reason is that my mother in law lost her respect in my eyes sometime ago (at least in my heart).

          Looking back, I would like to think I have and still am doing as good a job as I can of support her where I can. But now she is feeling it. She gets very tired and when she does, she gets depressed that there is no one to help her. She blames me that I didn't get her help (i.e. mother) not in argumentative manner though but she does say it. I have told her not to cook/clean etc. and leave these duties to me but she feels compelled to do it.

          What I want to ask sisters is that what can I do to make it easy for her. I really understand that pregnancy can be hard but at the same time I know people (friends and family) who didn't have anyone in the UK went through it themselves and have not regretted it, they did just fine. That said, equally, for those whose parents are closer such as some of my wife's friends (Sisters who are British born and bred) , the pregnancy time (at least for them) have been easy as you don't have to worry about routine jobs.

          I just feel that pregnancy is a natural thing, going through it makes what a mother is. By relying on others (even your mother or sister) may benefit you in some way but I believe you lose more. Husband and wife should go through it together (pain and joys of pregnancy and birth) and there should be no one else to share.

          Please tell me if I am right or wrong in thinking this way brother and sisters?
          She needs her mother. Give her what she wants.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Advice for a brother from sisters (who are mothers)

            :wswrwb:

            I understand I'm not a sister and mother bbbuuuuuutttttt...

            For what it's worth if your wife is asking for her mum then you should be doing all you can to make that happen. Your wife will be going through a ridiculous amount of pain/emotion/stress over the next few months that it really is not asking for much when she says she wants her mum.

            You won't be missing out on anything and the things you will you will be glad you are!

            Your relationship with your MIL should not play a part in your decision unless things are horrendously problematic. Some things are just too important.

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            • #7
              Re: Advice for a brother from sisters (who are mothers)

              You should let her have her mum with her. Having a baby is a blessing but don't underestimate how difficult it will be. Especially for your wife who will be dealing with her own pain from the birth (includes stitches, soreness, maybe even pnd) so having her mum around will help her both physically and emotionally.

              It's great you want to be involved too and help your wife and the baby but her mum will know what she's going through more than anyone.
              "Think for yourselves and let others enjoy the privilege to do so too" Essay on Tolerance, Voltaire

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              • #8
                Re: Advice for a brother from sisters (who are mothers)

                Originally posted by zi-zizou View Post
                :wswrwb:

                Your relationship with your MIL should not play a part in your decision unless things are horrendously problematic. Some things are just too important.
                Brother, are you married? What if you feared that your MIL creates fitnah between you 2. I know sounds unreal but it happens and has happened. If I fear that with her MIL being around (not just at time of pregnancy or birth but normal times too) will cause rift between me and wife then am I not right in trying to keep that fitnah away?

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Advice for a brother from sisters (who are mothers)

                  Originally posted by trying_hard View Post
                  Brother, are you married? What if you feared that your MIL creates fitnah between you 2. I know sounds unreal but it happens and has happened. If I fear that with her MIL being around (not just at time of pregnancy or birth but normal times too) will cause rift between me and wife then am I not right in trying to keep that fitnah away?
                  I am married. You need to have more faith in your relationship with your wife. Of course problems could be caused but you don't really know this. You need to balance this with what problems will be caused if you continue the stance you have. If your MIL wants to cause problems she can also use this stance of yours against you.

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                  • #10
                    Re: Advice for a brother from sisters (who are mothers)

                    What can you do to help? Allow her mother to be there to help out at a very important stage of her daughters life. Seriously.
                    https://www.instagram.com/muslimahdelights/

                    http://muslimahdelights.blogspot.co.uk/

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                    • #11
                      Re: Advice for a brother from sisters (who are mothers)

                      Originally posted by trying_hard View Post
                      Brother, are you married? What if you feared that your MIL creates fitnah between you 2. I know sounds unreal but it happens and has happened. If I fear that with her MIL being around (not just at time of pregnancy or birth but normal times too) will cause rift between me and wife then am I not right in trying to keep that fitnah away?
                      I understand why you'd be hesitant but you could always ask her to leave if she does cause problems. For now, I think you should let her be with her mom. She is the one who birthed her after all. It seems selfish for you to keep your pregnant wife away from the comfort of her mother because of your dislike for her.

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                      • #12
                        Re: Advice for a brother from sisters (who are mothers)

                        Originally posted by circ View Post
                        I understand why you'd be hesitant but you could always ask her to leave if she does cause problems. For now, I think you should let her be with her mom. She is the one who birthed her after all. It seems selfish for you to keep your pregnant wife away from the comfort of her mother because of your dislike for her.
                        The reason for me not calling her mother is not because of my dislike for her (read my first post please). If I wanted, I could have called my mother instead. But the reason I didn't want any help is for us two to go through this together.

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                        • #13
                          Re: Advice for a brother from sisters (who are mothers)

                          Originally posted by trying_hard View Post
                          The reason for me not calling her mother is not because of my dislike for her (read my first post please). If I wanted, I could have called my mother instead. But the reason I didn't want any help is for us two to go through this together.
                          So how much time off work will you be getting?
                          https://sufisticated101.wordpress.com

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                          • #14
                            Re: Advice for a brother from sisters (who are mothers)

                            Originally posted by LondonGal View Post
                            So how much time off work will you be getting?
                            2 weeks paternity and 2 week annual leave. 4 weeks in total.

                            I can even have more as I have saved my leave up for the time after birth. I get 5 weeks paid leave.
                            Last edited by trying_hard; 14-05-15, 03:47 PM.

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                            • #15
                              Re: Advice for a brother from sisters (who are mothers)

                              Originally posted by trying_hard View Post
                              The reason for me not calling her mother is not because of my dislike for her (read my first post please). If I wanted, I could have called my mother instead. But the reason I didn't want any help is for us two to go through this together.
                              But that is clearly not what your wife wants. Should you not consider her needs since she is carrying your child?

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