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  • Making excuses/Defending someone

    As salaam alaykum,

    As many of you know I'm divorced, and the last 6 months have been quite rough for me. I have started go out and meeting friends.
    The conversation comes up about my divorce and him, all I seem to be doing is justifying why he left and defending him. I don't like it when people blame him for leaving me...In my heart I know he deserves more and someone who would bring sakina in his life.

    I know things didn't go well for us and in hindsight I should have agreed to what he wanted; but I was too selfish to.

    people do ask me why I make excuses and defend him all the time..do you think I should just stop..
    No Longer On UF

  • #2
    Re: Making excuses/Defending someone

    Yes.
    O people who take pleasure in a life that will vanish, falling in love with a fading shadow is sheer stupidity~ Ibn Qayyim Al-Jawziyya

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Making excuses/Defending someone

      Waalaikumsallam warahmatullah, - why don't you tell them you don't want to talk about it? and change the subject. Its none of their business.
      17-07

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      • #4
        Re: Making excuses/Defending someone

        :wswrwb:

        You can politely tell them it's not of their concern. It's good that you don't disclose your ex husband's flaws and mistakes. Allah will have mercy on you for covering up for him.

        If they keep asking after you've told them not to then stop talking to them because that's just engaging in vain talk.
        [SIZE=4][COLOR="#FF0000"][FONT=Book Antiqua][CENTER][B][URL="http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthread.php?459504-Immensely-rewarding-dhikr!!!&highlight="]IMMENSELY REWARDING DHIKR!!![/URL][/B][/CENTER][/FONT][/COLOR][/SIZE]

        [FONT=Book Antiqua][SIZE=4][COLOR="#2F4F4F"][CENTER]Before you post, think..."Will this help me when I stand before Allah?" If it doesn't, then you're wasting time....[/CENTER][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

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        • #5
          Re: Making excuses/Defending someone

          Originally posted by WhatSheSaid View Post
          Waalaikumsallam warahmatullah, - why don't you tell them you don't want to talk about it? and change the subject. Its none of their business.
          what she said ^

          you dont have to explain yourself to anyone, its a very private and painful matter, if you want to talk to people you trust to help you deal with your emotions and seek good advice, thats one thing but otherwise, just tell them you dont want to talk about it.
          "O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do." [An-Nisa 4:135]

          The Prophet :saw: said:

          "Whosoever leaves off obedience and separates from the Jamaa'ah and dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah. Whoever fights under the banner of the blind, becoming angry for 'asabiyyah (nationalism/tribalism/partisanship) or calling to 'asabiyyah, or assisting 'asabiyyah, then dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah."

          muslim

          Narrated 'Abdullah:

          The Prophet, said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)." sahih bukhari


          "Creeping upon you is the diseases of those people before you: envy and hatred. And hatred is the thing that shaves. I do not say it shaves the hair but it shaves the religion!

          By the One in whose Hand is my soul, you will not enter paradise until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another. Certainly, let me inform you of that which may establish such things: spread the greetings and peace among yourselves."

          [Recorded by Imam Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi]

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          • #6
            Re: Making excuses/Defending someone

            Just say you rather not talk about it.
            It is not their concern. As long as you are happy that is all that matters.
            "Try to distance yourself from everything that causes you worry and sadness, so that you may always live with peace of mind and an open and tranquil heart, seeking Allah and His worship and working on your worldly and otherworldly matters, for if you try this, you will find rest.

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            • #7
              Re: Making excuses/Defending someone

              why do people constantly feel the need to justify themselves?

              the next time someone asks you why you divorced. tell them to mind their own business

              so what if they go away making their own assumptions, let them think what they want to of you. i usually find that even trying to justify yourself very rarely makes a difference, people usually make up their mind about you straightaway. 'shes divorced? she probably did this or that...' etc and when they ask you why its just because they want something to gossip about.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Making excuses/Defending someone

                :wswrwb:

                Sister you don't have to explain yourself to anyone :love: some people may be asking because they care about you and maybe they think you would want them to ask- some may just be nosey. You will know which of your friends you feel comfortable elaborating with and those you don't and even generally if you don't want to go deep into explaining you don't even have to and shouldn't need to. It's your business and no one else's. I can probably assume though that it's cos you want to explain that it wasn't that your husband was a bad man etc- just that it sadly didn't work out for you guys but really you don't need to explain. Just say it was Qadr if Allah and He knows best.
                *~* Learn Patience from Aasiyah (RA); Loyalty from Khadhija (RA); Sincerity from Aisha (RA) and Steadfastness from Fatima (RA).*~*

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Making excuses/Defending someone

                  I think the only thing that gets to me - is that people say horrible stuff about him.
                  I think diverting the conversation or ignoring it is my only option
                  No Longer On UF

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Making excuses/Defending someone

                    :wswrwb:

                    :love: You are in my duas sis!!

                    My ex husband hurt me in a way that I couldn't even imagine. But for a long time I couldn't deal with people saying bad things about him and get upset, until I accepted the reality of how things were . I think its a woman thing, esp a wifey.

                    Insha'Allah in our future marriage, this quality will be one that's positive for us and our husbands!

                    No one is all good or all bad....we just make mistakes and behave in a way that others don't always understand. Others must accept that......if they don't, its their issue and not up to you to explain! Ive found the best people in my life never asked for a explanation

                    Ukthi, you have to understand that the will oh Allah swt has prevailed in this and accept his Qadr. You may have been the best wife, and him the best husband, but Allah swt desired otherwise for you.

                    You don't need to explain yourself to anyone, except that it was part of the Divine Decree that things didn't work out and that you are alhumdollilah content with it

                    You don't need to make excuses for your divorce, I most certainly don't. Sister, you must understand that you are in control of you emotional wellbeing and you have to be responsible for this.

                    Be strong and try to see past your divorce. Don't let it consume you and learn to stand up on your own two feet and everything believe in.

                    Insha'Alalh you will be okay :love:

                    No excuses, for him, for you, for divorce, for life!!!
                    Last edited by Jenicca; 18-08-14, 11:49 AM.
                    وَالْعَصْرِ

                    إِنَّ الْإِنسَانَ لَفِي خُسْرٍ

                    إِلَّا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا وَعَمِلُوا الصَّالِحَاتِ وَتَوَاصَوْا بِالْحَقِّ وَتَوَاصَوْا بِالصَّبْرِ


                    "Yeh dunya daar e faani hain, Tum apna dil mat lagaon, Ganimat samaj zinadagee ki bahar, aana na hoga, yahaa baar baar......"

                    Khanqah Habibiyah

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Making excuses/Defending someone

                      Originally posted by sister_82 View Post
                      As salaam alaykum,

                      As many of you know I'm divorced, and the last 6 months have been quite rough for me. I have started go out and meeting friends.
                      The conversation comes up about my divorce and him, all I seem to be doing is justifying why he left and defending him. I don't like it when people blame him for leaving me...In my heart I know he deserves more and someone who would bring sakina in his life.

                      I know things didn't go well for us and in hindsight I should have agreed to what he wanted; but I was too selfish to.

                      people do ask me why I make excuses and defend him all the time..do you think I should just stop..
                      Wa Aalaikum Assalam

                      I do not know your situation ukhti, but if you wish to not speak about it then don't.

                      However, if people are slandering him then you should speak up and defend him. Part of Islam is to defend the honor of your brother/sister behind their back.

                      “Whoever defends the honor of his brother, then Allah will protect his face from the Hellfire on the Day of Resurrection.” [At-Tirmidhi]

                      You know better than anyone else here what happened between the two of you. If he was good to you and it just didn't work out, or you both made mistakes, do not let people speak bad of him and inshAllah Allah will reward you for what you say. And I know it is probably even harder considering its someone who were married to, but the reward is even greater this way!
                      If you have any questions feel free to PM me!

                      Humililty, Sincerity, and the quest for Truth. There is no purpose in life but to seek the pleasure of Allah.
                      There is a possibility a female might use this account to read something!

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Making excuses/Defending someone

                        Originally posted by sister_82 View Post
                        I think the only thing that gets to me - is that people say horrible stuff about him.
                        I think diverting the conversation or ignoring it is my only option
                        People will say horrible things about him whether you justify things to them or not, because people love to gossip. Might as well save your energy.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Making excuses/Defending someone

                          Originally posted by sister_82 View Post
                          I think the only thing that gets to me - is that people say horrible stuff about him.
                          I think diverting the conversation or ignoring it is my only option
                          Isn't backbiting haram? Your ex-husband isn't your mahram anymore, doesn't that also mean he's none of your business? Why not just tell people you don't want to backbite, so you don't want to talk about him - ever.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: Making excuses/Defending someone

                            Yes I realise he's none of my business anymore, but I don't think it's fair on him that people might get a bad image of him. End of the day he needs to get married again and wouldn't want others bad opinions ruin things.
                            No Longer On UF

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: Making excuses/Defending someone

                              Originally posted by sister_82 View Post
                              Yes I realise he's none of my business anymore, but I don't think it's fair on him that people might get a bad image of him. End of the day he needs to get married again and wouldn't want others bad opinions ruin things.
                              Sister, I think you're very clean and kind hearted to be protecting his image, and worried about his reputation. That is a good thing, alhumdulilah, that you give consideration to these things.

                              If someone tries to draw you into speaking bad about him, just say something good instead and then explain that you do not wish to discuss this further as its an episode of your life which is now closed. Ask them not to raise this topic wih you again, politely but firmly.

                              Comment

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