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  • neelu
    replied
    Re: seeking attention

    I think you are right. I also think my heart and my head really aren't in sync when it comes to such matters. The number of times I've invested my energies, emotions and efforts towards people who really weren't worthy of it you'd think I'd have learned my lesson by now- but I guess sometimes I still take that risk cos' I still hold out hope that maybe, just maybe this time it'll be different. Maybe this time it'll be worth it.

    Leave a comment:


  • Sirius
    replied
    Re: seeking attention

    Originally posted by neelu View Post
    I think wanting attention is perfectly normal, especially from people you're close to or care about. It shouldn't seem like something creepy or stalkerish or weird to feel a need for that on a simple basic level (unless obviously it's taken too far to the point of wanting attention all the time or something unreasonable like that).

    I don't know how far to go in reaching out myself- it's something I'm still trying to figure out. As for what sort of attention/companionship/friendship I wanted from this person; all I can say is that I know a lot of people and I get on with a lot of people as acquaintances but there are extremely few people that I can call proper friends, that I can call at the drop of a hat if I'm distressed or simply need to talk or to confide in without being betrayed or let down somehow. I think what I'm seeking here is far too much and I should learn to settle for less than that, especially in this particular case. I need to maintain more realistic expectations.
    Is it unfair to suggest that you shouldn't invest much energy into individuals you feel this way about? doesn't make them bad necessarily but just unsuitable for what you looking for. the friends you describe exist, i imagine, but they're just harder to find.

    Leave a comment:


  • neelu
    replied
    Re: seeking attention

    I think wanting attention is perfectly normal, especially from people you're close to or care about. It shouldn't seem like something creepy or stalkerish or weird to feel a need for that on a simple basic level (unless obviously it's taken too far to the point of wanting attention all the time or something unreasonable like that).

    I don't know how far to go in reaching out myself- it's something I'm still trying to figure out. As for what sort of attention/companionship/friendship I wanted from this person; all I can say is that I know a lot of people and I get on with a lot of people as acquaintances but there are extremely few people that I can call proper friends, that I can call at the drop of a hat if I'm distressed or simply need to talk or to confide in without being betrayed or let down somehow. I think what I'm seeking here is far too much and I should learn to settle for less than that, especially in this particular case. I need to maintain more realistic expectations.

    Leave a comment:


  • Sirius
    replied
    Re: seeking attention

    Originally posted by neelu View Post
    yes context is important here. I'm wondering what is causing you to think that you're not getting enough attention as it is and whether you're being oversensitive about it or whether you have a genuine grievance cos' you have good reason to believe that you just get ignored all the time by the vast majority of people you care about and that really isn't okay (in my case I fit in the latter category). Then if you point it out you worry if people will think you're being irrational for wanting attention at all.

    I've been dwelling on this a lot recently, wondering what lengths I should go to (nothing drastic, just stuff like sending the odd email or text to catch up with people) cos' over the years I became very withdrawn myself- I think it was the fear of rejection that if I reach out to someone and admit to how bad the problem is and if the person runs a mile in the opposite direction then I wouldn't be able to cope with that kinda rejection cos' I've been abandoned by too many others (who i once thought were friends) before.

    Dunno why I'm telling you this I wasn't intending to start a pity party here. I think it's cos' I'm at a crossroads now, at a point where I've attempted to reconnect with someone I used to know a long time ago and it's brought a lot of buried/suppressed emotions to the surface and I'm still trying to figure this out myself. Again in that case too part of me wants to reach out and reestablish the old friendship and part of me is afraid of rejection and going through that all over again.
    neelu, you're very insightful and i hoped you'd chime in cos your contributions are very thought out.
    alhamdullilah, i'm alright on that front but i was just thinking about when the line is crossed and in addition, if a person should accept that wanting attention is an ok thing.

    it seems from your post that you're undecided on how far to reach out in the case of a negative outcome and how you'd feel as a result of that. is it companionship that you're seeking (for the sake of reconnecting and making friends) or do you just want someone's attention to make you feel good/normal/better.

    am i making sense, neelu.

    Leave a comment:


  • neelu
    replied
    Re: seeking attention

    yes context is important here. I'm wondering what is causing you to think that you're not getting enough attention as it is and whether you're being oversensitive about it or whether you have a genuine grievance cos' you have good reason to believe that you just get ignored all the time by the vast majority of people you care about and that really isn't okay (in my case I fit in the latter category). Then if you point it out you worry if people will think you're being irrational for wanting attention at all.

    I've been dwelling on this a lot recently, wondering what lengths I should go to (nothing drastic, just stuff like sending the odd email or text to catch up with people) cos' over the years I became very withdrawn myself- I think it was the fear of rejection that if I reach out to someone and admit to how bad the problem is and if the person runs a mile in the opposite direction then I wouldn't be able to cope with that kinda rejection cos' I've been abandoned by too many others (who i once thought were friends) before.

    Dunno why I'm telling you this I wasn't intending to start a pity party here. I think it's cos' I'm at a crossroads now, at a point where I've attempted to reconnect with someone I used to know a long time ago and it's brought a lot of buried/suppressed emotions to the surface and I'm still trying to figure this out myself. Again in that case too part of me wants to reach out and reestablish the old friendship and part of me is afraid of rejection and going through that all over again.

    Leave a comment:


  • Sirius
    replied
    Re: seeking attention

    i actually forgot i get to see what you post when I am not logged on, Talwaar.
    you can take part and contribute if you like, i'm really interested in hearing what people have to say.

    --
    sis Yas,
    i'm not talking about wanting to feel loved. just plain attention. attention from the neighbour, from your teacher. just attention.

    Leave a comment:


  • Talwaar
    replied
    Re: seeking attention

    Bunch of girls

    Leave a comment:


  • Ya'sin
    replied
    Re: seeking attention

    it depends, what kind of attention? the feeling of being 'wanted'? to be 'loved'? and do you mean the actions that person carries out to get what they want?

    As adults, sometimes it becomes obvious when someone is trying too hard for attention.

    Leave a comment:


  • Sirius
    replied
    Re: seeking attention

    Originally posted by neighbour View Post
    Ermmm...
    I think the context is important ukhti... Wife wanting attention from Husband? .. Daughter from father? From opinion a wife 'craving' attention from her husband doesn't sound weird to me, but again depends on context. Wallāhu ‘ā’lam
    context is important, truesay.
    is it still a deficiency, though?
    doesn't mean it's a bad thing ... not all weaknesses need to be bad.

    some people think to want attention is not good, full stop.this is what i want to understand.

    Leave a comment:


  • neighbour
    replied
    Re: seeking attention

    Originally posted by Sirius View Post
    yeah, that does seem over the top.

    is it even ok to want attention, though ? is that a weakness in a person, do you think ?
    or is it just in our nature ?

    Ermmm...
    I think the context is important ukhti... Wife wanting attention from Husband? .. Daughter from father? From opinion a wife 'craving' attention from her husband doesn't sound weird to me, but again depends on context. Wallāhu ‘ā’lam

    Leave a comment:


  • Sirius
    replied
    Re: seeking attention

    Originally posted by neighbour View Post
    Wassalāmu ‘alaykum wa raḥmatullāhi wa barakātuhu

    Well from opinion... I think humiliating yourself to get attention... Lieing about things to get attention.. But small talk is probably normal??
    yeah, that does seem over the top.

    is it even ok to want attention, though ? is that a weakness in a person, do you think ?
    or is it just in our nature ?

    Leave a comment:


  • neighbour
    replied
    Re: seeking attention

    Originally posted by Sirius View Post
    asalamu alaykum,

    when does wanting a bit of attention go from being a normal human thing to becoming excessive and slightly worrying?
    Wassalāmu ‘alaykum wa raḥmatullāhi wa barakātuhu

    Well from opinion... I think humiliating yourself to get attention... Lieing about things to get attention.. But small talk is probably normal??

    Leave a comment:


  • Sirius
    replied
    Re: seeking attention

    Originally posted by Maghrebia00 View Post
    :wswrwb:

    When the individuals gets angry when they do not get the attention they need.

    Everyone strives attention one way or another...

    If fir instance i produce a great piece of something and tried to get attention by showing my father but he is busy and can't look at it. If i just accept that today i will not be getting attention then that type of attention seeking is okay, because if i fail i understand.
    If i cry, get upset, or have a tantrum... that is when the attention seeking goes extreme.

    However, constant failed attempts of attention seeking (or in other words efforts being ignored constantly) then being upset seems normal in this scenario...

    I am sorry, i am not making alot of sense and i can't rewrite it all again... im abit tired, excuse my lack of ability to structure my sentences correctly.
    ok but what about just wanting it.

    Leave a comment:


  • Sirius
    replied
    Re: seeking attention

    Originally posted by jafema View Post
    It's natural to have an increased tendency to crave (especially male) attention when we hit late teens / early 20s. We want to dress the best, and look aesthetically most pleasant in hope of scoring the best man we can. We know this is not the best way foward but that's how things come to us. In some families they give their daughters soo much attention since they are aware of this transition so the daughters don't become too indulged into this whole social desire. They educate their daughters about the Deen in a loving way that there is no unnecessary capacity for them to require unlawful attention off of men. Hormones are very difficult to handle at certain ages and this attention-crave 99% of the time is because your own family does not pay you sufficient attention.
    not male attention.
    just general attention.

    Leave a comment:


  • jafema
    replied
    Re: seeking attention

    Originally posted by Asma28 View Post
    when the thought of it controls your mind that you can no longer think about anything else
    and when you go to such extremes in order to get attention - i.e dressing to impress, doing something drastic etc
    It's natural to have an increased tendency to crave (especially male) attention when we hit late teens / early 20s. We want to dress the best, and look aesthetically most pleasant in hope of scoring the best man we can. We know this is not the best way foward but that's how things come to us. In some families they give their daughters soo much attention since they are aware of this transition so the daughters don't become too indulged into this whole social desire. They educate their daughters about the Deen in a loving way that there is no unnecessary capacity for them to require unlawful attention off of men. Hormones are very difficult to handle at certain ages and this attention-crave 99% of the time is because your own family does not pay you sufficient attention.

    Leave a comment:

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