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Does anyone here know someone with Borderline disorder? How do you stay friends?

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  • |Sister|
    replied
    Re: Does anyone here know someone with Borderline disorder? How do you stay friends?

    Originally posted by amatullaah View Post
    :salams

    It's natural feel that way, but it's important that you acknowledge to yourself that the situation was out of your control; it was and always is up to Allah. Whoever she is, the problem is actually that she just can't handle it, and the emotions that come with the disappointment, so she's unwittingly manipulating you to make herself feel better and release some of the frustration, anger, and disappointment, which is why she needs help to learn how to manage her issues. If she's not willing to get help, then you need to ensure the well-being of your own emotional and mental health. Which is why I suggested setting boundaries in the relationship.

    Bint_Hajj's suggestion of counselling for yourself was a very good one. You might also find the book "Walking on Eggshells" to be useful (although I think it's somewhat harsh on bpd-sufferers, but it's great for those around them who have to deal with the behaviour that comes with it); it's often recommended to the family and friends of people who suffer from bpd. And here is the author's website, which also might be useful to you, :insha:.

    Edit: Ameen to all the duas.
    :jkk: ukhti I will look up this book

    Leave a comment:


  • amatullaah
    replied
    Re: Does anyone here know someone with Borderline disorder? How do you stay friends?

    Originally posted by |Sister| View Post
    This is a good idea I may consider it

    I feel guilty when I disappoint them even when I haven't actually done anything wrong (like when they get angry over something I have no control over, like slow traffic/bus being late). It's really hard not to explode and argue back, but I know that would hurt them worse, so I end up frustrated and confused. It really is a confusing situation. For example I forgave her but I feel so nervous when talking to her that I can't be myself because I'm afraid to trigger her again.
    :salams

    It's natural feel that way, but it's important that you acknowledge to yourself that the situation was out of your control; it was and always is up to Allah. Whoever she is, the problem is actually that she just can't handle it, and the emotions that come with the disappointment, so she's unwittingly manipulating you to make herself feel better and release some of the frustration, anger, and disappointment, which is why she needs help to learn how to manage her issues. If she's not willing to get help, then you need to ensure the well-being of your own emotional and mental health. Which is why I suggested setting boundaries in the relationship.

    Bint_Hajj's suggestion of counselling for yourself was a very good one. You might also find the book "Walking on Eggshells" to be useful (although I think it's somewhat harsh on bpd-sufferers, but it's great for those around them who have to deal with the behaviour that comes with it); it's often recommended to the family and friends of people who suffer from bpd. And here is the author's website, which also might be useful to you, :insha:.

    Edit: Ameen to all the duas.
    Last edited by amatullaah; 29-05-14, 04:30 PM.

    Leave a comment:


  • |Sister|
    replied
    Re: Does anyone here know someone with Borderline disorder? How do you stay friends?

    Originally posted by Bint_Hajj View Post
    I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

    I can understand your confusion. Influencing someone to get help for themselves is not easy. I'm not sure what to tell you as I don't think whatever I was dealing with is quite as bad as what you are dealing with from your family & friends. I would say mean things, but not to the point of being vulgar and I didn't lash out violently. I know you don't want to stop talking with your family, but please keep your own health and safety in mind as well. Whatever your friends/family members are going through does NOT give them the right to be cruel or violent towards you.


    If you aren't able to get them into counseling, then perhaps you could go for yourself. There is a line between being kind and patient with family members and unnecessarily subjecting yourself to cruelty that is damaging to you. A qualified counselor can help you to know the difference and give you the tools to interact with your friends/family members in a way that is healthy for all of you.

    May Allah SWT make it easy for all of you.
    This is a good idea I may consider it

    I feel guilty when I disappoint them even when I haven't actually done anything wrong (like when they get angry over something I have no control over, like slow traffic/bus being late). It's really hard not to explode and argue back, but I know that would hurt them worse, so I end up frustrated and confused. It really is a confusing situation. For example I forgave her but I feel so nervous when talking to her that I can't be myself because I'm afraid to trigger her again.

    Leave a comment:


  • al-siddiq
    replied
    Re: Does anyone here know someone with Borderline disorder? How do you stay friends?

    Originally posted by |Sister| View Post
    :jkk: may Allah guide my family, they aren't muslim and neither are most of the people I know.
    May Allah guide them all Ameen.

    I knew a few people who had what modern medicine calls 'chronic depression.' However, with some work on understanding Islamic, they were able to overcome such a thing without any need of medication.

    I am not completely familiar with the disorder you mention, so of course take my advice with a grain of salt!

    Leave a comment:


  • Bint_Hajj
    replied
    Re: Does anyone here know someone with Borderline disorder? How do you stay friends?

    Originally posted by |Sister| View Post
    :jkk:

    May Allah make it easy on you and continue to help you.

    She called yesterday and did the I'm sorry I love you you're my best friend thing again. It's just so hard to believe it after "i hate you *** go die" comments. It's hard to trust someone that can hate you so easy, even though I think she doesn't mean any of it. I'm not her, but I don't think being intensely angry is an excuse to say vulgar, nasty things. Honestly I would rather be hit in the face than to have someone use those words with me, it would be a lot easier to forgive.

    But if I suggest anger management she gets depressed and thinks I hate her and won't even look me in the eye for days. How do you think I could convince her without making her think i'm mad at her or humiliating her?

    What makes me more upset is other people telling me for stop talking to them. Some of my family doesn't speak to each other over this, but I can't do that. So I get stuck in the middle and one side is raging at me while the other is saying 'well it's your fault you keep them around don't ask me for advice'. You don't just abandon someone because they have bad habits. I think some people can be so heartless.

    I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

    I can understand your confusion. Influencing someone to get help for themselves is not easy. I'm not sure what to tell you as I don't think whatever I was dealing with is quite as bad as what you are dealing with from your family & friends. I would say mean things, but not to the point of being vulgar and I didn't lash out violently. I know you don't want to stop talking with your family, but please keep your own health and safety in mind as well. Whatever your friends/family members are going through does NOT give them the right to be cruel or violent towards you.


    If you aren't able to get them into counseling, then perhaps you could go for yourself. There is a line between being kind and patient with family members and unnecessarily subjecting yourself to cruelty that is damaging to you. A qualified counselor can help you to know the difference and give you the tools to interact with your friends/family members in a way that is healthy for all of you.

    May Allah SWT make it easy for all of you.

    Leave a comment:


  • amatullaah
    replied
    Re: Does anyone here know someone with Borderline disorder? How do you stay friends?

    Originally posted by |Sister| View Post
    I have tried and I usually get a very violent reaction. I'm scared to approach the topic of therapy anymore.
    Well, in that case, don't put yourself in physical danger. It would be best that you set boundaries in your relationship with each of these individuals. Let them know that you love them and care for them, but set boundaries. If, however, it's no longer safe to have any sort of relationship with them, then put your physical safety first.

    That's my advice based off my familiarity with the subject.

    Wa Allahu A'lam.

    Leave a comment:


  • |Sister|
    replied
    Re: Does anyone here know someone with Borderline disorder? How do you stay friends?

    Originally posted by amatullaah View Post
    Sister, may I recommend that you suggest to those close to you who have bpd seek professional help? Many people with bpd have reported a positive result from undergoing DBT. I've also heard that some find Emotion-Focused Therapy to be more useful, and some others found Transference Therapy to help a lot.
    I have tried and I usually get a very violent reaction. I'm scared to approach the topic of therapy anymore.

    Leave a comment:


  • amatullaah
    replied
    Re: Does anyone here know someone with Borderline disorder? How do you stay friends?

    Originally posted by al-siddiq View Post
    Based on what I'm reading, it seems BPD is of the second category. In this case, one of the things that solves such things is a correct understanding of Islam intellectually. Islam teaches one how to deal with sensory input, how to think rationally, and equips the personality with traits that help deal with experiences and situations.

    In essence, this second type requires relationship building, companionship, clear thinking, and really changing the person ideologically.

    Hope that helps.
    It's a bit more complicated than that; you also need to treat the trauma. Without that, the rest won't help. There's also not enough research on this disorder, and there's no consensus within the psychiatric community on whether there's a biological aspect to it or not.



    Sister, may I recommend that you suggest to those close to you who have bpd seek professional help? Many people with bpd have reported a positive result from undergoing DBT. I've also heard that some find Emotion-Focused Therapy to be more useful, and some others found Transference Therapy to help a lot.

    You might find the following websites useful :insha::

    http://www.alawebpages.com/webquestbpd/

    http://www.experienceproject.com/gro...-Disorder/1960

    http://www.bpdworld.org/

    http://www.bpdrecovery.com/

    http://outofthefog.net/

    It also might help to talk with people who understand what you're going through:

    http://www.bpdfamily.com/message_board/

    http://www.psychforums.com/borderline-personality/

    http://forums.psychcentral.com/borde...lity-disorder/

    http://www.mentalhealthforum.net/forum/forum142.html (This one seems more geared towards those experiencing bpd rather than those who are living with someone who has it.)

    Leave a comment:


  • |Sister|
    replied
    Re: Does anyone here know someone with Borderline disorder? How do you stay friends?

    Originally posted by al-siddiq View Post
    In essence, this second type requires relationship building, companionship, clear thinking, and really changing the person ideologically.

    Hope that helps.
    :jkk: may Allah guide my family, they aren't muslim and neither are most of the people I know.

    Leave a comment:


  • al-siddiq
    replied
    Re: Does anyone here know someone with Borderline disorder? How do you stay friends?

    Wa Aalaikum Assalam waRahmatullahi waBarakatuh,

    This type of disorder is like many other psychological disorders, they are not fully agreed upon and difficult to diagnose.

    My experience with any time of disorder related to the mind is of two types: those that are physical/biological, and those that are psychological/sensory.

    The first kind is a medical issue, like cancer or a physical disability. The second kind is related to the thinking of a person, their experiences, their history, etc.

    We should not treat the second as a disease in the way the first is.


    Based on what I'm reading, it seems BPD is of the second category. In this case, one of the things that solves such things is a correct understanding of Islam intellectually. Islam teaches one how to deal with sensory input, how to think rationally, and equips the personality with traits that help deal with experiences and situations.

    In essence, this second type requires relationship building, companionship, clear thinking, and really changing the person ideologically.

    Hope that helps.

    Leave a comment:


  • |Sister|
    replied
    Re: Does anyone here know someone with Borderline disorder? How do you stay friends?

    Originally posted by LailaTheMuslim View Post
    Used to think I had it, I had a very black and white thinking style; I would absolutely adore someone and then abase them in my head the next second. Can't you love someone but still emotionally detach yourself a little bit so you don't get emotionally tied up with their mood swings? Just step back a bit and have a bit of self respect for your feelings and have some personal independence.
    That's difficult. I go on and distract myself with other things, but it's always in the back of my mind.

    Leave a comment:


  • |Sister|
    replied
    Re: Does anyone here know someone with Borderline disorder? How do you stay friends?

    Originally posted by Bint_Hajj View Post
    :salams

    Oy.

    Reading your original post was like looking in a mirror. I was like this when I was in my teens. My upbringing was a little rough so I had that hair trigger reaction to cut off from people at the first sign of problems. I would also lash out and say the worst things possible...

    I somehow managed to keep friends in spite of myself. I'll never forget one time when I had cut off my best friend for probably the 10th time and I was really missing her but didn't want to contact her because I thought she would hate me. Wouldn't you know, she ended up calling me and asked in the saddest voice, "are you still not talking to me?" It broke my heart and made me realize how bad I was hurting her by acting this way. :crying2:

    The anger and hurt that I felt was very real to me over the smallest slight, but I had to learn not to go to the extreme measure and retaliate harshly or cut off abruptly - but it took some time and effort on my part, and patience on the part of my friends.

    The only 3 things I can think of to help are:

    1)after their anger/hurt/cutting off/lashing out/etc - give them some space. They say all those things, but they do care and probably do miss you. At least I know I missed my friends even though I was trying really hard not to. I can't speak for your family or friends, but I really wasn't trying to hurt them. I was trying to protect myself after whatever hurt I thought they had caused me.

    2)Remind them of how bad their behavior hurts you. That was my big wake-up call. I never thought people cared about me, so I assumed that me saying things or cutting off from them wouldn't hurt them and I did it to protect myself. It wasn't until I truly understood that people actually have/had feelings for me and cared about me and could be hurt by me too that I stopped doing that.

    3)Even though they're being unreliable, try to be consistent. My friend continuing to be my friend even after I was so horrible to her changed my life and how I related to people.

    The above might not work for everyone, but it worked for those around me when I was acting that way.
    :jkk:

    May Allah make it easy on you and continue to help you.

    She called yesterday and did the I'm sorry I love you you're my best friend thing again. It's just so hard to believe it after "i hate you *** go die" comments. It's hard to trust someone that can hate you so easy, even though I think she doesn't mean any of it. I'm not her, but I don't think being intensely angry is an excuse to say vulgar, nasty things. Honestly I would rather be hit in the face than to have someone use those words with me, it would be a lot easier to forgive.

    But if I suggest anger management she gets depressed and thinks I hate her and won't even look me in the eye for days. How do you think I could convince her without making her think i'm mad at her or humiliating her?

    What makes me more upset is other people telling me for stop talking to them. Some of my family doesn't speak to each other over this, but I can't do that. So I get stuck in the middle and one side is raging at me while the other is saying 'well it's your fault you keep them around don't ask me for advice'. You don't just abandon someone because they have bad habits. I think some people can be so heartless.

    Leave a comment:


  • LailaTheMuslim
    replied
    Re: Does anyone here know someone with Borderline disorder? How do you stay friends?

    Used to think I had it, I had a very black and white thinking style; I would absolutely adore someone and then abase them in my head the next second. Can't you love someone but still emotionally detach yourself a little bit so you don't get emotionally tied up with their mood swings? Just step back a bit and have a bit of self respect for your feelings and have some personal independence.

    Leave a comment:


  • Bint_Hajj
    replied
    Re: Does anyone here know someone with Borderline disorder? How do you stay friends?

    Originally posted by |Sister| View Post
    bump

    I could really use help with this.
    :salams

    Oy.

    Reading your original post was like looking in a mirror. I was like this when I was in my teens. My upbringing was a little rough so I had that hair trigger reaction to cut off from people at the first sign of problems. I would also lash out and say the worst things possible...

    I somehow managed to keep friends in spite of myself. I'll never forget one time when I had cut off my best friend for probably the 10th time and I was really missing her but didn't want to contact her because I thought she would hate me. Wouldn't you know, she ended up calling me and asked in the saddest voice, "are you still not talking to me?" It broke my heart and made me realize how bad I was hurting her by acting this way. :crying2:

    The anger and hurt that I felt was very real to me over the smallest slight, but I had to learn not to go to the extreme measure and retaliate harshly or cut off abruptly - but it took some time and effort on my part, and patience on the part of my friends.

    The only 3 things I can think of to help are:

    1)after their anger/hurt/cutting off/lashing out/etc - give them some space. They say all those things, but they do care and probably do miss you. At least I know I missed my friends even though I was trying really hard not to. I can't speak for your family or friends, but I really wasn't trying to hurt them. I was trying to protect myself after whatever hurt I thought they had caused me.

    2)Remind them of how bad their behavior hurts you. That was my big wake-up call. I never thought people cared about me, so I assumed that me saying things or cutting off from them wouldn't hurt them and I did it to protect myself. It wasn't until I truly understood that people actually have/had feelings for me and cared about me and could be hurt by me too that I stopped doing that.

    3)Even though they're being unreliable, try to be consistent. My friend continuing to be my friend even after I was so horrible to her changed my life and how I related to people.

    The above might not work for everyone, but it worked for those around me when I was acting that way.

    Leave a comment:


  • |Sister|
    replied
    Re: Does anyone here know someone with Borderline disorder? How do you stay friends?

    Originally posted by Anti-Mage View Post
    My mom thinks that i have some kind of disorder, need to ask her if its Bi-polar. :wacko:
    jokes apart, my elder brother is a doctor and he has to deal with patients.. should i ask him what advice he gives to the patient's families ?
    I'd appreciate that when you come back

    Leave a comment:

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