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Does anyone here know someone with Borderline disorder? How do you stay friends?

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  • Does anyone here know someone with Borderline disorder? How do you stay friends?

    Brothers and Sisters :salams

    This thread is for anyone who has dealt with this type of person. Someone who actually has bpd would also be really helpful in making me understand how to deal with this.

    I have both friends and family diagnosed with this. I find it very difficult to stay close to them. Not because I don't want to (I do want to), but because they find it so easy to drop you over trivial things. It is much worse when it's family.

    I try very hard, but when he/she is in one of their detachment moods, very harsh words come out. "You never cared about me", "get out of my life", "you're a waste", "you're nothing to me". If I say those words hurt me she replies like "I don't care", "I hate you". I know it's the insecurity+anger talking, but this really hurts me a lot, to the point I can't sleep for days. We're going through one of these episodes right now because I didn't show up when I was expected to. But I was late because I was doing something for them that I was asked to do.

    I can't grasp how you can go from being best friends to hating someone passionately over something so trivial. I don't understand how not being there once translates into "you abandoned me you are now my mortal enemy". No matter how hard I try to convince that I haven't abandoned, I get called a liar and get accused of random things that aren't true. I am very loyal, so getting accused of being an untrustworthy friend/cousin/niece really shakes me to my core. Then it goes on for days or weeks without talking with no concern how I feel or how this "revenge" treatment is hurting me. Then suddenly it's all back to normal and "I love you you're my best friend" over night like nothing happened.

    I'd appreciate serious replies and no childish/sarcastic comments. How should a Muslim deal with this? Should I just be patient because it's a sickness?

  • #2
    Re: Does anyone here know someone with Borderline disorder? How do you stay friends?

    Don't have it or know anyone with it. But I have people in my life with mental health issues and I know the ups and downs, the drama and when you just want to scream and run away. So I can understand your frustration.

    What I suggest you do is, have it always on the back of your mind that it's not her talking, it's the illness.
    That way you should be able to shrug off most of her abuse. But that doesn't always work, somethings will still hurt =/
    When she is in one of them moods just back off and give her space and when everything is fine then be there for her.

    And finally do make dua for her also. May Allah grant her complete shifa and reward your patience. Ameen.
    Gone with the wind.

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Does anyone here know someone with Borderline disorder? How do you stay friends?

      Originally posted by Rebel101 View Post
      Don't have it or know anyone with it. But I have people in my life with mental health issues and I know the ups and downs, the drama and when you just want to scream and run away. So I can understand your frustration.

      What I suggest you do is, have it always on the back of your mind that it's not her talking, it's the illness.
      That way you should be able to shrug off most of her abuse. But that doesn't always work, somethings will still hurt =/
      When she is in one of them moods just back off and give her space and when everything is fine then be there for her.

      And finally do make dua for her also. May Allah grant her complete shifa and reward your patience. Ameen.
      Aameen. I get really upset when this happens. I keep telling myself "it's the illness talking", but it's really hard to do when they seem happy or satisfied seeing you hurt/upset. It's 3 am and I should be asleep. I tried to listen to Qur'an, but I can't concentrate on anything. I want to go for a run but it's not safe in my neighborhood at night lol.

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Does anyone here know someone with Borderline disorder? How do you stay friends?

        Dear Sister,

        how the provision of psychological services in your area? I am completing my Masters in Psychology at the moment (and also am investigating how to improve psychotherapy for Muslims by an online survey) and I had worked with clients who have bipolar disorders in a psychiatric ward. I think that one of the most important things is to extend care and love even at the times when they try everything to push you away and to hurt you. I can understand that this is really hard but as you said, you need to remember that they are suffering from an involuntary illness and are in need of help. The essential problem is that the need for being connected to another and being an own individual is happening in the extreme forms. Hence, when they feel the need for love they are acting in extreme ways to stay close to you and when they are in fear of losing themselves as a individual they push you away as far as possible.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Does anyone here know someone with Borderline disorder? How do you stay friends?

          Originally posted by inbetween View Post
          Dear Sister,

          how the provision of psychological services in your area? I am completing my Masters in Psychology at the moment (and also am investigating how to improve psychotherapy for Muslims by an online survey) and I had worked with clients who have bipolar disorders in a psychiatric ward. I think that one of the most important things is to extend care and love even at the times when they try everything to push you away and to hurt you. I can understand that this is really hard but as you said, you need to remember that they are suffering from an involuntary illness and are in need of help. The essential problem is that the need for being connected to another and being an own individual is happening in the extreme forms. Hence, when they feel the need for love they are acting in extreme ways to stay close to you and when they are in fear of losing themselves as a individual they push you away as far as possible.
          :jkk: for the advice, I did the survey.

          Access to services is not good at all here. It doesn't matter anyway when they refuse to believe the diagnosis or ever visit one again. Anytime I bring it up it results in another detached insult episode. I gave up on that long ago.

          That's what I meant. It's hard to be connected when they insult and push you away. I don't know why a person would push away someone they don't want to be away. I think it's a flaw in my own understanding.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Does anyone here know someone with Borderline disorder? How do you stay friends?

            Thank you very much.As I mostly work with depressed clients, I will be looking up some recommendations for you in my study books. Will get back to you in a little while if that is ok with you.

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Does anyone here know someone with Borderline disorder? How do you stay friends?

              I try very hard, but when he/she is in one of their detachment moods
              you should no have male friends, sister.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Does anyone here know someone with Borderline disorder? How do you stay friends?

                Originally posted by 4000 View Post
                you should no have male friends, sister.
                :jkk:, I have male relatives whom I live with ^

                Originally posted by inbetween View Post
                Thank you very much.As I mostly work with depressed clients, I will be looking up some recommendations for you in my study books. Will get back to you in a little while if that is ok with you.
                :jkk: i appreciate that sister

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Does anyone here know someone with Borderline disorder? How do you stay friends?

                  bump

                  I could really use help with this.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Does anyone here know someone with Borderline disorder? How do you stay friends?

                    Originally posted by |Sister| View Post
                    bump

                    I could really use help with this.
                    My mom thinks that i have some kind of disorder, need to ask her if its Bi-polar. :wacko:
                    jokes apart, my elder brother is a doctor and he has to deal with patients.. should i ask him what advice he gives to the patient's families ?

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Does anyone here know someone with Borderline disorder? How do you stay friends?

                      Originally posted by Anti-Mage View Post
                      My mom thinks that i have some kind of disorder, need to ask her if its Bi-polar. :wacko:
                      jokes apart, my elder brother is a doctor and he has to deal with patients.. should i ask him what advice he gives to the patient's families ?
                      I'd appreciate that when you come back

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Does anyone here know someone with Borderline disorder? How do you stay friends?

                        Originally posted by |Sister| View Post
                        bump

                        I could really use help with this.
                        :salams

                        Oy.

                        Reading your original post was like looking in a mirror. I was like this when I was in my teens. My upbringing was a little rough so I had that hair trigger reaction to cut off from people at the first sign of problems. I would also lash out and say the worst things possible...

                        I somehow managed to keep friends in spite of myself. I'll never forget one time when I had cut off my best friend for probably the 10th time and I was really missing her but didn't want to contact her because I thought she would hate me. Wouldn't you know, she ended up calling me and asked in the saddest voice, "are you still not talking to me?" It broke my heart and made me realize how bad I was hurting her by acting this way.

                        The anger and hurt that I felt was very real to me over the smallest slight, but I had to learn not to go to the extreme measure and retaliate harshly or cut off abruptly - but it took some time and effort on my part, and patience on the part of my friends.

                        The only 3 things I can think of to help are:

                        1)after their anger/hurt/cutting off/lashing out/etc - give them some space. They say all those things, but they do care and probably do miss you. At least I know I missed my friends even though I was trying really hard not to. I can't speak for your family or friends, but I really wasn't trying to hurt them. I was trying to protect myself after whatever hurt I thought they had caused me.

                        2)Remind them of how bad their behavior hurts you. That was my big wake-up call. I never thought people cared about me, so I assumed that me saying things or cutting off from them wouldn't hurt them and I did it to protect myself. It wasn't until I truly understood that people actually have/had feelings for me and cared about me and could be hurt by me too that I stopped doing that.

                        3)Even though they're being unreliable, try to be consistent. My friend continuing to be my friend even after I was so horrible to her changed my life and how I related to people.

                        The above might not work for everyone, but it worked for those around me when I was acting that way.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Does anyone here know someone with Borderline disorder? How do you stay friends?

                          Used to think I had it, I had a very black and white thinking style; I would absolutely adore someone and then abase them in my head the next second. Can't you love someone but still emotionally detach yourself a little bit so you don't get emotionally tied up with their mood swings? Just step back a bit and have a bit of self respect for your feelings and have some personal independence.
                          وَاقْصِدْ فِي مَشْيِكَ وَاغْضُضْ مِن صَوْتِكَ ۚ إِنَّ أَنكَرَ الْأَصْوَاتِ لَصَوْتُ الْحَمِيرِ - 31:19

                          And be moderate in your pace and lower your voice; indeed, the most disagreeable of sounds is the voice of donkeys."


                          أَلَمْ تَرَوْا أَنَّ اللَّهَ سَخَّرَ لَكُم مَّا فِي السَّمَاوَاتِ وَمَا فِي الْأَرْضِ وَأَسْبَغَ عَلَيْكُمْ نِعَمَهُ ظَاهِرَةً وَبَاطِنَةً ۗ وَمِنَ النَّاسِ مَن يُجَادِلُ فِي اللَّهِ بِغَيْرِ عِلْمٍ وَلَا هُدًى وَلَا كِتَابٍ مُّنِيرٍ - 31:20

                          Do you not see that Allah has made subject to you whatever is in the heavens and whatever is in the earth and amply bestowed upon you His favors, [both] apparent and unapparent? But of the people is he who disputes about Allah without knowledge or guidance or an enlightening Book [from Him].


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                          Please take a look at my blog : http://thinkingmuslima.blogspot.co.uk/

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: Does anyone here know someone with Borderline disorder? How do you stay friends?

                            Originally posted by Bint_Hajj View Post
                            :salams

                            Oy.

                            Reading your original post was like looking in a mirror. I was like this when I was in my teens. My upbringing was a little rough so I had that hair trigger reaction to cut off from people at the first sign of problems. I would also lash out and say the worst things possible...

                            I somehow managed to keep friends in spite of myself. I'll never forget one time when I had cut off my best friend for probably the 10th time and I was really missing her but didn't want to contact her because I thought she would hate me. Wouldn't you know, she ended up calling me and asked in the saddest voice, "are you still not talking to me?" It broke my heart and made me realize how bad I was hurting her by acting this way.

                            The anger and hurt that I felt was very real to me over the smallest slight, but I had to learn not to go to the extreme measure and retaliate harshly or cut off abruptly - but it took some time and effort on my part, and patience on the part of my friends.

                            The only 3 things I can think of to help are:

                            1)after their anger/hurt/cutting off/lashing out/etc - give them some space. They say all those things, but they do care and probably do miss you. At least I know I missed my friends even though I was trying really hard not to. I can't speak for your family or friends, but I really wasn't trying to hurt them. I was trying to protect myself after whatever hurt I thought they had caused me.

                            2)Remind them of how bad their behavior hurts you. That was my big wake-up call. I never thought people cared about me, so I assumed that me saying things or cutting off from them wouldn't hurt them and I did it to protect myself. It wasn't until I truly understood that people actually have/had feelings for me and cared about me and could be hurt by me too that I stopped doing that.

                            3)Even though they're being unreliable, try to be consistent. My friend continuing to be my friend even after I was so horrible to her changed my life and how I related to people.

                            The above might not work for everyone, but it worked for those around me when I was acting that way.
                            :jkk:

                            May Allah make it easy on you and continue to help you.

                            She called yesterday and did the I'm sorry I love you you're my best friend thing again. It's just so hard to believe it after "i hate you *** go die" comments. It's hard to trust someone that can hate you so easy, even though I think she doesn't mean any of it. I'm not her, but I don't think being intensely angry is an excuse to say vulgar, nasty things. Honestly I would rather be hit in the face than to have someone use those words with me, it would be a lot easier to forgive.

                            But if I suggest anger management she gets depressed and thinks I hate her and won't even look me in the eye for days. How do you think I could convince her without making her think i'm mad at her or humiliating her?

                            What makes me more upset is other people telling me for stop talking to them. Some of my family doesn't speak to each other over this, but I can't do that. So I get stuck in the middle and one side is raging at me while the other is saying 'well it's your fault you keep them around don't ask me for advice'. You don't just abandon someone because they have bad habits. I think some people can be so heartless.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: Does anyone here know someone with Borderline disorder? How do you stay friends?

                              Originally posted by LailaTheMuslim View Post
                              Used to think I had it, I had a very black and white thinking style; I would absolutely adore someone and then abase them in my head the next second. Can't you love someone but still emotionally detach yourself a little bit so you don't get emotionally tied up with their mood swings? Just step back a bit and have a bit of self respect for your feelings and have some personal independence.
                              That's difficult. I go on and distract myself with other things, but it's always in the back of my mind.

                              Comment

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