Ads by Muslim Ad Network

Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Elderly parents

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • #31
    Re: Elderly parents

    Originally posted by neelu View Post
    Traditionally (in south asian culture whether Muslim or not), it tends to be expected that elderly parents live with one of their sons and the daughter in law takes care of them.

    Actually in Islam it is the duty of the offspring (the sons and daughters) to take care of parents, not the daughter in law, but having said that, the daughter in law should support and respect her husband's actions if he decides to take care of them himself by moving to a house near them, changing to flexible working hours so that he can spend time with them and so on.

    In some families, it all works out, for example if the daughter in law is willing to live with the in laws and take responsibility for them. In the older generation that was more of a norm but now fewer women are inclined towards doing that. In other families, it's often more practical for elder parents to live with their daughter, even if she is married with kids- assuming that she has an understanding husband and that can work out well too.

    It's also a significant reason as to why so many parents insist that their children have first cousin marriages, because they believe that in old age, they are more likely to have an understanding daughter/son in law if that person is also a niece/nephew and is more likely to treat them like their own parents. Sometimes that mentality works in practice and sometimes it really backfires if they bring home a first cousin who really doesn't think like that and this can blow up into a big family feud that affects extended family relationships as well.
    :jkk: For explaining that so clearly.

    Comment


    • #32
      Re: Elderly parents

      Personally i would divide my time between my parents (house) and my wife (home) the same way i would if i had 2 wives.

      So one night i would sleep at my parents home and stay with them (go to work from there) and the next day i would sleep
      at my home with my wife and kids, or a similar arrangement like stay 2 days with parents, and 2 days with wife/kids.

      Occasionally you could all stay together, even if i had to sleep on a air-bed or floor mattress or something its still fun and
      this way nobody is neglected inshalla.

      Comment


      • #33
        Re: Elderly parents

        Originally posted by Muslima London View Post
        Ok i have a question

        if sons and daughter in laws have no duty towards parents and it is nooooo sin on them at all to move away and lead their own lifes independent of the parents, so who will be looking after the parents???

        like i'm thinking about my parents here and even though my parents aren't even that elderly (60s) they are still pretty vulnerable due to other illnesses.

        are we moving towards an era where we are going to start putting our parents into old peoples homes???
        Heckk no.

        I can never imagine doing that to my parents.

        Never ever think about committing that sin.

        I'm just saying btw. Not attacking you.
        Last edited by niightowl; 11-05-14, 03:30 AM.

        Comment


        • #34
          Re: Elderly parents

          I think that's everyone's nightmare to see their parents put in a care home! This is something that should definitely be discussed when meeting a potential! Those that don't want to take care of their parents will one day become parents themselves and will feel the anger and hurt if their kids do that to them!

          I remember a story that my parents told me when I was younger about how you treat your parents: a man and his wife had to take care of their parents/in-laws whilst they had their own family. The parents of the man were very old and fragile so they would constantly break cups/plates as they didn't have the strength to hold them. The man became very frustrated by this and spokw very harshly towards his parents. The man also had a young child who witnessed this. Now the man went and grabbed a circular piece of wood and gave it to his parents to eat out of. A few days later the man cane home and saw his young child with a piece of wood and a pair of scissors and was carving something. When asked what he was doing the child replied "it's for you when you turn old." The man was shocked and realised that he will also reach an age where he may rely on others!

          Never disrespect your parents

          Comment


          • #35
            Re: Elderly parents

            Originally posted by kakashi View Post
            I think that's everyone's nightmare to see their parents put in a care home! This is something that should definitely be discussed when meeting a potential! Those that don't want to take care of their parents will one day become parents themselves and will feel the anger and hurt if their kids do that to them!

            I remember a story that my parents told me when I was younger about how you treat your parents: a man and his wife had to take care of their parents/in-laws whilst they had their own family. The parents of the man were very old and fragile so they would constantly break cups/plates as they didn't have the strength to hold them. The man became very frustrated by this and spokw very harshly towards his parents. The man also had a young child who witnessed this. Now the man went and grabbed a circular piece of wood and gave it to his parents to eat out of. A few days later the man cane home and saw his young child with a piece of wood and a pair of scissors and was carving something. When asked what he was doing the child replied "it's for you when you turn old." The man was shocked and realised that he will also reach an age where he may rely on others!

            Never disrespect your parents
            What a story! Yeah, I can't understand why people can't afford to take care of their dependant parents. If you can afford shipping them to a retirement home, you can definitely afford taking care of them!
            www.treasureofthescholars.wordpress.com

            Comment


            • #36
              Re: Elderly parents

              can i just ask to the non-asian brothers and sisters here, what do you guys normally do in your cultures regarding the parents, esp. when they get old?

              would be useful just to see how other muslims take on their responsibilities and may help us too

              Comment


              • #37
                Re: Elderly parents

                Originally posted by cho09082489 View Post
                can i just ask to the non-asian brothers and sisters here, what do you guys normally do in your cultures regarding the parents, esp. when they get old?

                would be useful just to see how other muslims take on their responsibilities and may help us too

                I'm Somali, and parents stay with the kids. I'm not sure whether daughter or son takes care of the parents (because my mom was an only child), but parents definitely don't go to a retirement home.
                www.treasureofthescholars.wordpress.com

                Comment


                • #38
                  Re: Elderly parents

                  Originally posted by cho09082489 View Post
                  can i just ask to the non-asian brothers and sisters here, what do you guys normally do in your cultures regarding the parents, esp. when they get old?

                  would be useful just to see how other muslims take on their responsibilities and may help us too
                  When parents reach the age where they can no longer live alone then if they only have one child, the child takes them in

                  However if they have many children they get to pick what they want, so if they want to stay short periods with each child then that gets arranged, if they prefer full time with one child, again that gets arranged. My grandma had many daughters but she decided to stay with my dad mostly and my mom took on full responsibility for her, but when she wanted to, she would go and stay with her daughters and they too take care of her. Most parents in our culture tend to prefer staying with their daughters because they know their daughters in most cases will treat them better than a DIL and because they do not want to adapt to a new person with different personalities. So yeah, in my culture, the girls are more likely to care for their elderly parents, however, if parents are capable of living alone, then we set them up somewhere close by and visit every now and then + provide financial and physical help whenever they need it. This is why I never got why Asian families give the responsibility to the son who in turn makes it his wife's duty because I always wondered who would care for the wife's own parents as well as why healthy, independent parents need to live with their son + wife. Hope that helped.
                  O people who take pleasure in a life that will vanish, falling in love with a fading shadow is sheer stupidity~ Ibn Qayyim Al-Jawziyya

                  Comment


                  • #39
                    Re: Elderly parents

                    thanks to both sisters

                    i think the best thing would probably be for the child to take them in when they can no longer live by themselves, but I dont think it is necessary to live with them when they are perfectly able. You can always visit them daily so long as they are fine and take them in when they eventually need it. Asian culture usually does not support daughters looking after the parents (comes from Hindu belief that the daughter's connection from her birth family is severed after marriage), so someone with no sons is gonna be stuck unless their son-in-law allows.

                    being a man is a tough job, you gotta make sure your wife's rights arent trampled on and neither are your parents

                    Comment


                    • #40
                      Re: Elderly parents

                      Who would be cold hearted enough to put their parents in a care home. That is just the most horrible thing to do to your parents after all they’ve done for you.

                      When parents reach an age where they need care of course their children should take care of them. I think it’s best of they move in with one of their daughters because no one can take care of them better than their daughters.

                      If that is not possible then with a son that have been married for awhile because they would already have a relationship with the DIL.

                      That being said it’s very important for the daughters to make sure their parents are taken care of properly and if they reach an age where they require a lot of assistance they should insist they move in with them.

                      Comment


                      • #41
                        Re: Elderly parents

                        Originally posted by niightowl View Post
                        Heckk no.

                        I can never imagine doing that to my parents.

                        Never ever think about committing that sin.

                        I'm just saying btw. Not attacking you.

                        does anyone actually think i'm advocating putting parents into a care home
                        subhanalllah!!!

                        from what i pick up on this forum there is a lot of desi bashing here. oooohhh i would never move in with my in-laws, no way, we live indepent blah blah blah so my question was hypothetical.
                        If you did expect to move in to your own residence once your married, i just wanted to know if we all did that who would be expected to care for the parents when they are 'elderly' because if everyone stuck by their rights and no-one wnated to live with parents in laws these poor elderly people would have no-one to look after them when tehy are the most vulnerable (during the night time esp)

                        i'm glad that common sense does prevail and most people have said that compassion and mercy must be first and foremost before one's 'rights'

                        it does make sense for the women to look after their parents but in a traditional desi family that will only work if all families take on the same thinking.
                        how would a woman from a marriage take care of her elderly parents if her husbands is expected to take care of his parents and his sisters have married and moved away. So for that to work there has to be a shared understanding in all families that it is the daughters duty therefore when she marreis, she should stay close by.

                        tbh i feel its all siblings duties.
                        Last edited by Muslima London; 11-05-14, 10:53 AM.

                        __________________________________________________ _____________________________



                        please donate to the Ummah forum sadaqa jariya project. Click on the link for for more information, and to make a donation- https://www.justgiving.com/sadaqah-jariyah-project/

                        Comment


                        • #42
                          Re: Elderly parents

                          ^^ Yes it is a team effort from all siblings.
                          As long as they have a good understanding it should be fine.

                          I know a family that there are like 6 or 7 siblings and the mom takes turns living in their houses.
                          But mostly spends time with the eldest Daughter , who have a big house and grandkids to look after her and all.

                          People do bash culture a lot , but sometimes culture defines the ability as to how parents need to be looked after with islam taking precedence.

                          In Asian countries care homes are very less ,one thing is culturally you will defintly be looked down upon if your parents or one of the parents is put in a care home.So thats a good thing.
                          Visit my channel - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYk...dE4pHzSid7Lr0w

                          Comment


                          • #43
                            Re: Elderly parents

                            there is good in many things
                            Last edited by Sirius; 11-05-14, 08:45 PM.
                            'And when a thing for which you ask is slow to come,
                            Then know that often through delay are gifts received'
                            علي الحبشي

                            Comment


                            • #44
                              Re: Elderly parents

                              parents should have made arrangements regarding what would happen when they're old etc instead of relying on their kids, its also one of the worst reason I can think of to have children, there's no guarantee they will look after you, or that your children will reach adulthood in the best of health and have the finance to take on elderly parents who often need round the clock care. if you are fortunate enough to be able to stay with family/children, they shouldn't have to give up their life to look after you either, unless you need 24/7 care and even then you can have help from outside. In the asian community, the elderly usually move back home when they reach 70/80 or stay there like 6 months or so, and usually have hired help. then when they come back here, all of a sudden they need the DIL's to drop everything to cater to their needs, that's not fair to anyone.

                              Comment

                              Collapse

                              Edit this module to specify a template to display.

                              Working...
                              X