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Elderly parents

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  • Elderly parents

    Ok i have a question

    if sons and daughter in laws have no duty towards parents and it is nooooo sin on them at all to move away and lead their own lifes independent of the parents, so who will be looking after the parents???

    like i'm thinking about my parents here and even though my parents aren't even that elderly (60s) they are still pretty vulnerable due to other illnesses.

    are we moving towards an era where we are going to start putting our parents into old peoples homes???

    coz if daughter in laws are jumping up and down with hysteria and screaming ' not me, not me - i'm not looking after no-ones parents, i''m not living with no-one' (and yes i acept that its not THEIR duty anyway) and son's decide to live elsewhere what is the practical solution to when the parents become REALLLY OLD - 70s, 80s.

    im really trying to get my head around this because no-one seems to know what their real duties are towards their parents.


    in an ideal world, i reckon a married couple should perhaps live down teh road or the nexxtx street away from the parents so they can pop in and out, keep the parents company and check to see how they are.

    What other arrangements have people come to???

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  • #2
    Re: Elderly parents

    http://www.islamweb.net/emainpage/in...waId&Id=142927

    Fatwa No : 142927
    His wife refuses to take care of his elderly parents
    Fatwa Date : Thul-Hijjah 7, 1431 / 13-11-2010
    Question
    Salam moe’alaikoem, My parents are old and need some help. Their health is very poor. They use a large amount of medicines and they can hardly walk. I asked my wife in a friendly manner to obey me en move to my parents house. I have my own house but my parents do need a lot of help and there is no one else who can take care of them. My parents house contains 3 bedrooms a living-room, kitchen en 2 separate bathrooms. She however responded in a very hostile and rude manner. She said and I quote:”I have never heard of a man forcing these conditions on his wife. If your name is really xxxx ( mentioning my name is not necessary) you dare do this.” end of quote. This is a threat. She does not want to live with my parents and claims there is not enough room. I did not answer here and went praying two rakaats and kept quit because I was furious. I have been married to her for 12 years now and she uttered many rude and hostile words through the years and I have been patient.Until now! I have applied the Islamic laws and gave her her rights she has through Islam. I treated her and her relatives friendly, never insulted here or here family, I have never beaten her and gave her all she asked for. She has no right to display this kind of behaviour. I only want to take care of my parents, I do not think they have many more years to live. Their health is just too poor. I need some Islamic ruling on this issue. I want your advice because I can see only 2 options now. 1) divorcing her or 2) getting a second wife, who appreciates her husband more and obeys him as long as her husband is just. 1)Is this kind of behaviour enough for divorcing her? I have this inexplicable feeling that she does not seem to appreciate me. 2)Because we have 3 sons I am willing to keep this wife but want to marry another wife who is willing to live with me in my parents house. Can I do this without her approval? And what can I do if this wife demands a divorce and does not want to stay married to me?

    Answer
    All perfect praise be to Allaah, The Lord of the Worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allaah, and that Muhammad sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam ( may Allaah exalt his mention ) is His slave and Messenger.
    Divorce is permissible if there is a need for it and it is disliked if there is no need for it. Hence, you have the right to divorce your wife but we do not advise you to do so especially that you have children from her.
    In fact, your wife is not obligated to live with your parents because a wife has a right to an accommodation separate from the family of her husband as we clarified in Fataawa 84909 and 84608.
    On the other hand, it is your duty towards your parents to be kind and dutiful to them especially that they are elderly and need your help. Therefore, we advise you to combine between the two matters (the right of your parents and the right of your wife) by moving to a house near your parents in a way that you will be able to provide your wife with separate house and at the same time to take care of your parents and fulfill their needs when they need you; this could be better for you.
    However, if you feel the need to marry a second wife so that you would be with your parents, and you are able to be just between the two wives, then you may do so; for more benefit, please refer to Fatwa 95416.
    Indeed, it is not a condition that your first wife agrees to this marriage; rather, it is permissible for you to marry even if she objects as we clarified in Fataawa 85948 and 84411.
    Besides, she is not permitted to ask you for divorce just because you married another wife and you are not obligated to divorce her if she asks you for divorce but it is desirable for you to accept especially if the marital relationship between you and her gets worse.
    Finally, it should be noted that it is disobedience on the part of the wife to raise her voice over her husband and insult him and the like, so your wife is obligated to repent from it.
    Allaah Knows best.

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    • #3
      Re: Elderly parents

      http://www.onislam.net/english/ask-t...ml?Parenthood=

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      • #4
        Elderly parents

        :( maybe il live down the road to where my husbands parents are or maybe next door..

        :jkk:
        Last edited by iRepIslam; 10-05-14, 08:36 PM.
        The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said: “It will be said to the companion of the Qur’an: ‘Read, and ascend, and recite as you used to recite in the [previous] world, for your status will be according to the last verse that you recite.’” [At-Tirmidhi (2914) and Abu Dawood (1464)]

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        • #5
          Elderly parents

          If they're elderly* or something and need some support:)
          The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said: “It will be said to the companion of the Qur’an: ‘Read, and ascend, and recite as you used to recite in the [previous] world, for your status will be according to the last verse that you recite.’” [At-Tirmidhi (2914) and Abu Dawood (1464)]

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          • #6
            Re: Elderly parents

            i'm interested to hear what other cultures do because dont forget the first genration of immigrants are now getting elderly whereas if you were back home - whether in somalia, pakistan, arab country or whatever, you would be living in an extended family situation where you migh have your own 'quarters' away from teh family but in teh same house.

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            • #7
              Re: Elderly parents

              Where I am from parents mostly tend to stay with the daughters rather than sons,however sons still have an active say in finance. Medical and other stuff.
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              • #8
                Re: Elderly parents

                Originally posted by muzzybee View Post
                Where I am from parents mostly tend to stay with the daughters rather than sons,however sons still have an active say in finance. Medical and other stuff.

                even if the daughters are married??

                is this still the same here??

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                • #9
                  Re: Elderly parents

                  Originally posted by Muslima London View Post
                  even if the daughters are married??

                  is this still the same here??
                  I am referring to in back home , yep they tend to stay with daughters even after marriage , simply because it is hard to get along with Daughter in laws and also sons tend to move away most of the time , but daughters tend to stick around.

                  When both parents are alive then they live seperatly in general , unless the house belongs to one of the children or given as a gift to them then they stay with the parents.

                  weirdly houses are mostly given to daughters , rather than sons ,whereas sons get houses when they get married.
                  However, this is mostly cultural and the new breed of muslims are coming out of this.
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                  • #10
                    Re: Elderly parents

                    I think that there's a differentiation between caring for your own parents and caring for in-laws, which I understand.

                    Most daughters(I hope anyway) probably assume they'll be taking care of their own parents when they reach old age and/or poor health. So expecting a daughter to care for both her own parents and the in-laws can be overwhelming and maybe even impossible depending on how much care they each need and how much help she would get from each set of families.

                    While I do think that it's better for a daughter in law to help care for her mother & father in law, I can understand her not being willing to if she already has to care for her own parents. Especially if there's no one else to do so(for her own parents). In which case I feel it's unfair to expect that amount of work from her. Even nurse's aren't given the responsibility of 24 hour care for 4 patients by themselves. And that's besides the fact that she may also have her own husband and children to care for as well.

                    Personally, I'm American and I cared for my father during his final illness and :insha: I have every intention of caring for my mother as well if/when that comes up. Even though I have an older brother, he lives out of state and I don't expect I'll have help(unless there is some hired help). So if I were expected to care for my in-laws at that time as well, I would have to decline as my 1st obligation is to my own mother who gave birth to me and raised me. After that, if there is anything I can help with for the in-laws, I would. But the bulk of my attention and care would be for my own mother and I would hope that my in-laws would be able to get care from their own children as well.

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                    • #11
                      Re: Elderly parents

                      a child will look after the parent. why even think of sending them to a home ?
                      the parent/s move in with one of the kids, in sha Allah.

                      it is not commonplace (thankfully) that muslims go send their parents to a home.

                      most elderly people i know live with their children.
                      'And when a thing for which you ask is slow to come,
                      Then know that often through delay are gifts received'
                      علي الحبشي

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                      • #12
                        Re: Elderly parents

                        This is a great point raised. I have seen some sisters talk about how they want their space and will not put up with the in-laws and what not.
                        Personally, I would want my parents with me and would like everyone to live together in harmony. Sounds like a fantasy in our society lol
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                        • #13
                          Re: Elderly parents

                          Men need to make sure the women they are going to marry treat his parents respectfully and care for them. Yea I get its not their responsibility but if you care about your husband you'd do it, why would any woman want an elder person that can't care for themselves be left on their own? Unless she's pure evil.
                          "Why Do We Fill Our Hearts With Everything But Allah And Expect Not To Fall Apart"

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                          • #14
                            Re: Elderly parents

                            You've made me think about something I dug deep to avoid over thinking :/

                            I wanna look after my parents during their old age, don't at all mind looking after his too - definitely looking for a needle in a haystack
                            My Lord sanctify my flawed heart
                            As You have sanctified Your house,
                            Make my heart as protected and as honoured
                            In which permission of entry
                            Is only granted to a few,
                            Please Allah, allow my heart
                            To be preserved only for You.



                            ---


                            It hurts, to watch you leave so soon,
                            when I don't know, if I will ever see you again
                            In Jannah, we will meet :love:


                            If I have ever offended, hurt or insulted you, forgive me for the sake of Allah سبحانه وتعالى‎

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                            • #15
                              Re: Elderly parents

                              Originally posted by Muslima London View Post
                              i'm interested to hear what other cultures do because dont forget the first genration of immigrants are now getting elderly whereas if you were back home - whether in somalia, pakistan, arab country or whatever, you would be living in an extended family situation where you migh have your own 'quarters' away from teh family but in teh same house.
                              I was raised with the idea (I'm Somali btw) that retirement homes are haram. Now I don't know whether they are or not, but there is no way ever my mom will go into a retirement home unless I'm dead.

                              I mean, these parents take care of you when you are even unable to wash yourself. Now that the same thing may have happened to them, you're (generally) too "busy" to do the same for them?
                              www.treasureofthescholars.wordpress.com

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