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Talking to my mom makes me depressed

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  • Talking to my mom makes me depressed

    Assalam alaykum,

    This is a very personal issue that I have always felt too ashamed to speak about with to anyone. I know in Islam mom is #1 and I've heard sheikhs say that if you do not treat your parents the best then you have a diseased heart. I harbor a lot of resentment towards my mother for the things she has done to me growing up and things she has done recently. She has always been ashamed of me for being a single mother and always criticized me and talked down on me. She used to call me ugly when I was heavier along with other bad things. She has gossiped about me in the past and told one of my friends (whom I do not trust) very personal things about me and that friend spread those things to other people. She also looks down on me for being muslim and seems embarrassed and ashamed when I attend family reunions. My mother is not a horrible person and has done some great things for me when I've been down. I just can't seem to open up to her since there is no trust due to her backbiting. I have a sister who is a lot closer to my mother but she has had a different life, and has not had the problems I've had growing up (she married well from a young age). I am very happy as a muslim and I thought that being muslim would bring me some peace in my heart towards my mother but this has not been the case. Since this past Easter I've been distant with my mom and avoiding her phone calls. I wanted to go to the Easter reunion since it was an opportunity to see my whole family together . whom I haven't seen in a very long time. When I told her I wanted to go she seemed awkward about it, then when I told her that I wasn't going , she said that it's best if I don't go. As of now I am completely distant from my family and never get invited to any reunions. I have found a new family with the Muslim community but it saddens me that my ties with blood family are so weak. I know that the relationship with your mother is VERY important to your life and if that relationship is strained finding happiness is very difficult. I truly envy those people who are so open with their mothers and treat them as if they are best friends. I wish I could have that but I can't open up to her since she is overly critical and gossips so much.

    Sorry for the ranting but it's therapy for me. Dua's would be very much appreciated.

    Salam

  • #2
    Re: Talking to my mom makes me depressed

    :wswrwb:

    May Allah bring compassion in your mother's heart, grant her guidance and remove rifts between you both.

    My advise would be to keep being nice to her even though she's doing all these things to you. Send her gifts :insha: as that may soften her heart.

    Have you told her openly about these things she has done to you? Maybe, she's not even aware of how you feel.

    Pray for her guidance and mercy.
    Secure few moments, everyday, to reflect upon the innumerable blessings of Allah and thank Him for bestowing them upon you.

    "A person who is blessed with the ability to be grateful, shall never be deprived of barakah and increase in blessings."
    - Rasulullah (صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم)‎

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    • #3
      Re: Talking to my mom makes me depressed

      Walaykum salam,

      Would i be right in assuming that you're a convert and your mother is not Muslim? I think difficult relationships with parents are more common than people are willing to admit but many if not most people especially Muslims become embarrassed to admit it because it can be taken the wrong way as if it's disrespectful or something.

      I get on with my mum but in spite of her many good qualities, it's been a difficult relationship to maintain. My advice to you is that if you cannot trust her enough to confide in her or talk about your personal issues, then don't confide in her and don't talk about your personal issues with her. It is not necessary for you to do that in order to have a relationship with her. If she has other good qualities then perhaps it is possible to still bond with her or maintain a relationship based on those other qualities. Find someone else to confide in if that's what you need.

      Different people have different traits, you can't assume that just cos' she's a mother, she'll be the embodiment of certain stereotypical 'maternal/nurturing' traits. For example, I know I can trust my brother when it comes to money. He's a responsible person so I'm sure if I lent him anything, he'd pay me back promptly and treat repaying the loan as a priority- but when it comes to seeking advice on a personal matter, he has no appreciation of the deen whatsoever, no understanding of my medical condition or my situation, so he's the worst person to seek advice from. I know of people where the opposite is true; I can trust their advice to be very good but wouldn't trust them so easily when it comes to money.

      I think you just need to come to terms with the fact that she has some good traits (even if they aren't the traits you specifically felt you wanted or needed from your mother) and you can still maintain some sort of bond or relationship based on that, but I think it's unrealistic to expect her to try and confide in her in the hope that one day she'll become the type of mother you want, who is worth confiding in and who wont betray your confidence- sounds like she's not that sort of person.
      The Lyme Disease pandemic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5u73ME4sVU

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      • #4
        Re: Talking to my mom makes me depressed

        Originally posted by neelu View Post
        Walaykum salam,

        Would i be right in assuming that you're a convert and your mother is not Muslim? I think difficult relationships with parents are more common than people are willing to admit but many if not most people especially Muslims become embarrassed to admit it because it can be taken the wrong way as if it's disrespectful or something.

        I get on with my mum but in spite of her many good qualities, it's been a difficult relationship to maintain. My advice to you is that if you cannot trust her enough to confide in her or talk about your personal issues, then don't confide in her and don't talk about your personal issues with her. It is not necessary for you to do that in order to have a relationship with her. If she has other good qualities then perhaps it is possible to still bond with her or maintain a relationship based on those other qualities. Find someone else to confide in if that's what you need.

        Different people have different traits, you can't assume that just cos' she's a mother, she'll be the embodiment of certain stereotypical 'maternal/nurturing' traits. For example, I know I can trust my brother when it comes to money. He's a responsible person so I'm sure if I lent him anything, he'd pay me back promptly and treat repaying the loan as a priority- but when it comes to seeking advice on a personal matter, he has no appreciation of the deen whatsoever, no understanding of my medical condition or my situation, so he's the worst person to seek advice from. I know of people where the opposite is true; I can trust their advice to be very good but wouldn't trust them so easily when it comes to money.

        I think you just need to come to terms with the fact that she has some good traits (even if they aren't the traits you specifically felt you wanted or needed from your mother) and you can still maintain some sort of bond or relationship based on that, but I think it's unrealistic to expect her to try and confide in her in the hope that one day she'll become the type of mother you want, who is worth confiding in and who wont betray your confidence- sounds like she's not that sort of person.
        Yes you are right - my mother is not muslim which has strained our relationship even more. She listens to what everyone says and thinks muslim woman are mistreated although my husband treats me much better than my abusive ex-husband who was Christian - nothing against Christian's of course , just making a point at how bias she is on religion. She let's people get into her head way too much - a few people in my family have told my mother terrible things about Muslims and she believes it. It's very annoying when your own mother trusts what other people have to say about you, your life, your beliefs, your husband, rather than trust the daughter she raised.

        You are so right - people rarely admit having bad relationships with parent's. I guess I am one of those people since I came here with this alias to speak about it and have never discussed this with anyone.

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        • #5
          Re: Talking to my mom makes me depressed

          Originally posted by .mirror. View Post
          :wswrwb:

          May Allah bring compassion in your mother's heart, grant her guidance and remove rifts between you both.

          My advise would be to keep being nice to her even though she's doing all these things to you. Send her gifts :insha: as that may soften her heart.

          Have you told her openly about these things she has done to you? Maybe, she's not even aware of how you feel.

          Pray for her guidance and mercy.
          Thank you for your advice. Gifts are a good idea. I do this sometimes and it does soften the heart. No I have not told her openly because she will repeat the conversation with other people and I would feel ashamed about it.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Talking to my mom makes me depressed

            i truly believe islam will bring peace to your heart. Although your mother isnt treating you right, she is still your mother. The advice i can give you is Kill them with kindness.

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