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How do you increase self-esteem?

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  • How do you increase self-esteem?

    Please do not say it is a lack of faith. This is something I hear a lot and it hurts me. I feel as though that is the only thing that I am good at.

    I have really low self esteem. I want to feel better about myself, but this is hard for me. I do not think there is even one thing I like about myself. I always feel very sad and I feel like I desire the acceptance of others. I do not think people tend to like me; no one really does. I feel like people do not like to speak to me; that there is something about me that leads them away. I do not speak much because I don't think anyone really cares for what I have to say anyway. I will even change what I really want to say just so that it fits what they want me to say and so they may accept me. I have never had close friends; just people I knew and we have left each other. I don't really have any friends now either. I feel like no one would want to be friends with me anyway.

    Something else that bothers me is my appearance. If one was to ask me if I think I am pretty, I would never say yes. If someone said I was, I would never believe them. With the way I feel others treat me, I relate it back to the way I look. They do not accept me, so it must be something with my face, or my body, or something like that. This is an issue that has developed over time. I have felt this way for a long time and sometimes I just cry out of sadness. I don't have one thing that I like about myself. I tend to think that I am a complete failure, that I will never be successful, no one will ever appreciate me, and that if I died no one would care and they would just move on. I feel like I mean nothing to anyone else. I took some online self esteem tests and scored very poorly on them. When I walk outside, I will never walk in a crowded area or in front of other people because I hate that they stare at me; like a busy street, I will find another way. I do not think people even like my voice; hearing me speak. I want to feel happier with who I am and everything about myself, but I don't know how to do that. I don't want to be told that this is due to lack of faith and not being grateful for what Allah has given me. If there is one thing that makes me happy, it is deen; that's all. I do not smile much either. I just have this issue that really bothers me and no one to really speak to about it.

  • #2
    Re: How do you increase self-esteem?

    I'll link something here shortly.

    Start with grabbing a pen and some plain paper and write 5 things you LOVE about yourself.

    "what 5 things do I love about myself that Allah has given me".

    لا تفكر كثيرا
    بل استغفر كثيرا

    -------------------------------------------------------
    The children need your prayers more than anyone else
    -------------------------------------------------------
    www.inheritorsofquran.wordpress.com

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: How do you increase self-esteem?

      Originally posted by F_R View Post
      I'll link something here shortly.

      Start with grabbing a pen and some plain paper and write 5 things you LOVE about yourself.

      "what 5 things do I love about myself that Allah has given me".
      5 things about myself specifically, or five things that Allah has given me? I am confused...
      It kind of would be different. I have nothing to say about myself, but I could say things to be grateful for that Allah gave me.

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: How do you increase self-esteem?

        Self esteem doesn't link to lack of faith imo. Self esteem is something related to much more public affairs whilst faith is internal and done alone.

        Rule #1 ONLY WHAT YOU THINK SHOULD MATTER

        Yup, that's the first and foremost rule to self-esteem. Now, some people might interject with faith related comments, but let's stick on topic here to public engagements right.

        You say you don't like your appearance, now I recommend you look at what you DO like. The things you don't like, list them down too. Now, you see what you do like, and a list maybe of a whole load of 'Do not like'. The way to get rid of them, is to write next to them exactly why that dislike exists. What can you DO that would make that disappear. Then my sister you look at which is the easiest dislike to get rid of, work on that and when you get rid of it, add something onto the like and move onto the next dislike.

        Try to remember something else; just because a online test tells you that you got low self esteem, that doesn't mean you can't fix it. Heck, go on ahead and punch in every single answer you think a 'confident' person has and then watch it tell you how BRILLIANT you are. Make that thing compliment you till you got a smile on your face!

        I used to get told all the time 'Why do you not smile', why do you look unhappy? It's cause I was, and sometimes having a frown on your face so long makes it look like that, and the only cure is you SMILE! :D. Not only is it sunnah, but people will look at you and smile too. Seriously, try just smiling naturally at random people and watch if most don't smile back (but keep it halal yh) and any miserable people that don't reciprocate that, smile and know people have off days too, but you gonna be HAPPY!!!!

        Friends; aaah, what a great bunch of people to have right. Truth is, I call most people 'acquaintances' and i'll keep you at arms length and slowly let you in if I feel we got a lot in common or I like your character. In fact, I can probably count my best friends on one hand. The reason is, I won't call you a best friend unless I KNOW you and me got a lot in common, get along really, really well and you would help me out of a bind. Now, to make friends, just think of what interests you have, and who you'd share opinions with. Then try and interact with such people in your day to life, but remember it's good to have your own opinion, and if you don't agree, say why you don't. Don't just change what you think because you think people want to hear you agree with them.

        You have to be a bit of a 'leader'. Thinking you're a follower doesn't build self-esteem because you're always looking for the other people to validate what you say. Don't do that. Instead build a mindset that if people don't accept what you say, that's their issue or decision and they're free to make up their mind, and you can think what you like. (again, I gotta stress this is all within boundaries of Islam for our more 'astute' members ready to jump in with objections)

        Friends wise, maybe Islamic groups might help, but if you live in the western countries, don't be afraid to interact with kaffir, they don't bit, and it'll give you opportunity to just talk like an everyday human being about your likes, dislikes and what you want to do.

        Well, that's all the self help novel I could write and disclaimers in my sig for you haters
        I write novels for posts. Beware. :mujahida:

        Ummah Forum seems pretty black and white. Was thinking of offering Skittles as Dawah to introduce a rainbow.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: How do you increase self-esteem?

          Originally posted by petals View Post
          5 things about myself specifically, or five things that Allah has given me? I am confused...
          It kind of would be different. I have nothing to say about myself, but I could say things to be grateful for that Allah gave me.
          About yourself specifically. Your looks and your personality.

          Well ultimately it's all from Allah so we shouldn't feel bad or low about ourselves because Allah created us.

          But specifically about yourself and those two things mentioned.

          لا تفكر كثيرا
          بل استغفر كثيرا

          -------------------------------------------------------
          The children need your prayers more than anyone else
          -------------------------------------------------------
          www.inheritorsofquran.wordpress.com

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: How do you increase self-esteem?

            slowly start becoming physically active. Exercise takes care of lot of problem, in which it includes self esteem and self confidence.

            You should ignore what people think about you unless it is actually important.
            "They are Shuhadaa (witnesses) to the fact that this Deen is greater than life, that values are more important than blood and that principles are more precious than souls" - Sheikh 'Abdullah Azzam

            Lost in Islamic History :inlove:

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: How do you increase self-esteem?

              Originally posted by samin62 View Post
              slowly start becoming physically active. Exercise takes care of lot of problem, in which it includes self esteem and self confidence.

              You should ignore what people think about you unless it is actually important.
              I have to also recommend exercise because it releases dopamine into your system which usually gives you positive feelings and 'energy' to do thing.
              I write novels for posts. Beware. :mujahida:

              Ummah Forum seems pretty black and white. Was thinking of offering Skittles as Dawah to introduce a rainbow.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: How do you increase self-esteem?

                Originally posted by F_R View Post
                About yourself specifically. Your looks and your personality.

                Well ultimately it's all from Allah so we shouldn't feel bad or low about ourselves because Allah created us.

                But specifically about yourself and those two things mentioned.
                I can only think of one thing. I don't really like much about myself...
                I don't "love" it; more just like it. I can't think of anything else.

                Thanks @ConstantHope for the long comment.
                Last edited by petals; 11-03-14, 01:46 AM.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: How do you increase self-esteem?

                  Originally posted by petals View Post
                  Please do not say it is a lack of faith. This is something I hear a lot and it hurts me. I feel as though that is the only thing that I am good at.

                  I have really low self esteem. I want to feel better about myself, but this is hard for me. I do not think there is even one thing I like about myself. I always feel very sad and I feel like I desire the acceptance of others. I do not think people tend to like me; no one really does. I feel like people do not like to speak to me; that there is something about me that leads them away. I do not speak much because I don't think anyone really cares for what I have to say anyway. I will even change what I really want to say just so that it fits what they want me to say and so they may accept me. I have never had close friends; just people I knew and we have left each other. I don't really have any friends now either. I feel like no one would want to be friends with me anyway.

                  Something else that bothers me is my appearance. If one was to ask me if I think I am pretty, I would never say yes. If someone said I was, I would never believe them. With the way I feel others treat me, I relate it back to the way I look. They do not accept me, so it must be something with my face, or my body, or something like that. This is an issue that has developed over time. I have felt this way for a long time and sometimes I just cry out of sadness. I don't have one thing that I like about myself. I tend to think that I am a complete failure, that I will never be successful, no one will ever appreciate me, and that if I died no one would care and they would just move on. I feel like I mean nothing to anyone else. I took some online self esteem tests and scored very poorly on them. When I walk outside, I will never walk in a crowded area or in front of other people because I hate that they stare at me; like a busy street, I will find another way. I do not think people even like my voice; hearing me speak. I want to feel happier with who I am and everything about myself, but I don't know how to do that. I don't want to be told that this is due to lack of faith and not being grateful for what Allah has given me. If there is one thing that makes me happy, it is deen; that's all. I do not smile much either. I just have this issue that really bothers me and no one to really speak to about it.
                  People tend to be attracted towards people that display confidence and happiness. If you're having all these negative thoughts then you probably won't attract a lot of friends. You have to work on your happiness and once that comes around you will be able to smell the flowers. Get involved in activities that you really enjoy, do charity work, help people when ever you have the opportunity- doing things for others is very rewarding and you will feel good about this, read a good book, watch a funny movie, plan for your career. The first step is to snap out of this negative attitude about yourself. I think people accuse you of having a lack of faith because you are not dealing with this situation in an Islamic way. A true Muslim is confident, strong, happy and emotionally stable.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: How do you increase self-esteem?

                    Salaam Sister
                    First and foremost you must accept who you are as a person before anyone else can. You said your deen makes you happy, could you not leave all your worries to God and be brave and talk to people with a smile. Remember this world is not our final destination. Please look at it as a means/tools of achieving your dunya goals. We don't need a lot of friends to validate us. You don't need to change yourself for anyone. Be yourself. Do what makes you happy within halal means. I hope you understand that you don't need to please anyone but god. May Allah make it easy for you. Ameen
                    "Try to distance yourself from everything that causes you worry and sadness, so that you may always live with peace of mind and an open and tranquil heart, seeking Allah and His worship and working on your worldly and otherworldly matters, for if you try this, you will find rest.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: How do you increase self-esteem?

                      :salams

                      By learning to love Allah Azza Wa Jalla, you will learn to love yourself :insha:

                      They want to extinguish the light of Allah with their mouths, but Allah will perfect His light, although the disbelievers dislike it (61 : 8)

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: How do you increase self-esteem?

                        Originally posted by Zahira13 View Post
                        People tend to be attracted towards people that display confidence and happiness. If you're having all these negative thoughts then you probably won't attract a lot of friends. You have to work on your happiness and once that comes around you will be able to smell the flowers. Get involved in activities that you really enjoy, do charity work, help people when ever you have the opportunity- doing things for others is very rewarding and you will feel good about this, read a good book, watch a funny movie, plan for your career. The first step is to snap out of this negative attitude about yourself. I think people accuse you of having a lack of faith because you are not dealing with this situation in an Islamic way. A true Muslim is confident, strong, happy and emotionally stable.
                        Originally posted by F_R View Post
                        I'll link something here shortly.

                        Start with grabbing a pen and some plain paper and write 5 things you LOVE about yourself.

                        "what 5 things do I love about myself that Allah has given me".
                        ^ Agree with above posts. You can't stop disliking yourself unless you change your attitude. A very simple goal to set is, each day, pick something about that day which is lovely. The sky, the weather, how you red dress looks on you, that nice cake you made this afternoon, your very well-thought diary entry; something - anything - positive.

                        Most women these days hate their physical appearance, thanks to magazines and models. You should realize that other people aren't as critical about your appearance as you are. I mean some jerks like to tease, but just ignore them. They would tease even if you looked like a hur. I agree with the exercise bit. I'm sure you are already pretty, but just doing exercise itself increases confidence and improves your mood. Exercise two or three times a week and as your body tightens up so will your self-image. It's psychological.

                        It sounds silly, but what I do is say I AM AWESOME whenever someone insults me. It really works. I mean there is nothing more encouraging to me than convincing my cousins I really do think I'm the most amazing person on earth :D. If one says an insult I'll just reply about how awesome I am and how his opinion is irrelevant lol. This false confidence I display actually does cheer me up and it cheers people up around me because it gets them to laugh.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: How do you increase self-esteem?

                          Originally posted by petals View Post
                          I can only think of one thing. I don't really like much about myself...
                          I don't "love" it; more just like it. I can't think of anything else.

                          Thanks @ConstantHope for the long comment.
                          You do. It'll take some time maybe a little longer but there are a lot of things you love about yourself you just gotta focus on them and remember.

                          لا تفكر كثيرا
                          بل استغفر كثيرا

                          -------------------------------------------------------
                          The children need your prayers more than anyone else
                          -------------------------------------------------------
                          www.inheritorsofquran.wordpress.com

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: How do you increase self-esteem?

                            We have to find that voice that tells us you are a believer, a muslim, a slave of Allah. Alhamdullilah :)

                            This is what gives us true strength and contentment

                            We are not here to please others but only to please Allah swt. So don't worry what others think. Allah swt will take care of the rest we just need to be grateful. He promises if we are thankful he will increase us.

                            Know that Allah swt has blessed us all with so much and that we should be content with what we have. He knows what is best for us and we do not.

                            Also remember the affair of the believer is always good. When good comes his way he is grateful and when he is faced with difficulty he is patient. Both of which bring good.

                            like others have said surround yourself with good company, those who remind u of Allah swt and to do good. True friends are those who accept u for who you are.

                            Make lots of dua asking Allah swt for strength and peace of mind.

                            Hope this helps sis <3
                            "Do not get attached to what will not stay with you, get closer to The One Who never leaves you"
                            (Ibn Al-Qayyim)

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: How do you increase self-esteem?

                              :salams

                              I used to suffer from very bad self esteem. The 3 things that helped me with it were 1) to think of myself and talk to myself like I was my own daughter. <--- this one has helped the most. I have a daughter and found so much to love about her :masha: that I realized that I have some of the same qualities that I loved about her. I also realized that the things I would say to myself and the things I thought about myself were things I would never say to my daughter or ever want her to think or feel about herself. And given how low my self esteem was, I would never have been able to list even 1 good thing about myself and found myself unworthy of everything and everyone.

                              2) to be grateful to Allah about what I do have. I might not be the most beautiful woman in the world but :alhumdull I'm "ok" and grateful for how I look as it could be worse. I'm also grateful for my health and mental abilities. :alhumdull When we look at those who are less fortunate in any area it reminds us of what we do have that's good.

                              3) stay busy and focus on accomplishing thing for this life and the hereafter. Rather than putting focus on appearance or how others respond, I do better and feel better when I'm busy. I like to set goals for myself and achieve them. Even if I don't it's usually because I'm too busy doing other things. And when I'm doing that much the only time really have to think about my self esteem, appearance, or how others might think of me is right before I fall asleep. And then it's over in a matter of minutes because I'm asleep. lol

                              Sister, have you been able to seek counseling yet for the difficulties you've talked about? I think that would help as well. I don't know you, but you seem like a very nice sister who has been through a lot but also has a lot to offer. With time and healing you will have a more fulfilling and happy life :insha: .

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