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  • Role adaptations of women

    I just like to know do women have a problem adjusting to the role of being a wife? I mean they don't seem so complicated as mother, sister or daughter, but as wife it's a whole new level, is this adjustment too much for them to handle? do they just lose their composure and go overboard, does it bring out the worst in them?

    I probably sound like someone obessessed with the opposite gender but I am not, just trying to figure out some complexities. I dislike many attributes I see in women associated with this role not to say there aren't any in other roles but most seem to be concentrated here, discuss

  • #2
    Re: Role adaptations of women

    does intimacy cause confustion? do they think they are giving up far too much for to little in return? especially muslim women who have safeguarded their chastity, do they expect much more in return for this "favour"?

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Role adaptations of women

      You over thinking it, honestly.

      I don't know what women you have observed as ''wives'' or maybe you have read/heard of horror stories.

      Whatever the case is, I know many wives and believe me they basically sacrifice their happiness for their husband's.

      There are a few women who may struggle to adjust to the role of being a wife but I think and from what I see the majority adjust fine.

      And I don't get your last sentence. Intimacy is part of marriage. it is not a favour and should never be seen as one smh.
      Last edited by Rebel101; 13-01-14, 10:31 AM.
      Gone with the wind.

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Role adaptations of women

        Originally posted by Rebel101 View Post
        You over thinking it, honestly.

        I don't know what women you have observed as ''wives'' or maybe you have read/heard of horror stories.

        Whatever the case is, I know many wives and believe when I tell you they basically sacrifice their happiness for their husband's.

        There are a few women who may struggle to adjust to the role of being a wife but I think and from what I see the majority adjust fine.

        And I don't get your last sentence. Intimacy is part of marriage. it is not a favour and should never be seen as one smh.
        I will be very honest, I have not seen many, in arguments some women bring that up, "I have given you my everything, body and soul" bla, bla, bla

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Role adaptations of women

          Originally posted by Virus View Post
          I will be very honest, I have not seen many, in arguments some women bring that up, "I have given you my everything, body and soul" bla, bla, bla
          Talk about an overly dramatic and immature response lol.
          I've witnessed that line being thrown around when haram relationships break up but never following a divorce.
          Gone with the wind.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Role adaptations of women

            Originally posted by Rebel101 View Post
            Talk about an overly dramatic and immature response lol.
            I've witnessed that line being thrown around when haram relationships break up but never following a divorce.
            very immature, you should keep yourself chaste for the pleasure of Allah, not some husband which might never exist, I recall hearing it somewhere, some women speaking about how much they do for their husbands lol

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Role adaptations of women

              I personally feel it's because the role of husband and wife has changed dramatically over the years. At one stage, women needed men to be their protector and provider. They were happy to be the housewife and to find their fulfilment and emotional needs met by their girlfriends, their nuclear and their extended families. The man was very busy providing for them and he left the affairs of the home in the capable hands of his wife.

              Today, the wife wants her husband to help meet her emotional needs. As society has become more nuclear family orientated, her support system is disapperating. Now, her emotional well being is linked to more than just having a husband.. it's on the way she perceives that husband. .. and how much of her emotional needs he is able to meet for her.

              In the sunnah and the Qur'an the rights of a woman and a man will supply all their needs. It's interesting that the man is told to ensure his wife is surrounded by good sisters. I used to think that this was to ensure she was influenced by the right people.. and I still think that is probably the primary reason for that command.. yet I see a dimension that current writers on relationships like Dr John Gray of "Mars and Venus" books explains so well in his books. Women today are looking at their husbands to provide for them what living in community with their "sisters" around them used to provide for them. In her own home growing up, she had her sisters and her mum, no doubt also her aunties etc and in those relationships her emotional well being was maintained. She never expected her husband to give her emotional support.. and this is true whether she was in England in the victorian era where many men worked long long hours in the coal mines.. or in the USA where men left their women folk to go and find land and settle (and this was true in Australia) as well.

              The women dealt with it because they had each other.. and Dr Gray suggests.. and I agree with him.. a woman must find her happiness again outside her marriage and bring that happiness into the marriage. It is very unfair to expect a man, who uses different sides of his brain to her, to fulfil her emotional needs. He just can't do it. He is wired physically .. and for some women, .. for most women.. intimacy is wrapped up in emotions.. she becomes emotionally dependent on her husband during physical intimacy. This is Allah's way of connecting her to her husband. When he doesn't provide that emotional support she is craving that helps her feel good about herself, about him and life and the universe.. she reacts.

              In the past, it wasn't noticed.. why? because she was emotionally dependent on him for only a small part of her overall happiness. Her happiness did not rely on him making her happy. Today, this is not the case. .. Women rely on being in a happy marriage to produce their own happiness. .. and this is where the problems begin.. and because men don't realise this.. they also contribute greatly to her problems in often very cruel ways.

              The solution.. sisters.. Allah has provided you with great ways to feel good about yourself outside your marriage. ..Lower your expectations for emotional happiness coming from your husband and seek it outside the marriage relationship and then share that happiness with your husband. He will feel great because he will see a happy wife, and nothing creates "happiness' in a man than feeling he has a happy wife and a happy marriage. It drives him to do more and more for her. Allah has placed hormones in a woman called "feel good hormones'.. he has put them in men too, but they are linked to the female sex hormone oestrogen. The more you do to look after yourself, the more endorphin and oestrogen is produced and the better you feel about yourself.

              A walk will produce it, talking for hours with sisters will produce it (and husbands this is why she wants to talk to you for hours.. it produces her feel good hormones), exercise produces it, a long bath produces it, reading a good book produces it... and doing too much.. trying to do too much for your children, in your work life etc etc will diminish it. .. no woman will not be affected if she is caring for many children and the house and working outside the home as well. (and living up to her husbands expectations will also diminish it if he is not caring and thoughtful in his interactions with her).

              Brothers do you see .. Help your wife to find her happiness and she will make you very happy. Ignore her need for happiness and time to take care of herself emotionally and she will become less responsive to you..

              Remember she is the bent rib and needs to be handled gently. This is why you are told that the best of men, are those who are kind to their wives. Understanding her needs and making sure they are provided for.. will help your needs be provided for in ways you have never understood. .. insha'Allah.

              and remember.. in the end.. it's Allah sWT who places the love between you and creates mates for you to live with in tranquility..
              Last edited by carol_au; 13-01-14, 10:54 AM.
              .
              http://jameelah61.wordpress.com/

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Role adaptations of women

                Originally posted by carol_au View Post
                I personally feel it's because the role of husband and wife has changed dramatically over the years. At one stage, women needed men to be their protector and provider. They were happy to be the housewife and to find their fulfilment and emotional needs met by their girlfriends, their nuclear and their extended families. The man was very busy providing for them and he left the affairs of the home in the capable hands of his wife.

                Today, the wife wants her husband to help meet her emotional needs. As society has become more nuclear family orientated, her support system is disapperating. Now, her emotional well being is linked to more than just having a husband.. it's on the way she perceives that husband. .. and how much of her emotional needs he is able to meet for her.

                In the sunnah and the Qur'an the rights of a woman and a man will supply all their needs. It's interesting that the man is told to ensure his wife is surrounded by good sisters. I used to think that this was to ensure she was influenced by the right people.. and I still think that is probably the primary reason for that command.. yet I see a dimension that current writers on relationships like Dr John Gray of "Mars and Venus" books explains so well in his books. Women today are looking at their husbands to provide for them what living in community with their "sisters" around them used to provide for them. In her own home growing up, she had her sisters and her mum, no doubt also her aunties etc and in those relationships her emotional well being was maintained. She never expected her husband to give her emotional support.. and this is true whether she was in England in the victorian era where many men worked long long hours in the coal mines.. or in the USA where men left their women folk to go and find land and settle (and this was true in Australia) as well.

                The women dealt with it because they had each other.. and Dr Gray suggests.. and I agree with him.. a woman must find her happiness again outside her marriage and bring that happiness into the marriage. It is very unfair to expect a man, who uses different sides of his brain to her, to fulfil her emotional needs. He just can't do it. He is wired physically .. and for some women, .. for most women.. intimacy is wrapped up in emotions.. she becomes emotionally dependent on her husband during physical intimacy. This is Allah's way of connecting her to her husband. When he doesn't provide that emotional support she is craving that helps her feel good about herself, about him and life and the universe.. she reacts.

                In the past, it wasn't noticed.. why? because she was emotionally dependent on him for only a small part of her overall happiness. Her happiness did not rely on him making her happy. Today, this is not the case. .. Women rely on being in a happy marriage to produce their own happiness. .. and this is where the problems begin.. and because men don't realise this.. they also contribute greatly to her problems in often very cruel ways.

                The solution.. sisters.. Allah has provided you with great ways to feel good about yourself outside your marriage. ..Lower your expectations for emotional happiness coming from your husband and seek it outside the marriage relationship and then share that happiness with your husband. He will feel great because he will see a happy wife, and nothing creates "happiness' in a man than feeling he has a happy wife and a happy marriage. It drives him to do more and more for her. Allah has placed hormones in a woman called "feel good hormones'.. he has put them in men too, but they are linked to the female sex hormone oestrogen. The more you do to look after yourself, the more endorphin and oestrogen is produced and the better you feel about yourself.

                A walk will produce it, talking for hours with sisters will produce it (and husbands this is why she wants to talk to you for hours.. it produces her feel good hormones), exercise produces it, a long bath produces it, reading a good book produces it... and doing too much.. trying to do too much for your children, in your work life etc etc will diminish it. .. no woman will not be affected if she is caring for many children and the house and working outside the home as well.

                Brothers do you see .. Help your wife to find her happiness and she will make you very happy. Ignore her need for happiness and time to take care of herself emotionally and she will become less responsive to you..

                Remember she is the bent rib and needs to be handled gently. This is why you are told that the best of men, are those who are kind to their wives. Understanding her needs and making sure they are provided for.. will help your needs be provided for in ways you have never understood. .. insha'Allah.

                and remember.. in the end.. it's Allah sWT who places the love between you and creates mates for you to live with in tranquility..
                wow, the top bit made a lot of sense, I lost it in the bottom part

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Role adaptations of women

                  Originally posted by Virus View Post
                  wow, the top bit made a lot of sense, I lost it in the bottom part
                  Simply restated.

                  1. Wives need to find time to self care EVERY DAY
                  2. Husbands need to help their wife find time to self care MANY TIMES each day.

                  the bottom bit about the bent rib is from the Qur'an and is from this quote

                  The Prophet said: (Bukhaari & Muslim).

                  and interestingly .. a quote from one of the early Muslim leaders Umah RA

                  , may Allaah be pleased with him, said: "A man should be like a child with his wife, happy and easy going, but when he sits with men, he should act as they do."

                  Men really are from Mars and Women from Venus..

                  Even our Prophet Muhammad played games with his wives and took time every day to spend time with them...

                  I wrote about this recently on my blog.. http://jameelah61.wordpress.com/2013...gotten-sunnah/
                  .
                  http://jameelah61.wordpress.com/

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Role adaptations of women

                    Sister, how does polygamy benefit? Do you mean the wives get the emotional support from each other rather than from husband?
                    Would that not have to depend on the wives though and how well they adapt to polygamy?
                    For example, some co-wives are jealous of each other, want nothing to do with each other and are constantly competing for husband's attention/time with one another.
                    Gone with the wind.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Role adaptations of women

                      Originally posted by carol_au View Post
                      Simply restated.

                      1. Wives need to find time to self care EVERY DAY
                      2. Husbands need to help their wife find time to self care MANY TIMES each day.

                      the bottom bit about the bent rib is from the Qur'an and is from this quote

                      The Prophet said: (Bukhaari & Muslim).

                      and interestingly .. a quote from one of the early Muslim leaders Umah RA

                      , may Allaah be pleased with him, said: "A man should be like a child with his wife, happy and easy going, but when he sits with men, he should act as they do."

                      Men really are from Mars and Women from Venus..

                      Even our Prophet Muhammad played games with his wives and took time every day to spend time with them...

                      I wrote about this recently on my blog.. http://jameelah61.wordpress.com/2013...gotten-sunnah/
                      but sometimes we just don't have time, atleast not as much is demanded then what?

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Role adaptations of women

                        Originally posted by Virus View Post
                        but sometimes we just don't have time, atleast not as much is demanded then what?
                        Be sensitive.. you notice I left the husband's contribution till the end... all he needs to do is provide her with 10 percent of his attention to top up the happiness she is experiencing in other parts of her life.. she feels 100 percent happy but he has only provided directly with 10 percent .. yet can take credit for the other 90 percent as well as his wife will shower her "happiness" on him. .. just make sure you spread it out and don't give it all in one go.. that doesn't work.

                        Try it if you are married..

                        I love the way John Gray describes it .. he says.. and girls you'll agree with me insha'Allah.. a husband can come home with the most beautiful bouquet of roses for his wife. Maybe he spent hundreds of pounds/dollars on it and he feels really good when he hands it to her... She responds with so much love and appreciation.. and for a day or two they are both living in a world of happiness in the home.

                        A few days later.. he forgets to bring home the milk she asked him to buy.. he is greeted at the door with "you never do anything for me".. no..she doesn't have a short memory.. but you have just undone all the good work you did only two days ago.. why? because she needed that milk for dinner or breakfast the next day and it's on her mind... plus, she probably asked you to take out the garbage that morning and you went to work and though you intended to carry it out.. you forgot as you were thinking of the meeting at 9am that was so important.

                        John Gray points out men are better off buying one rose a day and giving it to their wives rather than a whole bunch .. as his wife will see a daily visual picture of his love and care in ways she can relate to. If he forgets to take out the garbage or bring home the milk, she still has her "rose".. I think you understand where I am coming from? Women don't take much to make them love and appreciate the efforts of their man.. but they need constant reassurance of it and practical demonstrations may speak much louder than just saying "I love you".. though that is important as well.

                        BTW.. great book on this subject is "the Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. Although a Christian Book.. it's being widely quoted a Muslim marriage seminars now.. very practical and makes great sense..
                        .
                        http://jameelah61.wordpress.com/

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Role adaptations of women

                          Originally posted by carol_au View Post
                          Be sensitive.. you notice I left the husband's contribution till the end... all he needs to do is provide her with 10 percent of his attention to top up the happiness she is experiencing in other parts of her life.. she feels 100 percent happy but he has only provided directly with 10 percent .. yet can take credit for the other 90 percent as well as his wife will shower her "happiness" on him. .. just make sure you spread it out and don't give it all in one go.. that doesn't work.

                          Try it if you are married..

                          I love the way John Gray describes it .. he says.. and girls you'll agree with me insha'Allah.. a husband can come home with the most beautiful bouquet of roses for his wife. Maybe he spent hundreds of pounds/dollars on it and he feels really good when he hands it to her... She responds with so much love and appreciation.. and for a day or two they are both living in a world of happiness in the home.

                          A few days later.. he forgets to bring home the milk she asked him to buy.. he is greeted at the door with "you never do anything for me".. no..she doesn't have a short memory.. but you have just undone all the good work you did only two days ago.. why? because she needed that milk for dinner or breakfast the next day and it's on her mind... plus, she probably asked you to take out the garbage that morning and you went to work and though you intended to carry it out.. you forgot as you were thinking of the meeting at 9am that was so important.

                          John Gray points out men are better off buying one rose a day and giving it to their wives rather than a whole bunch .. as his wife will see a daily visual picture of his love and care in ways she can relate to. If he forgets to take out the garbage or bring home the milk, she still has her "rose".. I think you understand where I am coming from? Women don't take much to make them love and appreciate the efforts of their man.. but they need constant reassurance of it and practical demonstrations may speak much louder than just saying "I love you".. though that is important as well.

                          BTW.. great book on this subject is "the Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. Although a Christian Book.. it's being widely quoted a Muslim marriage seminars now.. very practical and makes great sense..
                          it's what I hate most about marriage, all this sucking up, like there is nothing more to life, nothing more important, I hate it, I absolutely do, I think it's wrong for someone to demand so much devotion from another, it just doesn't seem right, a rose everyday, constantly thinking about ways to make her happy, always put her "first" I mean what about the husband?

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: Role adaptations of women

                            ,,,
                            Last edited by Ridwaaan; 13-01-14, 12:17 PM.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: Role adaptations of women

                              Originally posted by Rebel101 View Post
                              Sister, how does polygamy benefit? Do you mean the wives get the emotional support from each other rather than from husband?
                              Would that not have to depend on the wives though and how well they adapt to polygamy?
                              For example, some co-wives are jealous of each other, want nothing to do with each other and are constantly competing for husband's attention/time with one another.
                              I guess the way I view polygyny is that my Lord has said that EVERYTHING that happens to a Muslim is good for them. I look at the example of the Prophet's wives and yes, they were jealous, but they found so much good in their relationships with each other.. no one could say they didn't see polygyny as good for them. I see them helping each other, ganging up on each other, spending time with the Prophet with each other.. do you know what Sawda (one of my favourite wives) did.. she not only helped to raise the Prophet's children by Khadijah RA after she died.. she also looked after Aisha RA as well. http://jameelah61.wordpress.com/2010...the-believers/

                              We are so quick to condemn polygyny .. but I wonder sometimes if it isn't because of the way the wife is so possessive of her husband .. she doesn't want to share him, because in that relationship she finds so much of her emotional strength.. and when a divorce happens.. she sees it as a failure.she sees herself as a failure.... yet this was never the case with the Prophet's wives.. or indeed those of Umar or any of the Caliphs or the sahaba (may Allah be pleased with them all). .

                              Polygyny is always seen as something that benefits a man.. it's his right etc etc.. yet polygyny is meant to benefit women not men. I wouldn't want to be a man in polygyny.. subhanAllah.. the responsibiilty on him is so great and has eternal ramifications if he doesn't do it right. Men playfully say they have trouble dealing with one wife, let alone four.. so this shows me, that if done correctly .. the real winners in Polgyny should be women.. not men... so why isn't it?

                              Now this will become a polgyny discussion :) .. please don't let it. insha'Allah.
                              Last edited by carol_au; 13-01-14, 12:31 PM.
                              .
                              http://jameelah61.wordpress.com/

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