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I am unsure of my islamic duties and need help (long post)

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  • I am unsure of my islamic duties and need help (long post)

    Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa baraukatu,
    I am 18/male and currently mapping out my life. Looking at my past, improving my present, and planning for my future. Everyday is an improvement, mashallah, However, there is something that has been on my mind alot lately, moreso than ever. Because of the nature of this question and my lack of knowledge of islam, I have decided that I need an outside opinion(s). I apologize if I am unclear as I have been feeling rather "scatter-brained" lately. To put it simply, my question is: What is my obligation to my father? This seems to be a simple question, but for me it is not. I ask that you read this post in its entirety before responding as these answers are important. I hope this doesnt come off as feminine or emotional like a girl with "daddy issues", there is no hate here, only confusion about my responsibilities. If anything wrong or offensive has been said on my part it is out of ignorance not malice.

    I have lost a lot of respect for my father as a man, parent, and muslim. My mom is black and christian and my dad is iranian and muslim. I was raised by my mom as a christian but because of my curiosity about religion at a young age, I saw a vast difference between what was practiced and what was preached. I stopped going to church as soon as I was given the option (14) and I never allowed myself to be baptized, I even proved to the pastor that baptism is not necessary. My first Quran was not given to me by my dad but by a young jewish woman, one of my middleschool teachers. I began looking at other religious texts and I was drawn to islam because it is unaltered.

    The reason I have lost respect for my dad as a man is that he has never offered to provide any financial support to my mom. I have seen her struggle, working from 8 am to at least 6pm, if she has a project at work, she may be there until 10 pm for weeks even months. She comes home stressed, then will have to cook for my older brother and I. I have seen him curse her badly so I know he has said worse when i was not around. Maybe he felts he could treat her that way because they never married. Despite this, my mom has not filed any child support on him, she is very strong and independent, moved out of her parents house at 18 and put herself through college. She has managed to pay off her house and car. He is capable of support as he owns multiple homes (used to flip houses) and collects rent on them and he showers his new wife from Iran with gifts, and things of the nature. I understand that he and my mother are no longer a couple so gift giving would be strange, but he could at least offer some support, relieve some burden.He also talks about her family behind their back and when we talk, he attributes my every flaw and weakness to her side of the family and says that most of what I do that is good comes from him and his side although I've never been to Iran to meet his family. He once bragged to me that he had business with an old woman and before he went into her home he asked her to remove her small dog, she refused to do so because it was harmless, the dog at one point bit into his jean and with his other foor he kicked it once and killed it. How do you brag about killing an old womans dog? To me, it seems that he has done everything wrong to my mom except for hitting her and that he is not what a man should be. I realize that these problems are nothing compared to a woman being beaten or raped.

    I have lost respect for my dad as a parent because he never taught me islam. He stopped visiting when I was maybe 8, even though he lived only 10 minutes away literally. I would call him and he would not pick up the phone. When he did, he would say "ok I will come pick you up" and never show. Or he would say" I'll call you back later" and never call back. He had money from flipping houses and his own house was paid off so he did not have a job or work to go to. He would spend much of his time at a gas station up the street from my house playing a slot machine or in a bingo house. The worst/funniest part is that the machines have a label on them saying "these do not give money". I know this, because on the few occasions we did spend time together, he would take me to the gas station and I'd watch him play the slot till dark and If i was bored, he may let me play. Whenever I had a dentist/doctor appointment or I needed to be picked up from school for some reason my mom left her job to get me even though he has free time at home or at the machine. lol i remember I once missed my bus and he actually came to get me but he was so mad, he thought I was playing around and missed it. My mom told me that he's always been negligent though since my infancy. He also has a dual personality, after much research, Ive come to know that many Iranians have a public and private personality. For example, we once went somewhere with another iranian family and all the kids took a picture, we were ages 6-10. I didnt want to smile because I wasnt happy at the time and i knew it would seem forced and my teeth are relatively crooked. But he asked that I smile, so I did. After the picture he pulled me aside and scolded me for having an ugly smile. He snaps on the slightest things. I remember him kicking me out of his car because I said "hey dad" but I didnt even know that was bad, I heard him say hey all the time and ppl said it to him. You'd think I said "yo daddio" or something. In short, I've been cursed out for asking for a sip of soda, speaking too loud when he couldnt hear me and speaking too low because i didnt want to speak too loud again and other minor things. As a child I always wanted to go to Iran and see my family, every year I'd get the same promise that this was the year I'd spend summer there, lol still dont have my passport. He says its a money thing yet my stepmom goes back and forth frequently. Whenever I did go to his house, he'd spend most of his day out of the house (presumably at the slots) and i'd be there with my stepmom. Now I only see him at the masjid and when we meet he tells me that he doesnt want me to go because i have to take the bus in a bad part of town, but if this is true, why not offer a ride ( he passes my house on the way there)? The only reason that he stopped neglecting me and began answering my calls and such is because he realized his wife is barren and cannot have children, however, there is little love in my heart toward him. No hate though. I just don't trust him when he speaks. When we talk, I usually just say whatever will please him because I dont want to be disrespectful so much of our relationship is a fraud. I realize none of this compares to a man beating or raping a child.

    I lost respect for him as a muslim because of what is previously mentioned among other things. the biggest is his hypocrisy, backbiting, and racism. He gambles, smokes, used to eat pork, engaged in many haram relationships, curses openly, fails as a parent and man and lies frequently . The gambling is the bingo playing and slots. The smoking is multiple packs ( i hope he can quit and I understand its difficult), before his new wife came, he ate ribs and pork chops frequently. The haram relationship obviously is not marrying my mom but she and my uncles (my dads friends) told me that he used to be a player. He curses openly, the big ones. Ive already explained what i feel is his failure as a parent and man. Now all of this would not be such a big deal but he constantly criticizes others for this stuff making it hypocrisy. and his favorite group to criticize it blacks. he says blacks curse too much and should call each other mother**** in a friendly way but he says it all the time in a bad angry way. He says blacks are bad fathers and dont support their women. He says blacks have poor health from pork and smoking. he says blacks are poor because money is spent in the wrong place (he gambles). He says blacks have aids from too much sex (used to be a player). Whenever he gets mad at a black person, whether its Obama or his neighbor, he calls them either a nig*** or a mother**** nig***. he says that the word is not against black ppl but just means ignorant yet he only uses it for blacks, ive never heard him call bush or cheney a nig*** but that is obamas name. This racism wouldnt be a big deal to me if it wasnt in front of my stepmom though, I feel like because she is new to America she is impressionable and he is making her feel like all blacks are disgusting ppl. Once we were in a car and a cop was arresting a black man, he immediatly said "oh he probably caught him with crack". Does he not know that Iran has a huge heroin problem perepetuated by US presence in afghanistan and that crack came to blacks by the US government? He backbites alot, like I said he talks ill of my moms family but never complains of his own. Even his own friends, recently a friend of his heard him talking behind his back because his phone was on and he didnt know it, he heard him cursing him and expressing his true feeling. once on eid ul fitr, he spoke ill of one of my friends dads while we were both in the car going to eat. Hes rude to every waiter except the ones at middle eastern restaurants.

    After reading this, please answer me:Is any of his behaviour toward my mom and I sunnah or islamic by any means? I mean are there hadiths or rulings that I just dont know about that justify his behaviour (serious question)? Am I blowing this out of proportion? What are my obligations toward my father? Should I continue to fake it, try to actually build something, tell him that theres nothing there anymore, what? Also, how would I marry with no wali? He said he wanted me to marry an Iranian cousin but this is another lie because I have not touched paperwork for a passport and I speak little farsi.
    Once again, there is no hate here, I am not in an emotional crisis or near suicide, I'm just unsure of my islamic duties in this situation.
    My apologies if in writing this I have misrepresented or spoken ill of him. This is why i havent gone to an imam because I want to maintain anonymity.
    Thank you, brothers and sisters.

  • #2
    Re: I am unsure of my islamic duties and need help (long post)

    In short no, his behaviour is not justified and he has failed in many, many duties. I will list them later if no one beats me to it. Here are some :

    The Prophet Muhammad said: "O people! Your God is one and your forefather (Adam) is one. An Arab is not better than a non-Arab and a non-Arab is not better than an Arab, and a red (i.e. white tinged with red) person is not better than a black person and a black person is not better than a red person, except in piety."
    Narrated in Mosnad Ahmad, #22978
    "Take care! Each of you is a shepherd and each of you shall be asked concerning his flock; a leader is a shepherd of his people, and he shall be asked concerning his flock; and a man is a shepherd of the people of his house, and he shall be asked concerning his flock; and a woman is a shepherd of the house of her husband and over their children, and she shall be asked concerning them.” [Al-Bukhaari and Muslim]
    It is related that a man once came to ‘Umar ibn Al-Khattaab, the second Khaleefah (Caliph) of Islam may Allaah be pleased with him complaining of his sons’ disobedience to him. ‘Umar summoned the boy and spoke of his disobedience to his father and his neglect of his rights. The boy replied: "O Ameer al-Mu’mineen (Prince of believers)! Hasn’t a child rights over his father?”
    "Certainly”, replied ‘Umar.
    "What are they, Ameer al-Mu’mineen?”
    "That he should choose his mother, give him a good name and teach him the Book (the Quran).”
    "O Ameer al-Mu’mineen! My father did nothing of this. My mother was a Magian (fire worshipper). He gave me the name of Julalaan (meaning dung beetle or scarab) and he did not teach me a single letter of the Quran.”
    Turning to the father, ‘Umar may Allaah be pleased with him said: "You have come to me to complain about the disobedience of your son. You have failed in your duty to him before he has failed in his duty to you; you have done wrong to him before he has wronged you.”
    The Prophet Allah's Peace and blessings be upon him said: " Backbiting is a worse sin than adultery." It is further explained in a saying of the Prophet Allah's Peace and blessings be upon him , narrated by Abu Sa'eed and Jubair in Bayhaqi: "Allah may forgive a person if he repents after committing adultery. However, Allah will not forgive the one who backbites, till his victim forgives him."
    Abu Musa al-Ash'ari relates that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said: "Allah created Adam from a handful taken from all over the Earth. Therefore, the descendants of Adam came forth corresponding to the Earth. Some are red, some are white, and some are black, and some are intermediate between those. Some are easygoing, some are difficult, some are bad, and some are good."
    The hadith is related by al-Tirmidhi (2955) and Abu Dawud (4693). It is declared authentic by al-Albani and others.
    Allah says: "And among His Signs is the creation of the heavens and the earth, and the variations in your languages and your colors: verily in that are Signs for those who know." [Surah al-Rum: 22]
    "That he should feed her whenever he eats and cloth her whenever he clothes himself, that he not hit her face, that he not call her ugly and that he not boycott her except within the house." Ibn Majah
    Upon the father (of a child) is the mothers' provision and their clothing according to what is acceptable. Qur'an 2:233
    As for your duties :

    On the authority of Abu Saeed Al-Khurdari, who said: I heard the messenger of Allah say: "Whosoever of you sees an evil action, let him change it with his hand; and if he is not able to do so, then with his tongue; and if he is not able to do so, then with his heart; and that is the weakest of faith." Related by Muslim.
    You can question him on his behaviour, though I doubt it will help. He is a bad influence on you and your mother. Approach and Imam and see what he says. Divorce is an option. It would be best if you all left him.

    And :

    Ra-Ra-Rasputin
    Russia's greatest love machine
    It was a shame how he carried on
    Last edited by Nulbreaker; 01-01-14, 09:35 PM.
    "We cast the truth against the falsehood, so that it breaks its head, and lo! it vanishes; and woe to you for what you describe." Qur'an 21:18

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: I am unsure of my islamic duties and need help (long post)

      Oh dear. I'm sorry for your situation brother. Please though, take a moment to really and truly feel blessed. Allah guided you to Islam while your only Muslim parent was an extremely bad example of a Muslim.
      The answers to your questions -
      There is absolutely no islamic, either quranic or in the sunnah, justification for the way that he behaves towards your mother and you. You are not blowing this out of proportion because as far as I can tell you don't sound like you're seething with hate and resentment. Which would just be harmful to your own health and peace of mind really. He does and has done many haraam things from what you say.

      Your obligations to your father are that you treat him with respect. That you do not cut off ties with him. In Islam even if your parents are non-Muslim you are required to treat them with respect and honor. However, of course do not obey him in anything that goes against Islam. So I would say, continue to do what you've been doing but cut the fakeness. Just be pleasant and civil. Show him respect and try to show him that you are a practicing Muslim now. Maybe, in sha Allah you could actually influence him to become a better Muslim himself and hence a better father.

      You are very fortunate that you are a male so you don't have to worry about things like him being your wali for marriage etc. That's only an issue for girls. As a man you don't need his permission or blessing or anything to marry someone.
      May Allah bless you with a happy fulfilling relationship with your father and may He guide your father to the straight path.

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: I am unsure of my islamic duties and need help (long post)

        Originally posted by Nulbreaker View Post
        In short no, his behaviour is not justified and he has failed in many, many duties. I will list them later if no one beats me to it. Here are some :


















        As for your duties :



        You can question him on his behaviour, though I doubt it will help. He is a bad influence on you and your mother. Approach and Imam and see what he says. Divorce is an option. It would be best if you all left him.

        And :
        thank you, but to clear something up, I dont live with my dad and my stepmom, I live with my mom, the christian woman I spoke of early in my passage. He has not comitted adultery as he never married my mom, his only marriage is to my stepmom. The haram relationships I spoke of were with various women before, after, and sadly including the one with my mom. Sorry if i was unclear.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: I am unsure of my islamic duties and need help (long post)

          Originally posted by TCKMuslima View Post
          Oh dear. I'm sorry for your situation brother. Please though, take a moment to really and truly feel blessed. Allah guided you to Islam while your only Muslim parent was an extremely bad example of a Muslim.
          The answers to your questions -
          There is absolutely no islamic, either quranic or in the sunnah, justification for the way that he behaves towards your mother and you. You are not blowing this out of proportion because as far as I can tell you don't sound like you're seething with hate and resentment. Which would just be harmful to your own health and peace of mind really. He does and has done many haraam things from what you say.

          Your obligations to your father are that you treat him with respect. That you do not cut off ties with him. In Islam even if your parents are non-Muslim you are required to treat them with respect and honor. However, of course do not obey him in anything that goes against Islam. So I would say, continue to do what you've been doing but cut the fakeness. Just be pleasant and civil. Show him respect and try to show him that you are a practicing Muslim now. Maybe, in sha Allah you could actually influence him to become a better Muslim himself and hence a better father.

          You are very fortunate that you are a male so you don't have to worry about things like him being your wali for marriage etc. That's only an issue for girls. As a man you don't need his permission or blessing or anything to marry someone.
          May Allah bless you with a happy fulfilling relationship with your father and may He guide your father to the straight path.
          Thank you sister. I'll take your advice and begin visiting with him more frequently.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: I am unsure of my islamic duties and need help (long post)

            Originally posted by Rasputin View Post
            thank you, but to clear something up, I dont live with my dad and my stepmom, I live with my mom, the christian woman I spoke of early in my passage. He has not comitted adultery as he never married my mom, his only marriage is to my stepmom. The haram relationships I spoke of were with various women before, after, and sadly including the one with my mom. Sorry if i was unclear.
            I skimmed your post. You are in the best place, with your mother. You asked about your duties in this, your duty is to explain to your mother your father's actions were not justified in Islam and he has committed grave sins. Support your mother, study and marry. You have a good head on your shoulders. Be the man your father wasn't, make your mother proud.
            "We cast the truth against the falsehood, so that it breaks its head, and lo! it vanishes; and woe to you for what you describe." Qur'an 21:18

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: I am unsure of my islamic duties and need help (long post)

              Originally posted by Nulbreaker View Post
              I skimmed your post. You are in the best place, with your mother. You asked about your duties in this, your duty is to explain to your mother your father's actions were not justified in Islam and he has committed grave sins. Support your mother, study and marry. You have a good head on your shoulders. Be the man your father wasn't, make your mother proud.
              Thank you brother, I will try inshallah.

              Comment

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