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  • husbands *sigh*

    Have you cleaned the house?

    Is dinner ready?

    Have you fed the kids?

    Did you wash my clothes?



    These are some of the questions that women hear, day in and day out, from husbands who assert that wives are nothing more than servants and baby machines. But a wife is neither.

    Nevertheless, amidst busy schedules on the parts of both women and men, some husbands forget the real reasons behind marriage and likewise the rights of their wives. Subsequently, they deprive themselves, their mates and their children of the happiness and tranquility that is the bedrock of a successful family. This unbalanced vision towards a couple's ideal relationship is bad enough to plunge the family into a situation laden with troubles and worries.

    Even among religious families, you will find some husbands who still do not have a proper understanding of rights of their wives, nor a clear vision of the intended relationship between a married couple.

    It is both painful and distressing to see a Muslim husband practicing Allah's orders on the one hand, but forgetting to follow His guidance regarding how to treat his wife. Outside the home he is kind, patient and smiling. But, as soon as he returns home, the smiling face becomes angry and sad and the kindness and gentleness turn into nervousness and adversity. He starts shouting and screaming his orders at his wife.

    He forgets that although he faces many challenges and pressures outside the house, his wife can also be overwhelmed with the housework and her responsibilities to the children.

    He forgets that she also needs rest after a long day of working. Although his duty is to work outside the house and to provide for his family, a wife's role inside the house is not any less important. On the contrary, her role is often more important as she is the one charged with raising the children and guarding the family.

    We often see this scenario: A wife feels tired and asks her husband to help her with the cleaning, washing or cooking. He refuses, as though it is shameful for a man to help his wife. Doesn't he know that Prophet Mohammad (SAW), the most beloved person to Allah (SWT), helped his wives with the housework? Doesn't he know that Omar Ibn al-Khattab provided recipes to a group of women in order to teach them how to cook? Could Omar teach others if he himself did not know how to cook?

    No husband, regardless of how much work he has, can ever be busier than our Prophet (SAW) whose duty it was to spread Islam. Likewise, no one is busier than Omar who had to bear the responsibility of a Khalifah.

    It shocks me to hear that some wives have never heard a loving or appreciative word from their husbands. When asked about the person he loved the most, the Prophet (SAW) did not hesitate to name his wife, A'ishah. Thus, he declared very clearly, that a husband should not be ashamed of loving his wife or even of declaring that love in front of other people.

    It is also painful to hear that some husbands do not speak to their wives or spend time with their families, under the pretenses of a busy schedule and da'wa work. While it is noble to be involved in da'wa outside the home, it is also necessary that the wife and children also be recipients of a husband's efforts.

    I wonder how married couples can live without ever talking or spending time together or how they can feel happiness and tranquility with this gap separating them. Who else can share in happiness and sadness better than one's wife? Who else can encourage one to confront the challenges of life with perseverance and patience? Who can listen and keep one's secrets better than a wife? Who can help renew iman and intentions better than a wife?

    The Prophet (SAW) taught us that the best among men is the one who best treats his wife. Shouldn't we follow the Prophet's example in every issue of our lives?

    The Prophet (SAW) spent time with his wives, talking to them, laughing with them, and even playing with them. So why have we strayed from that example?

    Raising children is not just the mother's job, as some mistakenly think. It is intended as a mutual responsibility to be shared by both parents. Everyone has his/her complimentary role to undertake regarding family. There is no doubt that the mother bears the bigger burden of responsibility, but the role of the father is likewise important and has tremendous effects on the stability of the family.

    Children need the presence and input of a father. They need him to ask them about their homework, help them memorize the Qur'an and understand religion. They need to feel that he is there for them.

    Dear husbands, your wife is your partner, your other half and your life mate. She can be your hassanah in this world and "the blessing of your life," but only if you give her the chance to be. She is the one who can bring a smile to your face and dry the tears of pain from your eyes. She has the potential to provide your family with iman, happiness, encouragement, and patience in the face of challenges you may face. Your wife is always ready to sacrifice everything in order to bring happiness and success to the family.

    No one can claim that marriage is always blissful or that there will never be any hardships to face. But, if the basis of the relationship is strong and if each person has a clear vision of his partners' rights, then challenges can easily be overcome.

    I do not mean to blame all husbands for the problems facing couples today. I am addressing a specific type of husband within the Muslim community: the misinformed one who does not understand that a happier and stronger Muslim family can only be built under a strong partnership between the couple.



    Allah (SWT) says in the Holy Qur'an,

    " And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and He put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect." (30:21)
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  • #2
    :up:
    .: Anna :.

    Comment


    • #3
      The Pleasant Companionship





      "And among His signs is this: that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them. And He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect" (ar-Rum 30:21)


      The relationship between a husband and wife is one of the closest bonds which exists between two human beings. Through the ties of marriage, each becomes aware of the other's secrets, their faults and their virtues like no one else.


      As the aforementioned ayah from the Qur'an shows, the institution of marriage does not set the agenda for a domination of one sex over the other, as many nowadays perceive. Rather, marriage is one of the great bounties of Allah through which both men and women achieve tranquility, love, security and companionship. This is why Allah describes the husband and wife as being garments for one another:


      "They are garments for you and you are the same for them" (al-Baqarah 2:187)


      This may, at first, seem like a strange and unusual analogy to make. But with closer thought and reflection, we can realize what a beautiful and apt similitude Allah has given here. For just as a garment covers and protects a person, so too does the husband or wife protect his or her companion: by providing security; by helping to keep the eyes restrained and the private parts protected (from illicit sex); by covering each other's mistakes; and also by shielding them, not only from worldly harm, but, more importantly, from the Hellfire as well. The use of this analogy also gives an indication of the intimacy and closeness that exists between man and wife, just like the closeness there is between the garment and a person's skin: nothing separates them, nothing comes between them.



      RIGHTS IN THE MARRIAGE


      Very often we find that discussions about marriage tend to become centered around the issues of rights and duties in a marriage (eg. does the wife have to cook and clean for the husband, can the husband strike his wife, etc). Although these questions are undoubtably important, this is not the place to start. Marriage is not simply about demanding rights and discharging duties. Marriage is principally about mutual co-operation and about encouraging one another towards obedience to the Lord, Most High. The act of marriage itself is considered to be "half the religion", or "half of iman" (1). This is why the Prophet (saw) advised the men: "A woman is married for four reasons: for her property, her status, her beauty and her Religion; so try to get the pious one that you may be successful". (2)


      As far as rights and responsibilites are concerned, then anyone who studies the commands in the Qur'an and the Sunnah in this regard will find that Allah has divided these up in a very wise and just manner. Thus, although the rights and duties of the wife are different to that of the husband, they are nevertheless fair and in proportion. This fact is indicated to in the following ayah:


      "And they (women) have rights (over their husbands) similar (to those over their husbands) over them to what is reasonable, but men have a degree (of responsibility) over them"(al Baqarah 2:228)


      Explaining this verse, Ibn Abbas said, "I verily adorn myself for my wife the same as she adorns herself for me. Also I would not ask her to fulfill all the rights which she owes me, so that it would become binding upon me to fulfill all the rights which I owe her"(3). This is how Ibn Abbas - one of the foremost of the people of Paradise - understood the relationship between the husband and wife. He understood how many rights his wife had over him and that is why he feared that if he were to ask for all the rights which his wife owed him, then she too, in turn, would ask for all her rights and he would not be able to fulfil them.


      But oh how different the scenario is today amongst the Muslim communities, where the wife is expected to be dutiful and bear all sorts of hardship and oppression, whereas the behaviour of the husband seems to be of no consequence whatsoever! Who from amongst the Muslim men today do we find the attitude of Ibn Abbas in?


      There can be no doubt whatsoever that the rights that the husband has in a marriage are tremendous and he is the one at the head of the family, but he must be very careful not to exploit his rights and his authority in order to oppress the wife and be unjust to her. In the same way, the wife too must not constantly be demanding her Divinely bestowed rights whilst being woefully neglectful of her duties to her husband. She should always bear in mind that it is more important for her to discharge her duties to her husband than it is to receive the complete rights which her husband owes to her. (4) This is because by discharging her duties as a wife, she is not only fulfilling the rights of her husband but also fulfilling her obligations towards Allah. Ths Prophet (saw) said: "By the One in Whose Hand is the soul of Muhammad, no woman has fulfilled her obligations to her Lord until she has fulfilled her obligations to her husband - even if he were to ask her for himself when she is mounted in the saddle, she would not refuse his request". (5)


      So just because a man is failing in his duties as a husband, this does not give the wife the right to withold some of his rights, since ultimately when a woman serves her husband, she should be doing so to seek the pleasure of Allah rather than the pleasure of her husband alone.


      Thus, to use the old cliched expression, marriage is all about a little "give and take". Its not about "giving as good as you get", for that kind of attitude wil only create an environment of hostility and ill-feeling. On the contrary, Allah says to the men:


      "And live with them (ie your wives) honourably" (an-Nisa 4:19)


      The famous commentator of the Qur'an, al-Haafidh Ibn Kathir, explained that living with them honourably included "using soft speech to them (i.e. not speaking to them harshly) and ameliorating your deeds and appearances as much as you can". He then said, "As you would like that FROM her, so do the same FOR her".


      Above all, it must be remembered that this pleasant companionship - which the Prophet saw exemplified perfectly in his relationship with his wives, as did of course his Companions - can only truly come about if both partners regard the marriage first and foremost as an Islamic duty. And as with all Islamic duties, there are limits: he who transgresses them has, in the end, harmed only himself. As Allah says:


      "Whosoever transgresses the set limits (hudood) of Allah then indeed he has wronged himself" (at-Talaaq 65: 1)


      As for those who keep to the limits and deal justly with each other, then Allah grants them a good and happy life together; a life of obedience towards Allah swt which - if Allah wills - He will reward with eternal happiness in the life of the Hereafter:


      "Whoever works righteousness, whether male or female, while he (or she) is a true Believer (in tawheed), verily to him we shall give a good life (in this world) and We shall pay them certainly a reward in proportion to the best of what they used to do (i.e. Paradise in the Hereafter)" (an-Nahl 16:97)


















      Footnotes

      (1) As the Prophet saw said: "When the servant marries, then he has completed half of the deen. Then let him fear Allah with regard to the remaining half" (Saheeh ul-Jaami no.443)
      (2) Narrated by Abu Hurairah and collected in Sahih Muslim (eng trans. vol. 2 pg. 749 no. 3457)
      (3) Tafsir Ibn Kathir. Its chain of narration is declared to be hasan by Shaikh Muqbil ibn Haadee in his checking of Ibn Kathir.
      (4) This is what is meant is Surat ul-Baqarah that "men have a degree of responsibility over them" (2:228).
      (5) Saheeh. Collected in Sunan Ibn Maajah, Musnad Ahmad and others




      Please send all replies to [email protected].
      For further information check out our website at http://www.missionislam.com.
      .لا نريد زعيما يخاف البيت الإبيض
      نريد زعيما يخاف الواحد الأحد
      دولة الإسلامية باقية





      Comment


      • #4
        Re: husbands *sigh*

        May I suggest that women and men go through "seasons" in their lives. And in each "season" they will find the emphasis different. For example, when you have newborns your life is taken up with caring for their every need all day and all night. Lots of laundry, lots of time, little sleep. It can be challenging and it can be rewarding. Your life will llook differnent when the kids are school age or teens - different "seasons".


        I dont disagree that a woman has a unique and complimentary role in the marriage and into creating a suitable household. And I dont disagree that when the kids are babies it is BEST if at all possible ( and its not always possible) for MOM to stay at home. However, as the chldren age and go to school, then I think a stay at home mom can do some outside work if she can manage or if there is a need. My own observation is that grandparents and other older relatives can play a big role in helping a new family along.

        What is important is to keep the focus on what is best for each other and the family, not just yourself. IN order for this to occur , there needs to be LOTS of ENCOURAGEMENT from each other, friends, parents and others.........

        Marriage is difficult, child rearing is difficult, and sometimes life is just downright difficult. IM not saying that there arent rewarding moments but still life often times falls short of our dreams and desires.


        Amatullah [/i]
        Have you cleaned the house?

        Is dinner ready?

        Have you fed the kids?

        Did you wash my clothes?



        These are some of the questions that women hear, day in and day out, from husbands who assert that wives are nothing more than servants and baby machines. But a wife is neither.

        Nevertheless, amidst busy schedules on the parts of both women and men, some husbands forget the real reasons behind marriage and likewise the rights of their wives. Subsequently, they deprive themselves, their mates and their children of the happiness and tranquility that is the bedrock of a successful family. This unbalanced vision towards a couple's ideal relationship is bad enough to plunge the family into a situation laden with troubles and worries.

        Even among religious families, you will find some husbands who still do not have a proper understanding of rights of their wives, nor a clear vision of the intended relationship between a married couple.

        It is both painful and distressing to see a Muslim husband practicing Allah's orders on the one hand, but forgetting to follow His guidance regarding how to treat his wife. Outside the home he is kind, patient and smiling. But, as soon as he returns home, the smiling face becomes angry and sad and the kindness and gentleness turn into nervousness and adversity. He starts shouting and screaming his orders at his wife.

        He forgets that although he faces many challenges and pressures outside the house, his wife can also be overwhelmed with the housework and her responsibilities to the children.

        He forgets that she also needs rest after a long day of working. Although his duty is to work outside the house and to provide for his family, a wife's role inside the house is not any less important. On the contrary, her role is often more important as she is the one charged with raising the children and guarding the family.

        We often see this scenario: A wife feels tired and asks her husband to help her with the cleaning, washing or cooking. He refuses, as though it is shameful for a man to help his wife. Doesn't he know that Prophet Mohammad (SAW), the most beloved person to Allah (SWT), helped his wives with the housework? Doesn't he know that Omar Ibn al-Khattab provided recipes to a group of women in order to teach them how to cook? Could Omar teach others if he himself did not know how to cook?

        No husband, regardless of how much work he has, can ever be busier than our Prophet (SAW) whose duty it was to spread Islam. Likewise, no one is busier than Omar who had to bear the responsibility of a Khalifah.

        It shocks me to hear that some wives have never heard a loving or appreciative word from their husbands. When asked about the person he loved the most, the Prophet (SAW) did not hesitate to name his wife, A'ishah. Thus, he declared very clearly, that a husband should not be ashamed of loving his wife or even of declaring that love in front of other people.

        It is also painful to hear that some husbands do not speak to their wives or spend time with their families, under the pretenses of a busy schedule and da'wa work. While it is noble to be involved in da'wa outside the home, it is also necessary that the wife and children also be recipients of a husband's efforts.

        I wonder how married couples can live without ever talking or spending time together or how they can feel happiness and tranquility with this gap separating them. Who else can share in happiness and sadness better than one's wife? Who else can encourage one to confront the challenges of life with perseverance and patience? Who can listen and keep one's secrets better than a wife? Who can help renew iman and intentions better than a wife?

        The Prophet (SAW) taught us that the best among men is the one who best treats his wife. Shouldn't we follow the Prophet's example in every issue of our lives?

        The Prophet (SAW) spent time with his wives, talking to them, laughing with them, and even playing with them. So why have we strayed from that example?

        Raising children is not just the mother's job, as some mistakenly think. It is intended as a mutual responsibility to be shared by both parents. Everyone has his/her complimentary role to undertake regarding family. There is no doubt that the mother bears the bigger burden of responsibility, but the role of the father is likewise important and has tremendous effects on the stability of the family.

        Children need the presence and input of a father. They need him to ask them about their homework, help them memorize the Qur'an and understand religion. They need to feel that he is there for them.

        Dear husbands, your wife is your partner, your other half and your life mate. She can be your hassanah in this world and "the blessing of your life," but only if you give her the chance to be. She is the one who can bring a smile to your face and dry the tears of pain from your eyes. She has the potential to provide your family with iman, happiness, encouragement, and patience in the face of challenges you may face. Your wife is always ready to sacrifice everything in order to bring happiness and success to the family.

        No one can claim that marriage is always blissful or that there will never be any hardships to face. But, if the basis of the relationship is strong and if each person has a clear vision of his partners' rights, then challenges can easily be overcome.

        I do not mean to blame all husbands for the problems facing couples today. I am addressing a specific type of husband within the Muslim community: the misinformed one who does not understand that a happier and stronger Muslim family can only be built under a strong partnership between the couple.



        Allah (SWT) says in the Holy Qur'an,

        " And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and He put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect." (30:21)
        [/QUOTE]
        Please Re-update your Signature

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