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  • How do i stop being so judgemental???

    Just as the title said, how do i stop being judgemental on others who have sinned, done wrong and who are still trying to find their way.

    I realise its a big sin, but its not arrogance - no its not arrogance that i have in my heart - but 'disgust' and the desire to keep away from that person because i dont like the way theyl ive their life. My question is ,am I sinning by thinking like this??? I'm no angel certainly and i sin in different ways but why do i find it hard to accept certain things.

    was just talking to my little sister who told me to stop being such a cow (yes i know, little sister ) and stop judging people. She said that i should accept that a lot of people don't have the guidance that we have had in life and i shoudl learn to be more 'open minded'.. Please ntoe taht she wasn't saying it was right what they were doing. i said that i would never approve or accept someones sinningl. I am entitled to an opinion / view. She said im' just being judgemental and i had no right to jjudge.

    So, how far is she right??

    i argued taht we are all judgemental to some extent - that i believe she is being too liberal. i gave her an example. If she had a daugther (and she's not married yet) and her daugther was hanging around wtih a really bad girl would she be happy with that. She thought that there was nothing wrong with that. i thought that there was something wrong with it.


    I would really appreciate some input on how i can be less judgemental. I've got kids approaching teenhood, and only allah knows how they will test me.
    I want to be strict on them but i also want to be albe to say ' yes you made a mistake - thats ok, we can get through this' but i have such an unforgiving nature around sin etc that i'm scared its going to be hard to do that, and i will just push them away.

    So advice please and bad boys/ girls of yesterday / today dont come and jump me. I said i'm trying to change, just need some guidance in how to.
    Ibnul Qayyim رحمه الله said: "Donít ruin your happiness with worry, and donít ruin your mind with pessimism. Donít ruin your success with deception and donít ruin the optimism of others by destroying it. Donít ruin your day by looking back at yesterday.
    __________________________________________________ _____________________________
    If you think about your situation, you will find that Allaah (سبحانه وتعالى) has given you things without asking, so have trust in Allaah (سبحانه وتعالى) that He doesnít prevent anything you want except there is goodness for you.

    You could be sleeping and the doors of the heavens are being opened with duaías being made on your behalf, SubhanAllaah: perhaps from someone poor whom you helped, or someone sad whom you brought joy, or someone passing by and you smiled at him, or someone in distress and you removed it.. so donít ever underestimate any good deeds."



    please donate to the Ummah forum sadaqa jariya project. Click on the link for for more information, and to make a donation- https://www.justgiving.com/sadaqah-jariyah-project/

  • #2
    Re: How do i stop being so judgemental???

    Gonna reply in detail when I get home in'sha'Allah
    My Lord sanctify my flawed heart
    As You have sanctified Your house,
    Make my heart as protected and as honoured
    In which permission of entry
    Is only granted to a few,
    Please Allah, allow my heart
    To be preserved only for You.



    ---


    It hurts, to watch you leave so soon,
    when I don't know, if I will ever see you again
    In Jannah, we will meet :love:


    If I have ever offended, hurt or insulted you, forgive me for the sake of Allah سبحانه وتعالى‎

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: How do i stop being so judgemental???

      Originally posted by Muslima London View Post
      Just as the title said, how do i stop being judgemental on others who have sinned, done wrong and who are still trying to find their way.

      I realise its a big sin, but its not arrogance - no its not arrogance that i have in my heart - but 'disgust' and the desire to keep away from that person because i dont like the way theyl ive their life. My question is ,am I sinning by thinking like this??? I'm no angel certainly and i sin in different ways but why do i find it hard to accept certain things.

      was just talking to my little sister who told me to stop being such a cow (yes i know, little sister ) and stop judging people. She said that i should accept that a lot of people don't have the guidance that we have had in life and i shoudl learn to be more 'open minded'.. Please ntoe taht she wasn't saying it was right what they were doing. i said that i would never approve or accept someones sinningl. I am entitled to an opinion / view. She said im' just being judgemental and i had no right to jjudge.

      So, how far is she right??

      i argued taht we are all judgemental to some extent - that i believe she is being too liberal. i gave her an example. If she had a daugther (and she's not married yet) and her daugther was hanging around wtih a really bad girl would she be happy with that. She thought that there was nothing wrong with that. i thought that there was something wrong with it.


      I would really appreciate some input on how i can be less judgemental. I've got kids approaching teenhood, and only allah knows how they will test me.
      I want to be strict on them but i also want to be albe to say ' yes you made a mistake - thats ok, we can get through this' but i have such an unforgiving nature around sin etc that i'm scared its going to be hard to do that, and i will just push them away.

      So advice please and bad boys/ girls of yesterday / today dont come and jump me. I said i'm trying to change, just need some guidance in how to.
      When a kid gets to be independent you cant just tell them not to do stuff. (im not suggesting you would tho) You can't even tell them why, because you must only control small kids not larger ones. Larger ones you have to trust and talk to them like you trust them to know what to do.

      Ok so like my brother, I dont tell him not to hang with certain kids (even though I wish he wouldn't hang with them), I explained that only one person can be dominant and lead any one group and that if the person who is most dominant in any group is into bad stuff then if you hang with them then you be in deep doobidoo very soon. People always think they won't but eventually they will. The only way you can hang with people who are into bad stuff is if you are a influence on them. If you can be the dominant one and lead a good influence on them. If not, bail.

      After he knows this, then I have to trust him and not to keep on telling him he can't do stuff.

      I am judgemental too, LG, everyone is to one degree or another. But I am judgemental on certain issues like liars and two facedness, which I hate. It makes me deal with people at work in a bad way because i don't even like to talk to them. Or I am too direct with them like one girl who says she is Christian but she lies really too much and I told her that I don't like her and don't respect her at all. I am trying to change my feelings about this, so that I can be more understanding about why people lie. Sometimes (like with this girl) people don't like themself much so they lie to cover their badness and to present to others a better person (which is fake) and although I see her doing this large, I also need to see that I do this in small ways too, we all do, not that I would do it consciously, but even subconsciously, it is still a lie in the world. Big or small, a lie is a lie. So I think they key is understanding.

      But after I reasoned all this with myself, I still don't like her and I still tell myself she is a bare liar and I don't like her or want to be near her.
      So it's a struggle every day.


      Comment


      • #4
        Re: How do i stop being so judgemental???

        ...and exercising good judgement is a good thing.

        Being judgemental is bad when you hold their actions against someone because Allah, subhana wa ta 3la,can see and know all our imperfections and I hope I don't suffer too much His judgement but I would like His mercy better, in sha Allah, so that is what I must give to others.... that which I want for myself.


        Comment


        • #5
          Re: How do i stop being so judgemental???

          I relate to what you're saying as I've been accused of being judgmental as well but tbh I don't see anything wrong with the fact that I disapprove of sins and try to remind people to look towards guidance and return to the straight path. I don't pick on every big and little fault with people and have learned (especially with so called 'liberals' who are quite unreceptive) that I have to 'pick my battles' with them so I hold my tongue on some issues but where it is something very important then I have to speak out even if they don't like it, label me as 'holier than thou' or decide that it makes me 'judgmental'.

          Allah (swt) tells us in the Quran to judge by what Allah has revealed, but when we do that, it makes us 'judgmental' by default- we are ordered to judge by revelation, we don't do it to make ourselves feel superior to others or to belittle anyone, we do it because we love those people enough to fear for their akhirah and I find it very disheartening that they can't recognise that. It is a very strong part of culture nowadays in these western countries that it's considered a very bad thing to hold on to strong religious principles because it makes people appear rigid, inflexible and harsh when they tell someone off for sinning.... but the bottom line is that they (the sinners) want to encourage an environment of acceptance for sins so that it's easier to maintain relationships with sinful relatives without getting into arguments over it. It's so ridiculous that the truth is it doesn't matter how kindly, politely or softly you speak to the person to give gentle nasiha, it's still perceived as being harsh and judgmental.

          Well TOUGH! There's no side stepping or avoiding the fact that Allah (swt) ordered us to not only live a certain way, but to propagate the deen by offering sincere advice and if people are too thin skinned to take it then they are the ones with the problem, not (you or) me! I will be honest with you though, you mention that you have children who are approaching teenage years and I'd advise you to tread carefully with them. You don't want to come across so strict as to make them feel alienated like they can't approach you if they are having problems- but at the same time obviously you don't want to be so relaxed with them that they think they can easily get away with improper behaviour cos' it's no big deal and the parents will eventually accept it.

          So in short- don't stop being so called 'judgmental', my guess is you're doing something right. The only thing I have to forewarn you about though is that it's possible that if you stick to your principles, you'll become alienated from the more sinful friends and relatives so this can affect your relationships a lot but anyone with an inclination towards the deen should respect you for it.
          The Lyme Disease pandemic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5u73ME4sVU

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: How do i stop being so judgemental???

            :jkk: Neelu and sshh for both reflective comments.

            i get what you say about being judgemental by default Neelu because thats what it is isn't it. I have to look upon an action and disapprove it because it is not liked by allah swt BUT its about hating the sin, but not the person and maybe thats where i need to be less rigid.

            ssh - isn't it funny how somet things really annoy us and others dont. I get bothered by zina, drug taking etc but thats because i dont understand those urges whereas with lying - of course i hate sometone who lies but i am able to stand back and realise that maybe they lie because they are insecure, lack self esteem , scared whatever.
            i have to cnofess growing up with a strict mom, i used to lie :embar: , just to get out of trouble sometimes, and maybe thats why i ahve a lax attitude towards it.


            I hate arrogance though, and indifference to suffering.

            in sha allah - hope your work coleague stays well out of your face. bare faced liar
            Ibnul Qayyim رحمه الله said: "Donít ruin your happiness with worry, and donít ruin your mind with pessimism. Donít ruin your success with deception and donít ruin the optimism of others by destroying it. Donít ruin your day by looking back at yesterday.
            __________________________________________________ _____________________________
            If you think about your situation, you will find that Allaah (سبحانه وتعالى) has given you things without asking, so have trust in Allaah (سبحانه وتعالى) that He doesnít prevent anything you want except there is goodness for you.

            You could be sleeping and the doors of the heavens are being opened with duaías being made on your behalf, SubhanAllaah: perhaps from someone poor whom you helped, or someone sad whom you brought joy, or someone passing by and you smiled at him, or someone in distress and you removed it.. so donít ever underestimate any good deeds."



            please donate to the Ummah forum sadaqa jariya project. Click on the link for for more information, and to make a donation- https://www.justgiving.com/sadaqah-jariyah-project/

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: How do i stop being so judgemental???

              wth is with all the replies and the opening op ....


              tl ; dr



              Comment


              • #8
                Re: How do i stop being so judgemental???

                Originally posted by noobz View Post
                wth is with all the replies and the opening op ....


                tl ; dr
                if there is nothing useful to say GO away
                Ibnul Qayyim رحمه الله said: "Donít ruin your happiness with worry, and donít ruin your mind with pessimism. Donít ruin your success with deception and donít ruin the optimism of others by destroying it. Donít ruin your day by looking back at yesterday.
                __________________________________________________ _____________________________
                If you think about your situation, you will find that Allaah (سبحانه وتعالى) has given you things without asking, so have trust in Allaah (سبحانه وتعالى) that He doesnít prevent anything you want except there is goodness for you.

                You could be sleeping and the doors of the heavens are being opened with duaías being made on your behalf, SubhanAllaah: perhaps from someone poor whom you helped, or someone sad whom you brought joy, or someone passing by and you smiled at him, or someone in distress and you removed it.. so donít ever underestimate any good deeds."



                please donate to the Ummah forum sadaqa jariya project. Click on the link for for more information, and to make a donation- https://www.justgiving.com/sadaqah-jariyah-project/

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: How do i stop being so judgemental???

                  Sis I don't think it has to do much with being judgmental. I think it is the fact that our lives experiences' speak for us. We know what kind of destructive path certain acts can lead you to and we feel it is necessary to give out some tough love rather than sugar coating it all lol! I think it is just a knee jerk reaction to bluntly point out what is wrong before it totally spirals out of control.

                  You've been through some ordeals so obviously you know what you're talking about. Other people like to talk (or type) just for the sake of it. That's how I see it. :)
                  Allah gave us two ears and one mouth, so we can listen more and talk less.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: How do i stop being so judgemental???

                    Originally posted by Plumeria View Post
                    Sis I don't think it has to do much with being judgmental. I think it is the fact that our lives experiences' speak for us. We know what kind of destructive path certain acts can lead you to and we feel it is necessary to give out some tough love rather than sugar coating it all lol! I think it is just a knee jerk reaction to bluntly point out what is wrong before it totally spirals out of control.

                    You've been through some ordeals so obviously you know what you're talking about. Other people like to talk (or type) just for the sake of it. That's how I see it. :)
                    true sis but without being too specific, there are some approaches which work very well, without being judgemental and i have seen it on the forum. i do all the harsh, no no no apporach and then i feel guilty lol

                    I jwant to approach things in a more senstive manner with my kdis but i can't because I'M TOO JUDGEMENTAL about certain things.


                    no sugar coating certainly but i need to work on my 'communication skills' and my sense of perspective.
                    Ibnul Qayyim رحمه الله said: "Donít ruin your happiness with worry, and donít ruin your mind with pessimism. Donít ruin your success with deception and donít ruin the optimism of others by destroying it. Donít ruin your day by looking back at yesterday.
                    __________________________________________________ _____________________________
                    If you think about your situation, you will find that Allaah (سبحانه وتعالى) has given you things without asking, so have trust in Allaah (سبحانه وتعالى) that He doesnít prevent anything you want except there is goodness for you.

                    You could be sleeping and the doors of the heavens are being opened with duaías being made on your behalf, SubhanAllaah: perhaps from someone poor whom you helped, or someone sad whom you brought joy, or someone passing by and you smiled at him, or someone in distress and you removed it.. so donít ever underestimate any good deeds."



                    please donate to the Ummah forum sadaqa jariya project. Click on the link for for more information, and to make a donation- https://www.justgiving.com/sadaqah-jariyah-project/

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: How do i stop being so judgemental???


                      (apologies for the nasheed in the background, :insha: I hope the message isn't lost)
                      ⚔ Even in death may you be triumphant ⚔
                      U.F Sadaqah Jariyah Project

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: How do i stop being so judgemental???

                        ⚔ Even in death may you be triumphant ⚔
                        U.F Sadaqah Jariyah Project

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: How do i stop being so judgemental???

                          :jkk: will watch those later on
                          Ibnul Qayyim رحمه الله said: "Donít ruin your happiness with worry, and donít ruin your mind with pessimism. Donít ruin your success with deception and donít ruin the optimism of others by destroying it. Donít ruin your day by looking back at yesterday.
                          __________________________________________________ _____________________________
                          If you think about your situation, you will find that Allaah (سبحانه وتعالى) has given you things without asking, so have trust in Allaah (سبحانه وتعالى) that He doesnít prevent anything you want except there is goodness for you.

                          You could be sleeping and the doors of the heavens are being opened with duaías being made on your behalf, SubhanAllaah: perhaps from someone poor whom you helped, or someone sad whom you brought joy, or someone passing by and you smiled at him, or someone in distress and you removed it.. so donít ever underestimate any good deeds."



                          please donate to the Ummah forum sadaqa jariya project. Click on the link for for more information, and to make a donation- https://www.justgiving.com/sadaqah-jariyah-project/

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: How do i stop being so judgemental???

                            Originally posted by Meriadoc View Post

                            (apologies for the nasheed in the background, :insha: I hope the message isn't lost)

                            subhanallah brother expalined it so well as expected
                            Ibnul Qayyim رحمه الله said: "Donít ruin your happiness with worry, and donít ruin your mind with pessimism. Donít ruin your success with deception and donít ruin the optimism of others by destroying it. Donít ruin your day by looking back at yesterday.
                            __________________________________________________ _____________________________
                            If you think about your situation, you will find that Allaah (سبحانه وتعالى) has given you things without asking, so have trust in Allaah (سبحانه وتعالى) that He doesnít prevent anything you want except there is goodness for you.

                            You could be sleeping and the doors of the heavens are being opened with duaías being made on your behalf, SubhanAllaah: perhaps from someone poor whom you helped, or someone sad whom you brought joy, or someone passing by and you smiled at him, or someone in distress and you removed it.. so donít ever underestimate any good deeds."



                            please donate to the Ummah forum sadaqa jariya project. Click on the link for for more information, and to make a donation- https://www.justgiving.com/sadaqah-jariyah-project/

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: How do i stop being so judgemental???

                              Originally posted by Muslima London View Post
                              :jkk: Neelu and sshh for both reflective comments.

                              i get what you say about being judgemental by default Neelu because thats what it is isn't it. I have to look upon an action and disapprove it because it is not liked by allah swt BUT its about hating the sin, but not the person and maybe thats where i need to be less rigid.

                              ssh - isn't it funny how somet things really annoy us and others dont. I get bothered by zina, drug taking etc but thats because i dont understand those urges whereas with lying - of course i hate sometone who lies but i am able to stand back and realise that maybe they lie because they are insecure, lack self esteem , scared whatever.
                              i have to cnofess growing up with a strict mom, i used to lie :embar: , just to get out of trouble sometimes, and maybe thats why i ahve a lax attitude towards it.


                              I hate arrogance though, and indifference to suffering.

                              in sha allah - hope your work coleague stays well out of your face. bare faced liar
                              I think it's fear which is why I hate it so much because lying is dangerous. If u know even the most ugly of truth, you can deal with it because it is the truth. If you don't know it, then it can be really dangerous not to know something because u have no control over what u don't know.




                              Those teaching vids are really good! Ma sha Allah, jzk for posting them


                              Comment

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