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  • Divorce or Not to Divorce

    Asalaam Alaikum,

    I am new here...I was searching on google trying to find a solution to my problem and I came across this forum in hope for a solution.

    I married my wife over 2 years ago...she is in Pakistan and I am living here in Canada. I have sponsored her and we are at the last steps of the sponsorship process.

    With that said, this relationship has been the most painful event of my entire life, even though my mother left me at the age of 3 or 4.

    Since marriage I have felt in some ways that she doesn't love me...but I let it go, maybe she is shy or we need time to get to know one another.

    Since I cannot stay in Pakistan, I went back to Canada to resume work and continue on with life until my wife's sponsorship completes. But during this time, a lot has happened which has caused damage in our relationship and is now making me question if I should keep this relationship or not.

    When me and my parents left for Canada, we left my wife with my step-mother's mom. My parents notified me that my wife talks to others using the cell phone, messaging and calling these other people. My wife claims that they're her friends. Some family members overheard the conversations and claim that they're male not female friends. And claim that my wife said she does not love me and other things..

    I found out she was messaging my sister's husband on facebook, we ended up closing the account so it would not happen again. Then later she started complaining about my step-mother's family as they don't treat her well and the guys bother her etc. so she got the excuse to live with her own parents.

    During my wife's travel with her uncle to her parents house she made the excuse that she cannot talk to me on the train. Yet I had access to her online phone bills...I noticed her texting and calling various numbers during this time...yet she would ignore my messages that I had sent her.

    The other issue during all this was that she wouldn't call me daily and if I call sometimes she doesn't pick up...tells me it was on vibrate mode. I asked why, after all...she shouldn't be talking to anyone but me...that was the whole purpose of having a cell phone so that we could communicate while away. Sometimes I ask why she didn't call, her response would be ' no reason'...or ' I didn't feel like it'.

    Wow, you didn't feel like it?? I have never had this feeling for her...never have I said that I don't want to talk to my wife today. If she cannot even spare 30 minutes to 1 hour in a 24 hour day, what will happen when we live together??

    In some cases she wouldn't call for 3 days or so and once even for a whole week. I wanted to see how she acts or what kind of reason she comes up with...all she could say was that she was sick so she didn't call me. I don't believe it...

    Later I went to visit her for a month. I find random guys messaging her. One even claiming to know her...he knew my name, her name, what city she has lived in and even described us in our wedding picture (the clothes etc.). I was furious...the guy even offered to meet me but my parents said forget it, must be some joke etc.

    That visit was the worst, I lived with her in my step-mother's mother house and also we spent some time in hotels etc. but man, just due to various things and her not giving me time or caring for me...I didn't know what to do. It was so stressful that some days I would cry and I even have white hair on my beard because of this visit...im only 26!

    Then recently we found that she has been messaging a cousin who is married and has 3 kids. The guy lives next door. His wife found out that my wife has been messaging him. Guess how my wife informed me...she called me and modified the story claiming that the cousin was giving her dirty looks and so my wife informed her parents.

    But that wasn't the whole story...she was the one to start text messaging the cousin and trying to get his attention...I even remember her trying to look up his facebook/email account via google. (Yes, Thank Allah for technology...my gmail acct was logged in on her laptop so I could track every website she would visit LIVE).

    So now shes been messaging this man and said sorry, everyone asked to give her one more chance and so I forgave her. Now again after about a week or so I hear that she was sitting in the front seat with a taxi driver and her mother was in the back seat. Why front seat with a taxi driver??

    There have been many other incidents but I am trying to cut this stuff down. I hear a lot of times background noises...like someone whispering and just saying things. In rare cases I hear what they're saying...At that point my heart starts doubting and questioning what it is exactly that she is doing, I ask but she says 'nothing', and says no one is there its just her...just makes up excuses.

    At this point I am not sure what to do...I don't want someone who is going to lie and cheat me all my life...how am I to have kids with someone like this?? I have given her multiple chances in hope that she will change...but I don't see improvements. And her mother even goes to the extent of saying divorce her! we don't care, go ahead divorce her!

    They don't seem to care...I also feel sometime that my wife doesn't care.

    I have explained to her multiple times to not keep relationship with men etc...my parents have also explained but she doesn't seem to listen and keeps making, what she calls 'mistakes' like these.

    What do I do?? I want to make a decision...but I fear of making the wrong decision. I love her very much, but I cannot live with someone who is not going to help me get closer to Allah. I don't want someone who is going to try and go in the opposite direction. At the same time I don't want to divorce her and then get some punishment from Allah...I know one guy who was divorced from his wife and he ended up going to drinking and zina...I don't want that for myself.

    I have tried Istikhara multiple times but I still don't have a decision.

    I know its a lot to read for someone you don't even know...if you read it all, I really appreciate it and hope that Allah rewards you for reading and answering.

  • #2
    Re: Divorce or Not to Divorce

    Originally posted by fayzaan View Post
    Asalaam Alaikum,

    I am new here...I was searching on google trying to find a solution to my problem and I came across this forum in hope for a solution.

    I married my wife over 2 years ago...she is in Pakistan and I am living here in Canada. I have sponsored her and we are at the last steps of the sponsorship process.

    With that said, this relationship has been the most painful event of my entire life, even though my mother left me at the age of 3 or 4.

    Since marriage I have felt in some ways that she doesn't love me...but I let it go, maybe she is shy or we need time to get to know one another.

    Since I cannot stay in Pakistan, I went back to Canada to resume work and continue on with life until my wife's sponsorship completes. But during this time, a lot has happened which has caused damage in our relationship and is now making me question if I should keep this relationship or not.

    When me and my parents left for Canada, we left my wife with my step-mother's mom. My parents notified me that my wife talks to others using the cell phone, messaging and calling these other people. My wife claims that they're her friends. Some family members overheard the conversations and claim that they're male not female friends. And claim that my wife said she does not love me and other things..

    I found out she was messaging my sister's husband on facebook, we ended up closing the account so it would not happen again. Then later she started complaining about my step-mother's family as they don't treat her well and the guys bother her etc. so she got the excuse to live with her own parents.

    During my wife's travel with her uncle to her parents house she made the excuse that she cannot talk to me on the train. Yet I had access to her online phone bills...I noticed her texting and calling various numbers during this time...yet she would ignore my messages that I had sent her.

    The other issue during all this was that she wouldn't call me daily and if I call sometimes she doesn't pick up...tells me it was on vibrate mode. I asked why, after all...she shouldn't be talking to anyone but me...that was the whole purpose of having a cell phone so that we could communicate while away. Sometimes I ask why she didn't call, her response would be ' no reason'...or ' I didn't feel like it'.

    Wow, you didn't feel like it?? I have never had this feeling for her...never have I said that I don't want to talk to my wife today. If she cannot even spare 30 minutes to 1 hour in a 24 hour day, what will happen when we live together??

    In some cases she wouldn't call for 3 days or so and once even for a whole week. I wanted to see how she acts or what kind of reason she comes up with...all she could say was that she was sick so she didn't call me. I don't believe it...

    Later I went to visit her for a month. I find random guys messaging her. One even claiming to know her...he knew my name, her name, what city she has lived in and even described us in our wedding picture (the clothes etc.). I was furious...the guy even offered to meet me but my parents said forget it, must be some joke etc.

    That visit was the worst, I lived with her in my step-mother's mother house and also we spent some time in hotels etc. but man, just due to various things and her not giving me time or caring for me...I didn't know what to do. It was so stressful that some days I would cry and I even have white hair on my beard because of this visit...im only 26!

    Then recently we found that she has been messaging a cousin who is married and has 3 kids. The guy lives next door. His wife found out that my wife has been messaging him. Guess how my wife informed me...she called me and modified the story claiming that the cousin was giving her dirty looks and so my wife informed her parents.

    But that wasn't the whole story...she was the one to start text messaging the cousin and trying to get his attention...I even remember her trying to look up his facebook/email account via google. (Yes, Thank Allah for technology...my gmail acct was logged in on her laptop so I could track every website she would visit LIVE).

    So now shes been messaging this man and said sorry, everyone asked to give her one more chance and so I forgave her. Now again after about a week or so I hear that she was sitting in the front seat with a taxi driver and her mother was in the back seat. Why front seat with a taxi driver??

    There have been many other incidents but I am trying to cut this stuff down. I hear a lot of times background noises...like someone whispering and just saying things. In rare cases I hear what they're saying...At that point my heart starts doubting and questioning what it is exactly that she is doing, I ask but she says 'nothing', and says no one is there its just her...just makes up excuses.

    At this point I am not sure what to do...I don't want someone who is going to lie and cheat me all my life...how am I to have kids with someone like this?? I have given her multiple chances in hope that she will change...but I don't see improvements. And her mother even goes to the extent of saying divorce her! we don't care, go ahead divorce her!

    They don't seem to care...I also feel sometime that my wife doesn't care.

    I have explained to her multiple times to not keep relationship with men etc...my parents have also explained but she doesn't seem to listen and keeps making, what she calls 'mistakes' like these.

    What do I do?? I want to make a decision...but I fear of making the wrong decision. I love her very much, but I cannot live with someone who is not going to help me get closer to Allah. I don't want someone who is going to try and go in the opposite direction. At the same time I don't want to divorce her and then get some punishment from Allah...I know one guy who was divorced from his wife and he ended up going to drinking and zina...I don't want that for myself.

    I have tried Istikhara multiple times but I still don't have a decision.

    I know its a lot to read for someone you don't even know...if you read it all, I really appreciate it and hope that Allah rewards you for reading and answering.
    Red flags flying all over the place.

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Divorce or Not to Divorce

      yep...I even know that she is deceitful.

      After I found out that she was text messaging other people on that train ride to her parents home...she found out I was watching that SIM...so what does she do? she goes out and buys other sim cards to send messages so I wouldn't know. We found this out recently. She claims she tore them...lol you tore them?? my butt you did!

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Divorce or Not to Divorce

        Brother didn't your family research the girls background before marriage? I'm sorry bro, from what you've written, this women will bring pain into your life.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Divorce or Not to Divorce

          Originally posted by Leafwind View Post
          Brother didn't your family research the girls background before marriage? I'm sorry bro, from what you've written, this women will bring pain into your life.
          I second that.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Divorce or Not to Divorce

            The word dayooth comes to mind.

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Divorce or Not to Divorce

              she is a relative's daughter...and you're right, my parents didn't really do their research.

              I hear you Leafwind, I too fear she will bring pain and ruin me. I just want to make the right decision. Everyone including my mother told me to let her go.

              Is there even any doubt left?? I guess I should just divorce her at this point...?

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Divorce or Not to Divorce

                Originally posted by fayzaan View Post
                she is a relative's daughter...and you're right, my parents didn't really do their research.

                I hear you Leafwind, I too fear she will bring pain and ruin me. I just want to make the right decision. Everyone including my mother told me to let her go.

                Is there even any doubt left?? I guess I should just divorce her at this point...?
                Yes please.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Divorce or Not to Divorce

                  whoa whoa wait cooldog...are you saying I am a dayooth?? brother, I am upset that she is doing all this...its not that I don't mind...I do mind 100%.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Divorce or Not to Divorce

                    she is the dayooth, she even told me to have a girlfriend and that she doesn't mind!! I was shocked, and I hoped she meant it only as a jest (although even to joke such a thing is not good)...

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Divorce or Not to Divorce

                      Originally posted by fayzaan View Post
                      she is the dayooth, she even told me to have a girlfriend and that she doesn't mind!! I was shocked, and I hoped she meant it only as a jest (although even to joke such a thing is not good)...
                      :shock:

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Divorce or Not to Divorce

                        yup...later (because she said this on multiple occassions) I started to doubt what is happening...and thought maybe she is using this to get me to have a girlfriend so that she will have an excuse to have relationship with other men...

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Divorce or Not to Divorce

                          Bro, are u a Man?

                          To be called a man , you must be firm with your women, if she as much as looks at another man u let her know how wrong it is.

                          Here you have multiple incidents , and you still droning about how much you wuv her ? What is wrong with u ?

                          Man up and divorce her, marry someone who appreciates being with u , do u know how trashy it is to msg your sisters husband or who eva that was , its disgusting.

                          So yeah, time to man up and kick her out.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: Divorce or Not to Divorce

                            Originally posted by cooldog View Post
                            Bro, are u a Man?

                            To be called a man , you must be firm with your women, if she as much as looks at another man u let her know how wrong it is.

                            Here you have multiple incidents , and you still droning about how much you wuv her ? What is wrong with u ?

                            Man up and divorce her, marry someone who appreciates being with u , do u know how trashy it is to msg your sisters husband or who eva that was , its disgusting.

                            So yeah, time to man up and kick her out.

                            Lol I am not afraid of her, I have yelled at her and explained her on multiple occasions to stop this stupidity. But I forgave and forgave in hopes that in the hereafter Allah will forgive me too. After all, we're supposed to be understanding and merciful to our spouse. I was hoping she would stop this and change.

                            But it seems this stuff has just gone on long enough.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: Divorce or Not to Divorce

                              Originally posted by fayzaan View Post
                              Lol I am not afraid of her, I have yelled at her and explained her on multiple occasions to stop this stupidity. But I forgave and forgave in hopes that in the hereafter Allah will forgive me too. After all, we're supposed to be understanding and merciful to our spouse. I was hoping she would stop this and change.

                              But it seems this stuff has just gone on long enough.
                              Enough of the forgiveness, she is taking u for a ride.
                              Last edited by cooldog; 24-03-13, 07:56 AM.

                              Comment

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