Is it better to live in the UK?

[Bleuvert]

Re: Is it better to live in the UK?

Submitter, what you said makes sense. If I knew how my ex husband treated his female relatives I dont think I would have married him. But I'm not sure how you can find it out, because normally mothers praise their sons and don't reveal their drawbacks...and some people are good at pretending to be polite and caring sons and brothers...
I do have some Bengali brothers I'm working with, and for example I could consider such a person because their views and attitude is similar to mine. But their families are quiet different, I mean elder members...and since the first education is the one the person gets from his family, I cant really understand if such mens' mindset has been influenced more by their family's rules and traditions or by surroundings and lifestyle in the UK

[neelu]

Re: Is it better to live in the UK?

Sister these drawbacks you mention about Turkey (Muslims backbiting, being nice to your face but doing bad things behind your back, false piety whilst turning to drugs or prostitutes etc)- this stuff goes on everywhere, wherever you go you will find this among all communities including Muslim communities everywhere there are sections of society who will be doing such things. We're in the dunya, we're not in Jannah where all the pieces fit together and all the believers are in a perfect situation and we also don't have proper Islamic rule anywhere in the world to prevent these vices either so these problems will be around wherever you go.

I think if you find a decent pious brother who is open minded about marrying you and accepting your child then you should consider him regardless of his background. I can understand why you prefer reverts because non reverts tend to have a lot more involvement from their families in the decision making process and this can be very complicated (especially as a divorcee with a child is considered a taboo thing in a lot of culturally minded families), but having said that, don't restrict yourself too much that he needs to be a revert or needs to be from such and such background as it's hard enough to find a good accepting brother as it is.

I do not agree with the suggestion to look within the South Asian community for the sake of finding a supportive family environment. South Asian families vary hugely. Some might be supportive and welcoming whereas others would consider you to be an outsider (some totally disapprove of a non Asian daughter in law regardless of her deen whereas some might like you for the wrong reasons because they seek a white woman as a trophy wife) and what complicates matters further is you'd usually be expected to live with the in laws as well so that can get very complicated if you are expected to live in a house where half the people don't make you feel welcome at all.

I'm not saying to avoid considering them at all, but rather I'm suggesting you consider people very carefully and don't just assume they are practising Muslims so they will treat you nicely. There are two important things you need to carefully consider if you're proposed marriage from a guy from a Muslim family; a) is he pious (not just if he looks pious with a beard and thobe but in something beyond a superficial way) and b) does he have the guts to stand up to wrong doing and unIslamic practises, even if it means correcting his parents and older siblings (and he should correct people with manners as well, you don't want a rude or arrogant husband either). Even many men who are active in dawah and outspoken wouldn't dare to forbid haram and shirk when it comes to their immediate family and would even become angry with the wife if she speaks out about it.

So just be aware of these things if you receive a proposal from such a person and let them know you have a wali who can speak to them on your behalf. If he is genuine then he will be happy with that but if he has bad intentions he will flee as soon as you mention it. My cousin came to this country after getting divorced and brought her toddler daughter with her. My cousin is very naive and talked openly to everyone even people she hardly knew so people knew she was hoping to marry someone here. A flatmate said she had a relative in Nottingham who would be interested in marrying her and he would like to meet her so they made arrangements to invite him on a particular day. My cousin spoke to the Nottingham man on the phone and said to him to give a little advance notice as to when he would come round so that she can inform her uncle (my dad) and he can meet him too. As soon as the man heard that she had an elder male relative in this country... let's just say she never heard from him again and we realised that he must've been really bad news if simply informing him that her uncle would like to be present was enough to scare him away. We shudder to think what kind of motives he must have had.

[Adeeb88]

Re: Is it better to live in the UK?

if you do I recommend Bradford and Birmingham

[Ibadah]

Re: Is it better to live in the UK?

If you ever come to east london, post here and id get my sister to contact you inshaAllah, we look after our blood (muslims) down here, so dont let a few comments saying how uk is so bad put you off, down where i live, its mashaAllah amazing and fajr time feels abit like saudi (as you get muslims from all corners and race coming to pray). I guess im blessed to live down here

Also, currently we are having classes for arabic n tajweed done in "english" for both brothers and sisters, we have an alim/alimah course going on every year so mashaAllah, its never been easier to gain ilm, also regularly we have talks in english done by sheikhs from all over the world. The older generations have done a brillant job in setting up these masajids for us mashaAllah, but i guess people judge them cause they speak "urdu", all i can say is they are getting better and better everyday and i can almost guarantee that you would feel welcome, well id make sure of it as my sisters would sort you out.

[Bleuvert]

Re: Is it better to live in the UK?

Sister these drawbacks you mention about Turkey (Muslims backbiting, being nice to your face but doing bad things behind your back, false piety whilst turning to drugs or prostitutes etc)- this stuff goes on everywhere, wherever you go you will find this among all communities including Muslim communities everywhere there are sections of society who will be doing such things.

Still I haven't noticed such things too much in Russia...I don't say Russia is better, but at least I can see directly that this person a drinker, or cheater, or whatever and keep away from him. I mean people here don't tend to pretend religious.

I do not agree with the suggestion to look within the South Asian community for the sake of finding a supportive family environment. South Asian families vary hugely. Some might be supportive and welcoming whereas others would consider you to be an outsider (some totally disapprove of a non Asian daughter in law regardless of her deen whereas some might like you for the wrong reasons because they seek a white woman as a trophy wife) and what complicates matters further is you'd usually be expected to live with the in laws as well so that can get very complicated if you are expected to live in a house where half the people don't make you feel welcome at all.

That is very important. I am not able to live in the same house with in-laws. I tried it once and my ex's family loved me so much and always was very kind to me, but I wouldn't be able to live with in-laws on a permanent basis.

[Bleuvert]

Re: Is it better to live in the UK?

Ibadah I was staying at East London during my first visit...I saw there were mosques and halal shops and many muslims, but since all of them were of different ethnicity I just didn't dare to approach...but yeah I guess next time it would be better for me to have someone around so that I could mingle and get a better idea of what kind of life Muslims live there

[ruwaydah]

[*asiya*]

Re: Is it better to live in the UK?

If you ever come to east london, post here and id get my sister to contact you inshaAllah, we look after our blood (muslims) down here, so dont let a few comments saying how uk is so bad put you off, down where i live, its mashaAllah amazing and fajr time feels abit like saudi (as you get muslims from all corners and race coming to pray). I guess im blessed to live down here

Also, currently we are having classes for arabic n tajweed done in "english" for both brothers and sisters, we have an alim/alimah course going on every year so mashaAllah, its never been easier to gain ilm, also regularly we have talks in english done by sheikhs from all over the world. The older generations have done a brillant job in setting up these masajids for us mashaAllah, but i guess people judge them cause they speak "urdu", all i can say is they are getting better and better everyday and i can almost guarantee that you would feel welcome, well id make sure of it as my sisters would sort you out.

well that all sounds lovely masha Allah, perhaps you can drop me a reminder when these classes by shayookh from all over the world (in english) are going on.I just never get to hear about these thing. As the sahabbah used to say, the ppl of makkah know the streets of makkah best.

[Ibadah]

Re: Is it better to live in the UK?

Ok deffo asiya, i will post here or pm you when an event happens inshaAllah, i think something is going on in december, but i will let you know inshaAllah when i get the full details, im just very busy with my course at moment so cant be as active in these events.