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Is Shyness an Excuse to be Rude?

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  • Is Shyness an Excuse to be Rude?

    Assalam Alaikum

    Shy people often find it hard to initiate conversations or go out of their way to meet someone in an effort to maintain ties of kinship - they may love their families as much as the next person, but clearly cant show it, so it comes across as being rude, uncaring etc.

    Is shyness an legitmate excuse to stay away from such duties or should shy people grow a backbone and do something about it? Its a strange one as haya is encouraged in the deen and being shy can save you from a lot of fitna but then it can also lead to this.

    PS im not having a go at people as im fairly shy myself (with certain people)

  • #2
    Re: Is Shyness an Excuse to be Rude?

    :wswrwb:

    Your family members should know what kind of a person you are InshaAllah. So no need to take offense.

    Of course, you sound try to keep a good standing with everyone. Make an effort nonetheless.
    Secure few moments, everyday, to reflect upon the innumerable blessings of Allah and thank Him for bestowing them upon you.

    "A person who is blessed with the ability to be grateful, shall never be deprived of barakah and increase in blessings."
    - Rasulullah (صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم)‎

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    • #3
      Re: Is Shyness an Excuse to be Rude?

      :wswrwb: maybe theyre not just shy but they have what is called today aspegers or some level of autisim, its the same as being shy, not being able to make eye contact easily, appearing quiet so it comes across as shyness but with the added difficulty of not knowing how to maintain freindships, you might call them they never call you but they love you and think about you all the time, but they dont know how to go about making that call or visit someone.

      to be able to do it takes a lot of effort and when they finally get round to finding the courage o do it, everything comes out wrong because theyre so nervous, and dont have the ability to know how to have a conversation or what people actually talk about or why regarding mundane everyday matters, so they dont try again before months have passed because they have nothing to talk about in the way other people make small talk, they see it as a waste of time and unimportant.

      ppl with this are just better and find it much easier to be on their own. everyones different go easy on them and dont expect everyone in your family or even in the world to conform to your idea of "normal" and expected behavior. you call it rude, theyre just being themselves.
      Last edited by *asiya*; 24-06-12, 02:59 PM.
      "O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do." [An-Nisa 4:135]

      The Prophet :saw: said:

      "Whosoever leaves off obedience and separates from the Jamaa'ah and dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah. Whoever fights under the banner of the blind, becoming angry for 'asabiyyah (nationalism/tribalism/partisanship) or calling to 'asabiyyah, or assisting 'asabiyyah, then dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah."

      muslim

      Narrated 'Abdullah:

      The Prophet, said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)." sahih bukhari


      "Creeping upon you is the diseases of those people before you: envy and hatred. And hatred is the thing that shaves. I do not say it shaves the hair but it shaves the religion!

      By the One in whose Hand is my soul, you will not enter paradise until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another. Certainly, let me inform you of that which may establish such things: spread the greetings and peace among yourselves."

      [Recorded by Imam Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi]

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      • #4
        Re: Is Shyness an Excuse to be Rude?

        :wswrwb:

        As mirror said, your family should know what you're like and not take offence. but being excessively shy isn't a good thing for a man, depending on what shy means. If shy means being bashful and modest and having haya and sharam then it's good, but if it's just about not finding a voice to speak up or having a fear of people looking at him or drawing attention to himself then it can be a problem. There are times when a man has to be step up and at that point, being shy isn't right.
        Rajab is a month of cultivation, Shaban is month of irrigating the fields, and the month of Ramadhan is a month of reaping and harvesting.”

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        • #5
          Re: Is Shyness an Excuse to be Rude?

          Originally posted by -Shamil- View Post
          Assalam Alaikum

          Shy people often find it hard to initiate conversations or go out of their way to meet someone in an effort to maintain ties of kinship - they may love their families as much as the next person, but clearly cant show it, so it comes across as being rude, uncaring etc.

          Is shyness an legitmate excuse to stay away from such duties or should shy people grow a backbone and do something about it? Its a strange one as haya is encouraged in the deen and being shy can save you from a lot of fitna but then it can also lead to this.

          PS im not having a go at people as im fairly shy myself (with certain people)
          yes some people think you are rude when you dont talk to them. in my observation its normal for brothers? they usually dont say anything, but show their affection through their actions so whats wrong with that?

          and i totally agree with brother mirror and Medievalist post.
          Last edited by Humble Warrior; 24-06-12, 03:57 PM.
          like the example of a rain whose [resulting] plant growth pleases the tillers; then it dries and you see it turned yellow; then it becomes [scattered] debris. And in the Hereafter is severe punishment and forgiveness from Allah and approval. And what is the worldly life except the enjoyment of delusion.
          [Al-Hadid, 20]

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          • #6
            Re: Is Shyness an Excuse to be Rude?

            Strange I was thinking about this today. If you prefer to be alone and are anti-social, is it a sin or "bad" if you don't go and visit your extended family?

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Is Shyness an Excuse to be Rude?

              Originally posted by .mirror. View Post
              :wswrwb:

              Your family members should know what kind of a person you are InshaAllah. So no need to take offense.

              Of course, you sound try to keep a good standing with everyone. Make an effort nonetheless.
              They may not know you very well because you haven't really interacted with them. Shyness can sometimes be mistaken for snobiness.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Is Shyness an Excuse to be Rude?

                I'm not really shy, rather the opposite, I'll talk to anyone if I feel the need to. However I am quite introverted indeed and can last a long time without seeing anyone. Yeah I've had people I know get offended by it, especially if I never liked hanging out with them in the first place. But... they're just going to have to live with it, some things are good and shouldn't change, especially when it prevents you from wasting time at some restaurant having empty conversation.

                I do get a bit intimidated to go visit relatives sometimes too, even though they're only two hours drive away. This is because we're fairly different, and our mentalities just don't really mix well. It's not that there are clashes, no they think I'm super nice and I think the same about them, it's just that we can sit there and not much at all will be said by either side that will interest the other. They have friends though, and some of those people liked me a lot, others looked upon my existence with general disgust. Complicated sitch, plus all my cousins are girls, I don't really feel comfortable being there.

                So yeah, that's why I rarely visit them, but I've been kicking myself for that, I'm sure I'm wrong for being like that and I should visit them asap, insha Allah when I get back there.
                والمبادرة إلى التكفير إنما تغلب على طباع من يغلب عليهم الجهل - ابن تيمية رحمه الله - بغية المرتاد

                "Rushing towards takfir is an attitude which is dominant over those who are defeated by ignorance." - Ibn Taymiyyah Rahimahullah [Bughyatul Murtaad, page 354]

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                • #9
                  Re: Is Shyness an Excuse to be Rude?

                  :wswrwb:

                  I'm too shy to speak to my aunts and grandma on the phone and refuse to join my mum to speak to them on skype, but that might also be coz I dont really know them and wont have anything to say. I'm probably shy coz the only place i met ppl was at school/college, our family never did anything and hardly ever visits relatives. When people come over I just salam them and go to my room. :(

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Is Shyness an Excuse to be Rude?

                    Originally posted by *asiya* View Post
                    :wswrwb: maybe theyre not just shy but they have what is called today aspegers or some level of autisim, its the same as being shy, not being able to make eye contact easily, appearing quiet so it comes across as shyness but with the added difficulty of not knowing how to maintain freindships, you might call them they never call you but they love you and think about you all the time, but they dont know how to go about making that call or visit someone.

                    to be able to do it takes a lot of effort and when they finally get round to finding the courage o do it, everything comes out wrong because theyre so nervous, and dont have the ability to know how to have a conversation or what people actually talk about or why regarding mundane everyday matters, so they dont try again before months have passed because they have nothing to talk about in the way other people make small talk, they see it as a waste of time and unimportant.

                    ppl with this are just better and find it much easier to be on their own. everyones different go easy on them and dont expect everyone in your family or even in the world to conform to your idea of "normal" and expected behavior. you call it rude, theyre just being themselves.
                    JZK. thats interesting - i think i must have had aspergers when i was younger - and then i grew out of it, if thats possible

                    the symptoms you describe, i know how the people feel and it is a difficult situation - i think the problem is people with this syndrome over-analyse everything...they may have a conversation and then analyse every word and think theyve made a fool out of themselves when the other person isnt thinking that at all

                    since i had the same problem, i feel like i can talk to people with extreme shyness and get them to talk to me - the trick is to ask them questions about something theyre interested in and passionabt about and not waste time on pointless small talk which they cant really do

                    but i fear they will still come across as rude if they dont make an effort to keep in touch with elders in particular - its tough for such people but i think in many communities this notion of aspergers is not known and they see it as simply a cold and uncaring attitude

                    PS I agree with Medi - for a man to have this problem is an even greater issue - as a man you are expected to speak up and make decisions, not hide behind shyness

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Is Shyness an Excuse to be Rude?

                      Originally posted by x--x View Post
                      Strange I was thinking about this today. If you prefer to be alone and are anti-social, is it a sin or "bad" if you don't go and visit your extended family?
                      i think it is - i prefer to be alone myself but i think we have to make an effort to maintain ties - it something im working on as it doesnt come naturally to me

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Is Shyness an Excuse to be Rude?

                        Originally posted by -Shamil- View Post
                        i think it is - i prefer to be alone myself but i think we have to make an effort to maintain ties - it something im working on as it doesnt come naturally to me
                        cant you just give them gifts and run away? :embar: that would do for maintaining ties, no?

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Is Shyness an Excuse to be Rude?

                          Originally posted by cho09082489 View Post
                          cant you just give them gifts and run away? :embar: that would do for maintaining ties, no?
                          hahaha if you bother to turn up with gifts, you might aswell make an effort to speak to them!

                          to be honest elders would prefer to talk than have gifts - but the problem for people of our age is that

                          1) we either dont know what talk about with people who are from a much different age group
                          2) we dont have a brilliant grasp of our native languages so conversation becomes difficult

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                          • #14
                            Re: Is Shyness an Excuse to be Rude?

                            if u dont shake hands with pakistani people , its considered rude .....

                            but shy people cant do that , so they seen as rude or proud people.



                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: Is Shyness an Excuse to be Rude?

                              i've got this problem with shyness and maintaining ties.
                              i usually just leave it to my parents to keep kinship ties because i wouldn't know what to say.

                              it used to be really bad when i was younger and my parents (and extended family) didn't help by constantly going on about it.
                              i somehow developed a dislike for visiting family and i completly hate guests that come over. i'm always panicking when we have guests - i hate it so much especially when they are staying over.

                              yes people do see it as rude, but what are you supposed to say to your grandparents, uncles and aunties. they are so much older - you don't know what to talk about and you don't want to look stupid either.
                              "O you who have believed, shall I guide you to a transaction that will save you from a painful punishment?
                              (It is that) you believe in Allah and His Messenger and strive in the cause of Allah with your wealth and your lives. That is best for you, if you should know.
                              He will forgive for you your sins and admit you to gardens beneath which rivers flow and pleasant dwellings in gardens of perpetual residence. That is the great attainment"
                              .


                              "And (you will obtain) another (favour) that you love - victory from Allah and an imminent conquest; and give good tidings to the believers"
                              .

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