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Reconcilation wth a hardened wife - Please help

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  • Reconcilation wth a hardened wife - Please help

    Salaam Aliakum

    I am in need of urgent help. My wifes heart has hardened and she wants seperation. I love my wife dearly and deeply yet I have ignored her demands and taken them lightly in the past few months. She now wants seperation. We have been married for three years and prior to that knew each other for 4 years and loved each other emensily. I am heartbroken and upset and praying to Allah to help me and her and guide us and to soften her heart. She is not listening, not allowing me to touch her and has almost abondoned me. I am extremely upset. My wife is my life and I cannot live without her, yet I may have not conveyed this to her properly and ignored her needs in the past few months. She now says she sees me only as a friend and not as a lover or husbund. All this happened gradually but for me it seemed very quick as I was blind.

    Recently I have started praying regularly which I never did before and asking Allah day and night to please soften my wifes heart and help us reconcile and save our marriage. My wife is not praying regularly and I dont know what to do. I am praying on her behalf as I love and care for her and want to save our marriage and her. Shaytan may have hardened her heart and preventing her from being forgiving. She sees I am very upset but that has no effect on her anymore.

    I need expert advise. Please can someone help and advise. Islamically what can I do to save my marriage.

    Please help I am desperate.

    Jazakallah
    Last edited by irfanrabia; 18-05-12, 02:04 PM.

  • #2
    Re: Reconcilation wth a hardened wife - Please help

    You can seek marriage counseling. As a woman I can understand she could give up on her after you've been ignoring her needs and request. To a woman that behavior pretty much says "You are not important, I don't care, I don't love you." Take a proactive role in educating yourself about the needs of men and women in a relationship and what it means to be a good husband.

    You cannot fix this by putting on a show, she will see through it. You need to show her you are serious about listening to her grievances, validating them, and acting on fixing them. That means when she tells you what had been bothering her about you, you don't argue back. Even if you feel she misunderstood, you validate her point of view letting her know she has been heard, and letting her know she is not wrong for feeling the way she feels. Then you apologize for leading her to feel that way even if you didn't do anything wrong, or didn't hurt her on purpose. You accept you need to change your behavior even if it wasn't wrong, because it hurt her and you don't want to hurt her anymore. Then you make a plan to change things and you follow through with it. Let her express her needs then make a routine that will incorporate her needs. This is your top priority. You need to make her a top priority, her needs are important and you need to live this way from now on.
    Blessed is He in Whose Hand is the Dominion, and He is Able to do all things. (67.1)

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    • #3
      Re: Reconcilation wth a hardened wife - Please help

      Try: Muslim Family Matters.

      They provide counselling services. THey dont have a fully operational website yet but the number I have for them is:

      07598 763 240

      Hope that helps.

      May Allah (swt) make it easy for you.

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      • #4
        Re: Reconcilation wth a hardened wife - Please help

        :wswrwb:

        Why is she behaving like this after 3 years, though?
        Secure few moments, everyday, to reflect upon the innumerable blessings of Allah and thank Him for bestowing them upon you.

        "A person who is blessed with the ability to be grateful, shall never be deprived of barakah and increase in blessings."
        - Rasulullah (صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم)‎

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        • #5
          Re: Reconcilation wth a hardened wife - Please help

          You probably have not shown her this thread.If not,do it.It is about her needs,your acknowledgments and positive reactions.Inshallah the results will also be positive.

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          • #6
            Re: Reconcilation wth a hardened wife - Please help

            Originally posted by .mirror. View Post
            :wswrwb:

            Why is she behaving like this after 3 years, though?
            what Do you mean by this brother?
            ▪️••• 〰 Say what you wish in abuse of me, for my silence towards the idiot is indeed an answer. I am not at a loss for a response, but rather it does not befit the lion to answer the dogs. 〰 •••▪️

            ~ IMAM SHAFI'I RH

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            • #7
              Re: Reconcilation wth a hardened wife - Please help

              I mean, why does she want separation?

              Surely, there's a reason behind all of this.
              Secure few moments, everyday, to reflect upon the innumerable blessings of Allah and thank Him for bestowing them upon you.

              "A person who is blessed with the ability to be grateful, shall never be deprived of barakah and increase in blessings."
              - Rasulullah (صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم)‎

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Reconcilation wth a hardened wife - Please help

                Asalamu Alaikum,

                You're relationship with Allah is more important for both of you guys. Both of you need to return to Allah and seek forgiveness and help. Then surely Allah will provide.

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                • #9
                  Re: Reconcilation wth a hardened wife - Please help

                  if she doesn't want to give the marriage atry, doesn't want to go to councelling, etc, then give her 1 divorce and let her remain in the waiting period. if by the end of the waiting period she hasn't changed her mind, let the waiting period end so that she can be divorced. chances are that when she realizes the end of marriage is here, she will change her mind. if she still doesn't want to remain with you, there's no reason why you should make her.

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                  • #10
                    Re: Reconcilation wth a hardened wife - Please help

                    Salaam Alaikum

                    Thanks for all your replies. I continue to pray to Allah to guide me and my wife and pray to remove all evil whispering , waswasah that are playing on my wifes mind. I am taking proactive steps but her heart is hardened. I am being patient. She is not praying and I am slowly trying to restore faith in her heart for Allah and respect for me as her husbund and our Islamic culture which she seems to have forgotten. This may take time and with Ramadhan coming I am praying she changes. But for me this is torture right now and I am taking each day at a time.

                    I am listening to all your advise and taking on board what positive's I find on my way. Please continue to advise.

                    Also are their any online Ulama who I can approach for advise.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Reconcilation wth a hardened wife - Please help

                      :wswrwb: im going to be straight and just say this and i dont mean to be harsh inshaAllah u wont take it that way, it seems there could be a little more than meets the eye, for example its interesting that you say that you think of your wife as hardened, and speak of her not respecting you, but at the same time you actually speak about her with little respect yourself, as if she is a naughty child, not a grown woman. yes u say u love her, she is ur life and so on masha Allah, Allah preserve that, but maybe u dont show it to her that way ?

                      we know from the sunnah men have to be patient with their wives, overlook their mistakes, and make sure they are not over burdening them in regards to your expectations of them in what you see as their responsbilities as a wife. islamic culture, puts no burden on a woman at all.

                      maybe u need to ask yourself if it is at all possible that she is geniunely fed up with the way you have been treating her in some way ? to the degree shes feeling opressed and even her iman is weak because of what shes been dealing with.. its hard to find a woman who is being treated well by her husband who wants a divorce..

                      i dont know if thats the case, im just saying u dont speak about her entirerly as if u love or care about her or even understand her... all im saying is maybe you need to sit down with her and see if thats the case.

                      may Allah guide ur wife, and Allah unite ur hearts again on islam amin.
                      Last edited by *asiya*; 18-05-12, 02:27 PM.
                      "O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do." [An-Nisa 4:135]

                      The Prophet :saw: said:

                      "Whosoever leaves off obedience and separates from the Jamaa'ah and dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah. Whoever fights under the banner of the blind, becoming angry for 'asabiyyah (nationalism/tribalism/partisanship) or calling to 'asabiyyah, or assisting 'asabiyyah, then dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah."

                      muslim

                      Narrated 'Abdullah:

                      The Prophet, said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)." sahih bukhari


                      "Creeping upon you is the diseases of those people before you: envy and hatred. And hatred is the thing that shaves. I do not say it shaves the hair but it shaves the religion!

                      By the One in whose Hand is my soul, you will not enter paradise until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another. Certainly, let me inform you of that which may establish such things: spread the greetings and peace among yourselves."

                      [Recorded by Imam Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi]

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                      • #12
                        Re: Reconcilation wth a hardened wife - Please help

                        Sorry if you assumed this. This is absolutely not the case. Yes I am human and I am by no means perfect. I have made my mistakes which I have admitted in my original post. However I do respect her very much. I am being very gentle and patient.

                        Jazakallah
                        Last edited by irfanrabia; 19-05-12, 04:09 PM.

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