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Cultural dilemmas and Personal failures

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  • Cultural dilemmas and Personal failures

    Dear Whomever may read this,

    It will be long but if you can read through this and offer some honest advice then that will be great because I can sure as hell use it.

    First my Dilemma,

    In Jan 2011, I realized that I had everything going for me, except one minor detail i.e. I have never ever had a real GF and that I am a virgin. This reality hit me like a brick in the face and 8 months on, I still haven’t come to grips with it. After 4 agonizing months conflicting emotions of contemplating how can I loose my V-Card and get a GF, I decided that I will talk to my parents about getting married (because that was the only right decision). Another month went by before I could muster up the courage to tell them that I was ready for marriage and if they had someone in mind we should discuss.

    They heard me seriously and gave me lots of reassuring promises. However to-date nothing came off it. They just go lazily about their days as they always have.


    What makes it worse is that I know if I go out clubbing for 2 weeks straight, I will get laid for sure and that I can score a land whale with my eyes closed. If all else fails, I can always get a hooker and go through with this. Yet I can never bring myself to do any of these things. Not because I lack to courage … but because of the moral / religious code I was brought up on just dosen’t allow me to do that. I see my brother going out on dates, I see nearly all my friends either already in LTR, married or living it up on one night stands. I see all my cousins in Pakistan and other Islamic countries seem to be living a very western life styles and that makes me wonder if I am wasting my best years chasing some bull**** moral code which in reality will just leave me ****ty in bed and bitter towards the world.

    One or two friends I opened up to - didn’t go all that well; they trashed me … but I know they only did that to appease their false Gods and justify their flawed lifestyles. I contemplated seeing a shrink to address the fact that lack of a companion was really starting to bother me, but decided against it because I know no western shrink will understand the real religious/moral dilemma here and would either prescribe medicine or tell me that I have mental hold ups around women (which I know, I don’t).

    Finally, I still dream of a life where if I get married in the traditional way, for my partner to be a virgin as well. All my friends told me that I was living in a fool’s paradise and it won’t happen. When I spoke to my parents, my mom came to the rescue of non-virgin girls like some angle … which made me angry … very very angry; here this women had spent 26 years telling me the virtues of an life in accordance with principles and codes of Islam and yet when I tell her that I expect them from my partner … she turned her colors on me completely ... as if those rules don't apply outside of our little world.

    At that point (when I had this conversation with my parents) I lost all faith in myself, my moral / religious code, my reality and have promised myself that before the first sunrise of 2012, I will get laid as clearly whatever mumbo-jumbo I had been fed was garbage.

    Yet, every time I pray I uncontrollably pray to God to keep me from the really bad decisions I am about to make and there lies the conflict. Where on one hand, I have decided that by hook or by crook, I will get a GF or at the very least lose my V-Card and yet I pray to be kept away from my own decisions.

    Any advice or feedback would be great.

    Regards,

    anonmuslim


    A little about myself

    I am a guy. I just turned 26. I am young professional, employed full time in my profession, studying full time (M. Eng) and live at home with my parents (I moved back after 7 years). I live in a western metropolitan city. I am financially well off (or so I think), I take care of myself (i.e. I have a fitness trainer and an Image consultant) and I mention the above so that I wouldn’t come off as an 800 lb unhygienic gorilla as I describe my dilemma, but rather just another fellow muslim trapped in a land that isn't his.

  • #2
    Re: Cultural dilemmas and Personal failures

    sorry mate off topic.

    your user name first glance looks like a-non-muslim instead of anon(ymouse)muslim (im guessing).

    There are two kinds of pride, both good and bad. 'Good pride' represents our dignity and self-respect. 'Bad pride' is the deadly sin of superiority that reeks of conceit and arrogance.


    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Cultural dilemmas and Personal failures

      I am shocked. Before I read the last part about you being 26 I thought you'd be a teeenager with all the talk about V-card (seriously?) and getting a hooker/gf.

      On one hand you're saying you're going to get laid sooner rather than later, then you're saying you expect a virign wife...

      And why are you so easily influenced by people around you? Are you a sheep who just sees and follows with your tail between your legs? Wow everyone is having one night stands so you have to too? Clearly you have no confidence in your own moral standards and are willing to lower yourself to the gutters just to follow the crowd and fit in.

      You should bear in mind that adulterers will be burned in hell for commiting zina. Now you can decide if 'scoring a land whale' (disgusting) is worth being burned in an oven as Allah swt tells us you will if you go ahead with your extreamly cheap plans along with your gf/hooker. At least you'll have a companion while you're there though.

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Cultural dilemmas and Personal failures

        Do it right through the proper channels i.e. marriage. Don't depend on your parents to find someone. Be proactive in the search or else you could end up being a sitting duck.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Cultural dilemmas and Personal failures

          Originally posted by x--x View Post
          I am shocked. Before I read the last part about you being 26 I thought you'd be a teeenager with all the talk about V-card (seriously?) and getting a hooker/gf.

          On one hand you're saying you're going to get laid sooner rather than later, then you're saying you expect a virign wife...

          And why are you so easily influenced by people around you? Are you a sheep who just sees and follows with your tail between your legs? Wow everyone is having one night stands so you have to too? Clearly you have no confidence in your own moral standards and are willing to lower yourself to the gutters just to follow the crowd and fit in.

          You should bear in mind that adulterers will be burned in hell for commiting zina. Now you can decide if 'scoring a land whale' (disgusting) is worth being burned in an oven as Allah swt tells us you will if you go ahead with your extreamly cheap plans along with your gf/hooker. At least you'll have a companion while you're there though.

          exactly ... there's nothing i disagree with ... but why so mad?

          u'd only understand the flip-flop mindset if u'd have been in my situation.

          basically, i held my head high all through high-school, university etc. always followed my own values even when i knew that i was "this" close. Now, though every day i put up the same brave face; i know i am not as strong as before, i know i will make a horrid decision; its just a matter of when not If. thats why i posted here ... to see if there was anyone else in my shoes.

          but now its really starting to bother me. The parents have the same standard mindset where ... "beta ... you have to be 'set'". Clearly the friends i made over the years don't share the same value set as me; and i should have had thought of that before hand. But now that I look around, every single muslim girl (yes, 100% of them) on my road has a BF. This is what truly bothers me; basically its makes me feel that i will never find anyone in the circles i walk in.


          Do it right through the proper channels i.e. marriage. Don't depend on your parents to find someone. Be proactive in the search or else you could end up being a sitting duck.
          honestly that makes sense, yet i don't even know where to start. and if u know the mind-set of Pakistani parents ... i promise you 110% they will make a War-Zone out of it ... if i find someone on my own without their input, i promise u that.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Cultural dilemmas and Personal failures

            You don't need to write up the nikah contract. Find someone that interests you and get the wali's contact info etc. Tell your parents.. such and such family is interested or I'm interested...can you go meet them?

            This way you have some control and also you're not waiting on anybody and your parents will feel part of the process. How does that sound?

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Cultural dilemmas and Personal failures

              Try halfourdeen.com

              If you're 26 and don't expect your parents to help you get married, the only logical conclusion is find a WIFE (notice not GF) yourself. As to your parents throwing up a storm, be diplomatic, nice, and assuring, but put your foot down.

              Lastly, I don't know about you, but the one lesson I have learned by constantly making mistakes is that disobeying Allah (SWT) only leads to more pain and suffering. You mentioned how your friends are living it up by having one-night stands... how do you think that these people will adjust to married life? As a man, once you've tasted sexual sin, it takes a tooth-and-nail effort to fight it off. Once you get hooked, you'll be thinking about one-night stands and hookers whether you're happy, depressed, sad, ecstatic... rain, or shine, you'll be thinking about it.
              Salam! :)

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Cultural dilemmas and Personal failures

                Well if you want to know if anyone is in the same shoes... I am going through a phase of desiring to wear "nice clothes" outwith the hijab. I think this may have something to do with our age... and hitting a mini quarter life crisis... where you start looking at your life in comparison to others and wonder why you are ageing unhappily whilst others appear to be free, happy worry free of hell fire.

                I would give it time... and try to let it pass. In the mean time... try to find a wife yourself through the proper channels... and you don't need your parents permission... so just get on with it. If they shout and scream afterwards... they will calm down in time as they all do.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Cultural dilemmas and Personal failures

                  Assalamu Alaikum brother,

                  Let's look at the positives - you have these desires yet you haven't given in to them. Your own brother dates (which is haram) and all your friends are in long term relationships or living it up with one night stands - also all haram.

                  Shaitaan has managed to infiltrate them but is still working his way through you, filling your head with these thoughts that once you get laid, everything will be alright. And everyone else is doing it, so why not right?

                  The reason not to is because Alhamdulillah you're a Muslim. Allah has chosen you for the perfect way of life which shields you away from shaitaan and his whisperings. We all know that giving into these desires is a major sin unless you are married - so why bother? Why give in to the cursed one who promised to lead man astray from the path of his Creator?

                  Yes I can understand it's frustrating, you want that life with someone, you want to be intimate etc... but it will come when the time is right. Let me remind you of this verse from the Quran:

                  Let no man guilty of adultery or fornication marry and but a woman similarly guilty, or an Unbeliever: nor let any but such a man or an Unbeliever marry such a woman: to the Believers such a thing is forbidden. (24:3)

                  Do you want to ruin your chances of Allah blessing you with a pure chaste wife just for a few minutes of fun? Of course not. So what if other people are doing it? They'll be held accountable for it. They'll pay for it in this life or the next, Allah knows best. I'd say stop associating with these people, and tell your brother that there is no place in Islam for dating.

                  These are the temptations of living in the modern world. It's no longer confined to being in the West, as you've mentioned your cousins in Pakistan are living it up. But let me assure you you're not wasting the best years of your life living up to this moral code, you're PREPARING for the best time of your life i.e. the akhirah - where by staying on the right path and avoiding these major sins you will be heading straight to Jannat Insha'Allah.

                  Be patient my brother. Focus your energy on your relationship with Allah. Ensure your salats are in order, do extra things like fasting outside of Ramadhan. Remember that fasting is a way of controlling these urges and you will be rewarded for that Insha'Allah. Pray Tahajudd - as this is when Allah is closest to us and listens to our duas.

                  And of course, ask Allah for His guidance, His mercy, His help. Allah loves those who ask for His help.

                  P.S. Image consultant?!?

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Cultural dilemmas and Personal failures

                    Originally posted by Lightindarkness View Post
                    Well if you want to know if anyone is in the same shoes... I am going through a phase of desiring to wear "nice clothes" outwith the hijab. I think this may have something to do with our age... and hitting a mini quarter life crisis... where you start looking at your life in comparison to others and wonder why you are ageing unhappily whilst others appear to be free, happy worry free of hell fire.

                    I would give it time... and try to let it pass. In the mean time... try to find a wife yourself through the proper channels... and you don't need your parents permission... so just get on with it. If they shout and scream afterwards... they will calm down in time as they all do.
                    For one i am glad to hear from someone who can relate to the tornado conjuring up in my head! see it always sounds easy to find a wife ... but for someone who never really cared for the dating scene or frankly even girls until fairly recently ... how will this come about?

                    Do you just walk upto someone and ask to marry them? offcourse not. at the same time the rotating polyandry of dating also sounds very disturbing. i mean ... i won't think much of a girl if she is willing to go out with me (clearly i am not gona meet her in her parents house ... hahaha) for the same reason if she is willing to go our with anyone else.

                    I don't compare my life to others, frankly its really really good when i hear others going on about their stuff. Its the choices they seem to be making are the ones I want to make and I know i can make .... but alas these chains that hold my feet.

                    btw, i just go my Bike License today ... so yea ... its a Quarter Age Crisis alright.


                    Originally posted by Listener_x View Post
                    Assalamu Alaikum brother,

                    Let's look at the positives - you have these desires yet you haven't given in to them. Your own brother dates (which is haram) and all your friends are in long term relationships or living it up with one night stands - also all haram.

                    Shaitaan has managed to infiltrate them but is still working his way through you, filling your head with these thoughts that once you get laid, everything will be alright. And everyone else is doing it, so why not right?

                    The reason not to is because Alhamdulillah you're a Muslim. Allah has chosen you for the perfect way of life which shields you away from shaitaan and his whisperings. We all know that giving into these desires is a major sin unless you are married - so why bother? Why give in to the cursed one who promised to lead man astray from the path of his Creator?

                    Yes I can understand it's frustrating, you want that life with someone, you want to be intimate etc... but it will come when the time is right. Let me remind you of this verse from the Quran:

                    Let no man guilty of adultery or fornication marry and but a woman similarly guilty, or an Unbeliever: nor let any but such a man or an Unbeliever marry such a woman: to the Believers such a thing is forbidden. (24:3)

                    Do you want to ruin your chances of Allah blessing you with a pure chaste wife just for a few minutes of fun? Of course not. So what if other people are doing it? They'll be held accountable for it. They'll pay for it in this life or the next, Allah knows best. I'd say stop associating with these people, and tell your brother that there is no place in Islam for dating.

                    These are the temptations of living in the modern world. It's no longer confined to being in the West, as you've mentioned your cousins in Pakistan are living it up. But let me assure you you're not wasting the best years of your life living up to this moral code, you're PREPARING for the best time of your life i.e. the akhirah - where by staying on the right path and avoiding these major sins you will be heading straight to Jannat Insha'Allah.

                    Be patient my brother. Focus your energy on your relationship with Allah. Ensure your salats are in order, do extra things like fasting outside of Ramadhan. Remember that fasting is a way of controlling these urges and you will be rewarded for that Insha'Allah. Pray Tahajudd - as this is when Allah is closest to us and listens to our duas.

                    And of course, ask Allah for His guidance, His mercy, His help. Allah loves those who ask for His help.

                    P.S. Image consultant?!?
                    honestly man ... thanks a lot for your awesome words and the quote. I really hope I can keep my thoughts together and focused. I do need to do away with these friends, using them as a reference point for my sexual inexperience is very depressing, disappointing and counter productive in every way conceivable.

                    You know how i keep mentioning ... I know i can ... i promise you last two months have been very very testing for me. Just pray for me that I don't shoot myself in the foot!

                    Finally, I told my parents ... that I am starting to feel inadequate as a man; yet my parents lack of any reaction is just baffling.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Cultural dilemmas and Personal failures

                      Salam brother

                      Advice:

                      1. Pray to Allah to guide you from harm. Read Al-Fatiha when in doubt, This is a doa of Muslims to Allah. Read the last 2 verses of Suratul Baqarah. Here, you ask Allah to not burden you with trails that are beyond you and you ask Allah victory over the disbelievers - Ameeen

                      2. Get married now. Dont waste your time. If you marry to get out of zina, Allah will give you a wife that is good for you

                      3. Trust in Allah that He knows better than you in what is good for you

                      4. Stop going out to clubs

                      5. Dont take offense when muslims tell you what you are doing wrong. Muslims pray to Allah, encourage what is good, forbid what is wrong and is patient with Allah's Decree

                      Most importantly, if you fall in error, return to Allah when you can. This is a sign of those who have faith in Allah Mercy.

                      Al-Imran 3-133-136

                      And hasten to forgiveness from your Lord and a garden as wide as the heavens and earth, prepared for the righteous

                      Who spend [in the cause of Allah ] during ease and hardship and who restrain anger and who pardon the people - and Allah loves the doers of good;

                      And those who, when they commit an immorality or wrong themselves [by transgression], remember Allah and seek forgiveness for their sins - and who can forgive sins except Allah ? - and [who] do not persist in what they have done while they know.

                      Those - their reward is forgiveness from their Lord and gardens beneath which rivers flow [in Paradise], wherein they will abide eternally; and excellent is the reward of the [righteous] workers.


                      I pray that Allah will guide you InshaAllah
                      Oh Allah, please make my best day the Day I meet You to answer for my sins, and please have mercy on the believers on the Day our deeds will be judged

                      Comment

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