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  • Need Advice badly

    I am a Muslim guy living in NY. I met a girl a year ago online who was also Muslim. At first it was just a casual friendship ... but soon it grew into something more. The thing is I always felt a small amount of guilt of what I was doing ...even though I didn't know the full consequences of my actions and I wasn't saying anything vulgar or inappropriate to her. I found out that growing up her parents weren't very strict about her Islamic upbringing ...and she was finding her way back into Islam. She dropped most of her previous friends and would say that I a was her best friend she has ever had ...and that I am one of the only people she cares about. My feelings for her also grew. Fast forward my parents and her parents found out ...and we were told to end this immediately. I agreed with my parents that it was haram...and I told her that I have to cut off all contact with her. She then fell into deep depression and it took a toll on her. I told her that sometimes when something looks good ...it may not be good for us in the long term ...and that Allah (swt) knows our hardship and he will give something better. She said she would rather live alone for the rest of her life if its not with me. I told her that she needs to give the world a chance etc etc ...and that Allah (swt) will give her something better if she is patient etc etc ...she accused me of not liking her and that I'm just saying that because I don't want to be with her.

    Out of misplaced guilt ...I continued to talk to her behind my parents back. The thing is ...she knows well enough that its wrong what we are doing ...but she says she isn't depressed when I talk to her. Her parents forbid her to talk to me and even her mom asked me not to talk to her. My parents are very against this and it has taken a really big toll on my mom ...and she said she can't handle something like this again from me.
    I know my parents would never approve of anything between me and her and I dont want to disrespect my parents. Everytime I muster strength to tell her that we need to end this I back away because I get guilty about her being alone and on top of that she has a heart condition ...and a bad thought always comes in my head is that ...if I stop talking to her she may get very sick and pass away or that If I move on she will be alone for the rest of her life.

    Seeing how so many Muslim youth are getting into the wrong things...takes an even greater toll on me...I don't want to be one those kinds of youth. All my life I have stayed away from haram things and now after one stupid mistake ...im in deep waters.
    I'm drowning in guilt ...and I don't know what to do. I know what is the right thing to do ...even though it hurts a lot ...What I guess frustrates me is that Why she can't take any initiative herself and say this is wrong and we should end it ...

  • #2
    Re: Need Advice badly

    :salams

    You need to take the bold step and cut her from your life. It will hurt the both of you and perhaps for some time...months...but you'll eventually get over each other. When human beings find a comfort zone, they don't wanna budge because they fear the uncertainty of tomorrow.

    It doesn't sound like you are in a position to propose to her or anything. But when you are ...you can try then maybe?

    Just tell her this is the right thing to do Islamically and that we must put the Love of Allah ahead of everyone else.

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Need Advice badly

      thanks for the reply ...You are right ... I am not in any position to purpose ...the thing is ...I don't want to promise her anything because I don't want her to get hopes up and then they get dashed when nothing happens...You are right ...about the comfort zone and the fear of the uncertainty of tomorrow ...I used to take Islam lightly ...before this ...and now this serious ordeal has made want to gain a stronger connection with Islam. My friend even advised me that me talking to her doesn't mean that she is being taken care of. She has parents and a loving family and most importantly she has Allah (swt) ...Its human weakness on my part ....I am willing to cut it off for the sake of Allah (swt) ...I sometimes think she doesn't understand ...her family is turning around alhamdullilah and they are trying to be better Muslims ...

      Am I cynical to think that its better to be alone and sad than to be a disobedient muslim?

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      • #4
        Re: Need Advice badly

        Originally posted by nydude101 View Post
        thanks for the reply ...You are right ... I am not in any position to purpose ...the thing is ...I don't want to promise her anything because I don't want her to get hopes up and then they get dashed when nothing happens...You are right ...about the comfort zone and the fear of the uncertainty of tomorrow ...I used to take Islam lightly ...before this ...and now this serious ordeal has made want to gain a stronger connection with Islam. My friend even advised me that me talking to her doesn't mean that she is being taken care of. She has parents and a loving family and most importantly she has Allah (swt) ...Its human weakness on my part ....I am willing to cut it off for the sake of Allah (swt) ...I sometimes think she doesn't understand ...her family is turning around alhamdullilah and they are trying to be better Muslims ...

        Am I cynical to think that its better to be alone and sad than to be a disobedient muslim?
        You are never alone...you have Allah and seek comfort and help in prayer and patience, same goes for the sister.
        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JZVEydn3RKk

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        • #5
          Re: Need Advice badly

          Approach her wali for marriage.
          SPREAD OF EVIL
          ZIONISM
          BOLLYWOOD

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Need Advice badly

            Originally posted by nydude101 View Post
            thanks for the reply ...You are right ... I am not in any position to purpose ...the thing is ...I don't want to promise her anything because I don't want her to get hopes up and then they get dashed when nothing happens...You are right ...about the comfort zone and the fear of the uncertainty of tomorrow ...I used to take Islam lightly ...before this ...and now this serious ordeal has made want to gain a stronger connection with Islam. My friend even advised me that me talking to her doesn't mean that she is being taken care of. She has parents and a loving family and most importantly she has Allah (swt) ...Its human weakness on my part ....I am willing to cut it off for the sake of Allah (swt) ...I sometimes think she doesn't understand ...her family is turning around alhamdullilah and they are trying to be better Muslims ...

            Am I cynical to think that its better to be alone and sad than to be a disobedient muslim?
            ok, well you should either get married to her or break it off. Continuing talking to her isnt going to do you any good especially if your parents dont accept and talking to her isnt going to do her any good because your just going to get her hopes up like you said. Be a man and do the right thing.
            check out this blog>>>http://myworldmuslimah.wordpress.com/

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            • #7
              Re: Need Advice badly

              Originally posted by nydude101 View Post
              thanks for the reply ..

              Am I cynical to think that its better to be alone and sad than to be a disobedient muslim?
              You're welcome.

              I think this is a trick of the nafs. It presents you with this false dilemma that either you be an disobedient Muslim and be happy or be a obedient Muslim lonely and sad. It is false because you can be a obedient Muslim not lonely and happy and content. It takes serious thought about knowing your mission in life and to earn the pleasure of Allah. When we find comfort in the Halal and love what Allah loves and hate what Allah hates...and channel these emotions.. then Alhamdulilah you can say you're on the right track and getting better.

              I hope that made sense.

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              • #8
                Re: Need Advice badly

                You should do the right thing by Islam and not by some chick you met online. I get it, you're attached or she is, but at the end of the day who is more important to you, Allah or this girl? It's a pretty easy decision if you let it be....

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                • #9
                  Re: Need Advice badly

                  Yeah it does make sense ...InshAllah I will make the right decision.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Need Advice badly

                    Originally posted by Jaeger View Post
                    You should do the right thing by Islam and not by some chick you met online. I get it, you're attached or she is, but at the end of the day who is more important to you, Allah or this girl? It's a pretty easy decision if you let it be....
                    Thanks ...that is pretty black and white ... I have learned my lesson ...What hurts is that all my life I have kept away from stuff like this ...never talking to girls more than what was necessary and with one fell swoop ...I get caught up in a huge dilemma

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Need Advice badly

                      Originally posted by nydude101 View Post
                      What hurts is that all my life I have kept away from stuff like this ...never talking to girls more than what was necessary and with one fell swoop ...I get caught up in a huge dilemma
                      we all get caught up in the traps of shaytan. the main thing is you have reflected on it and felt remorse over it. see it as something to learn from and it has probably also made you more aware now of not repeating the same thing again knowing how it feels. the hurt you're feeling shows you care what Allah thinks of you so inshaAllah He has forgiven you.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Need Advice badly

                        Originally posted by muslimah10 View Post
                        we all get caught up in the traps of shaytan. the main thing is you have reflected on it and felt remorse over it. see it as something to learn from and it has probably also made you more aware now of not repeating the same thing again knowing how it feels. the hurt you're feeling shows you care what Allah thinks of you so inshaAllah He has forgiven you.
                        I feel that I can handle the emotional withdrawal...but I don't know how she will handle it. In the past she would close up and not even talk to her own family. I once told her that there is a time and place for everything ...and only Allah (swt) knows what the future is ...and I said there may be some other good muslim guy who is destined to be with you and she said no thanks I rather be alone ...I am scared that if I move on ...she will be alone for the rest of her life or die with a broken heart. Your inner naafs is your worst enemy. :(

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                        • #13
                          Re: Need Advice badly

                          do you think that is shaitan playing tricks on your mind? the best thing you can do for the sister is make dua to Allah for her and then move on for the sake of your own sanity.

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                          • #14
                            Re: Need Advice badly

                            Originally posted by muslimah10 View Post
                            do you think that is shaitan playing tricks on your mind? the best thing you can do for the sister is make dua to Allah for her and then move on for the sake of your own sanity.
                            Do girls react in a different way? Is it more harder for them? I've read a lot of posts that say that the guy just used them and the girl is left picking up the pieces ...

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                            • #15
                              Re: Need Advice badly

                              ^ it depends on the girl. not all girls are the same and not all think in the same way.

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