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maybe i'm better off without her

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  • maybe i'm better off without her

    salam

    in the summer, last summer i went home for 3 weeks holiday. that summer I had the 1st physical fight ever with my older sister. when I say 1st physical fight, I mean it was the first time I hit her back. before that it was just her always hitting me, insulting me, threathening me, and me just taking it.

    but last summer I don't know what snapped, but I couldn't accept psychologically me being a 22 year old, and being insulted, provoked and hit and just accepting it. when she threw a bottle of perfume at me, and were coming towards me and my mother and cousin were trying to restrain her something literally snapped in my brain. imagine someone throwing a glass bottle of perfume at you, and still wants to come to you for more and people are restraining them. I thought hang on a minute this ain't right so i hit her back, and shouted if you ever touch me ones more in your life I swear by Allah I will beat you. the entire day she was threathening me people were keeping her in our bedroom (we share a bedroom). my father just kept me in his room and he told me stay with him and he didn't say a word to me. it was his way of showing i was the victim here, that he was on my side. whilst the entire house was in a bedroom with her holding her back sweet talking her and telling her things to make her happy, like she's a little child. she's 3 years older then me for goodnes sake.

    my dad was going to pray at the masjid and he took me with him. he bought me a kitaab and when it was time to go back home he had some things to do and told me to go home by myself. i went, and as i opened our front door she was coming down the stairs towards me saying who do you have now to protect you etc and i got proper anxious cause i was wearing one of these big hijabs that you can't move in properly. when i sensed she was going to attack me, i quickly pulled the big hijab off myself and defended myself. I was amazed by my strength, that was the first time in my life that I realised i could defend myself against her, i wish i knew that before. there was no one to restrain her and i just pushed her off me with all my might and threw her on the floor. she came back for some more and i defended myself. everyone came running again, but this time my mom and dad weren't home. she got so angry she wanted to get a knife from the kitchen and kill me. my little brother restrained her and kept her from going there.

    ow and she broke my new laptop whilst i was away at the masjid with my dad. literally smashed it on the floor. which I found out when i came home from the masjid. the only valuable thing i own. spend a huge proportion of my grant on that. it had all my uni work assignments on it everything

    anyway, prior to all this, i always used to go everywhere she goes, because i have no friends. i have what they call social phobia/shy/antisocial. she was the only one i would go with, cause she's not anti social and has many friends. after the fight, obviously she wasn't taking me anywhere, and knowing that I'm a loner, she was indulging in the fact that she was going everywhere, taking the entire family everywhere with her car, and leaving me home alone. My holiday was only three weeks and i swear by Allah it was the longest 3 weeks in my life. i slept in the livingroom. i spend the entire three weeks at home. she knows i don't have anywere to go, and that it was her that I always used to go with. so she was proper suited when she'd go out every night taking the whole family for meals/weddings etc. she's loaded. i went into depression because i felt really lonely. and i couldnt accept the rest of the family, we have a big family just going with her and leaving me home alone. my mother would just say when she comes back, what can I do for you, i cant do anything for u. i felt proper betrayed. those were some lonely times. my eyes are actually filling up now as i remember it wasnt a good time.

    ever since i've been alone. she's taking advantage of the fact that im a loner, have no friends.

    ow did i forget? I had to kiss her on the forehead 3 times, and on both cheeks that evening and say sorry 3 times, which i did with all my heart. it was my dad who ordered me to that, he knew she was in the wrong but it was his hikma to that as she's older then me. I thought she accepted it but when a male cousin came to our house, she intentionally made me hear her badmouthing me to him by saying do you see that little **** over there she did this and this.

    anyway, i suppose I am at fault taking it like a sheep all these years and then standing up now. I've been suffering alot of psychological problems because i'm always alone, ever since the fight. and she knows all this. there were many times my father tried to reconcile us, but she refused, which made me feel proper humiliated.

    i'm at a point where I literally don't care anymore. like I want to move on from her. embrace my loneliness. If she can hurt me like this, and be fully aware of it, why am i even bothering with her. I swear she is one of the most horrible people to live with yet i just patiently always did what she wants, other wise she'l be angry with me. it has been like that all our lives.

    i'm at a point, where psychologically I just want to embrace my loneliness, and forget about her. I always had a little hope we would be reconcile things, but she's mean, and I don't deserve to be treated horrible.

    the only reason i wanted to reconcile things with her, is cause i have no one else.

    the only reason she's doing this to me, is cause she knows i have no one.

    basically the same reason i'm wanting to reconcile with her, is also her reason for not reconciling with me.

    all this from a person who calls themselves salafi and always telling people how to behave what to do. don't get me wrong i have nothing against salafis, but if you're calling yourself that maybe you should act like one.

    I don't kno why I'm writing all this. I wanted to get it off my shoulder, and also really to ask for some strenght to get her out of my mind and life. I'm done with her
    Last edited by 2011; 18-04-11, 12:00 PM.

  • #2
    Re: maybe i'm better off without her

    Wow I don't know what to say. Don't blame yourslef you did everything you could, it's sad that your family isn't supporting you more. Maybe your sis needs to see a counsellor? May allah help you.

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    • #3
      Re: maybe i'm better off without her

      reading your story and trusting it, i have to say she doesnt deserve to be your sister. birth right doesnt make her right. be careful of her antics like you are being careful of germs. prepare an escape plan to not be a loner anymore and be dependant to her. if im in your position, i would have done even more which shows how nice of a person you are. oh and breaking your laptop? wow what a prick. may Allah grant you patience and way out of this mess.

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