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Mixed or Separate Family Gatherings. Please advice

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  • Mixed or Separate Family Gatherings. Please advice

    I have been persuaded many times by my close relatives to (ignore Quran + Hadiths) and re-define my understanding of who is mehram and who is na-mehram when some dear guests / cousins & aunts / old & close family friends / colleagues visit our house.

    What should I do ? Only serious replies please.
    Read not to contradict and confute, not to believe and take for granted, not to find talk and discourse, but to weigh and consider. Inhale positive, exhale negative

  • #2
    Re: Mixed or Separate Family Gatherings. Please advice

    I'd be interested in replies too. When your house is flooded with these people on a special occasion, you can't exactly hide in your room and it would cause an uproar if you left the house...

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    • #3
      Re: Mixed or Separate Family Gatherings. Please advice

      In my opinion, you should sit down and speak to your relatives as to what they define as a mahram and ghair mahram. THey may not understand, and you can help to make them understand. Also, you could speak to them, and let them know that you feel uncomfortable around them.

      And keep making dua. one of my close relatives is getting married, and the wedding is not segregated, so i was making dua to Allah so he opens a way that i dont have to go to the wedding, as i was literally being forced. Alhamdulillah, i just found out that my final uni exam is a day after, so now i definately cant go, so Allah solved my problem.

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      • #4
        Re: Mixed or Separate Family Gatherings. Please advice

        Do the above, :insha:, and try to explain with good manners... Make it clear and show evidence that this is against the Qur'an and the Sunnah of Nabi :saw: and if they still persist in ignoring it, then just move yourself from the situation. I think when it comes to situations like these with family, you have to try and explain to them kindly (especially when it's your parents); they may genuinely not know or understand. Yet, that doesn't excuse you committing haraam, so if they don't listen, then you'll just have to deal with yourself first and not take part in the family gathering. I've seen from experience that if you do this without resulting to harsh words, they'll see that you feel strongly about this and they'll consider your reasons, thus making them more likely to take on what you've said and not feel offended.

        If they feel offended, well, what can you do? Personally, I've had to hide in my room several times before, but using the above approach, over the years, it's now become normal in my family to have separate rooms for our male and female relatives at gatherings. As for weddings... well they're another story.
        Ya Muqallib al-Quloob, thabbit qalbi 'alaa Deenik
        O' Converter of Hearts, make my heart steadfast upon Thy Way
        We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Mixed or Separate Family Gatherings. Please advice

          Simple Question:
          Do you think I am more intelligent than Allah to define what a mahram is? If not, then I'll let Allah define it. If you can find me someone who is more intelligent than Allah, then I'm ready to follow that person.

          There is a verse in the Qur'an that says along the lines "Do you believe in some parts (verses) of the Qur'an and reject others?"

          I can't remember where it is.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Mixed or Separate Family Gatherings. Please advice

            ^ JazakAllah khair everyone for the kind advices. But you see there are some situations when you aren't given a chance to explain to them the Islamic perspective. Educating them won't be easy.

            Say your mum or dad's cousin, or your own cousin, or even an old family friend comes to visit, you RUN and get your niqaab, but before you are able to put it on your face and make sure you are suitably dressed your parents open the door without a second thought. Then when you try to explain to them that you should really wait till i give you the thumbs up, they say: :They are like our relatives. You don't need to do that much. You are becoming extreme day by day.

            Secondly there are some aunties who used to be so much involved in your brought up that they start thinking that their right of kissing your forehead is still there even though you have grown up and are now na-mehram for them. Similarly some cousins don't realize that our childhood days are over, when we use to play games together. So when they come from USA, they excitedly ask about you and try to shake your hands and their husbands give you a smile as if to say, no problem doing that would earn you good deeds.

            An aunt visited one of my friend's house. Even though she is of his mother's age, she doesn't realize that she is na-mehram and keeps trying to put her hand on his head and kiss his forehead, and he keeps moving one step back and obediently trying to avoid it. Everyone was shocked, "Son, I am like your mother..."
            Last edited by Submit To Peace; 25-02-11, 08:14 AM. Reason: typing error
            Read not to contradict and confute, not to believe and take for granted, not to find talk and discourse, but to weigh and consider. Inhale positive, exhale negative

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Mixed or Separate Family Gatherings. Please advice

              Like I said, if you can't change their view, you're just going to have to stop yourself from haraam... For example, when I first tried to stop my Dad from bringing in my sister-in-law's father, etc. into the living room, that was when I had begun wearing hijaab (just the scarf). Despite me explaining to my Dad and him understanding, he'd forget as he's old and wasn't used to this, so I'd just carry a scarf around me ready to hide into the kitchen so I can put it, then come out and go up to my room. After a while, my Dad got used to it and now remembers to always do this, :masha:. I think he realised the hassle he was putting me through to and that reminded him, too. (If the niqaab part was about your sister, she should try this, no Dad likes putting his daughter through something she doesn't like.)

              With family, it takes time. You keep doing what is right and with a good attitude then they'll either accept you're right, just stop hassling you, or making you uncomfortable. So just move away from the Aunty, and when asked why, let her know. If she can't accept that, then make du'a that she does and leave her to it.
              Ya Muqallib al-Quloob, thabbit qalbi 'alaa Deenik
              O' Converter of Hearts, make my heart steadfast upon Thy Way
              We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Mixed or Separate Family Gatherings. Please advice

                Originally posted by loonietoonie View Post
                Simple Question:
                Do you think I am more intelligent than Allah to define what a mahram is? If not, then I'll let Allah define it. If you can find me someone who is more intelligent than Allah, then I'm ready to follow that person.

                There is a verse in the Qur'an that says along the lines "Do you believe in some parts (verses) of the Qur'an and reject others?"

                I can't remember where it is.
                Very True. May people who intentionally distort ayats and pluck up their own laws and interpretations do it for their own desires and whims. Very dangerous. In fact it could be classed as an innovation and we all know where that leads....

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Mixed or Separate Family Gatherings. Please advice

                  I think you just have to be disciplined and lots of family manage it mashAllah so you can too inshAllah. If you cant convince family by words you can by actions eg when you speak to opp gender speak differently with more hayah And sit amongst the males of the group. Also slowly through persistence i have seen many family change their behaviours in this respect. It shouldnt be seen as unusual or wierd at all.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Mixed or Separate Family Gatherings. Please advice

                    salaams toall
                    i know what you mean. i have a sister in law at home and she does not make purdah from me or my 2 other bros. although she wears full niqaab when leaving the home. i admit its quite difficult but its not my fault-my idiot brother should have realised that he wants to get married but he does not yet earn enough to live on his own.
                    then my mother likes to have us all sitting together when my sisters come home with their husbands. i keep telling her that its not correct but she does not like to listen to me. shes like "were all family".
                    insha allah, if i ever get married, i will do things properly in my own home & wont visit anyone who does not take this issue seriously.
                    sorry if i did not present any solutions or give any advice as i just wanted to vent.
                    jazakallah
                    Sufyaan Thawri "Whoever is very popular with his relations and neighbours, we suspect him to be compromising in preaching the true teachings of religion."
                    very good site for English bayaans in MP3 format-check it out- u wont be disappointed: http://www.musjidnoor.za.net/index.html & http://alhaadi.org.za/majlis-program...downloads.html

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Mixed or Separate Family Gatherings. Please advice

                      :wswrwb:

                      When the house is randomly flooded with guests an family relatives etc then u cannot really stop it physically coz..well depending on several factors (age, gender, influence etc) you ain't gonna be taken seriously. But it also depends if there's a majority gender coz they usually hang together.

                      But when it comes to door-opening etc i, for similar reasons, stay upstairs half the time an i usually run upstairs whenever door knocks. They should give u mutual respect and not cross the boundaries of Allah. Cousins are Not Mahrams despite how close we grew up when we were babies. Also i tend to be weary/aware/cautious of who's at the door, who's car's outside so it gives me a heads up. An sometimes i end up carrying hijab on my neck or nearby.

                      As for the evidence. You see, some things really don't need any interpretation;

                      ....and to draw their headcovers over their chests and not display their adornment except to;

                      Their husbands
                      Their fathers
                      Their husband's fathers (i.e.grandpa in law)
                      Their sons
                      Their husbands' sons
                      Their brothers,
                      Their brothers'/sisters sons (nephews)
                      Their women
                      That which their right hands possess
                      Or those male attendants having no physical desire
                      Or children who are not yet aware of the private aspects of women...
                      Surah An-Nur ayah 31 (you can look at the rest of the ayah there).

                      So our cousins etc ain't mentioned in there. As for practical advice, i hope the above is enough. Also speak to your parents/siblings about waiting for you to dress appropiately before opening the door.

                      An also, in these gatherings which usually don't last long or end up with the male members going out, i just keep quiet or sit by one female relative. But alhamdulilah after persistence people understand.
                      (The hypocrites) will call the believers: "Were we not with you?" The believers will reply: "Yes! But you led yourselves into temptations, you looked forward for our destruction; you doubted (in Faith); and you were deceived by false desires, till the Command of Allah came to pass. And the chief deceiver (Satan) deceived you in respect of Allah."57:14

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Mixed or Separate Family Gatherings. Please advice

                        What do you sisters do on a regular basis when someone rings the bell?
                        Put on your hijab quickly? Or only men open the door always?
                        Secure few moments, everyday, to reflect upon the innumerable blessings of Allah and thank Him for bestowing them upon you.

                        "A person who is blessed with the ability to be grateful, shall never be deprived of barakah and increase in blessings."
                        - Rasulullah (صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم)‎

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                        • #13
                          Re: Mixed or Separate Family Gatherings. Please advice

                          I don't open the door unless it?s my aunt an her daughters but actually....i don't/haven't opened the door from randomers lately.

                          Or i get my lil bro to open it while i get hijab/abaya etc
                          (The hypocrites) will call the believers: "Were we not with you?" The believers will reply: "Yes! But you led yourselves into temptations, you looked forward for our destruction; you doubted (in Faith); and you were deceived by false desires, till the Command of Allah came to pass. And the chief deceiver (Satan) deceived you in respect of Allah."57:14

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                          • #14
                            Re: Mixed or Separate Family Gatherings. Please advice

                            I also get that annoying thing when an elder, without any shame and putting me on the spot in front of everyone, will say "why don't you give so-and-so a lift home" when I am clearly not their mahram. Then saying no is rather embarrassing for everyone.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: Mixed or Separate Family Gatherings. Please advice

                              ^ Can you not get your sister or niece to go with you? Maybe this is another thread in itself, but I wondered about this... My brother drives me and friend home from talks as many of them finish very late, or when he's not available, my friend's brother drives us home... Is this okay? =/

                              Neither of us are alone with the others brother at any time. I thought this was okay, but I just realised that I've never actually researched it.
                              Ya Muqallib al-Quloob, thabbit qalbi 'alaa Deenik
                              O' Converter of Hearts, make my heart steadfast upon Thy Way
                              We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.

                              Comment

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