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How to deal with relatives that are horrible people?

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  • How to deal with relatives that are horrible people?

    Asalamu Alaykum.

    I know that Islamically it is haram to completely cut ties with family members, even if they are enemies of Islam.
    But how far do we have to go with them? I mean, is just keeping in contact by phone now and again okay? Or do we HAVE to make a real effort with them and spend time with them? And does it also depend on what relation they are to you? Siblings, grandparents, cousins, aunts/uncles etc?

    I'm asking as I have a particular relative that seems to cause fights, arguments and just causes trouble everywhere they go. This person insults and disrespects my mother at every opportunity they get. They also constantly make negative remarks about Islam despite claiming that they converted to Islam many years ago.
    I really hate being around them.

    What is the best way to deal with such a person?

  • #2
    Re: How to deal with relatives that are horrible people?

    ...bump...

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    • #3
      Re: How to deal with relatives that are horrible people?

      Depends on relation. Generally those i dislike, because i feel they will cause 'issues', i make minimal contact with them. Not too pally pally etc... This does not mean im unpleasant with them. I personally think you should still greet them as you would others, but don't go overboard, then you're asking for it.
      "Verily Allah does not look to your appearance or wealth, but he looks to your hearts and your deeds." [Sahih Muslim, Vol. 4, #6221]

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      • #4
        Re: How to deal with relatives that are horrible people?

        The Issue regarding ties of kinship, You keep them as much as you are able from a shari perspective the closer the relationship the more they are deserving of keeping ties..

        An extract below explains more, hope it helps inshaAllah, above post is some general good advice for asain families

        who is the one who upholds the ties of kinship? This was explained by the Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) when he said: “The one who maintains a relationship with his relatives only because they maintain a relationship with him is not truly upholding the ties of kinship. The one who truly upholds those ties is the one who does so even if they break off the relationship.” (Reported by al-Bukhaari, 5645).

        If the relationship is merely one of returning favours and giving like in return for like, and not taking the initiative, then this is not upholding the ties of kinship, it is only responding in kind. Some people follow the principle of giving a gift in return for a gift, and visiting in return for a visit, so if someone does not give them a gift, they do not give him a gift, and if he does not visit them, they do not visit him. This is not what is meant by upholding the ties of kinship at all, and this is not what is required by Islam. This is merely responding in kind, it is not the higher degree which Islam urges us to reach. A man said to the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), “I have relatives with whom I try to keep in touch, but they cut me off. I treat them well, but they abuse me. I am patient and kind towards them, but they insult me.” The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, “If you are as you say, then it is as if you are putting hot dust in their mouths. Allaah will continue to support you as long as you continue to do that.” (Reported by Muslim with commentary by al-Nawawi, 16/115). Who could bear to put up with hot dust? We seek refuge with Allaah from cutting off the ties of kinship.

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        • #5
          Re: How to deal with relatives that are horrible people?

          In regards to who we keep ties with:

          Some scholars said that its only obligatory(wajib) to uphold the ties of the mahram relatives, and its recomended (mustahab) with those who are non mahram,this was the view of Hanafis and an opinion of the malakis. Also a view of some of the Hanabila.

          Some scholars say its obligatory to keep ties with all the relatives, mahram or not. This is the famous view of the malaki's and an opinion of the hanafi's.This is also the opinion of Imam Ahmed and apparent taken opinion of the shafee's. This is in reference to Al-Mawsoo’ah al-Fiqhiyyah al-Kuwaitiyyah (3/83).

          Theres also another opinion regarding this issue in Subul al Salaam:It should be noted that the scholars differed concerning the definition of the relatives with whom it is obligatory to uphold ties of kinship. It was said that it is relatives with whom marriage is haraam, such that if one of them were male marriage to the other would be forbidden. Based on that, it does not include the children of paternal or maternal uncles and aunts.

          As for what it means to keep ties then,

          Al-Qaadi Iyaad said that it differes and some family members have more rights then others. The least is not forsaking one another and keeping ties by speaking even if it is only salaam. As its accoridng to ability and what one is able to do so,As long as you keep keep the minimum amount of holding ties of relationship you can not be among those who break the ties.


          Al-Qurtubi said: The degrees of relationship which must be upheld are general and specific. The general relationship is that which is based on religion, which must be upheld by means of mutual love, sincerity, fairness and fulfilment of rights both obligatory and mustahabb.

          In addition to that, the specific relationship also involves spending on relatives(gifts), checking on them(seeing there ok, keeping contact,up to date etc) and overlooking their mistakes.

          All extracted/summarised from Keeping ties of Kinship by Shayke Saleh Al Munanjid.
          Last edited by aBu_aGinEgp; 26-12-10, 01:07 AM.

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          • #6
            Re: How to deal with relatives that are horrible people?

            Originally posted by aBu_aGinEgp View Post
            The Issue regarding ties of kinship, You keep them as much as you are able from a shari perspective the closer the relationship the more they are deserving of keeping ties..

            An extract below explains more, hope it helps inshaAllah, above post is some general good advice for asain families

            who is the one who upholds the ties of kinship? This was explained by the Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) when he said: “The one who maintains a relationship with his relatives only because they maintain a relationship with him is not truly upholding the ties of kinship. The one who truly upholds those ties is the one who does so even if they break off the relationship.” (Reported by al-Bukhaari, 5645).

            If the relationship is merely one of returning favours and giving like in return for like, and not taking the initiative, then this is not upholding the ties of kinship, it is only responding in kind. Some people follow the principle of giving a gift in return for a gift, and visiting in return for a visit, so if someone does not give them a gift, they do not give him a gift, and if he does not visit them, they do not visit him. This is not what is meant by upholding the ties of kinship at all, and this is not what is required by Islam. This is merely responding in kind, it is not the higher degree which Islam urges us to reach. A man said to the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), “I have relatives with whom I try to keep in touch, but they cut me off. I treat them well, but they abuse me. I am patient and kind towards them, but they insult me.” The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, “If you are as you say, then it is as if you are putting hot dust in their mouths. Allaah will continue to support you as long as you continue to do that.” (Reported by Muslim with commentary by al-Nawawi, 16/115). Who could bear to put up with hot dust? We seek refuge with Allaah from cutting off the ties of kinship.
            JazakAllahu khairun, i benefitted from this
            "For us Allah is Sufficient and He is the best Disposer of affairs" (Qur'an 3:173)

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