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Family - What can I do?

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  • Family - What can I do?

    Asalamu alaykum,

    I know in Islam we are supposed to be kind and righteous to our parents and of course to our family members. I want that very much. However, my family has stopped all contact with me. I used to write my parents and siblings emails to say hello, they would not respond or respond with one line answers, I would invite them over or call them on the phone and they would always be too busy, I gave gifts to them and their children, and now I have stopped everything after 2 years of this almost and noone ever contacts me. I even asked them one day, why don't you want to be close to me, what did I do, whatever it is I am sorry, but there was no answer to my question. Also, it seems like the more serious I have become about Islam, the more they don't want to be around me. Not because I was trying to force anything on them or being harsh with them or anything. I was just being normal but once in a while I would mention somethings in Quran or hadith and they did not seem comfortable with it. Anyways, I don't know what's going on. I want to be close with my family, but how? I can't force them to be close to me. I have made duah for a long time and for them as well. No change. I don't know what to do. Any suggestions?

  • #2
    Re: Family - What can I do?

    Is there any reason why in your past would maybe influence why your family treats you? Are your parents Muslims?

    w/salaam

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    • #3
      Re: Family - What can I do?

      Sister, are you a revert?
      *~* Learn Patience from Aasiyah (RA); Loyalty from Khadhija (RA); Sincerity from Aisha (RA) and Steadfastness from Fatima (RA).*~*

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      • #4
        Re: Family - What can I do?

        No. I am not a revert I am a Muslim. I have been Muslim since birth, my birth name is Safiya. But my parents were converts, but they are Muslim.

        Anyways, everyone has bad things that they have done in the past to others to offend them. My family has bad things that they have done. But whatever it is, I forgive them. Like I said, I asked them what is it? Did I do something? But there was no response. That is why I am confused. At least if I knew what it was I could try to change it. But that is not an option. And it's not just one family member. It's my entire family.

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        • #5
          Re: Family - What can I do?

          Thats very odd :scratch: maybe you need to call a conference between your immediate family and ask them to seriously sit down and discuss with you what the exact issue is that they have with you. It is unfair on you and unless you know what you may have done to offend anyone how can you make ammends?
          Can you think back to when this all started? something maybe that triggered it off?
          *~* Learn Patience from Aasiyah (RA); Loyalty from Khadhija (RA); Sincerity from Aisha (RA) and Steadfastness from Fatima (RA).*~*

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          • #6
            Re: Family - What can I do?

            Even if they simply don't like me, that is no reason to turn your back on your own family. We are all Muslims. We all have rights. And there is some good in everyone. I really wish I could understand this. Everyday I wake up my heart literally hurts and I try not to think about them because it will makes the pain so great. It's very painful when your entire family cuts you off and you are a Muslimah alone, trying to practice the deen the best you can, and my son never sees his cousins, aunts, uncles. We are just alone and noone, not even my parents cares to check on us. It especially hurts when I learn about the rights of family in Islam and the way family should be in Islam. I wish that could be the way things are but its no even close.

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            • #7
              Re: Family - What can I do?

              Where does you husband and his family fit into all of this?

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              • #8
                Re: Family - What can I do?

                I live in the US and my husband's family lives in Morocco and I love them and they love me. I love his mother especially, she is a nice and a modest woman. She likes me also and tells my husband good things about me, alhumdulilah. His brothers and sisters are nice and kind to me as well and me to them. But unfortunately we don't get to see them alot. Inshallah, when we make hijrah to Morocco one day we will be closer. I love his family and their modest ways and Muslim manners. We spent Eid ul Adha together and it was beautiful.

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                • #9
                  Re: Family - What can I do?

                  Sister i understand what youre saying and ofcourse it must hurt so much but your family cant possibly have cut ties with you for no reason whatsoever! its crazy-i suggest for your own sanity you try again to get them to all come together to discuss this like adults. You must explain to them that their behaviour is upsetting you and its Unislamic. INshaAllah you will be calm and polite in yourn manner because you seem to understand what is demanded of a daughter in Islam and in general how a muslimah must conduct herself.

                  Pray 2 rakaats and ask Allah to help you before you go ahead and speak to your family. Is there anyway you could speak alone with your mother or whichever person you were closest too and who may soften and listen to you? What about emailing your feelings to a family member?
                  *~* Learn Patience from Aasiyah (RA); Loyalty from Khadhija (RA); Sincerity from Aisha (RA) and Steadfastness from Fatima (RA).*~*

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                  • #10
                    Re: Family - What can I do?

                    I can think of a few reasons as to why this might be happening. First of all, did you all used to be close or have your family always been distant towards you (I mean emotionally distant not necessarily geographically)? If they've always been distant, then it could just be a bad habit. If not, then when did this situation change? Was it after something happened in your life, such as your getting married or the death of a family member? Changing circumstances can change relationships as well in all sorts of ways. Do your family approve of your husband and did you seek their approval before getting married? If they don't, then that could be another reason for distancing themselves from you. Has there been any reason for them to feel you've betrayed them somehow, or not followed in their footsteps in some way or disagree with your lifestyle choices? They are converts but are they religious and are they okay about you being religiously inclined? Are they fickle? By which I mean, if a nasty person spread false rumours about you, would they believe it?

                    The other reason could be that your family are embroiled in some sort of big problem themselves and don't want you to get caught up in it or worry about them so they avoid talking to you. My sister did this too- we hardly heard from her at all for a long time and if we called she was constantly busy. Eventually we found out she was having marital problems and didn't want to upset or burden us with her own problems cos' she knew we had a lot of big problems of our own, even though we wanted her to talk to us and confide in us cos' we didn't like it that she was putting up with all the stress alone. People can be weird like that and hopefully it could mean it's really not cos' of anything you've done.
                    The Lyme Disease pandemic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5u73ME4sVU

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                    • #11
                      Re: Family - What can I do?

                      These are all very good questions and suggestions. Yes, it could be a number of things and maybe it is a bad habit of theirs to not keep close contact with family. I know my parents moved us far away from our family when we were young and we went years without seeing aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandmothers. And after my brother's death in 1997 and difficult times with all of their kids, alot of things changed. But they are more serious Muslims now. Shouldn't things change over the years? In Islam we should uphold the ties of kinship and be good with our family. They are distant. But I just can't accept that when I know what Islam says. And I love my family so I miss them and want to be with them, but they don't want me. I know other people who have busy lives but they are always getting together with family and having fun together. Those days don't exist anymore.

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                      • #12
                        Re: Family - What can I do?

                        Sorry to hear about your brother- that must've been really hard for you all. Are they only like this towards you or towards your siblings as well? Unfortunately, when people are greiving, they often push people away. I think it has something to do with how hurt they feel about losing someone so they think they're protecting themselves from being hurt by becoming more emotionally distant. It's not fair on you and it's not a healthy way to live but nevertheless people use that as a sort of coping mechanism to make themselves emotionally unavailable cos' they find that too hard to cope with. I know it all happened a very long time ago, but such memories last a lifetime and people don't always just recover or move on within a year or two- some people never fully overcome it.
                        The Lyme Disease pandemic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5u73ME4sVU

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                        • #13
                          Re: Family - What can I do?

                          neelu, you have very good insight about family relationships. Thanks for your comments. I never thought about those things before. Maybe I just need to be patient and accept the situation as it is. Inshallah maybe one day things will change.

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