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Honouring Parents

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  • Honouring Parents

    I am a girl, middle child and in my early twenties... My parents are both professionals, although dad has since retired not too long ago.

    Due to unforeseen circumstances and unimpressive grades I did not further my studies, much to the disappointment of my parents. I started to work really young - 18 of age - from clerk and now has since found an executive level job in a good multinational corporation. I learnt very early to fend for myself and hardly ever asking money from parents. I thought that they would appreciate that they have one less financial burden but very often, I find myself needing to contribute... more and more.

    I have always helped them whenever I could and tried to contribute monthly and give extra whenever there is surplus of funds. But, being a girl, I too have needs.

    But at home, the tension is growing. My father is pushing for me to buy the family a house. Although I earn okay, I am setting aside fund for my part time studies and I do not want to jeopardize my ability to fulfill other obligations. I haven't thought of committing to such a huge purchase. Besides, I am still serving my car loan.

    Despite the money that I give monthly, on and off I am receiving requests to chip in here and there, 2k to help granddad, 500 to help mom to get by and it drives me insane because I can't afford it. I know they say they would pay me back but the guilt is driving me crazy. I feel guilty for not having enough to give them.

    I kept telling myself if only I had spent less then maybe I would be able to help. But then again, I too have necessities that need to be taken off. Don't I have the right to the money that I work for? I am so torn. Yesterday my parents say they would need about 22.5k to settle some dues & were wondering if I could take personal loan of 30k to help them out. They say they would pay back but looking at their track records - I have a feeling I would have to serve this loan too.

    Sometimes I wonder if they don't think I should be saving up for my future. For my own family. To buy my own house?

    My question is, in our religion - is there any boundary when it comes to honoring one's parents? I highlighted that my dad was working in professional line & so is my mom to emphasize that they were educated but could have made some bad financial decision while raising us up. I would love to help but not at my own expense... If this sounds so selfish I seek for forgiveness from Him.

    I would appreciate if any reader would be able to refer me to some further readings on this topic. All advice would be treasured.

  • #2
    Re: Honouring Parents

    riba is haram sister. so even if you wanted to, you couldnt get a mortgage for a house. its not your obligation to provide for your parents, your father must provide for you. Allah ta ala says in the quran what means "men are the maintainers and protectors of women" its not your place to go outside your home to earn at all. its for the men of your family to provide. help them to write up a financial plan to pay off their debts, ( a muslim cannot even be buried until his debts are paid off - thats how serious being in debt is for a muslim) and if u can afford to give them something from your earnings to help them pay it off - then thats its the best you can do to assist them.
    "O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do." [An-Nisa 4:135]

    The Prophet :saw: said:

    "Whosoever leaves off obedience and separates from the Jamaa'ah and dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah. Whoever fights under the banner of the blind, becoming angry for 'asabiyyah (nationalism/tribalism/partisanship) or calling to 'asabiyyah, or assisting 'asabiyyah, then dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah."

    muslim

    Narrated 'Abdullah:

    The Prophet, said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)." sahih bukhari


    "Creeping upon you is the diseases of those people before you: envy and hatred. And hatred is the thing that shaves. I do not say it shaves the hair but it shaves the religion!

    By the One in whose Hand is my soul, you will not enter paradise until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another. Certainly, let me inform you of that which may establish such things: spread the greetings and peace among yourselves."

    [Recorded by Imam Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi]

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Honouring Parents

      Seriousness of debt

      Narrated by Abu Dawood, 3341; classed as hasan by al-Albaani in Saheeh Abi Dawood.

      Secondly

      Islam takes the matter of debt very seriously and warns against it and urges the Muslim to avoid it as much as possible.



      Narrated by al-Tirmidhi (1572); classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi.

      It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:
      End quote.

      Fifthly:

      So long as you have taken on a debt so that you can fulfil the duty of helping your husband and family to pay for living expenses, you will be rewarded by Allaah for this good deed. I ask Allaah to reward you greatly for that. Remember that He will help you to pay off this debt. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: http://www.islam-qa.com/en/ref/71183/debt
      "O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do." [An-Nisa 4:135]

      The Prophet :saw: said:

      "Whosoever leaves off obedience and separates from the Jamaa'ah and dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah. Whoever fights under the banner of the blind, becoming angry for 'asabiyyah (nationalism/tribalism/partisanship) or calling to 'asabiyyah, or assisting 'asabiyyah, then dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah."

      muslim

      Narrated 'Abdullah:

      The Prophet, said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)." sahih bukhari


      "Creeping upon you is the diseases of those people before you: envy and hatred. And hatred is the thing that shaves. I do not say it shaves the hair but it shaves the religion!

      By the One in whose Hand is my soul, you will not enter paradise until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another. Certainly, let me inform you of that which may establish such things: spread the greetings and peace among yourselves."

      [Recorded by Imam Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi]

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Honouring Parents

        Is a child obliged to pay off his parent’s debt?

        My mom do not pray. From what i know, she is considered a kafir. Since i was young, she has the habit of borrowing money and not returning. She will promise to return when borrowing but will not do so. She does not take her fasting or prayers at all. Since this is the case, am i suppose to return her debts if she happans to die? From young i have been telling her the importance of islam and to return the money. But, she does not listen. From what i know the amount is too much to be paid back also as it riba was involved. She will rather go on holiday then pay back the money! The people she borrowed from are mostly kafirs also. I do not think i can afford it at all. Please tell me what to do. Alhamdulillah, under the help of Allah, i have been guided. My mom does not pray, pay zakat, does not fast, or does she wears the proper hijab. Please reply.

        Praise be to Allaah.

        Firstly:

        You should give thanks to Allaah for blessing you with guidance. This is a blessing which many miss out on, and you can see that the closest of people to you is missing out on it. Giving thanks increases the blessing, as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

        “If you give thanks (by accepting Faith and worshipping none but Allaah), I will give you more (of My Blessings)”

        [Ibraaheem 14:7]

        You should do your utmost to save your mother from the Fire, by calling her in the way that is best to the path that is straight. Always remind her of the Hereafter and the meeting with Allaah, exhort her and warn her, that Allaah may set her affairs straight. You should strive to do that without feeling despair or giving up. Look for people who can influence her heart and mind among her siblings, friends and neighbours. May Allaah guide them to the straight path.

        Secondly:

        You are not obliged to pay off her debts – even if she is Muslim – either during her lifetime or after she dies, unless she has left money behind, in which case you must pay off her debts from her money (the estate) because that has to do with people’s rights to the money. If there is enough money to pay off the debts, all well and good, otherwise none of them has the right to ask you to pay off the debt, because the debt was owed by your mother, not by you, and you have nothing to do with it. But if she dies as a Muslim, then it is recommended for you to pay off her debts as a way of honouring her, but it is not obligatory.


        Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah said:

        The heirs are not obliged to pay off the debts of the deceased, rather it should be paid from his estate.

        Minhaaj al-Sunnah, 5/232

        You should warn people against giving her money, because that is a way of offering sincere advice to them and protecting their wealth, and because it will reduce worldly obligations and punishment in the Hereafter for your mother, which would result from her taking people’s money and not returning it.

        And Allaah knows best.
        Islam Q&A

        http://www.islam-qa.com/en/ref/43085/debt
        "O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do." [An-Nisa 4:135]

        The Prophet :saw: said:

        "Whosoever leaves off obedience and separates from the Jamaa'ah and dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah. Whoever fights under the banner of the blind, becoming angry for 'asabiyyah (nationalism/tribalism/partisanship) or calling to 'asabiyyah, or assisting 'asabiyyah, then dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah."

        muslim

        Narrated 'Abdullah:

        The Prophet, said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)." sahih bukhari


        "Creeping upon you is the diseases of those people before you: envy and hatred. And hatred is the thing that shaves. I do not say it shaves the hair but it shaves the religion!

        By the One in whose Hand is my soul, you will not enter paradise until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another. Certainly, let me inform you of that which may establish such things: spread the greetings and peace among yourselves."

        [Recorded by Imam Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi]

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Honouring Parents

          The boundary is that you don't disobey Allah(swt). What they're asking of you is take a interest-based loan or mortgage for the house and that is haram. So that's where you have to draw the line. If you can afford to buy them a house without taking a loan, then yes buying a home for them to live the rest of their lives in would be 'honouring' them.

          As for the question 'Don't I have the right to the money that I work for?'....the answer is you do...the same way they did when they spent on you all those years.

          As it was their obligation to spend on you and raise you....it is now your turn. But obviously you have to work (as do they) within your means...and without doing the haram- taking an interest based loan.

          One thing you should do after putting your foot down about the whole loan thing is tabulate everything. Make an excel sheet of how much you earn and all your expenses (including family's)...so they can see too, exactly what is going out from your own pocket. See if you can help pay their loans/dues slowly over a period of time by cutting down on other things such as getting rid of any subscriptions that aren't necessary etc...
          Last edited by mizfissy815; 13-06-10, 06:57 PM.
          "The discovery of truth is prevented more effectively, not by the false appearance of things present and which mislead into error, not directly by weakness of the reasoning powers, but by preconceived notions, opinion, and by prejudice." - Arthur Schopenhauer

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Honouring Parents

            Thank you *asiya*. You've been most helpful with the links you provided. As a child I would love to help, of course - but when I feel the pressure to give especially when I have none - it hurts so much. I have been called ungrateful for failing to agree to buy a house.
            I am so afraid of incurring my parents' wrath ... It is said that those who do not obey their parents do not have a blissful life...

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Honouring Parents

              Originally posted by Rose27 View Post
              Thank you *asiya*. You've been most helpful with the links you provided. As a child I would love to help, of course - but when I feel the pressure to give especially when I have none - it hurts so much. I have been called ungrateful for failing to agree to buy a house.
              I am so afraid of incurring my parents' wrath ... It is said that those who do not obey their parents do not have a blissful life...
              Maybe you can explain why interest is haram and why you can't take a loan? Remind them that those who purposefully disobey Allah(swt) won't have a blissful afterlife.
              "The discovery of truth is prevented more effectively, not by the false appearance of things present and which mislead into error, not directly by weakness of the reasoning powers, but by preconceived notions, opinion, and by prejudice." - Arthur Schopenhauer

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Honouring Parents

                Hi mizfissy815 - I do appreciate your advice & I can see where you come from - the budgeting, etc... as far as my finance is concerned, I try very hard to take care of it, I do not want to repeat their mistakes and impose similar difficulties to my children, should I get married at a later time.

                Communication, however - is not our biggest strength unfortunately ... and that's just one of the issues that needs to be worked on... Did I try to talk to them? Yes. Did it work? No. You see, now that the housing loan saga was *almost* over, it's a new issue altogether - personal loan. When I get extra pay and give out more than usual, the next day my mom asked if I could contribute to my other sibling as well.

                Am just at wit's end... and I just want to turn for some advices from other Muslims. I would like to be able to help them and at the same time to say no when I can't. I know that communication is key but it's two-way street. It's difficult to get my points across when I have been labelled a let down, ungrateful, etc.

                Thanks anyway.

                Comment

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