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Ways to Avoid Arguments

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  • Ways to Avoid Arguments

    -Be humble, do not be aggressive even if it is not your fault.

    Listen - Listening to your speaker during a heated argument is one of the most challenging things you'll ever do. Especially when you believe the information is inaccurate or the speaker is speaking to you in a vindictive voice tone. Clear your mind of all distractions and concentrate on information that you don't already have. Nod your head occasionally to affirm that you are listening. And, always place your need to understand, before your desire to be understood.

    Avoid Adding Fuel to the Fire - Eliminate making statements such as: "I'm sorry, but what you're saying makes absolutely no sense at all." Or, "If you would just calm down for a minute, maybe I could explain..." Statements like these only intensify the core of frustration or anger. Instead, go "old school." Bite your tongue when you find yourself tempted to say anything that may be perceived to be condescending.

    Flip the Script - OK. This technique requires skills. If your speaker is livid and "lashing out irrationally," he's reacting from the right side (the emotional side) of his brain. Aim to alter his emotional state and get him to the other side, as smoothly and quickly as possible. To do this successfully, you must interrupt his current focus and pattern of communication. First, say his name. Then, immediately ask for clarification. People instinctively respond from a slightly calmer emotional state when they hear their own names. Then, with composure, speak numerically.

    For example:

    "Usman. Let me make sure I understand. You're saying, number one; when I don't return your keys to the place where I found them, it irks you to no end. Two, it puts you in a position where you lose 10, 15, 30 minutes of your day - or even more - when I don't think. And three, you're asking is it really that difficult to complete one, simple routine. Is that accurate?"

    In order to follow the sequence of numbers you just laid out, Usman has to flip his own script, to the calmer. Why? Because his brain hears numbers! That means, the right side automatically enlists the left side to take over. The left side is the rational side of our brain. It handles numbers, logic and of the like. Usman is now in a solution-oriented, state of mind.
    Read not to contradict and confute, not to believe and take for granted, not to find talk and discourse, but to weigh and consider. Inhale positive, exhale negative

  • #2
    Re: Ways to Avoid Arguments

    it takes 2 to make this work
    Screaming, But Will Never Be Heard


    • #3
      Re: Ways to Avoid Arguments

      1. Stick to the issue in hand - don't bring up previous misdemeanors or other things you've been meaning to say.

      2. Don't argue over trivia - for example, arguing whether it was Monday or Tuesday that you forgot the milk. The issue is you forgot, not which day it was.

      3. Start sentences with "I" - for example, "I felt annoyed when you..." rather than "You annoyed me when..." And "I would like to go out more often," not "We should go out more often."

      4. Don't use absolutes - never say "never", "always", "should" or "shouldn't". They're irritating and often inaccurate. For example, "You never wash up" will almost certainly get a response of "What about when...?"

      5. Let your opinions stand on their own merits - don't be tempted to bring in other people's opinions.

      6. Try to stay sitting down, relax your muscles and don't forget to breathe - it's much easier to stay calm if you're not pacing around the room.

      7. Don't start throwing abuse around
      - calling your partner lazy, fat or paranoid isn't going to convince them to see your point of view.

      8. Be aware of your feelings and tell your partner these as well - saying "I'm scared you don't love me anymore" is likely to get a better response than "You don't act like you love me."

      9. Try not to block the conversation - don't interrupt, launch into a monologue or expect them to be a mind-reader.

      10. Agree to a code word for time out - if one or both of you feels you're getting overheated it's best to take some time away from each other to calm down before going back to the disagreement.

      Remember, who wins the argument is irrelevant if your relationship loses something. Always try to confront the issue - not each other.
      Read not to contradict and confute, not to believe and take for granted, not to find talk and discourse, but to weigh and consider. Inhale positive, exhale negative


      • #4
        Re: Ways to Avoid Arguments

        -Develop an open communication style with your partner. Set aside time to share your thoughts and feelings. This can prevent feelings being repressed that can lead to arguments later.

        Keep a sense of humor and don't take yourself too seriously. Sometimes arguments can be avoided by not taking every situation so seriously. Decide if the issue is even worth arguing about. Oftentimes it's not.

        Allow your partner to express themselves about things they dislike without being defensive or feeling the need to prove them wrong. Arguments can often be avoided by letting your partner blow off steam.

        Try to put yourself in your partner's shoes. Be sympathetic to his feelings and understand that when he expresses something it doesn't mean it is a personal attack on you.

        Try to talk about and resolve all issues so that the argument does not become a recurring theme if you do argue. Most parents and grandparents advise never to go to bed angry at your partner.

        Communication always begins with a willingness to exchange ideas on a topic in an attitude of openness and love. However, when a conflict arises with your spouse, do you dig in your heels and refuse to communicate? Do you insist upon your way, or your viewpoint? Stubbornness is like a wall that you set up between you and your mate. This obstacle inhibits intimacy and hardens your hearts in the midst of conflict. The wall of stubbornness must come down if communication is ever to become effective in your relationship

        When you are not willing to admit your fault One of the primary ways you reveal your stubbornness is by being unwilling to acknowledge your own personal faults. When both of you are offended by the othersí behavior, nothing will be accomplished until someone acknowledges his or her own personal fault. It is usually not just one personís problem. In most cases it takes two people to cause a conflict. You may be responsible for 10% of the problem, or 90% of the problem, it makes no difference. You must take responsibility for your part of the problem.

        Consequently, stop the "blame game" and the finger-pointing and start taking some responsibility for your part in the conflict. Admitting that you are at least partially at fault is the quickest and easiest way to solve any communication breakdown. Why not give it a try when the next conflict occurs

        Comparison Something else that hinders effective communication is comparison. If you say things like, "You are just like your mother," or "Why canít you act like your father?" you are making a serious mistake. Comparing your spouse with others will always bring your conversation to a dead end. Your mate will consider this a personal put-down and will immediately move into a defensive posture. Comparison is a sword that cuts right to the heart. Your mate will think you are being unfair because he is not precisely like any other person. You have made a gross generalization that you and your spouse will now waste time arguing about.

        Therefore, instead of comparing your spouse with others, why not try dealing with the specific issues that are driving you apart and destroying your relationship? This would be the best use of your time and effort in communication.

        Bringing up the past
        Many times in my counseling, couples have come in with horrendous stories of how past failures have been used as a club to beat the other into submission. An intense argument has ensued, and in the end, nothing was accomplished. The only result was more anger, frustration, and, of course, greater distance between the two

        Personally, I look at the past as something that you canít do much about. The two things you can do with past sins and failures is to reconcile them and then forget them and go forward.

        However, to forget the things which are behind you, you must first forgive and reconcile them. To gain this forgiveness, go and discuss these unresolved issues with your mate and resolve them once and for all. Forgiveness and reconciliation are always the first steps toward putting an issue behind you and to opening the door to a closer relationship.

        Then, determine that you will never bring that issue up again to use as a weapon against your spouse. Deal only with the present. This will keep you out of trouble and make your communication productive.

        Attacking your spouse Have you ever had a conversation where you and your spouse spend the entire time attacking each other? One charge after another is made while the actual issue that started the conflict is forgotten. When couples are in the attack mode it is usually because they have not resolved past issues which they are not willing to forgive.

        If you are ever going to effectively communicate and resolve issues, you must begin to attack the problem instead of the person. This is fundamental to solving any conflict. But, how can you stop attacking each other and start attacking the problem?

        First, you must examine your own heart and acknowledge what your contribution is to the conflict. This will really help you identify the problem. It is especially important to identify what kind of communication problems you are having (i.e. Not listening, talking too much, not talking enough, interrupting, sentence finishing, blameshifting, or explosive anger).

        Second, you must acknowledge your fault without trying to attack your spouse with condemning comments. Most of the time if you will approach your spouse with a humble and soft answer, it will keep your spouse from becoming defensive.

        Finally, resolve the problem by asking his or her forgiveness. Lovingly seek a long-term solution so that the same problem wonít erupt again. When you take these actions there will be no need to attack each other.

        Exaggeration Have you ever had a conversation where your spouse said to you, "You always do this" or "You never do what I ask" or "Every time you come home this happens!"? What goes through your mind when you hear these words? Donít you immediately think of at least one circumstance when you took the action you are now being charged with never doing? You then respond, "I donít always do that." Your spouse thinks, He doesnít believe he ever does this. Then your mate proceeds to give you another example of your failure. This conversation then quickly descends to charges and counter charges.

        The only way to defuse this kind of dead end communication is to stop exaggerating. The words always, never, or every time, work like gasoline on the fire of an argument. These words will cause an angry explosion because your spouse can always think of at least one time he or she did do what you say never occurs. The only solution to exaggeration is "...speaking the truth in love...". The truth may be that your spouse many times or rarely does this or that, as opposed to always or never. Therefore, be fair and honest as you speak with your loved one. The fruit will be rewarding.
        Read not to contradict and confute, not to believe and take for granted, not to find talk and discourse, but to weigh and consider. Inhale positive, exhale negative


        • #5
          Re: Ways to Avoid Arguments

          Lying For communication to be effective, you must be truthful. When you discuss issues with your mate, do you twist the facts to suit yourself? Do you change the story when your spouse catches you with an inconsistency in your facts? When you are convicted of some failure, do you just change the subject to get the spotlight off you? If you do any of these things, you are not dealing honestly with your partner. Eventually, your spouse will realize your lack of honesty, which will result in a complete communication breakdown. Ultimately, your mate will question nearly everything you say, even when you are telling the truth. This lack of trust will cause you to become defensive. Real fellowship and communion in your relationship will cease.

          Remember, you and your spouse are truly members one of another. You are one flesh. However, think for a moment what would happen if your own physical members lied to you when they were injured? How long would you survive if you severely cut yourself and you felt no pain? The same is true in reference to your marriage. How can your marriage survive if you lie to each other about the issues between you?

          It may be difficult at first to change a pattern of lying, especially if it has been your habit. But, you must start somewhere. If you have lied to your spouse recently, why not go back and tell the truth today. This would be an excellent way to prove the sincerity of your repentance and a good first step toward restoring your marriage relationship.

          Harsh words What is your first response when your spouse snaps at you with harsh words? Donít you want to snap right back? Harsh words stir up strife. Havenít you proved this to be true? When you speak harsh words you are just beginning another fruitless conversation.

          Notice, that a gentle word with patience is the better way to communicate your views on any subject. In other words, donít force but rather go easy. Speak softly with honest and balanced words. This will enable you to communicate effectively and give you the best opportunity to persuade your spouse.

          Therefore, if you arenít accomplishing much in your conversations, reconsider how you communicate. Do you harshly condemn or gently persuade? Does your tongue influence your mate with love or insist with pressure and intimidation? The quality of your conversations will answer these questions.

          Explosive anger One of the most dangerous ingredients in each of these communication problems is anger. Mix explosive anger into any of the previous issues and your communication will become even more futile. Is there transgression abounding in your marriage? Explosive anger may be at the root of it. Have you ever felt like you would rather live by yourself than with your mate?

          In your relationship, are you the person with an explosive temper? If this is your weakness, are you willing to admit it and deal with this deficiency? If you will learn to control your explosive temper many of your communication problems will automatically disappear. Are you wondering, How can I learn to control my anger?

          Anger can be expressed in a constructive way or a destructive way, itís your choice. Controlling your anger and allowing it to motivate you to constructive action can be done several ways.

          First, you must make a choice. When you allow sinful anger and resentment to smolder in your heart, an explosion is inevitable. Therefore, make this choice today: my anger will not continue to dominate me anymore.

          To aid in your control, be sure to deal with the small issues before they build resentment in your heart. Dealing with the little issues promptly helps you to stop the boiling volcanic eruptions of rage, before they occur.

          Finally, choose to listen before you speak. Most of us need to grow in our listening skills. Usually we are more ready to speak than we are to hear what others are saying. How willing are you to hear and understand what your spouse has to say before you speak? When you are slow to speak you will be slow to wrath.

          Communication is the key to your marriage relationship. Donít miss the great blessing God has in store for you and your spouse as you enjoy sweet communion with each other. Deal with those issues which can destroy your oneness and take every opportunity to draw near to one another.
          Read not to contradict and confute, not to believe and take for granted, not to find talk and discourse, but to weigh and consider. Inhale positive, exhale negative


          • #6
            Re: Ways to Avoid Arguments

            Really good thread sir. Thank you so much/


            • #7
              Re: Ways to Avoid Arguments

              Yep Good thread. :)
              Please Re-update your Signature