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  • Choosing your Partner

    Salams

    i came across a discussion in chat the other day..about Marriage..

    Right you see usually when one goes and searches for a marriage partner..its usually consists of having a wali..

    Culturally the games goes like this: both families meet each other one goes down their House etc..They talk and discuss and do whatever..then usually the Girl and Boy they like Talk to each other on their own..usually with someone in between....

    Then the final decision is based upon that..usually.......

    But come to think about it..marriage is a serious issue and u kinda need to get to know the in and outs of that person before going ahead..

    This has been done and happened.whereby a marraige decision is based on a couple of hrs talk...

    But is this sufficient?

    thing is i know in islam u are not allowed to interact with somoene..on your own..u must have a wali present....!

    I wud like to know people methods of choosing partners..it ber interested to hear froma ll backgrounds and cultures especially those that are already married too....and those thinking of.........

    Thanks
    W/s
    Sajid

  • #2
    Aslaam u Alaikum brother,

    Well, I'm a pakistani, so basically I can only give my view from how it goes for us.
    OK, I understand where your coming from about getting to know the person very well. Well, I disagree with you here.
    From my side it's usually kept in the family, the marriages, but I think that makes it more difficult for us youths. Cos we hang around together so much that we consider each other as brothers and sisters, hmmmmmm, husband/wife will be quite challenging.
    So it will be quite nice if the other half was kept hidden, huh.

    Waslaam.
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    • #3
      Salams

      yes i know what u trying to get at...i know all about this Cultural Family relationships...where usually peopel end up marrying their cousins or get sent back home.....to get married..........

      I have a friend of mine............whose sister got sent to pakistand and got married....to somoene who was old enough to be his Uncle..reason being i think that guy wanted to come over in UK for a job...

      thats also common being used as a passport..i have many people that i know that have been in that situation.......

      Thing is that..i think choosing a partner is somethng that must be dealt with seriously and not just a few hrs jobby..but there i ts
      limitations too

      sajid

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      • #4
        I think there is always a huge element of uncertainty when you are dealing with humans. And we should bear that in mind when we choose our partner. Humans are just too complex to understand, and what looks good on the surface may hide something terrible inside. Even people that can really be classified as perfect might change one day. Allah knows best, and we should consult Him when we make our decision.

        I live in a country where boyfriend-girlfriend thing is considered as the normal route towards marriage. Well, I think we all know very well that this is wrong, as the length of pre-marital relationship doesn't correlate well with the survival of marriage.

        But I've read in many islamic sites that the best way to get to know your prospective spouse is by contacting everyone who knew him/her well, and has no gain or loss if you two are getting married (thus they're more objective). And most importantly, you should see him/her in person as well because there is a hadith regarding that (so that you don't feel deceived and you may start to like him/her in the first place).

        Personally, I think that people should make a list of what they want from their spouse (in an order of priority), and things they dislike most as well, and judge your prospective spouse based on that list. Bear in mind that nobody's perfect (including you!), so that you have to be ready for any deficiencies that surface later on in your marriage, and work things out to iron it out instead of complaining about it. Marriage is not just about love, it's also about commitment. When that love fades away with time, it will be commitment that save it.

        Finally, don't mingle with the opposite sex too much (before and after marriage). I remember the sayings of a witty nigerian friend. He said that he grew up eating nigerian food, and he had no problem having that as his only diet. But when he got older and travel the world a lot, he got to know Indian food, thai food, western food, well, other kind of food basically. After that, he started to miss those food once for a while and get easily bored with his nigerian food. The same thing goes with people, the more you know, the more you want. And marriage is actually about eating the same food for the rest of your life. The difference is, things get ugly if you get bored or start tasting other kind of food................:D
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        • #5
          Originally posted by sajid
          Salams

          yes i know what u trying to get at...i know all about this Cultural Family relationships...where usually peopel end up marrying their cousins or get sent back home.....to get married..........

          I have a friend of mine............whose sister got sent to pakistand and got married....to somoene who was old enough to be his Uncle..reason being i think that guy wanted to come over in UK for a job...

          thats also common being used as a passport..i have many people that i know that have been in that situation.......

          Thing is that..i think choosing a partner is somethng that must be dealt with seriously and not just a few hrs jobby..but there i ts
          limitations too

          sajid
          Aslaam u Alaikum brother,

          Oh read your post about girls getting sent to Pakistan for marriage, and well what can I say 'thanks for boosting my confidence', lol.

          And Julaybib, your post was funny and gave the right message.

          Waslaam.
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          • #6
            Peace,

            One thing that you MUST do when choosing a partner...istikhara....

            Taken from www.islamicawakening.com

            applies to sisters too...dont know why the article stated only one gender...hmmmmm

            TRUST IN ALLAH


            We are choosing our wife for her permanent values; namely her religious devotions, moral integrity, character etc. But believe me, if we try ourselves to combine a marriage, we are almost sure to fail, because we have no knowledge.


            Allah loves a servant when he puts his trust in Him. When we do so, it is illustrating how we rely upon Him for help, and proving our sincerity to Him, establishing that we recognise His infinite knowledge and wisdom.


            Islam is likened to being as a house, and in my estimation nothing cements that house together as well as putting our trust in Allah.


            It is related on the authority of Jabir ibn 'Abdullah that the Prophet (s.a.w) used to teach his companions to seek, through a special du'a (known as an istikharah), the guidance of Allah in all matters which affected them. Rasulallah (s.a.w) said: "When you are confused about what you should do in a certain situation, then pray two rak'at of nafl salaat and read the following du'a (du'a of istikharah)."


            I am surprised at the criticisms thrown at this du'a, and of its negligence. We are humans, powerless in this sphere of life, knowledgeable only enough to survive. So why shouldn't we turn to Allah and seek His perfect help whenever we require it? Allah responds to the call of His servant when he asks for guidance, and we are after all seeking to do something in order to please Him.


            Many wrong notions exist concerning istikharah. Many Muslims will pray, read the du'a, and run to bed expecting to see a dream showing them their future wife, what her favourite colour is, and some other weird fantasy. That is not the purpose of this salaat.


            The results of an istikharah can take many forms. Basically, you go by your feelings, whether you now feel more favourable or not. Also, you may notice events have changed, either for or against you. Finally, as a wonderful gift from Allah, you may be blessed with a dream. Note that you must follow the results of an istikharah, because not doing so is tantamount to rejecting Allah's guidance once you've asked for it. Also, you should firstly clear your mind, not have your mind already decided, and then afterwards follow the results willingly.


            The Prophet (s.a.w) once sent Zainab a proposal of marriage. She refused to accept the proposal straight away, expressing her intention to refer the matter to Allah: "I do not do anything until I solicit the will of my Lord." Allah, the Responsive, answered her plea for help and revealed an ayah approving of the marriage. We may seem shocked at her refusal to accept a proposal from what is the best husband any woman can have, yet she was just recognising that it is Allah who knows how successful such a marriage will be, and as a sign of appreciation, that reply is now preserved in our Holy Book: al Qur'an.


            The Prophet (s.a.w) once said to Aisha: "I saw you in a dream for three nights when an angel brought you to me in a silk cloth and he said: 'Here is your wife', and when I removed (the cloth) from your face, lo, it was yourself, so I said: 'if this is from Allah, let Him carry it out' ".


            Marriage is a serious step, and requires the right attitude. If marriage completes half our faith, shouldn't that half be the best half? A woman married for the wrong reasons can only weaken the Muslim household. Consider that she will be your life-long companion, the rearer of your children. Don't marry her for her worldly wealth, but for her wealth in Islamic wisdom and knowledge. Her status in this life is but illusionary, so choose her for her status in the sight of Allah. Beauty is but superficial, but the beauty of Iman is transcendent.


            When asking Allah for a wife, call upon Him by His beautiful names, as He has commanded us: "For Allah are certain and dignified names: therefore call upon Him by them"[s.7;v.189]. Ask for a companion who is devout, pious, patient and so on. Be among those who say: "Our Lord, may our spouses and our offspring be a joy to our eyes and make us leaders of the righteous"[al-Furqan,74].


            I cannot provide a better conclusion than saying that you must put your trust in Allah. You must have trust in His concern for us, and His ability to help us. Allah says: "Put your trust in Allah, for Allah loves those who put their trust in Him"[s.3;v.159].


            May Allah help us in our sincere efforts in following His commandments and the way of His beloved servant, and provide us with wives whom He loves.


            "When my servants ask you concerning Me, I am indeed close (to them): I respond to the prayer of every supplicant when he calls on Me: let them also, with a will, listen to my call, and believe in Me: that they may walk in the right way"[al-Baqarah,v.186].
            ---------------------------

            Peace.
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            • #7
              What do people get out of getting married at a young age?
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              • #8
                Assalamu alaikum

                A person can get a lot out of geting married young, but primarily it helps one to remain chaste and away from the haram of this world.
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                • #9
                  re: muslim youth

                  I'm also pakistani and this marrying within the family doesnt happen with us. Basically...its whoever is the perfect match....the person in question is told about their 'possible match' and if the girl/guy is interested the 2 families meet...and if theyre both happy..then its all SORTED!

                  So it varies from family 2 family....

                  also..ive noticed this in some pakistanis, they prefer their kids 2 get married within the family..but if theyre not strict about tht,.....then the *match* has 2 be from the same CASTE! really...where has this caste system come frm? its totally un-islamic. (and no..in our family this caste system doesnt exist..though it definetly exists in some of my friends families)
                  Im sure some of uz know wat i'm talking about :)

                  By gettn married young..theyre less likely to hve 'illegitimate relations'...and wnt be so tempted 2 seek 'satisfaction' from elsewhere.

                  Ws
                  You are not aware of the consequences that would result (if you were granted what you desire) because what you seek might be to your detriment. (O soul) be conscious that your Master is more aware about your well-being than you are.

                  ~Ibn Al-Jawzee

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                  • #10
                    Aslaam u Alaikum,
                    Sister Ebony you are so lucky that the usual marriage within the family thing doesn't go for you.

                    Waslaam.
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                    • #11
                      Salams

                      is there any like motives for marrying in the family..

                      i know usually its justified by saying "that we know them more then a stranger"

                      dont know if thats the case..or what..usually i think the parents..know that their daughter/son is in safe hand..with family..as oppose to stranger!!!

                      dont know if thats the case

                      ws
                      sajid

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                      • #12
                        Assalamu alaikum

                        I dont know of any other reasons to get married in the family but I do know it is recommended to get married out of the family so that you can extend the family, i.e you extend your ties of kinship, which are so important.
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                        • #13
                          Bro Sajid if you keep changing the picture i swear i'm gonna get mad!
                          Anyway who says you have to get married in the family, i mean many parents think it's for their childs safety but they don't really know the childs thoughts and feelings, many of us grow up as brothers and sisters and when the parents tell you going to get married to a person you think of as your brother/ sister you are shocked.
                          Personally I wouldn't dream of marrying a cousins because they are ugly and behave like idiots.
                          How come the men can coose but the women can't? hmm
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                          • #14
                            re sajid

                            somtimes the excuse 2marry within the family may b tht they know them better than strangers...but u never know...it might turn out u dnt know them tht well at all.
                            Somtimes the other reason is tht...since theyre family they'l try 2b more 'easy going'..wont try 2 cause tht many fights..etc etc..As if ur intention of getting married is 2 cause arguments!!

                            re: muslim youth
                            it all depends on ur family and their attitudes 2 marriage. some families change their views on marriage, simply to make life easier for their kids...somethings r more important, like ur own happiness, self-respect, than wat ppl r gona think if u dnt marry within ur own kind.

                            ws
                            You are not aware of the consequences that would result (if you were granted what you desire) because what you seek might be to your detriment. (O soul) be conscious that your Master is more aware about your well-being than you are.

                            ~Ibn Al-Jawzee

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                            • #15
                              Aslaam u Alaikum brothers,

                              Hmmmmmmmm, marriage within the family and the reasons behind it,

                              1! They've seen the boy grow infront of their eyes, thus know him inside out, goods and bads

                              2! They know that he'll never treat the girl wrong on the basis that she is from the family

                              3! If anything goes wrong in the marriage, it can be sorted within the family.

                              Blah, blah.

                              Waslaam.
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