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  • Help! Finding a good muslim partner

    Assalamualaikum

    I joined this forum today because I'm in (desperate) help!
    I'm turning 21 soon and my parents keep asking me if I've found a nice man who I would be willing to marry, which I'm kinda annoyed about because I always expected to get an arranged marriage from my parents, and so I wouldn't have to do the hard work of looking for someone.
    There are a lot of muslim men in my course and university, but here there is a really big culture of "dating" before marriage, which I personally wouldn't want to engage in and would prefer to get to know someone the halal way and then consider marriage, but I feel like it's just so difficult to, since none of the other guys share this same view as me.
    I also do just struggle talking to men (and people in general) as well, as I am quite shy and socially awkward. Growing up in an all-girls school, I've been content with just having girl friends and never found it a need to talk to boys, but now that my parents have suddenly asked me this question, I'm getting kind of concerned.

    I know there are these muslim dating apps, but I don't want to turn to those either, as I hate texting and would prefer to meet someone "organically".
    Can anyone give some good advice please? or maybe a specific dua for this situation?
    Also, I know I am still young and have time, but I'd still like to know the person for some time in a halal way, before fully committing to them.

    Jazākallāh Khair
    Last edited by sisster; 06-05-22, 05:48 PM.

  • #2
    Originally posted by sisster View Post
    Assalamualaikum

    I joined this forum today because I'm in (desperate) help!

    Also, I know I am still young and have time, but I'd still like to know the person for some time in a halal way, before fully committing to them.

    Jazākallāh Khair
    salam alaykum wa rahmat allah

    Originally posted by sisster View Post
    I'm turning 21 soon and my parents keep asking me if I've found a nice man who I would be willing to marry
    its the job of your father to look for a husband for you because this is activity involves interacting with alot of men doing this y yourself wil lexpose you to alot of harm especially that alot of men can be toxic and perverted

    Originally posted by sisster View Post
    , which I'm kinda annoyed about because I always expected to get an arranged marriage from my parents, and so I wouldn't have to do the hard work of looking for someone.
    as i mentioned earlier this job is not only hard but not appropriate for a women to do

    Originally posted by sisster View Post
    There are a lot of muslim men in my course and university, but here there is a really big culture of "dating" before marriage
    these type of relationships is forbiden and the people that are involved in them are not good for marriage

    ​​​​​​​
    Originally posted by sisster View Post
    but I feel like it's just so difficult to, since none of the other guys share this same view as me.
    those people are not good for marriage you dont want to be married to a guy who was involved in such haram relationships unless you want to be compared with hes previous girlfriends and reminded how inferior you are in comparison to them he might also cheat on you in the future since hes used to such relationships

    ​​​​​​​
    Originally posted by sisster View Post
    I also do just struggle talking to men (and people in general) as well, as I am quite shy and socially awkward
    men like shy girls

    ​​​​​​​
    Originally posted by sisster View Post
    Growing up in an all-girls school
    non mixed schools are better than mixed schools especially for girls as they dont get to deal with the toxicity of boys

    ​​​​​​​
    Originally posted by sisster View Post
    but now that my parents have suddenly asked me this question, I'm getting kind of concerned.
    your parents got it wrong it their job to find you a husband

    ​​​​​​​
    Originally posted by sisster View Post
    I know there are these muslim dating apps, but I don't want to turn to those either, as I hate texting and would prefer to meet someone "organically".
    yes avoid such websites and if your parents introduce you to someone in the future make sure to follow the islamic rules and regulations no khalwa with him when you get to meet him there must be a present male mahram with you

    ​​​​​​​
    Originally posted by sisster View Post
    Can anyone give some good advice please?
    https://youtu.be/s8cWaQOplZE
    https://youtu.be/om4Zf4aDvBo
    https://youtu.be/Q4VesyjLVfM
    https://youtu.be/31zjA-lIfn4


    ​​​​​​​​​​​​​​
    Originally posted by sisster View Post
    but I'd still like to know the person for some time in a halal way, before fully committing to them.
    you can still get to now the person proposing for you very well if you follow the islamic guidelines for such meetings



    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by sisster View Post
      Assalamualaikum

      I joined this forum today because I'm in (desperate) help!
      I'm turning 21 soon and my parents keep asking me if I've found a nice man who I would be willing to marry, which I'm kinda annoyed about because I always expected to get an arranged marriage from my parents, and so I wouldn't have to do the hard work of looking for someone.
      There are a lot of muslim men in my course and university, but here there is a really big culture of "dating" before marriage, which I personally wouldn't want to engage in and would prefer to get to know someone the halal way and then consider marriage, but I feel like it's just so difficult to, since none of the other guys share this same view as me.
      I also do just struggle talking to men (and people in general) as well, as I am quite shy and socially awkward. Growing up in an all-girls school, I've been content with just having girl friends and never found it a need to talk to boys, but now that my parents have suddenly asked me this question, I'm getting kind of concerned.

      I know there are these muslim dating apps, but I don't want to turn to those either, as I hate texting and would prefer to meet someone "organically".
      Can anyone give some good advice please? or maybe a specific dua for this situation?
      Also, I know I am still young and have time, but I'd still like to know the person for some time in a halal way, before fully committing to them.

      Jazākallāh Khair
      Asalaamu Alaikum,

      My sister it is most commendable for those of us who strive to go about the pursuit of marriage in a way that pleases Allah, especially as we are now in a time whereby many people go about the pursuit of marriage in the wrong ways. How do we expect to gain blessings in our lives and pursuits if we are doing that which displeases Allah? So whenever any of us are looking to get married and in the pursuit of finding a potential suitor then firstly we must make a firm resolve and intention that we want to marry and fulfil half of our Deen for the pleasure of Allah and that we will go about it in a way that pleases Allah by keeping within the permissible boundaries and limits set by Allah. By doing things the right way then surely we will get blessings in our pursuit of marriage.

      It is also highly recommended to read and learn about what your rights are as a wife and what your husbands rights will be. This is something very important that many of us neglect and then later on it can cause some issues especially if we are not aware of what is expected of us in marriage. You must also reflect on and consider what are those things that are most important to you in a spouse and during a marriage and the things that you will not compromise on at all. Many a times we only realise after marriage that there were certain very important things to us that we did not consider and therefore missed out on enquiring about but by then it is too late.

      Then after that explore the permissible avenues for finding a potential spouse as possible. This is because Allah also looks into the efforts we are making. Possible avenues to explore may include informing family members, relatives, close and trustworthy Muslim friends and colleagues, Muslim neighbours and our local Masjids/Islamic centres. You can also look into and consider options online. Although some Muslim marriage websites can essentially be considered no better than "Muslim dating" websites, however many of them still contain huge database's of potential suitors, many of which contains genuine people looking for marriage, who also want to go about it in the right way. Of course you may have to filter out and sort through a lot of rubbish in order to find any decent and genuine people.

      However it also goes without saying that you must involve your mahram in your pursuit of finding a potential partner. This is the safest and best way for you to remain within the permissible boundaries of finding a potential spouse and it will also deter any potential predators and those with wrong intentions. It will also safeguard you as shaythan is always third party to any private interactions. How many people have fallen for those whom they are getting to know for marriage purposes and then they become blinded to any signs that the person is not right for them. This ends up causing a lot of pain, hurt and can even leave long term scars.

      So ensure to put on all your marriage profile's that you are searching for a spouse through your Mahram and want to involve families as soon as possible, as this will filter out many of the wrong types of people. Although unfortunately many don't actually read profiles properly and send messages regardless to as many people as they can. There are also Muslim Marriage websites that require a female to have her mahram present in all interactions, which is the right way to get to know a potential suitor. You can also look into any local or regional Marriage events that take place. Again ensure that you go with your mahram. So there are a lot of options to you and others looking for marriage. Therefore do not give up nor lose hope until you explore all of the permissible avenues available to you.

      When it comes to communication with a potential suitor and getting to know them then there are a few ways you can go about it with your mahram present. Firstly do not give your personal number to any potential suitor as this can also cause many potential issues. You can either email each other with your Mahram CC'd into the conversation. Or you can use a separate number and create a different Watsapp account or set up an app like a different Skype account, or any other app where you can add the potential suitor and your mahram into a group with just you 3 present. In this way you can text and even call each other but your mahram is present and can read and listen to the conversations. Or you can call one another other whilst present around the Mahram. If you want to see one another face to face then take your mahram with you and they can be close by. There are always ways we can go about getting to know a potential suitor in a way that will ensure we are keeping within the permissible boundaries and know that this pleases Allah and surely he will bless the pursuit of marriage of such people.

      After finding a potential suitor whom meets your requirements then make Isthikhara and ask of Allah sincerely especially in the latter part of the night at Tahajjud time if this person is best for you. If you are still inclined to go ahead and things continue to go smoothly then that is your sign to go ahead but if things get difficult and you are not inclined to continue then that is your sign that it is not best for you. Also ensure that you only interact with him privately once you have done the Nikah and not before that. Also we must not do formal engagement events, as that has no basis in our Deen and they are a waste of money. It is of course recommended to make a mutual verbal agreement between families of engagement and set a date for the Nikah. However any private interactions with the person after a verbal agreement of engagement are still forbidden.

      Know that the pursuit of finding a partner may happen quite quickly but it can also take time. So internalise this and be mentally prepared for it and continue to patiently persevere as with anything good we are trying to achieve in life. Therefore do not be in a rush nor compromise on what you are looking for in a partner. Take your time to ensure you find the right person who is upon the Deen and has the right characteristics of the type of marriage partner you are searching for.

      Remember that Allah is the matchmaker, so ask of him constantly to make it easier for you and to help you find the right person for you. Ask of him especially in the latter part of the nights at Tahajjud time where Dua's are more readily accepted. Then continue to make every effort and patiently persevere. Shaythan will want you to lose hope and to feel like giving up, especially when things do not go right a few times, but believe me it will happen when the time is right. So put all of your hopes, trust, faith and reliance in Allah alone and never not let your enemy shaythan make you lose hope or become impatient.

      May Allah make it easier for you and enable you and others looking for marriage to find good pious and righteous spouses. Ameen.
      10 steps to increase our imaan(faith)
      http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthread.php?t=192926
      Forty Good Deeds to do Everyday!
      http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthread.php?t=230798

      Comment


      • #4
        Walaykum salam,

        Seems to me like you need to have a serious word with your parents about what you're looking for in a husband and asking them to figure out a way of finding someone. I don't know where Hamza got this idea from that it's the father's responsibility to find a son in law as most families leave it to the mother or both parents (or in joint families, sometimes other elders they live with such as the grandparents are involved in this as well). It's time for them to get in touch with whatever network they have of relatives and Muslim family friends; to ask their siblings and cousins to keep an eye open for eligible single men that fit whatever criteria you and your family have and take it from there. If your parents don't have such a network, the next port of call would be the 'rishta aunty', an aunty known and respected in the community who keeps lists of people looking for marriage and tries to bring together families that seem to be a good match.

        If you don't even know of any eligible men in the extended family/friends circle, hit a dead end with the relatives and don't know any rishta aunties, then there are certain websites that help arrange marriages BUT, some are much better than others. If you know of a reputable site that puts an emphasis on families/elders/walis contacting each other from the outset (to prevent any perverts or flirts from using the platform for dating), then that should be your next port of call. I heard some time ago that there is such a site around but can't remember what it's called.

        I suspect your thread can attract a lot of the wrong sort of attention from creepy men, so if you receive any sort of dodgy message or inappropriate PM, please report it to the admins immediately.
        The Lyme Disease pandemic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5u73ME4sVU

        Comment


        • #5
          Last edited by hamza81; 07-05-22, 10:26 PM.
          10 steps to increase our imaan(faith)
          http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthread.php?t=192926
          Forty Good Deeds to do Everyday!
          http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthread.php?t=230798

          Comment


          • #6
            ^Wasn't talking to you... or about you
            The Lyme Disease pandemic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5u73ME4sVU

            Comment


            • #7
              Not needed
              Last edited by Ya'sin; 07-05-22, 10:24 PM.
              'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

              So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by neelu View Post
                ^Wasn't talking to you... or about you
                Apologies, edited accordingly.
                10 steps to increase our imaan(faith)
                http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthread.php?t=192926
                Forty Good Deeds to do Everyday!
                http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthread.php?t=230798

                Comment


                • #9
                  I agree that the dad should take responsibility and the mother should network with other women and relatives. Both parents need to make that effort instead of opening the doors of zina for their daughter.

                  Fathers are failing in taking proactive steps in finding their daughters suitable partners.

                  I think it's better for a man to speak to the son in law to be, directly rather than the mother of the bride doing this. The men should be searching, they are the ones who go to the mosque.
                  It makes more sense for the father to take the lead because everyone knows Islamically women need a mahram, even though some throw a strop and start challenging their own religion.

                  This is complicated for those that don't have a father or a mahram.
                  You have a dad so he needs to step up and stop being a sissy.

                  Why is he hiding behind curtains. We need the men to step up and stop being like mice.

                  What is his role if he isn't even looking for a man for you? A responsible father is a better judge than a woman. Men know men better.
                  Don't be shy about marriage, tell your mum, if you still can't do that I suggest speaking to a trustworthy female relatives who can tell your parents to start looking.

                  ​​​​​​

                  'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                  So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    ask your parents if they have anybody in mind ....probs solved

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I’ve been through this and I’m still unmarried at 30 haha but honestly do whatever your comfortable with doing and is within halal reason ofcourse you can try vet guys out whenever you feel ready, keep things friendly only and distant with the bigger intention of hey I want to get married this is why I’m doing this I’m not looking for anything else. That would scare off most guys looking for fun and the right one will be accepting and understanding and then once your sure about a person involve the families or necessary people and let things proceed ofcourse there’s no rush do it at your own pace.

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