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  • Dutifully cursed?!

    I take my faith and values to a literal stage but at what point do we set boundaries to ensure that as a dutiful daughter to aging parents I don’t end up totally self sacrificing myself to care for them? I don’t intend to stop caring for them but I am griefing a life I could of had if I didn’t become the child with the caring responsibility.

    I have recently had a parent become very poorly and need a lot of care from me. So I have ended up sacrificing my evenings and weekends to care for them and this is primarily due to the fact I am the child who ended up staying single and without children so the expectation is that I can be the one to take on all the responsibility. However now I am feeling trapped and stressed out as I am feeling overwhelmed by the responsibilities I took on.

    Is this a good deed in my faith if I am caring for parents but starting to feel a tremendous amount of guilt for missing out on the life that I could be building..

  • #2
    You aren't sacrificing anything.

    Get a grip for goodness sake.

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by Abu 'Abdullaah View Post
      You aren't sacrificing anything.

      Get a grip for goodness sake.
      Unfair comment. please call into mind how the Nabi PBUH spoke to people, even people who opposed him PBUH. Now remember how to speak to our Muslim sister.

      I dont mean to be rude, but plz try to be more sensitive.
      وَاقْصِدْ فِي مَشْيِكَ وَاغْضُضْ مِن صَوْتِكَ ۚ إِنَّ أَنكَرَ الْأَصْوَاتِ لَصَوْتُ الْحَمِيرِ - 31:19

      And be moderate in your pace and lower your voice; indeed, the most disagreeable of sounds is the voice of donkeys."


      أَلَمْ تَرَوْا أَنَّ اللَّهَ سَخَّرَ لَكُم مَّا فِي السَّمَاوَاتِ وَمَا فِي الْأَرْضِ وَأَسْبَغَ عَلَيْكُمْ نِعَمَهُ ظَاهِرَةً وَبَاطِنَةً ۗ وَمِنَ النَّاسِ مَن يُجَادِلُ فِي اللَّهِ بِغَيْرِ عِلْمٍ وَلَا هُدًى وَلَا كِتَابٍ مُّنِيرٍ - 31:20

      Do you not see that Allah has made subject to you whatever is in the heavens and whatever is in the earth and amply bestowed upon you His favors, [both] apparent and unapparent? But of the people is he who disputes about Allah without knowledge or guidance or an enlightening Book [from Him].


      Please take a look at my travel booking website : https://destinationfindertravel.com/

      Please take a look at my blog : http://thinkingmuslima.blogspot.co.uk/

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by LailaTheMuslim View Post

        Unfair comment. please call into mind how the Nabi PBUH spoke to people, even people who opposed him PBUH. Now remember how to speak to our Muslim sister.

        I dont mean to be rude, but plz try to be more sensitive.
        I don't understand... sensitive to what?

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Sr010120 View Post
          I take my faith and values to a literal stage but at what point do we set boundaries to ensure that as a dutiful daughter to aging parents I don’t end up totally self sacrificing myself to care for them? I don’t intend to stop caring for them but I am griefing a life I could of had if I didn’t become the child with the caring responsibility.

          I have recently had a parent become very poorly and need a lot of care from me. So I have ended up sacrificing my evenings and weekends to care for them and this is primarily due to the fact I am the child who ended up staying single and without children so the expectation is that I can be the one to take on all the responsibility. However now I am feeling trapped and stressed out as I am feeling overwhelmed by the responsibilities I took on.

          Is this a good deed in my faith if I am caring for parents but starting to feel a tremendous amount of guilt for missing out on the life that I could be building..
          If you work and have money I would recommend hiring a part-time live in carer with a care plan on the weekend.

          Check out this carer company, they sound really credible:

          https://www.bluebirdcare.co.uk/
          وَاقْصِدْ فِي مَشْيِكَ وَاغْضُضْ مِن صَوْتِكَ ۚ إِنَّ أَنكَرَ الْأَصْوَاتِ لَصَوْتُ الْحَمِيرِ - 31:19

          And be moderate in your pace and lower your voice; indeed, the most disagreeable of sounds is the voice of donkeys."


          أَلَمْ تَرَوْا أَنَّ اللَّهَ سَخَّرَ لَكُم مَّا فِي السَّمَاوَاتِ وَمَا فِي الْأَرْضِ وَأَسْبَغَ عَلَيْكُمْ نِعَمَهُ ظَاهِرَةً وَبَاطِنَةً ۗ وَمِنَ النَّاسِ مَن يُجَادِلُ فِي اللَّهِ بِغَيْرِ عِلْمٍ وَلَا هُدًى وَلَا كِتَابٍ مُّنِيرٍ - 31:20

          Do you not see that Allah has made subject to you whatever is in the heavens and whatever is in the earth and amply bestowed upon you His favors, [both] apparent and unapparent? But of the people is he who disputes about Allah without knowledge or guidance or an enlightening Book [from Him].


          Please take a look at my travel booking website : https://destinationfindertravel.com/

          Please take a look at my blog : http://thinkingmuslima.blogspot.co.uk/

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Abu 'Abdullaah View Post

            I don't understand... sensitive to what?
            You told her to get a grip...does that not sound insensitive to the poster and their situation?
            وَاقْصِدْ فِي مَشْيِكَ وَاغْضُضْ مِن صَوْتِكَ ۚ إِنَّ أَنكَرَ الْأَصْوَاتِ لَصَوْتُ الْحَمِيرِ - 31:19

            And be moderate in your pace and lower your voice; indeed, the most disagreeable of sounds is the voice of donkeys."


            أَلَمْ تَرَوْا أَنَّ اللَّهَ سَخَّرَ لَكُم مَّا فِي السَّمَاوَاتِ وَمَا فِي الْأَرْضِ وَأَسْبَغَ عَلَيْكُمْ نِعَمَهُ ظَاهِرَةً وَبَاطِنَةً ۗ وَمِنَ النَّاسِ مَن يُجَادِلُ فِي اللَّهِ بِغَيْرِ عِلْمٍ وَلَا هُدًى وَلَا كِتَابٍ مُّنِيرٍ - 31:20

            Do you not see that Allah has made subject to you whatever is in the heavens and whatever is in the earth and amply bestowed upon you His favors, [both] apparent and unapparent? But of the people is he who disputes about Allah without knowledge or guidance or an enlightening Book [from Him].


            Please take a look at my travel booking website : https://destinationfindertravel.com/

            Please take a look at my blog : http://thinkingmuslima.blogspot.co.uk/

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by LailaTheMuslim View Post

              You told her to get a grip...does that not sound insensitive to the poster and their situation?
              There is no 'situation' or anything...

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by LailaTheMuslim View Post

                If you work and have money I would recommend hiring a part-time live in carer with a care plan on the weekend.

                Check out this carer company, they sound really credible:

                https://www.bluebirdcare.co.uk/

                Thank you for the link and for coming to my defence. I was actually just working out the financial side of things too. At the moment I need to work out a sit in service so that I can get some weekend time back. So that I can get the official stuff done and at least get some time to drop food off to them.

                thank you for the link.

                Comment


                • #9
                  If you're in the UK then to some extent Adult care services might be able to provide a few hours a week of a carer or personal assistant to help out depending on the extent of your parents' needs. Depending on your household income, they might ask you to contribute a certain amount towards that cost, but that amount would usually be far less than paying a carer service directly.

                  Me and my mum both have chronic illnesses but when we were assessed by adult care services, she wasn't considered eligible for any health (cos' she looks after her own day to day needs in spite of her health problems), but they did consider me eligible for a personal assistant for a few hours per week. I also used to know a local sister whose mother was disabled so the sister and her brother took turns to take care of her (they were both young and single at the time so I guess that made it easier to share the responsibility) but they were also eligible and hired a care assistant for a few hours a week as well.

                  Taking care of elderly or ill family members is a rewardable deed in the sight of Allah (swt) but there's no shame in asking for some support or help in sharing the responsibility- especially if it takes up a lot of your time and doesn't allow you to have time in your life to do other things once in a while.
                  The Lyme Disease pandemic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5u73ME4sVU

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Sr010120 View Post


                    Thank you for the link and for coming to my defence. I was actually just working out the financial side of things too. At the moment I need to work out a sit in service so that I can get some weekend time back. So that I can get the official stuff done and at least get some time to drop food off to them.

                    thank you for the link.
                    Hi alhamdulilah that the link was helpful to you. Check out sister neelu 's post above, she is right you might be eligible for the council to support you with a carer, which can be free or lest costly.

                    neelu It is the council that provide such assistance right?
                    وَاقْصِدْ فِي مَشْيِكَ وَاغْضُضْ مِن صَوْتِكَ ۚ إِنَّ أَنكَرَ الْأَصْوَاتِ لَصَوْتُ الْحَمِيرِ - 31:19

                    And be moderate in your pace and lower your voice; indeed, the most disagreeable of sounds is the voice of donkeys."


                    أَلَمْ تَرَوْا أَنَّ اللَّهَ سَخَّرَ لَكُم مَّا فِي السَّمَاوَاتِ وَمَا فِي الْأَرْضِ وَأَسْبَغَ عَلَيْكُمْ نِعَمَهُ ظَاهِرَةً وَبَاطِنَةً ۗ وَمِنَ النَّاسِ مَن يُجَادِلُ فِي اللَّهِ بِغَيْرِ عِلْمٍ وَلَا هُدًى وَلَا كِتَابٍ مُّنِيرٍ - 31:20

                    Do you not see that Allah has made subject to you whatever is in the heavens and whatever is in the earth and amply bestowed upon you His favors, [both] apparent and unapparent? But of the people is he who disputes about Allah without knowledge or guidance or an enlightening Book [from Him].


                    Please take a look at my travel booking website : https://destinationfindertravel.com/

                    Please take a look at my blog : http://thinkingmuslima.blogspot.co.uk/

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Make no mistake, the khidmah you are doing for your parents is an enormous blessing and a mightily good deed. The Prophet (saw) turned sahaba back from times of war so that they could go home and serve their parents.

                      But it is also important to look after yourself. You have your own life to lead as well. If you feel so overwhelmingly burdened, perhaps a family discussion is needed so that care arrangements can be fairly distributed

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by LailaTheMuslim View Post

                        Hi alhamdulilah that the link was helpful to you. Check out sister neelu 's post above, she is right you might be eligible for the council to support you with a carer, which can be free or lest costly.

                        neelu It is the council that provide such assistance right?
                        Yes I think so. Adult care services is part of social services I think. Admittedly the first time my dad called them, he was fobbed off, because they don't want to spend money and have finite resources but loads of people asking for help. We had to get in touch with a local disability rights advocacy group and they took some action on our behalf, after which adult care got in touch with us, gave us a proper assessment and did allocate direct payments for support staff. Getting the payment is only two thirds of the battle though, after that, it isn't always easy to find someone reliable and helpful to do the work. That's a separate topic though.
                        The Lyme Disease pandemic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5u73ME4sVU

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by neelu View Post

                          Yes I think so. Adult care services is part of social services I think. Admittedly the first time my dad called them, he was fobbed off, because they don't want to spend money and have finite resources but loads of people asking for help. We had to get in touch with a local disability rights advocacy group and they took some action on our behalf, after which adult care got in touch with us, gave us a proper assessment and did allocate direct payments for support staff. Getting the payment is only two thirds of the battle though, after that, it isn't always easy to find someone reliable and helpful to do the work. That's a separate topic though.
                          Jazakallah khair for this info

                          I ask Allah to grant OP the best assistance from the council, and for you too and to cure u and ur fam and OP's family ameen
                          وَاقْصِدْ فِي مَشْيِكَ وَاغْضُضْ مِن صَوْتِكَ ۚ إِنَّ أَنكَرَ الْأَصْوَاتِ لَصَوْتُ الْحَمِيرِ - 31:19

                          And be moderate in your pace and lower your voice; indeed, the most disagreeable of sounds is the voice of donkeys."


                          أَلَمْ تَرَوْا أَنَّ اللَّهَ سَخَّرَ لَكُم مَّا فِي السَّمَاوَاتِ وَمَا فِي الْأَرْضِ وَأَسْبَغَ عَلَيْكُمْ نِعَمَهُ ظَاهِرَةً وَبَاطِنَةً ۗ وَمِنَ النَّاسِ مَن يُجَادِلُ فِي اللَّهِ بِغَيْرِ عِلْمٍ وَلَا هُدًى وَلَا كِتَابٍ مُّنِيرٍ - 31:20

                          Do you not see that Allah has made subject to you whatever is in the heavens and whatever is in the earth and amply bestowed upon you His favors, [both] apparent and unapparent? But of the people is he who disputes about Allah without knowledge or guidance or an enlightening Book [from Him].


                          Please take a look at my travel booking website : https://destinationfindertravel.com/

                          Please take a look at my blog : http://thinkingmuslima.blogspot.co.uk/

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            BarakAllah fiq, wa iyyaki <3
                            The Lyme Disease pandemic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5u73ME4sVU

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Yes we all need 'time to ourselves' ....but just remember you are repaying a debt. And a debt that you will never be able to repay no matter how much you feel like you have sacrificed yourself.

                              Comment

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