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can i marry a gay or infertile man - woman w mental illness & past sexual relations

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  • can i marry a gay or infertile man - woman w mental illness & past sexual relations

    If you haven't read my previous posts, here's an update for you:

    i suffer from a mental illness (1 episode of psychosis) and i am scared of giving birth because there are high chances of another episode after that. I am not married. I am sane except for when hit with an episode which could last upto 6 months till full recovery. A lot of people here told me not to let my mental health get in the way of getting married or having children. I believe in Allah and i try to think positive. but at the same time i also get thoughts like what if there was a good looking tall gay or infertile muslim man who would be willing to accept me as his wife. No sexual relations, but just as a friend for life and for the sake of society.

    How do i meet a gay or infertile muslim man who would marry me? I am straight, i often crave sexual relations but due to my mental health i am ready to sacrifice that. I crave a relationship with a man, even if it's just friendship. I feel like i want to open up about my insecurities struggles and vulnerabilities to a man and be in a relationship where he knows all about my past and still accepts me as his wife and i accept him as my husband. I want to be financially secure too, i am not high maintenance but i would need a home and a companion after my parents leave this world. I want a man who can stand strong beside me and face society despite my horrible past. I wouldn't judge a muslim for being homosexual or for having past relations or for being infertile. I want someone who can appear normal and heterosexual to society, who comes from a good family, is practising (but lost to his nafs). Even if he has hidden issues like infertility or homosexuality, as long as he doesn't have a mental illness or a criminal record i want to be with him as long as he's kind and nice and non-judgemental. I want to have a best friend in my husband.

    I so badly want to be married to a man who i can share all my history with and still know that he'll stand by me for the rest of my life.

    How do i find such a man? There's no way i can reveal my past relations or mental health history to a normal straight man and i would feel guilty marrying a normal straight man without telling him about my past and i would feel suffocated without expressing myself and my weaknesses.

    I want to get married to a man so badly that i am ready to sacrifice a normal sexual relation for it. I want to have a home with a man, i want to be friends with a man who would hold my hand and tell me he's there for me for the rest of my life no matter what. I crave companionship so badly. My parents don't know what i am going through. I often have thoughts of contacting my ex for another sexual fling, but astaghfirrulah i know it would be a terrible sin and it would lead to nowhere because he's normal and doesn't know about my issues. I am bored and i want to be with a man in a separate home. What do i do?

    I look 100% normal, nobody knows about my issues except my family, i am no longer on meds, i am a good person i know that from the core of my heart, i make dua although i have trouble praying regularly, i am happy if i am around those who support me, i am good looking (everybody tells me so) with good height and features and i was the perfect girl anybody could wish for if psychosis had not happened (followed by sexual relations).

    I want your advice.

  • #2
    Do NOT marry a gay man- it would be a disaster. You already admit that you have sexual desires (which is a normal and natural thing to expect out of a marriage), so to then marry someone who has no desire or inclination towards a woman whilst you're craving intimacy and affection is a recipe for disaster. That's aside from the fact that sadly there are gay men out there who'd only marry a woman with the intention of keeping up appearances of pretending to their family that they are straight when in fact behind everyone's backs they lead a double life so the wife is only there to show/pretend there's a normal heterosexual marriage and behind the scenes he is having physical relations with men. I know women in the Muslim community who found out after marriage that their husbands were gay. Trust me no straight woman wants to be in a marriage like that.

    I think considering an infertile man for marriage makes sense under your circumstances as it would mean that not having kids isn't a deal breaker for either of you, but it kinda depends on why he's infertile. I mean that if he's infertile due to a low sperm count or low motility (you'd only know that if he had a previous marriage that ended due to his infertility) then there shouldn't be any problem getting married as long as he's accepting of your condition as well. On the other hand, if he's infertile due to impotence, then it would mean you're still deprived of intimate contact after marriage. The problem is that these are such deeply intimate questions that would seem offensive to ask anyone before marriage. Having said that, sometimes through word of mouth you can hear about people. One of my cousins; her husband left her due to her being infertile and after my brother got divorced, he REALLY didn't want anymore kids but was open to the idea of getting married again, so me and my mum said he should consider marrying that cousin. So sometimes on the grapevine you get to hear of someone who might be suitable and what you're looking for. In my brother's case though, he said our cousin is too religious for him so he wasn't interested and he later got married to someone else.

    One other thing and I know this will sound really difficult, but it's important to put your trust in Allah (swt) no matter what happens. We create a tick box list of requirements for marriage but so often the person who is right for us might be someone who doesn't tick those boxes on your list or only fulfils half the requirements you had in mind. Life is what happens when you're busy making plans. I once met a guy who ticked all the boxes and fulfilled all the criteria of what I was looking for and yet it still didn't work out and it turned out he wasn't right for me after all. It meant I had to re-evaluate my priorities of what's most important in a relationship and be open minded that maybe the right person wont tick all the boxes. I also mention this because maybe you'll meet a normal sane man who accepts you as you are and would be happy to start a family with you in spite of the risks- it seems unlikely but not impossible. The most important reason for saying this though is maybe you meet someone with a low sperm count who is unlikely to be able to have children and yet Allah (swt) still wills it for you to get pregnant. If that happens, take it as a sign that this is something Allah (swt) wants and don't take it as a disappointment or mistake that life didn't go to plan, because having an abortion is sinful and your child has a right to live regardless of whether the child is born with an impairment or not. Use contraception if you're determined to avoid a pregnancy but don't have an abortion if you get pregnant.
    Last edited by neelu; 06-01-20, 04:36 PM.
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