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how to deal with this?

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  • how to deal with this?

    Salam, hope you are all well. I really need help as i am under alot of stresa due to stuff happening at home. I am married and a mother of two i have been married for 4 years my first child is 3 years old and my second one is 6 months. I married from backhome and due to visa applying and issues my husband only came about a year ago to Europe after getting visa. All this time we have stayed apart just once a year i used to go back home and visit. We havent really had any couple time there at all as i would just spend time at home with in laws as i was there for a month only.Now that my husband is here we did not really have any enjoyment time as i was really unwell due to my second pregnancy. My husband started his job literally a month after he came so he got busy he had night time shifts too. Basically cut short no social life for us at all JUST AT HOME. After having baby i was at work after 2 months. We live with my parents as ita just been a year hes come so we need to settle down save to buy a house. My parents have always been supportive and supported me alot and still do they used to look after my first born when i would go to work spend way too much time with her and money i mean literally the unexpected too. With my second born aswell they do the same however the problem arises that my husband goes to work in the morning by the time he gets home i am not home i am at work both my daughters are with my mum alone when my dad is at work. My work shift is 12pm-8pm my mum looks after my kids from nappy to feed to bathing everything but when i come from work most of the times she has a sad face on and at times when guests are coming and if i am a little late in getting home she would have a go that i bloody am a nanny looking after ur kids cleaning and feeding ur husband too. If he is sleeping during the day after his night shift she moans about that too. She calls him so many wrong thing and mostly says negative stuff about him anyway. If he doesnt pick up the child when crying she has an issue . He feels sick when he sits st the back in the car so if my mum is going with us and she sits at the back on her own and just because he didnt offer her to sit at the front she would make a face which is obvious and would tell me he didn’t even say to me to sit at the front and then i have to take him on side and tell him to say it so she can sit at the front and then when he says it she goes are u sure meaning acts like she never said anything or minds that she sat at the back. (My husband doesnt drive I Drive)What’s frustrating that recently first time in my life me and my husband went out to watch movie on Saturday night late show after finishing off all the chores. We took our elder child out during the day well my husband did as i had to urgently go work so sent him alone with the child and the 6 month old one was at home with my mum. The issue is as we went out late night to watch movie my parents had moody reaction when we came home they make it so obvious and to be honest its not just this everytime me and my husband go out my mum has a face on when we get back and we have had various arguments over this because i say to her behind his back you say i should go out and spend time with him alone aswell sometimes and then when i go u taunt me that u left ur kids with me as if i am a nanny and get upset. When i take my kids with me too its the same scenario. Recently we went to watch movie on saturday then on Sunday evening we went out on a drive and had nandos i took both my kids with me we brought nandos home for them too and nobody ate it . They all were moody me and my brother had an argue over something and it hurt me and i cried my dad my mum both started swearing at me badly and cussed me so much infront of my husband literally for two hours non stop my husband does not get involved in our matters because he says u are their child i shouldnt interfere and im glad he didnt because if he did they would have cussed him soo much everytime something happens if i say he will hear it dont say it loud they go oh we are not f***** scared of him he can f*** off all the time my mum calls him an idiot all the time she goes u guys cannot do anything on ur own so you just cry and eat from us. What not even my husband was like wtf has happened the whole night i was crying my husband before sayijg anything first asked if i had said anything to which all this started and funny enough i had not said anything. My mum has a go at me infront of my husband all the time she orders me infront of him. Anyways they never ate the nandos we brought home nobody touched it my husband noted he notes everythingn i never say anything against my family to him because i know they have done alot but this behaviour is totally out of my understanding i am really confused. My husband and i dont get to spend much time together he comes from work 2pm he does night shifts and i come at 8pm sometimes 9 he wakes up we have dinner together and by 11pm we are in bed as he has to wake up at 3am. We only have weekends and when we go my family has issues. One weekend ingot fed up and said we wont go out now mum because you get upset if i go out with my husband. She made a big deal oh ur blaming me i have done so much chaned ur childrens nappy i am their nanny to look after and youre saying this all this emotional stuff then i had to calm thinga down. If we have argument and i dont want it obvious infront of my husband she tells him the arugment and whole detail and makes it obvious. Their reactions are so obvious to him. This week i said i wont go out with him they are now fine not even ocne they said go out however my mum is taking me out for her shopping and her things yesterday and i only got to go out for one hour. The whole day i was out for mums shopping and my 6 month baby was with my dad alone at home because my husband goes we need to take elder one out so i was going to drop them somewhere but mum was like lets take them with us so he helped us with lifting heavy shopping then after that aswell my mum was like drop him and the child to the place they want to go meaning she didn’t want me to go with them and expected me to go home now today mu mum is so unwell cannot even move but she needs to go out shopping for my sister stuff so shes takinng me and my children and husband will be sitting at home on yhe weekend but the weird thing is ahe doesn’t see a problem in this.if i leave husband home and go out to do my mums things she if fine even if she is ill i mean if i have to go and drop something to someone house my mum would want to go with me she wouldnt let me take my husband. I can never say positive things about my husband infront of anyone because my mum goes oh dont say this then in future if anything hapoens people will say u use to praise him before whay happened now. Even with arguments my mum says keep him on lock dont loose in an argument from him blah blah. I know men can change u cant trust them but i cant totally think negative about my husband in everything. Even today she is unwell but she has to go out for some stuff but my husband and kids are sitting at home with my dad and that’s fine evwn today my husband complained he goes there’s always something wrong on our weekend we dont even get to enjoy you are moody or something else happens. I mean i am just fed and confused of my life because two times that two first time in four years of our marriage we went to watch movie late and that too beverage in four yeara of marriage it was my husbands first birthday with me and the kids so i wanted it to be special but nobody let it be how i wanted it to be it broke my heart. My parents do alot for me and for my kids too they really do but i dont know how can i make them and my husband happy at the same time because my married life is being affected badly and i can sense it i am in a situation where i want to scream or either cry because my parents keep taunting oh you have disgraced us infront of your husband havent left any of our value infront of him whereas i dont say anything to him but my parents and specially my mums reactions are so obvious that I literally feel helpless. I just dont want to hurt anyone i want my parents to be happy as well as my husband and i dont want anything affecting my life overall.

  • #2
    Walaykum salam sister,

    My first impression from reading your post is that the main thing you need is some quality time and privacy with your husband. I think there are only two ways you can get this: one is by continuing with the way things are, that means taking the occasional day or weekend to spend time with him but the consequence will be your mum and family having a big complaint about it afterwards. The other is by finding a way to move out and do your own thing. Are you and your husband on any housing association list (ie what used to be council house lists)? Ideally in the olden days, the husband would earn enough for the family so that the wife doesn't have to work and can raise the kids without relying on elders, but nowadays sadly in many cases basic rent is too expensive for a one income household... but is it possible for you to find a line of work that has creche facilities? Or working hours that are more consistent with school hours considering that the eldest will be in school soon. I mean so you don't have to rely on your parents as much?

    In theory, it makes sense to leave kids with your parents because you'd prefer the children stay at home with family rather than a stranger, but in practice, families can sometimes attach so many strings and expectations in return for this that if it's placing your marital relationship in danger- it doesn't seem like a price worth paying for their support. i don't know if you pay your mum for her babysitting, but if you don't, I think you should and if you do, then you should set some boundaries in terms of paying for her shopping because you're already giving her money with which she can pay for her own shopping.

    What is your mum's marriage like? I could be wrong in your case, but in my experience, elder mums become very possessive of the grown up daughter or son because they are unhappy in their own marriages, so the child (often the eldest child, but not always) becomes a crutch for the parent, a sort of substitute partner (not intimately, but a substitute for the companionship they feel they lack from the marriage) and so that parent becomes disruptive and jealous of the son or daughter's marriage, of the couple's quality time together that doesn't include her and she takes steps to "help" knowing that you need help with young kids, but then uses that help to attach strings that not only keeps you reliant upon her so that you're less independent, but also is used to prevent your own marital relationship from inching further forward from where it is. She might not even be aware that she's doing it as it could happen subconsciously, but it's also possible that this is done deliberately- either way she'll deny it.

    This swearing at your husband and calling him names seems very unreasonable and your husband must be showing a lot of sabr to avoid intervening. I'll admit I'm not married and I'm not a parent. I think if you're considering greater independence and the possibility of moving out, then don't tell anyone except your husband and consider talking to any close friends you can trust who are parents and could offer advice on how best to go about finding affordable accommodation and decent childcare. It wont be easy because you're currently VERY reliant on your mum, so establishing a new routine and way of living will entail new problems and hurdles, but also new achievements. Also I think half of what your mum is saying is just out of sheer frustration at being old and having to take care of babies for so long. Elders often lose their inhibitions in old age which can make them a bit more short tempered so what you're experiencing is not that unusual, but as it's impacting you in such a hard way, it doesn't look like a situation that should continue for much longer.
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