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Issues with father, I need advice

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  • Issues with father, I need advice

    I hope you are all doing well, I am writing because I am having issues with my father. My father is an alcoholic and he gambles away all the money he has. When he doesn't have any more money he will force my brothers to borrow him money so that he can either gamble some more or go get drunk. My father is not physically abusive but psychologically, he knows how to make us all feel bad and he blames us for his drinking... despite the fact that he has been drinking since he was 14 years old. I believe that my father is a narcissist, I really do. He doesn't fast and he doesn't pray. Even during ramadan, he would go and get drunk almost everyday. Alhamdulilah none of us kids are like him.

    Knowing that I grew up seeing my father like this, I really don't care anymore, the only issue is, I recently blocked him on WhatsApp, the reason why I did this, is whenever he gets drunk, he will send me messages about how he is going to go and do Zina with a woman and that it is my mother's fault if he get's an STD and other annoying explicit messages. He even calls my mom a devil when he is drunk and the next day he acts like nothing happened. I was told that blocking him on WhatsApp is haram, however, when ever I get messages like this from him, it makes me very angry at him and then I start to disrespect him. (Which is haram in islam). Honestly, ever since I blocked him, I stopped disrespecting him, since I don't get any messages about his sex life with the women he go get drunk with. So what do you guys think, should I unblock my father or not? I don't want to go to hell for blocking him, but I also don't want to be getting the messages he sends me.

    Also, It's not like we speak much on WhatsApp, the only time I get messages from him is when he's drunk. Please help????

  • #2
    If the messages are that bad, and are having such a negative impact on you, i see no harm in blocking them.

    You have a right to not have to put up with such abuse.

    Of course, you have a duty to be respectful towards your father but in these situations you need to trust yourself sometimes.

    I can imagine the whole thing must be very tough for all your family. Allah reward your patience and help your father. Its important you all support each other, I know in these situations it can be a case of just trying to get out. But as much as you can, be strong for each other.


    • #3
      Ask a scholar


      • #4
        May Allah swt make it easier for you all and help you find a solution. Ameen
        Last edited by Ya'sin; 14-06-19, 01:55 AM.
        'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

        So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman


        • #5
          Last edited by Ya'sin; 14-06-19, 01:54 AM.
          'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

          So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman


          • #6
            Walaykum salam,

            You can block him if you're not breaking ties.  If you don't live together then you can give him a contact email address in case he needs to contact you but it doesn't have to be your usual email address or one that you check regularly.

            You should speak to a scholar (someone qualified, not just an imam) about what your rights are as his child and what his rights are as the father and don't just ask in general terms about the rights of the father, ask specifically about your case and explain that this is how he behaves.  I mention this because the general Islamic rule is that if parents ask for money, you're supposed to give it, but also there's a specific rule regarding helping the believer by preventing him from sinning, which would mean your brothers would be within their rights to refuse to give him money, or else spend on him appropriately (eg if he says he needs money for rent, then the brothers pay the landlord directly without allowing their dad to take the money for alcohol or gambling).  I'm a lay Muslim expressing an opinion and not a scholar so not in a position to give fatwa on this that's why I said it's worth asking.

            Don't assume that you'll go to hell for how you respond to your dad.  Your dad is not so special or worthy of praise.  There is a quote from Umar bin al Khattab (ra) I think during his time as Khalif.  A man approached Umar (ra) and said "my son disrespects me".  So Umar called the son and it would be natural for people to assume he would tell the son off and say you're a bad son you should respect your father.  Then the son asked Umar "what are my rights as a son?" and Umar (ra) replied your rights as a son are that your father should have chosen a good Muslim woman to marry and be the mother of his children, that your father should choose a good Muslim name for you and that you have a right to be taught the Quran.  The son then replied "My father married a fire worshipper, he named me dung beetle and he did not teach me Quran".  Umar then told off the father and said "O father, you disrespected your son long before he disrespected you"... so in this particular situation, Umar (ra) was indicating that the father was at fault from the start, even though the original complaint was about the son being disrespectful towards him.

            ^You should remember that because Islam is about being just.  Sadly a lot of people forget that and assume it's about being a doormat (by misusing the word "sabr") who accepts dhulm.  Islam is about changing society and stopping oppression, not enabling it.
            The Lyme Disease pandemic: