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Chaperoning a potential

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  • Abu julaybeeb
    replied
    https://www.ummah.com/forum/forum/fa...ential-husband

    https://www.ummah.com/forum/forum/fa...sk-a-potential

    https://www.ummah.com/forum/forum/fa...e-husband-wife

    Leave a comment:


  • nudgetheputri
    replied
    Originally posted by Abu julaybeeb View Post

    Uf has a thread of loads of questions
    and its fine to ask questions first meeting thats the whole point of it ask as much as u can
    if the person has an issue with questions then they obviously arent good
    at the same time conversate and dont make it like some interrogation
    number of meeting up to but do it to the point where u kind of know the persons charachter the good the bad etc its good if u can speak to the person on the phone abit after 1 or 2 meetings that way u can see how they are in a relaxed environment with less people watching (usually people change their behaviour abit and u see a different side)
    when u know the persons charachter u know its the right time
    but at the same you dont fully know someone until you live with them so dont expect to know their entire life

    for a guy make sure to ask
    does he pray (all 5 on time)
    does he go jumuah
    Does he try go masjid more often than jumuah every week
    does he keep a beard
    does he want to learn more about his deen if he hasnt already
    why does he want to get married
    How would he treat his spouse
    how should husband and wife be with eachother
    What are the roles of each spouse
    what are the marital rights of each spouse
    does he free mix
    if a dispute happened between spouse how would he deal with it
    if a dispute happened with inlaws how would he deal with it
    how does he behave when angry
    how does he want to raise his children and what does he want them to be when they are older
    where does he wants to live or settle
    how does he expect his wife to dress
    Who can she and cannot interact with

    these are some important questions that you must ask and these will tell you what kind of mentality and way of life he has

    try to do backround research and get 2 references from people who know him aswell

    1 advice
    marry someone who fears Allah because if they fear Allah they will treat you justly whether they like you or not
    (cant remember who said this^ not me though i just quoted it)
    Can you link me the threads on qns to ask, it seems UF threw away old threads 

    Leave a comment:


  • nudgetheputri
    replied
    Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post

    It didn't happen that often, I sort of felt that something wasn't right.
    I have to be honest, I don't remember any specific ones but it gave me reassurance that it wasn just my own perception or pessimism.

    It just helped to know others felt the same or saw the same things
    ​​​
    Oh, okay that's something to think about
    thanks again

    Leave a comment:


  • Ya'sin
    replied
    Originally posted by nudgetheputri View Post
    Great advise, thanks a lot. I guess I should trust my gut and watch out for signs.
    During your meetings, what stood out for you when it comes to the last part of what you said - your wali saw something that you didn't in the guy? Can you give an example?
    It didn't happen that often, I sort of felt that something wasn't right.
    I have to be honest, I don't remember any specific ones but it gave me reassurance that it wasn just my own perception or pessimism.

    It just helped to know others felt the same or saw the same things
    ​​​

    Leave a comment:


  • nudgetheputri
    replied
    Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post
    So to answer your question (sorry went on a tangent)
    ​​​​​
    you can tell by their body language and lack of interest

    If they don't answer your questions properly or seem reluctant to think about it or answer it in a way that shows they actually care

    Some of them were respectful and would lower their gaze after one glance

    The other one that I mentioned was good at that, they got me flowers afterwards. The sister made an effort to be friendly too. The other one that was fooling me had female relatives that didn't make any effort.

    It helps to have your wali to stay alert too. He might see something you don't.
    Great advise, thanks a lot. I guess I should trust my gut and watch out for signs.

    During your meetings, what stood out for you when it comes to the last part of what you said - your wali saw something that you didn't in the guy? Can you give an example?

    Leave a comment:


  • Ya'sin
    replied
    Originally posted by Abu julaybeeb View Post

    He doesnt have to lower his gaze in that situation
    in fact hes encouraged to look

    although staring at eyes is abit weird
    Yeh

    But it wasn't normal eye contact

    Leave a comment:


  • Abu julaybeeb
    replied
    Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post
    So to answer your question (sorry went on a tangent)
    ​​​​​
    you can tell by their body language and lack of interest
    .
    He doesnt have to lower his gaze in that situation
    in fact hes encouraged to look

    although staring at eyes is abit weird

    Leave a comment:


  • Ya'sin
    replied
    So to answer your question (sorry went on a tangent)
    ​​​​​
    you can tell by their body language and lack of interest

    If they don't answer your questions properly or seem reluctant to think about it or answer it in a way that shows they actually care

    Some of them were respectful and would lower their gaze after one glance

    The other one that I mentioned was good at that, they got me flowers afterwards. The sister made an effort to be friendly too. The other one that was fooling me had female relatives that didn't make any effort.

    It helps to have your wali to stay alert too. He might see something you don't.

    Leave a comment:


  • Ya'sin
    replied
    Originally posted by nudgetheputri View Post

    Oh, this is new I didn't know you are already married. I used to lurk here in UF for a while and I remembered you making endless poetry threads lol

    How did you find out that the last potential of yours was not interested in getting married? Did he behave differently in front of you or did you find out something about him?

    I'm quite cautious about guys putting up good first impressions too, because it's easy to fall for it. It takes a while for me to realize there were red flags once I realize they weren't as polished as they appear to be.

    oh, you missed being part of the celebration lol
    Uf marriage of the year after a long time of venting and ranting.
    ​​​
    When I met up with that potential who made me think he liked me, he was behaving in a manner which was a bit inappropriate. It's nothing huge but when he sat down next to me, he kept moving closer to me in front for everyone.

    He noticed i was shy and nervous, and he was asking me why am I so shy and that I should talk to him. He kept looking into my eyes (not the normal eye contact). He didn't ask me any serious questions. He was very casual and behaving in a way that he thought he was way above me. I asked him about his studies abroad just to start the more serious questions but he wasn't interested.

    It was easy to tell he was stringing me along, you just get a vibe from people that you won't click with or those that aren't interested.

    i knew at the time he was not to be trusted but because I was so desperate and getting pressurised, I was convincing myself that they will give us a call back and everything went well. It was confusing for me because I don't know why someone like that isn't interested would waste my time.
    ​​​​​​
    It was like a jerk from high school scene picking on the geek girl by pretending he is interested and then having a big laugh about it after to get a kick out of it.

    I think my sister's husband was there with my dad so he noticed and that made it easier. I can't remember if my brother was there, he might have had work.

    His mum and sister were there and they weren't friendly at all.

    I wrote about that meet up in another thread at the time so the details might be there lol.

    They never called us back, so from what I remember, I think my dad called his dad to chase them up on it and he basically said that he is interested in being friends with dad.

    I'm quite sure that when my pic was sent they rejected me


    ​​So the only reason I even met his son is because his dad knew my grandad or something like that and he wanted to keep relations. His son should have told hih marriage doesn't work like that.



    Leave a comment:


  • Abu julaybeeb
    replied
    Originally posted by nudgetheputri View Post

    You sit directly with the wali?
    Up to u

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  • nudgetheputri
    replied
    Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post

    I didn't get to know them as such

    I hardly asked many questions because I knew the answers beforehand

    I only met my husband twice before I got married.

    Before the potentials and me met each other face to face, my dad would find out what they are looking for and vice versa just to get a jist of the expectations and if there's any compatibility.

    This was done by talking to the father of the potential or his other male relative, like a brother.

    I have never really delved too much into asking so many questions.

    I only did this online and it scared some of them away because I was always apprehensive about ending up with someone who would use me as this is all too common in my culture.

    Saw my husband twice before I got married.
    My brother asked him about work and I then asked him about Bengali culture and whether he is the type who believes a daughter in law should serve in laws, (usually that's the bane of our existence).

    My parents invited them for dinner at our house. That's when I met him and he came with his family the second time too.

    I was ok with that type of set up because it's just hard to tell what people are really like and naturally people will put up a good image of themselves. So asking a million questions wasn't my thing. It didn't offer me a guarantee as long as I thought I had enough information that mattered to me the most.

    Every individual is different so do what makes you feel comfortable.

    In my case, the rejections would be immediate and would take place after the first meeting.

    There was one that we met up at a coffee shop, it seemed like there was mutual attraction but our dads didn't get on and it felt like the potential just wasn't strong enough to stand his ground. So my dad rejected them but after we invited them to our house because things looked good until then.

    ​​​​​​Then I met another person who was just wasting our time, leading us on. He wasn't interested but because his dad liked my wali so much I think he was pressurised to meet me.

    He fooled me because I thought he was actually interested. It was really shameful, especially for someone who studied at madrasha in a well known one abroad.

    (Be warned, you will meet arrogant people who lack compassion or etiquettes, be weary of getting attached too soon).

    Oh, this is new I didn't know you are already married. I used to lurk here in UF for a while and I remembered you making endless poetry threads lol

    How did you find out that the last potential of yours was not interested in getting married? Did he behave differently in front of you or did you find out something about him?

    I'm quite cautious about guys putting up good first impressions too, because it's easy to fall for it. It takes a while for me to realize there were red flags once I realize they weren't as polished as they appear to be.


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  • nudgetheputri
    replied
    Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post
    Getting questions ready is a good idea, alot if people do that
    Agreed.

    Leave a comment:


  • nudgetheputri
    replied
    Originally posted by Abu julaybeeb View Post

    I had questions on my phone and read them out in the meeting coz i got nervous n forgot
    the wali(brother) said he should take notes (he wasnt married yet either) lol
    You sit directly with the wali?

    Leave a comment:


  • Abu julaybeeb
    replied
    Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post
    Getting questions ready is a good idea, alot if people do that
    I had questions on my phone and read them out in the meeting coz i got nervous n forgot
    the wali(brother) said he should take notes (he wasnt married yet either) lol
    Last edited by Abu julaybeeb; 09-05-19, 03:09 AM.

    Leave a comment:


  • Ya'sin
    replied
    Getting questions ready is a good idea, alot if people do that

    Leave a comment:

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