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  • Chaperoning a potential

    Hello,

    I'd like to know if there are users here who have arranged dates where it was chaperoned by a male relative - a dad or an older brother. I would like to know if this is something that is practiced among some of you guys to get know someone in the most islamic way possible. Even though I come from a Muslim background, there hasn't been any advise from my parents with regards to how getting to know potentials in an islamic way has been introduced. Dating and premarital is common practice in my community, and my social circle doesn't include the most religious muslims.
    My parents aren't the type to discuss this sort of stuff to me for some reason, but I would like to know if there is a clear cut way of carrying out these sort of meetings.



  • #2
    Hello

    Yes, this is how it's done (usually or should be done)

    I met people with my dad and brother being there, I was never alone

    It's normal and that's how it should be if someone has a wali

    Have you asked your dad? He might even respect your wishes and help you. It's his job, I would be disappointed in my dad if he didn't help me but Alhamdullilah even though we went through a rough patch, he was always there to act as the wali.

    It's quite disappointing to know that sisters that have a wali don't get the assistance they should.

    I'm not having a go at your dad but he needs to help his own daughter. Please let him know in the most politest way. It's Ramadan now so in Sha Allah he will help you.

    Never meet a man alone. 
    'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

    So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

    Comment


    • #3
      My dad may be unaware of his own obligations to his daughter, I'm not particularly sure. I had a rough patch with my dad too. But now it is fixed.

      It's going to be a bit uncomfortable asking my dad - my parents are the type to make passing judgements about me based on the way I behave. they might think I have a boyfriend or mingling around with men or something, especially now that I am in uni. I don't know but that's just something I can predict coming from them.

      Where do you usually go to meet someone? And do you normally bring a pen and pencil to take down notes...
      Last edited by nudgetheputri; 06-05-19, 02:47 AM.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by nudgetheputri View Post

        My dad may be unaware of his own obligations to his daughter, I'm not particularly sure. I had a rough patch with my dad too. But now it is fixed.

        It's going to be a bit uncomfortable asking my dad - my parents are the type to make passing judgements about me based on the way I behave. they might think I have a boyfriend or mingling around with men or something, especially now that I am in uni. I don't know but that's just something I can predict coming from them.

        Where do you usually go to meet someone? And do you normally bring a pen and pencil to take down notes...
        'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

        So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

        Comment


        • #5
          Okay Im a bit hesitant to approach my dad about this. But come to think of it, I could turn to my married brothers for help too.

          I thought these kinds of meet ups would usually be formal, when you said informal what kinds of conversation did you guys have?

          I thought it would be good to prepare a list of important questions pertaining to marriage, but I dont want to do it too early for the first meeting. How many meet-ups do you usually do before making a decision to accept or reject?

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by nudgetheputri View Post

            Okay Im a bit hesitant to approach my dad about this. But come to think of it, I could turn to my married brothers for help too.

            I thought these kinds of meet ups would usually be formal, when you said informal what kinds of conversation did you guys have?

            I thought it would be good to prepare a list of important questions pertaining to marriage, but I dont want to do it too early for the first meeting. How many meet-ups do you usually do before making a decision to accept or reject?
            Uf has a thread of loads of questions
            and its fine to ask questions first meeting thats the whole point of it ask as much as u can
            if the person has an issue with questions then they obviously arent good
            at the same time conversate and dont make it like some interrogation
            number of meeting up to but do it to the point where u kind of know the persons charachter the good the bad etc its good if u can speak to the person on the phone abit after 1 or 2 meetings that way u can see how they are in a relaxed environment with less people watching (usually people change their behaviour abit and u see a different side)
            when u know the persons charachter u know its the right time
            but at the same you dont fully know someone until you live with them so dont expect to know their entire life

            for a guy make sure to ask
            does he pray (all 5 on time)
            does he go jumuah
            Does he try go masjid more often than jumuah every week
            does he keep a beard
            does he want to learn more about his deen if he hasnt already
            why does he want to get married
            How would he treat his spouse
            how should husband and wife be with eachother
            What are the roles of each spouse
            what are the marital rights of each spouse
            does he free mix
            if a dispute happened between spouse how would he deal with it
            if a dispute happened with inlaws how would he deal with it
            how does he behave when angry
            how does he want to raise his children and what does he want them to be when they are older
            where does he wants to live or settle
            how does he expect his wife to dress
            Who can she and cannot interact with

            these are some important questions that you must ask and these will tell you what kind of mentality and way of life he has

            try to do backround research and get 2 references from people who know him aswell

            1 advice
            marry someone who fears Allah because if they fear Allah they will treat you justly whether they like you or not
            (cant remember who said this^ not me though i just quoted it)

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by nudgetheputri View Post

              Okay Im a bit hesitant to approach my dad about this. But come to think of it, I could turn to my married brothers for help too.

              I thought these kinds of meet ups would usually be formal, when you said informal what kinds of conversation did you guys have?

              I thought it would be good to prepare a list of important questions pertaining to marriage, but I dont want to do it too early for the first meeting. How many meet-ups do you usually do before making a decision to accept or reject?
              I didn't get to know them as such

              I hardly asked many questions because I knew the answers beforehand

              I only met my husband twice before I got married.

              Before the potentials and me met each other face to face, my dad would find out what they are looking for and vice versa just to get a jist of the expectations and if there's any compatibility.

              This was done by talking to the father of the potential or his other male relative, like a brother.

              I have never really delved too much into asking so many questions.

              I only did this online and it scared some of them away because I was always apprehensive about ending up with someone who would use me as this is all too common in my culture.

              Saw my husband twice before I got married.
              My brother asked him about work and I then asked him about Bengali culture and whether he is the type who believes a daughter in law should serve in laws, (usually that's the bane of our existence).

              My parents invited them for dinner at our house. That's when I met him and he came with his family the second time too.

              I was ok with that type of set up because it's just hard to tell what people are really like and naturally people will put up a good image of themselves. So asking a million questions wasn't my thing. It didn't offer me a guarantee as long as I thought I had enough information that mattered to me the most.

              Every individual is different so do what makes you feel comfortable.

              In my case, the rejections would be immediate and would take place after the first meeting.

              There was one that we met up at a coffee shop, it seemed like there was mutual attraction but our dads didn't get on and it felt like the potential just wasn't strong enough to stand his ground. So my dad rejected them but after we invited them to our house because things looked good until then.


              ​​​​​​Then I met another person who was just wasting our time, leading us on. He wasn't interested but because his dad liked my wali so much I think he was pressurised to meet me.

              He fooled me because I thought he was actually interested. It was really shameful, especially for someone who studied at madrasha in a well known one abroad.

              (Be warned, you will meet arrogant people who lack compassion or etiquettes, be weary of getting attached too soon).









              Last edited by Ya'sin; 09-05-19, 02:24 AM.
              'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

              So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

              Comment


              • #8
                Getting questions ready is a good idea, alot if people do that
                'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post
                  Getting questions ready is a good idea, alot if people do that
                  I had questions on my phone and read them out in the meeting coz i got nervous n forgot
                  the wali(brother) said he should take notes (he wasnt married yet either) lol
                  Last edited by Abu julaybeeb; 09-05-19, 03:09 AM.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Abu julaybeeb View Post

                    I had questions on my phone and read them out in the meeting coz i got nervous n forgot
                    the wali(brother) said he should take notes (he wasnt married yet either) lol
                    You sit directly with the wali?

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post
                      Getting questions ready is a good idea, alot if people do that
                      Agreed.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post

                        I didn't get to know them as such

                        I hardly asked many questions because I knew the answers beforehand

                        I only met my husband twice before I got married.

                        Before the potentials and me met each other face to face, my dad would find out what they are looking for and vice versa just to get a jist of the expectations and if there's any compatibility.

                        This was done by talking to the father of the potential or his other male relative, like a brother.

                        I have never really delved too much into asking so many questions.

                        I only did this online and it scared some of them away because I was always apprehensive about ending up with someone who would use me as this is all too common in my culture.

                        Saw my husband twice before I got married.
                        My brother asked him about work and I then asked him about Bengali culture and whether he is the type who believes a daughter in law should serve in laws, (usually that's the bane of our existence).

                        My parents invited them for dinner at our house. That's when I met him and he came with his family the second time too.

                        I was ok with that type of set up because it's just hard to tell what people are really like and naturally people will put up a good image of themselves. So asking a million questions wasn't my thing. It didn't offer me a guarantee as long as I thought I had enough information that mattered to me the most.

                        Every individual is different so do what makes you feel comfortable.

                        In my case, the rejections would be immediate and would take place after the first meeting.

                        There was one that we met up at a coffee shop, it seemed like there was mutual attraction but our dads didn't get on and it felt like the potential just wasn't strong enough to stand his ground. So my dad rejected them but after we invited them to our house because things looked good until then.

                        ​​​​​​Then I met another person who was just wasting our time, leading us on. He wasn't interested but because his dad liked my wali so much I think he was pressurised to meet me.

                        He fooled me because I thought he was actually interested. It was really shameful, especially for someone who studied at madrasha in a well known one abroad.

                        (Be warned, you will meet arrogant people who lack compassion or etiquettes, be weary of getting attached too soon).

                        Oh, this is new I didn't know you are already married. I used to lurk here in UF for a while and I remembered you making endless poetry threads lol

                        How did you find out that the last potential of yours was not interested in getting married? Did he behave differently in front of you or did you find out something about him?

                        I'm quite cautious about guys putting up good first impressions too, because it's easy to fall for it. It takes a while for me to realize there were red flags once I realize they weren't as polished as they appear to be.


                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by nudgetheputri View Post

                          You sit directly with the wali?
                          Up to u

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by nudgetheputri View Post

                            Oh, this is new I didn't know you are already married. I used to lurk here in UF for a while and I remembered you making endless poetry threads lol

                            How did you find out that the last potential of yours was not interested in getting married? Did he behave differently in front of you or did you find out something about him?

                            I'm quite cautious about guys putting up good first impressions too, because it's easy to fall for it. It takes a while for me to realize there were red flags once I realize they weren't as polished as they appear to be.

                            oh, you missed being part of the celebration lol
                            Uf marriage of the year after a long time of venting and ranting.
                            ​​​
                            When I met up with that potential who made me think he liked me, he was behaving in a manner which was a bit inappropriate. It's nothing huge but when he sat down next to me, he kept moving closer to me in front for everyone.

                            He noticed i was shy and nervous, and he was asking me why am I so shy and that I should talk to him. He kept looking into my eyes (not the normal eye contact). He didn't ask me any serious questions. He was very casual and behaving in a way that he thought he was way above me. I asked him about his studies abroad just to start the more serious questions but he wasn't interested.

                            It was easy to tell he was stringing me along, you just get a vibe from people that you won't click with or those that aren't interested.

                            i knew at the time he was not to be trusted but because I was so desperate and getting pressurised, I was convincing myself that they will give us a call back and everything went well. It was confusing for me because I don't know why someone like that isn't interested would waste my time.
                            ​​​​​​
                            It was like a jerk from high school scene picking on the geek girl by pretending he is interested and then having a big laugh about it after to get a kick out of it.

                            I think my sister's husband was there with my dad so he noticed and that made it easier. I can't remember if my brother was there, he might have had work.

                            His mum and sister were there and they weren't friendly at all.

                            I wrote about that meet up in another thread at the time so the details might be there lol.

                            They never called us back, so from what I remember, I think my dad called his dad to chase them up on it and he basically said that he is interested in being friends with dad.

                            I'm quite sure that when my pic was sent they rejected me


                            ​​So the only reason I even met his son is because his dad knew my grandad or something like that and he wanted to keep relations. His son should have told hih marriage doesn't work like that.



                            'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                            So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              So to answer your question (sorry went on a tangent)
                              ​​​​​
                              you can tell by their body language and lack of interest

                              If they don't answer your questions properly or seem reluctant to think about it or answer it in a way that shows they actually care

                              Some of them were respectful and would lower their gaze after one glance

                              The other one that I mentioned was good at that, they got me flowers afterwards. The sister made an effort to be friendly too. The other one that was fooling me had female relatives that didn't make any effort.

                              It helps to have your wali to stay alert too. He might see something you don't.
                              'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                              So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                              Comment

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