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  • Personal - Forgiveness/Relationship

    Salam Aleikoum,

    I'd like you some advice on something that happened in my life and, more specifically, how you actually forgive others and how you forgive yourself. I feel like this story has taken me further away from Allah and I'd like to have your opinion on what I should do now. I really hope you can help me brothers and sisters and that you will not be too judgmental with me . Also forgive my English , my native language is French.

    I've always tried my best to be a good Muslim (when it comes to prayer, hijab, fasting, knowledge, etc.), but as a human being, I am not perfect and sometimes I commit sins. When I was 15 (I will turn 21 soon incha'Allah), I fell in love with a Muslim boy. I viewed him as someone incredibly smart, caring and humble. I had no intention at first to do anything about it, but since he told me that he had feelings for me, I told him the same. Right after telling this to each other, we agreed we wouldn't do anything (in terms of actions) before we're both done with our studies and ready to get married. I knew at that time that what I was doing was wrong, namely I was aware that having romantic feelings for someone outside of marriage is forbidden, which is why I told myself (and I know it was not right) that if I don't do anything (no hand holding, no "I love you" messages) I'd be able to make this work without it being 100% Haram.

    So, for the next 5 years, this boy and I didn't do anything apart from being close friends (we would help each other for our studies, we'd talk about personal problems, ...). I don't usually talk to boys (especially not about this stuff), but again he was no ordinary boy to me. Alhamdoulillah, I've always been at ease when it comes to my studies, so at the age 20 I was done with my Master's degree and I was ready to get married (he was 24 and also done with his studies). When I told him that it is time, he told me he didn't have the same feelings he used to. I was really devastated and hurt, so much so that I would have panic attacks and would throw up very often. This is the period during which I sort of distanced myself from Allah and from Islam in general. I gave up on prayer. I didn't feel well, I felt like I was a total failure and I actually had suicidal thougts.

    A year later, I discovered that he had been having similar "stories" with other girls before he told me he didn't have feelings for me. I asked him for explanations and he told me that since we never did anything (no hand holding, no I love you messages, ...) he didn't belive we were dating and thus he had every right to do what he did. At that moment I think I've never been so furious. I'm angry at myself first because I've let those feelings for this boy drive me away from my faith. I willingly decided to tell him I have a romantic feelings, knowing that it was wrong because I thought I could make this right. I am also very angry at him for being so decietful, to say the least.

    I've started praying again, after a year. I've put my hijab back on. I've asked for forgiveness for my sins to Allah multiple times. However, when it comes forgiving myself for what I did, I'm feel like I am unable to do that and it makes me feel very anxious and angry when I think about it. I am also very angry at this boy, and I feel like a hypocrit to ask Allah for forgiveness, but I'm unable to forgive him or myself.

    I'd like to have your advice on what I should do now as I feel kind of lost. Do not hesitate to be harsh or direct with me if you really feel like I messed up.

    Best regards,

    Luna

  • #2
    How is your Islamic knowledge? Do you know stories of the sahaba, the prophets, the hadith, the Quran?

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    • #3
      There are tests in life, that you fail or pass, you passed this the test, you where true to your word, true to your feelings and didn't let him use you. You shouldn't ask Allah for forgiveness, instead thank Allah for teaching you this lesson, also you shouldn't blame yourself for something you didn't do, instead praise yourself for not being unfaithful to yourself nor to Allah.

      Your journey in life has just started, look forward, move forward and walk the path Allah decided for you.

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      • #4
        wa 'alaykum as-salaam

        Sister, Alhamdulillah you are praying again. Keep up your worship and fulfill Islamic obligation and do many good deeds.
        As in forgiving yourself and him, you are still hurting now so don't be too hard on yourself. May Allah accept your tawba and grant you healing.
        He has created man from a sperm-drop; and behold this same (man) becomes an open disputer! (16:4)

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        • #5
          Walaykum salam,

          It is better to face a calamity that brings you closer to Allah (swt) than it is to live with joys that distance you from Allah (swt). I've heard a phrase along similar lines to that and it's applicable here. Take this situation as a life lesson- a lesson in reliance on Allah (swt) because when we become reliant on creation, in return for our loyalty and devotion we get disappointment and betrayal. I think you're being way too hard on yourself. You had feelings for someone and yet you still didn't try to pursue any physical relationship or even send romantic messages and didn't want that type of relationship outside marriage; that suggests you tried to hold on to taqwa in spite of the challenges of temptation- the fact that he couldn't do that suggests he does not deserve you and you can do better.

          I know that's easy for me to say because you invested a lot of time and feelings into this guy so it's hard to imagine your life with anyone else, but remember your first priority is Allah (swt) and this guy is just a human being, not only that, he's a human being who was involved with other girls outside marriage. You'd be better off with someone who has taqwa and a sense of loyalty and respect. I don't expect you to marry someone else overnight or forget about this guy. Give yourself time to find other interests, hobbies, studies (even career if you want) or just other pursuits to occupy your time with something other than your thoughts and feelings for him. Maybe go on holiday or go on Umrah if you can afford it and spend some time with a change of scene and talk to a trusted friend and I think these are things that can help the healing process; that you can express your grief and struggles to someone, let out your emotions in a healthy way, maybe have a good cry and then afterwards just spend time relaxing at a place you really like and unwind and I think these are things you can do to help you eventually move on inshaAllah. Don't expect overnight changes- give yourself 18 months.
          The Lyme Disease pandemic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5u73ME4sVU

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          • #6
            Walaikumasslam

            How are you feeling since you posted this?

            I think you should celebrate. Allah showered you with his Mercy and you caught that thing before things got serious.

            Don't cry for this boy, he isn't a loss for you. I understand it is hard for you but one day you will be so grateful.
            You had a lot of hope for this boy but he proved to be an imbecile. Not worth marriage.

            See the bigger picture. He didn't end up being your husband, count the blessings from Allah.

            Had that been the case, the situation is more damaging.
            It is much more difficult to forgive a husband for not only wasting your time but also for not respecting the realm of marriage.

            From now on, don't go near boys, no matter how charming they maybe, be careful and if you believe there is someone that is suitable, inform someone (should be your dad).

            There's so many lessons we can learn from experiences that make us upset. You are only 21 and so life has just started. Muslims will face many tests and this is our exam and we must pass it.

            Just like you were determined to pass uni, our life as Muslims will have many unexpected trials ahead of us but we should still be determined to pass them. And we should aim for consistency.

            Guard your chastity, your dignity, your true happiness that lies in your religion and your relationship with Allah.

            Find peace in the Quran and befriend it.

            Do you live with parents? Help your mum with whatever she needs help with. Massage her feet, make tea for your dad. Make them smile.

            Invest your time in being a caring daughter, look after your parents.
            I see grown capable girls (and boys) who have parents serving them and cleaning up their mess for them as if they are the Masters of their parents.
            ​​​​
            Some girls dream about the things they would do for their husbands but neglect their duties as daughters.

            If you have siblings then spend time with them, bond with them. They are your friends too. Kinship is important and these days people would rather be nice to a stranger and shout at their sibling and relatives.

            Delete eveyeveryt that reminds you off your past (him) remember you were saved from a piece of trouble. Everytime you think of him you should think 'yuck'. It was a mistake that you can learn from in Sha Allah.

            As neelu has mentioned, if you can go umrah with your family then you should.

            Keep making dua to Allah to protect you and bless you with pious man.

            Last edited by Ya'sin; 02-02-19, 11:21 AM.
            'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

            So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

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            • #7
              Thanks to everyone for your comments. I am feeling a little better, but as you said Neelu, I do not things to be normal right away.

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